just engaged and having mom issues :(

littlebearbride32106

I know this is so stereotypical but I just couldn't help but post how excited I am to be engaged!!! (And also pose a question about a problem I have).  My fiance and I have been dating for 4 years and have always talked abouat getting married but now it's finally happening!!!!!  I have constant butterflies in my stomach, I couldn't be happier.  He really is the man of my dreams and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him.  Now the issue.... I am 21 years old, and will be 22 when we get married and my mother has made it very clear that she thinks we are too young to get married.  It has really upset me because every time we go to look at gowns, jewelery, or speak to vendors etc, it seems as if she is not only belittling me but also embarassing me when she is so vocal to everyone about her feelings.  I had a saving grace the other day when an older woman at a jewelery store turned to her and said "Age doesn't matter, as long as she's happy, that's all that counts.  And she definitely has that glow.  Look at her."  It silenced my mom for at least a little while and put an even bigger smile on my face.  But I know my mom will always be outward about her feelings and it is already taking away a lot from the experience for me.  What should I do?

amagwire

Your mother is concerned because you are young.  You just need to talk to her and tell her that you understand her concerns about your age, but that you would appreciate it if she could support you.  Maybe she can't be as involved as you would like if she can't keep her feelings to herself, but she shouldn't be stressing you out about it either. 

emarston1

Agreed with PP.  If my 21 year old daughter was telling me she was getting married, I would definitely have many concerns.  I will be 25 when I get married and I still don't feel old enough sometimes.

You can't control her comments or her opinion, you can only control how you react to it.  If she has made it clear that she can't go dress shopping without making hurtful comments, maybe you need to rethink how involved she will be in the process.

I'm sorry you are going through this and hopefully you can talk to your mom and work through the issues.  Good luck!

trix1223

I think your mom is concerned because you've been dating this guy since you were 16-17 and are now, at age 21 talking about getting married.

I'd feel the same way.  My DD was just shy of 26 when she was married last July.  If she married the same guy she was dating at 17, they'd probably be divorced by now.

My younger DD is 24 and in the second year of a post-grad fellowship.  She has a wonderful bf, but will not make any serious commitment until the fellowship is over and she has a job.

I'm afraid that I agree with your mom.  Finish your education.  Spend a couple of years as a "young adult" before racing into marriage.  If it's right, it will last. 

There are no good reasons to rush into marriage, and a thousand reasons why it's a bad idea.

redheadfsu

I kind of agree you are young. Sounds like he was your first boyfriend. I believe one must be single as an adult before they know themselves well enough to get married.

But, just don't tell her anything about the wedding. (As long as she is not paying a cent.)

jgilmore86

Don't worry about what people have to say. I'm 23 and FI is 22 and we were 22 and 21 when we got engaged and have been together for 5 years this month. People will have their opinions but who are they to put an age on love? Why does it matter if your 21 or 25, if you know you know and age definitely does not matter in that situation.

CassandraLynn718

Age doesn't matter, who cares if you've been with the same guy for that long, its what you two feel is right and if you both believe that you will make it in the long run thats all that matters.  Just like you and jgilmore86 i've been with my fh for 3 1/2 years and we are getting married when i'm 21 and he is 23

MyNameIsNot

Age absolutely matters.  Making the commitment to get married is for the rest of your life, and most people are not ready to do that until they've been out in the world and on their own for a while.  Our brains aren't even fully mature until 25.  What does that tell you?  Statistics show that most marriages between people under 25 don't last.  The divorce rate for people marrying younger is so much higher.  And there's a reason.  Most people aren't ready to make that kind of commitment at such a young age.  

Your mother has known you your whole life.  She knows you better than you think, and she knows a lot more about marriage than you do.  If you're smart and mature, you'd hear her out and respect her opinion.  She knows what she's talking about.   

