Am I being stupid?

penguin1211

After reading previous posts and seeing how several other ladies have gotten verbally bitch-slapped, I'm afraid of the criticism I'm going to get for even asking this. But I need some opinions, so here goes...

My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting engaged, and looking at engagement rings together. I found one that absolutely took my breath away - it was definitely THE ring for me. My guy loved it too, said it looked amazing on my finger, etc. A few weeks later, in another store, he showed me a ring that he thought was really the perfect one for me. It was definitely pretty, but I didn't get the same feeling as with the first one. My boyfriend told me he thought the second one was better because it was only a third of the price. It was a similar style - a cushion cut halo with a round center diamond and smaller diamonds going down the band. The difference was that the more expensive one had a prong setting for the diamonds on the band and a 1 ct center stone, while the cheaper one was 1/2 carat tw and had a channel setting (which I'm not too fond of). The more expensive one also came with a matching wedding band while the cheaper one didn't.

Even though my man loved the first ring as much as I did, he still thinks we should go for the cheaper one because of the price. He is financially stable and would be able to pay cash for either ring without putting a significant dent in his wallet. He just doesn't think it's worth it to spend so much on a piece of jewelry. It's not the price or size that matters as much as the style of the ring. I would be totally happy with a ring that looked like the first one but in a smaller size, but we haven't been able to find one.

So am I being stupid, bitchy, etc.? Should I tell my guy that I really want the first ring, or let him pick out one that doesn't give me that feeling because he thinks cheaper is better?

redheadfsu

Unless you are paying for it,  I think it is wrong to make him buy a ring that he says is too expensive. He isn't comfortable spending that much so don't even bring that one up again. He might resent spending that much. Do you want to wear something you know he didn't want to buy & will resent? I wouldn't. You should have only looked at rings in the price range he was comfortable spending. Keep looking until you are both happy. Please don't ask him to buy the first ring.

penguin1211

To clarify, he didn't say he was uncomfortable spending that much on a ring. Just that he thinks if you CAN spend less for something, you should. And this was not a $5000 ring or anything like that.

LadyArkham

I definitely agree with PP that you should not ask him for the first ring - it's his money, and it's a gift he's buying for you, he gets final say in what it is.

But I think it's worth pointing out to him that if you're going to spend a lot of money on a piece of jewelry that you're going to be wearing forever, you want it to be worth it. It's an investment, and so you want him to invest in something that's your style, that you'll happily and eagerly wear all the time.

Now you can go look for a ring that's somewhere in between the prices of the two rings that suits you more. I'd let go of that first ring - if he's uncomfortable spending that much, it's not your ring.

HobokensFury

Don't be a brat and insist on getting tthe first ring.  Love the ring he chooses for you.

loves2shop4shoes

Remember that just because someone has the money to spend on something doesn't mean they MUST spend it.  Don't feel entitled to an expensive ring because your BF can afford it.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-being-stupid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:4726ae5b-1605-4a86-a20b-8a386315665fPost:2ee937c4-a9ca-4ee3-9457-0cc84d3a1509">Re: Am I being stupid?</a>:
[QUOTE]To clarify, he didn't say he was uncomfortable spending that much on a ring. Just that he thinks if you CAN spend less for something, you should. And this was not a $5000 ring or anything like that.
Posted by penguin1211[/QUOTE]

Still doesn't change my answer. He will resent buying it. Do you want him to resent your E ring?

penguin1211

Ok, I actually just found online a moissanite ring that looks exactly like the one I wanted but at a much lower price. Does anyone know anything about moissanite, whether it is as pretty as a real diamond or worth looking into?

ogrady88

I wouldn't insist on him buying the first ring.  If you don't like the second one, maybe continue the search.  Also, I'm not sure if this is your FIs personality, but there is also always the possibility that he is saying this to pull your leg.

tldh

Continue searching until you find one in his budget that you love - and make him give you a dollar figure.  I just saw the jeweler who designed my e-ring who was talking about the number of men who insist on buying rings that their FI's hate.  He doesn't get it and and neither do I.

