We recently got engaged, but haven't told too many people yet because before he proposed he happened to tell his mother that he was thinking about proposing to me and she tried to steer him away from it. I wouldn't have thought too much about it, but he told me that she said women want to get married because they want to have babies and he's not ready to have children and women rush into weddings no matter what the man thinks and women who want to get married are just insecure and marriage doesn't change anything. Just basically bashing on me for wanting to get married. It's true that I have been wanting to get married and talk about it a lot, but he made the decision that if I could wait a little while we would have a longer engagement and I agreed. We are 25 and 27, so we are not teenagers or anything and we have been together 15 months, so it's not that not too short of a time.
The problem is now we talked it over and I explained why all that stuff is ridiculous and untrue about us and we are engaged. We have told some close friends and my mother, but he doesn't think we should tell anymore people until we figure out how to tell his family. His parents are divorced and he agrees that we should start with his dad and I agree, but we are still so worried about his mother finding out that we are hesitant.
I am personally so surprised she acted this way that I am worried about what she'll say about me when we she finds out, but how long can we wait on telling people? I am excited and want to tell my family, but i am trying to be respectful that he wants to take his time and tell his family carefully, but I don't think there will ever be a 'right way' to tell his mom. what do we do?
Re: telling his family when his mom doesn't approve
Second of all, your FMIL is projecting her own insecurities about her divorce onto you and your fiance.
You're correct in that there probably isn't going to be a good way to tell her, so I would just do it and have your fiance prepare for the worst. In my opinion, she should be in therapy. Her views on marriage/relationships/women doesn't sounds healthy at all.
[QUOTE]What is a longer engagement supposed to prove? That you weren't fibbing when you told him you weren't planning to have children immediately? I just don't see the point of a long engagement unless it's because of still being in college, long-distance relationship (usually due to being in college), waiting to save money to pay for the wedding, etc. Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]
I personally don't think any of those reasons are any more valid- why not wait until after school to become engaged, or you til you have the money? I know after the proposal I realized what a big step we were taking and if by nothing else his mother's reaction (since I actually have a really good relationship with her). We know we are going to be together forever, we love being engaged, we love planning the wedding and honeymoon, but we want to wait til we take the next step, so what? Now we can take or time in planning, I have time to talk to his mom, we have time to really discuss marital issue before hand, make sure we can properly problem solve, quite frankly I think our decision was pretty mature. I hope that validates it for you.
Getting married does not mean that you have to start cranking out the kids immediately. Unless you've lead them to believe that this is your plan, their concerns are unwarranted, and to be honest, a bit insane.
The second your FMIL started "bashing" you for wanting to get married, your fiance should have defended you. If he can't cut the apron strings and stand up for you, he isn't ready for marriage.
Congratulations!. I don't see a problem with having a long engagement, I also plan to have a long engagement but due to financial reasons, school situations etc. The long engagement I feel is not a problem, I just think you should be concerned about his reason for wanting to wait that long. If it is just to appease his mother I would advise you have a serious conversation about what both you want from this engagement. I hope for all the best for you and your FI.
I hate to like dissapoint my Dad so I was really scared to tell him but I called him and said guess what i'm engaged. he wasnt happy he told me "well what do you want me to say"
i was upset - it blew over eventually (he still thinks I should wait until im like 25 or older to get married) but i've made it clear to him it upsets me when he always brings it up because I feel like he doesnt support me which hurts my feelings.
point of my story haha ( i tend to veer off a lot lol) ... i sucked it up and told him even though i knew he wasnt going to be happy and i think maybe your fi should do that too
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I might think about going out to dinner with her, just as a girl's night out thing. Or find something that you both enjoy. If it comes up, you can talk to her about what getting married means to you, or what being engaged means to you. I had to sit down with his mom and kind of do the same thing. After our dinner and expressing my views on things (in a polite way), as well as telling her where I am from and where I plan to go with my life, she seems to understand a little better. She has actually started to call me her daughter, which is weird, but it's a jump from her wanting me to fall off the face of the earth.