I'd suggest sitting down with your mom when it's just the two of you, and bring it up.  Say "I know you think I'm young to be getting married.  Can we talk about it?"  Have a rational discussion and listen to her points.  Then at the end of it, say "Ok, now that we've discussed this, can you stop bringing it up in public?"  

mbcdefg

I think your mother wouldn't be a responsible parent if she didn't voice her concerns and just pretended like she's super-happy for you. Because you ARE really young. If my 21 year-old daughter came to me and said she was getting married, I would absolutely not be happy about it. I don't understand what your rush is ... you barely know yourself at this point in life, and I will guarantee you that your goals, interests and personality will change a LOT in the next 3-5 years.

It's very typical for a young person to think that people are shooting down their ideas because they want to be mean, negative, party poopers, what have you ... rather than realizing that people older and wiser than you are most likely trying to talk you out of making a mistake. I very much doubt that your mother is acting this way just to make a stink about things.

But if you're living on your own and take care of all your own expenses, she can't really do anything to stop you from getting married, although I wish you would listen to your mother and take her opinions into consideration if she feels you are too young. I agree with MyNameIsNot when she said to ask your mom if you can talk about this in private rather than in public.

diamondx423

i don't think getting married at your age is too young. i'd rather get married younger than i will be because then we'd have more time to have fun before we have kids.

the older you are the greater the chances of there being issues with having children, so why not get married younger and "enjoy life" a little longer before having children.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_just-engaged-having-mom-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:a3df5bca-179c-42e8-a309-11d4e88ffd5bPost:c32b0515-76ba-4007-87e4-b20bb5a4c2cf">Re: just engaged and having mom issues :(</a>:
[QUOTE]i don't think getting married at your age is too young. i'd rather get married younger than i will be because then we'd have more time to have fun before we have kids. the older you are the greater the chances of there being issues with having children, so why not get married younger and "enjoy life" a little longer before having children.
Posted by diamondx423[/QUOTE]

You realize most woman don't have childbearing issues until  over 35, right?

littlebearbride32106

I appreciate the insight from the "older, wiser" women on here but I never said I competely misunderstood where my mom was coming from.  All I said was that I didn't appreciate her speaking about it in public.  I know the statistics about marriages, especially at my age.  However I am very mature and my fiance and I have been through a lot together.  There are plenty of couples out there that are older than us but get engaged after only 6 months of dating.  How is that better?  We didn't rush this, we've been together for 4 years. We also DID take time to see other people in between to make sure that this is what we really wanted and that we weren't the only serious relationship each other had had.  After each seeing a couple of other people it was very clear to us that we are right for each other.  We are both responsible and have been on our own, paying our own bills for over two years.  We have good, stable career paths and structured goals with plans on how we will complete them.  I know that age does have something to do with maturity and decision-making but I don't believe that it is the ONLY thing that influences it.  I respect my mother's opinion and understand where she is coming from but she has told me she approves of my fiance many times before.  He is a good man.  She was also married at the age of 21.  My fiance's parents have been married since his mother was 19 and they have one of the best marriages I know of.  I wanted this to be a happy time for me and I appreciate all of the support I have gotten from some people and although I also appreciate the "words of wisdom", I was hoping for some "congratulations" and "good lucks" more than "listen to your mother".  I may be young but I am an adult, capable of making my own, educated decisions.  I am not making a mistake in this marriage and I will always defend that.

CynikettE

If you have seen other people within the last 4 years, then you have not been together for 4 years!

I'll be 21 when I get married, and I actually do think it's a bit young, but I want to have a somewhat large (150 people) wedding and I like DIY projects, and I will not have time for that while working on my PhD, so we're getting married a few months before I start graduate school.  My fiance and I have only been dating for 2 years, but we were best friends for a few years before that, so I feel like we have grown up together, so I think we'll be okay continuing to do so.  His family loves me and my family adores him, so we've pretty much had everyone's blessing.