DH told me that since I was going to be wearing the ring for the rest of my life he wanted me to design it.  He gave the jeweler a budget and let the two of us take it from there.  At one point I had to explain why the smaller more expensive sapphire center stone was better than the larger one that he was trying to get the jeweler to use.  DH finally gave in and afterwards his jaw dropped when he saw the finished product.  He actually thanked me for talking sense into him. He beams whenever somebody compliments the ring.  Your FI may need a jewelry lesson also.

I know that everyone has told you that you should love the ring no matter what and that you shouldn't want your FI to resent your ring but I don't agree entirely.  I will be the first to admit that DH spoils me but, like he said, this is a ring you will wear for the rest of your life.  You shouldn't hate it or resent your FI for giving you this ring that he knows you don't like. 

My BFF has resorted to slowly replacing the stones in her ring bit by bit until she gets the e-ring that she wanted.  After four years her husband still hasn't even noticed that her center stone is 1 1/2 times the size of the original and has much better clarity and color or that any of the side stones are changing.

AquarianDragon

I think you shouldn't necessarily rule out the first ring, but also keep looking with an open mind.

I don't know if you've been taking photos of rings you've been looking at. I took photos with my phone, and revisited places before I settled on one.

My FI is also the sort of guy who thinks if you can spend less on something, you should. However, he also considers the differences between products, and in the case of my e-ring, how I reacted to each ring as we looked.

If your e-ring is at an independent jeweler, instead of a chain store, he might be able to negotiate the price by paying cash. My FI was able to have the ring re-designed in platinum (the setting was 18K white gold) at no extra cost, plus take an additional $500 off, by paying cash. My e-ring ended up being half the cost he was expecting/willing to pay.

If you're set on the ring, get photos of it and see if you can have it made for less.

jessienjeremy

Would the second ring still be cheaper if you included the price of a wedding band that you would have to buy with it?

That would be my question... you said the first one came with a band. So maybe that would justify it being more money.

If you cant both agree on one. Keep looking.

palmettogirl924

If you want an actual diamond then look at Blue Nile, James Allen, or a jewler who can recreate it for a much better price. You will also probably get a better quality diamond, for a better price by cutting out the jewlery store. Thsi is what happened to me. I was dead set on a Neil Lane from Kay's.. and FI ended up buying the alternative ring I designed on Blue Nile.

The Neil Lane from Kay's was $4,000 +taxes, and warranty. The color was an "I", cut was an "I1-I2", and the TW was 1.14 carats. The center was a .5 carat. I loved it. And it was truly a beautiful ring. A bit out of our price range.

The alternative and second choice ring, FI and I designed together at Blue Nile. The total of this ring was $2,606 (was tax free, included warranty, and free overnight shippinng). The color of this ring was "E", cut is "SI2", TW of the ring is just about 1 carat, the center stone is .77carat.

He had the final choice, and after comparing the two (not just the price, but the QUALITY) Blue Nile was an all around better deal. It took us a lot of searching though to come to this conclusion. We looked EVERYWHERE. And across the board, Blue  Nile was the best choice for us. Size doesn't always matter. The size of my ring is less than the Neil Lane, but it is beautiful and it's what he felt comfortable buying, and overall I got a better quality. The service was impecable!

If I were you I would try these options and then come to the conclusion with your BF and pick what works best for you. Just because he has the money to spend it doesn't mean he wants to put it all into an e-ring. He may actually be trying to save for your future together...

AdeleDazeem

I'm way late to chime in here, but I have two thoughts:

1. I agree with Stage.  Neither of you should be upset with the choice.  Get a budget and keep looking.

2. If you have your heart set on the first ring, would you be wiling to pay the difference in price?  Yeah, it's a gift, but your boyfriend should not be uncomfortable with the dollar amount.  You could throw some money in, too, since, well, it is your ring.

