Any one else have this problem? (Sorry, its kinda long.)

ast284

Let me start by saying that I have only been engaged fro a month and a half. We are not intending on getting married until 2013, but we are not sure yet. I know I have plenty of time but I am still getting frustrated.

FI and I have very scarcely discussed what we want as far as a wedding. We have sort of discussed a budget. But most of this comes from a series of questions followed by short answers. I know people have told me not to expect him to want to plan, but I still want him to have an opinion. I know he used to. Back several years ago when we were just friends he mentioned wanting to get married on the beach, but not he just seems to passively agree with what ever I say.

I know this doesn't seem like much of a problem, but I really want to find a direction for our wedding. I have come up with three options and don't want to get my heart set on one only to find out that FI hates it. (He has already vetoed my tent idea.) I know I have plenty and no need to stress. But I also don't want to spend so much time researching ideas that I may not even use. Any one else feel like they are at a stand still?

redheadfsu

Since your wedding is in 2013, my only advice is to wait to plan. You will change your mind tons of times before you have to nail anything down.

Right now just talk budget & other big picture stuff like formal vs informal, number of guests, time of year, etc. When it gets closer start looking at venues.

[Deleted User]

He probably isn't that interested or worried about anything right now bc it is so far off. Try asking him again about a year out or so.

While you could start looking at venues, I would not put any deposits down this far out. You can also start collecting ideas, pictures of what you like and then when the time comes, you will have them to discuss and share with your FI to narrow things down more.

nelsemi

I agree, wait ti discuss it, or set a date and maybe he will take you more seriously. My fiance and and I have been engaged three weeks and plan to marry in 2012 sometime and anytime my mom & i or his mom & I discuss ideas, he doesnt have much to say, He covers his ears and "lalalalala's"  I don't think it's that he doesn't want to plan or marry, it's just that it's not quite real t him yet because we don't know WHEN we are getting married. I know, this isnt the best advice, but just want to let you know you are not alone, and i am glad that I am not, either!

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_one-else-this-problem-sorry-its-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:a04abe07-e73f-4eb7-9749-f70f6280a8d8Post:bb7ee621-6551-407d-8299-ec82b7a25aa3">Re: Any one else have this problem? (Sorry, its kinda long.)</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree, wait ti discuss it, or set a date and maybe he will take you more seriously. My fiance and and I have been engaged three weeks and plan to marry in 2012 sometime and anytime my mom & i or his mom & I discuss ideas, he doesnt have much to say, <strong>He covers his ears and "lalalalala's</strong>"  I don't think it's that he doesn't want to plan or marry, it's just that it's not quite real t him yet because we don't know WHEN we are getting married. I know, this isnt the best advice, but just want to let you know you are not alone, and i am glad that I am not, either!
Posted by nelsemi[/QUOTE]

The bolded part concerns me. This far out most people don't get excited over details/ ideas change, but that is kind of disrespectful. Maybe I'm a brat, but if my FI acted like that I would ask, "Seriously, are you five? Please be respectful."

orangecrush32

I wouldn't worry too much about this yet. You've got time so just worry about nailing down a budget, guests, and a date. Other than that you can wait.

kmd0501

i am getting married in 2013 as well and my FI is the same way.  But I feel its because of the stress of christmas, coupled with the fact that he now has a monthly engagment ring payment, needs a new car and is applying for a new job...so a wedding that is 2 1/2 years away isnt the first thing on his mind right now.  Just enjoy being engaged...he will come around.  We really aren't doing any serious planning until this time next year, so give him til then to start pumping out opinions.  It will happen

misskrysbaby

Yeah for a wedding that is that far off, I would just hold off finding a direction for the wedding, as a lot things can change in that amount of time. In a year, you might dislike the ideas you've come up with or in a year, your budget might allow for more or less than expected, you never know. Coming up with an estimated budget you'd like to save for or atleast a general time of year you'd like to have it is all that's needed at this point.

And also, some guys just aren't interested in planning. And you can't get upset with their disinterest, it's just how some guys are. He might have a few opinions on things, like my FI usually just goes "oh thats nice" or "no, I don't like that" and that's pretty much the extent of his input. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to get married or doesn't care, he just can't assist in that capacity. The way my FI DOES assist is the budget, saving up for the wedding, being there for me when I get stressed and letting me vent when need be. He helped with picking out the venue, but the rest is kind of up to me. And I am fine with that, really. I let him have his say if he DOES have something to add, but if he doesn't, then just be prepared to make the decision on your own, or with a wedding planner.

glam70s

I agree with everything everyone else said. My fiance didn't care at all at 18 months out, he definitely would not have cared before a date was set, and REALLY if the date was 3 years away.

When we were 18 months out from the wedding, I was starting to look at venues and such and he couldn't possibly have cared less, because we had tons of time to figure it out. By the time we booked the venue a year in advance, he was more interested and even suggested a venue that we go to look at (that his friends recommended, so I know he was talking about the wedding with friends, even if not with me). After that he pretty much remained at arm's length and would sometimes give me an opinion, and sometimes not. 4 months out he told me he wanted responsibility for the cake. When invitations were done he told me how much he loved them, and now (less than 2 months away) he's loving the centerpieces and excited about the catering choices.

Just give him time, he'll come around. If he covers his ears though and starts singing "lalalalala", I really don't take that as a good sign! That sounds more like he proposed so you'd stop bugging him about proposing, but isn't really ready to get married.. Of course, I have no further context for that, though.. :-)

uwf_cole23

He's probably still in the shock of paying for your ring, he doesnt want to talk about spending anymore money! Haha.

miabethj

In my case, he is on the whole "whatevre you want to do", but he is still interested in hearing details of what I want. Which makes me feel a lot better, because I know if he strongly disliked something, he'd speak up.

doeie04

My Fiance is the same way. I came home one day and asked him a question and he started freaking out. He doesn't like social occasions, and our wedding is going to be huge due to tons of family. I had been very careful not to talk about the wedding or the engagement a ton. I knew it would make him uncomfortable. So maybe your guy is feeling pressured?

We discussed options. Small wedding with big reception, or big wedding with big reception. (He wants the reception.) They are both going to cost the same, and he will still be talking to the same amount of people. All it is going to do is hurt feelings. I told him he could choose.

I quit talking about it for a while, and he seems to be coming around. He asked me to wait until after Christmas to figure things out. (He is a manager at an electronics store, so it is a very busy season!) So just take it slow. He will come around! We aren't getting married until June of 2012, so there is plenty of time! Who says you can't quietly research your ideas?!

LoveMuffins

He might be like my FI. We're about 9 months out, and although he doesn't have particularly strong ideas, he does have strong feelings about the ideas that I come up with. So I run everything by him, and for the most part he really loves it and if he doesn't than he says so. I think you've got plenty of time though, and your ideas will probably change the closer you get to the wedding. I would just do my own thing with looking around, and not bother him with asking for opinions until you're about a year out. That way he won't feel like he's being inundated so far in advance.

Someone else mentioned gathering pictures, which I think is a fabulous idea (and kind of wishing I'd thought of that when I first started planning). Men are very visual and the more you can "show" him, the easier it will be to explain what's in your head!

michellep1

I think being this far out, its ok if he isn't overly involved in the planning.  I tried to get my fiance involved by giving him things he would like to do, less creative items, like researching which stores have the best perks for their registries.  Since its more fact based, he didn't feel like it was something "girly", and he did a really great job!  He also likes to plan vacations, so he's currently going to town comparing honeymoon ideas.  So my best advice would be to think about the sorts of things he likes to do regularly and ask him to help in that way.

Hope this helps and congratulations on your engagement!