MallyB86

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-being-stupid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:4726ae5b-1605-4a86-a20b-8a386315665fPost:d9b26b2b-5fa2-4715-a62a-50752eadaad5">Re: Am I being stupid?</a>:
[QUOTE]If he has qualms regarding purchasing a ring over a certain price point, then I wouldn't ask him to do so.  An engagement ring is technically a gift and therefore the purchaser of the gift has the ultimate say in what to buy.  But since you have been e-ring shopping together, then I would suggest more searching.  Keep looking at e-rings but only ones in the price range that he is happy with. Otherwise, if you feel stuck on this one ring, is there anyway to bring the price down on it? Does it come in platinum/palladium/gold?  The metal can make a difference in price. Also can you purchase the same setting of the ring you love and use less expensive stones?  The cut/color/clarity as well as the carat weight of the diamond all factor into the price.  Also if price is playing a considerable factor there is always Moissonite and CZ's.
Posted by kodakitty[/QUOTE]

My Fiance saved a few grand on the center stone for mine just by coming down from 2ct to 1.9ct. With the naked eye, you cannot tell a smidge. I would def try to haggle them down from the original price, whatever ring you choose.

Also, this difference in opinions you and your beloved are having over purchasing your engagement ring is a great opportunity to talk about financial priorities/money management strategies in general. You guys are going to be buying/spending/saving together for a long time and making decisions that are
more expensive and permanent than a ring for a loooooooong time.

All things considered, you get the ring YOU want, Girlfriend. You're going to be rocking it all day, every day, rain or shine, dressed up, dressed down, forever, so make sure YOU like it!

MallyB86

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-being-stupid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:4726ae5b-1605-4a86-a20b-8a386315665fPost:2d6e279e-b99f-4c2d-ab9d-afd6a02b9f1a">Re: Am I being stupid?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think that EITHER of you should resent your e-ring.  DH and I had the opposite problem, with him wanting to spend more on a ring than I was comfortable with and much more than was needed for what I want.  The compromise we ended up with was a ring that was more traditional so that he could be proud of it but more in my range size and budget-wise so that I would be comfortable wearing it all the time. ETA: And I must admit I love the ring that he ended up picking out and getting me so much more than either of the original rings that I really really wanted! My suggestion is to scrap BOTH rings, sit down and have a serious talk about how much your FI is comfortable spending (notice I didn't say how much he COULD spend, but was COMFORTABLE with), and then go shopping for a whole new ring with that number in mind.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

The last paragraph about scrapping the original rings and finding another ring that you want that is within a budget range is GREAT advice. When my fiance and I were shopping, I just kept thinking, "every penny that he spends on this ring is one penny less for my house!"

[Deleted User]

I agree about the not wanting to resent your FI, and the whole wearing it for the rest of your life thing. It should definitely be something you love. 

J&K10910

Why don't you look into getting something custom made?  It's not as expensive as you'd thinkk it might be.

TeamMintle2010

My boyfriend and I had gone ring shopping and put my "dream ring" on lay-away. Well soon after, our budget changed, and we agreed to downgrade price wise for a ring. The one I had originally had my eye on was a 3/4kt princess cut ring with round side accents, all prong set and what I thought was just the most beautiful ring I've ever seen. He ventured out on his own and ended up presenting me with a 1/2kt princess cut solitaire when he proposed. I personally never really paid much attention to solitaires because to me the more sparkle the better, but the sentimental value of this ring makes it far more beautiful than the one we had originally decided on. The center stone is just a step down from what I "had wanted" and I'm sure I can find a wrap for this similar to what we looked at too. We saved over 4 thousand dollars!  My point is even if your man doesn't end up getting exactly what you want I think you'll be surprised with the sentimental value that comes with a ring after he proposes and how that makes something you wouldn't have originally picked yourself, to something that exceeds all expectations.

Enami

I don't think you should force him to buy the first ring, but I also don't think you should settle for the second. I don't care if its meant to be a gift or not, you're the one who has to wear it, you have to be happy with it. I think you should sit down and explain exactly what you like about the first ring and what you like about the second, and get his likes on both as well. Talk about the ring, not the price. See if there's a way you could design your own and keep itin his price range, or see if you can have the diamond switched out on the first.

When we got ours, I picked out the diamond and the band, told them how I wanted it set, and said go. My fiance actually wanted  bigger diamond, but I hate jewelry and bling, so we got a smaller stone. Its super simple, one stone, and exactly what I wanted, and was right at $2000. My fiance told me after we picked it up he was glad we did it this way because he would've had no clue what to get (boy knows exactly what video game to get me, but forget jewelry), and would've picked something the complete opposite. We both knew our budget, why our budget was that much, and figured out a way we both ended up happy.