There's nothing wrong with a long engagement though.   Have you discussed a wedding date? Maybe you could just wait another year to get married.  Your mother is important to you, and I feel like that would be a compromise.  You can still look at dresses and start planning of course

luckyme502

First, I understand where your mom is coming from.  I'm 31 and sometimes I'm not sure I'm ready to get married.  You need to sit down and calmly tell your mother that you understand her concerns, that you are getting married, that you love each other and that making all the comments she is making is just hurting your feelings, not productive, and is not going to change you mind.  You need to calmly remind her that you are an adult, that you respect her opinion, but you do not agree with it. 

BlueBride11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_just-engaged-having-mom-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:a3df5bca-179c-42e8-a309-11d4e88ffd5bPost:30bf1211-2fcc-458f-95c3-1b23ec1efc50">Re: just engaged and having mom issues :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Age absolutely matters.  Making the commitment to get married is for the rest of your life, and most people are not ready to do that until they've been out in the world and on their own for a while.  Our brains aren't even fully mature until 25.  What does that tell you?  Statistics show that most marriages between people under 25 don't last.  The divorce rate for people marrying younger is so much higher.  And there's a reason.  Most people aren't ready to make that kind of commitment at such a young age ?"  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

I think your very wrong about this. She is an adult both of drinking age. My parents were married at 21 and 22, had 2 kids by 24 and have been married for 29 years.  Who says your brains are not fully mature until 25?? I know many 18-25 yr olds that are way more mature than some 26-30 yr olds. Its all about the person. Who cares what your mom thinks, its not her life or her future husband.  Lots of parents just go to the bad and what if's. What it comes down to is that your an adult and you make your own decisions. As far as the divorce "statistics" <font face="trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica">25% of adults have had at least one divorce during their lifetime. Which they account to the lower income rates. So in theory you have a higher divorce rate due to income than you do for age.
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BlueBride11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_just-engaged-having-mom-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:a3df5bca-179c-42e8-a309-11d4e88ffd5bPost:3ceb0a7e-397d-4ad9-9a01-19209c10f684">Re: just engaged and having mom issues :(</a>:
[QUOTE]I appreciate the insight from the "older, wiser" women on here but I never said I competely misunderstood where my mom was coming from.  All I said was that I didn't appreciate her speaking about it in public.  I know the statistics about marriages, especially at my age.  However I am very mature and my fiance and I have been through a lot together.  There are plenty of couples out there that are older than us but get engaged after only 6 months of dating.  How is that better?  We didn't rush this, we've been together for 4 years. We also DID take time to see other people in between to make sure that this is what we really wanted and that we weren't the only serious relationship each other had had.  After each seeing a couple of other people it was very clear to us that we are right for each other.  We are both responsible and have been on our own, paying our own bills for over two years.  We have good, stable career paths and structured goals with plans on how we will complete them.  I know that age does have something to do with maturity and decision-making but I don't believe that it is the ONLY thing that influences it.  I respect my mother's opinion and understand where she is coming from but she has told me she approves of my fiance many times before.  He is a good man.  She was also married at the age of 21.  My fiance's parents have been married since his mother was 19 and they have one of the best marriages I know of.  I wanted this to be a happy time for me and I appreciate all of the support I have gotten from some people and although I also appreciate the "words of wisdom", I was hoping for some "congratulations" and "good lucks" more than "listen to your mother".  I may be young but I am an adult, capable of making my own, educated decisions.  I am not making a mistake in this marriage and I will always defend thatPosted by littlebearbride32106[/QUOTE]

Don't let the people on the knot get you down. I have said this before on other posts and ill say it again. You will see the same people over and over bashing people on here. Or giving their "opinions" on your life. Even though you didn't ask them what they think about you getting married at 21, so many of them feel the need to put their 2 cents about your life in. Rather than give the advise your asking for they want to preach.

pinkpinot

Hey Littlebear, congrats on the engagement! You should talk to your mom & let her know it hurts your feelings & embarrasses you when she makes comments about your age/marriage/whatever publicly.  I understand your situation in a way and if I were you, I'd probably not involve my mom in much wedding planning or just try not to talk about it around her (if that's possible, not sure if she is helping you pay for it).  I know every relationship is different and while this is not true for myself, I do believe people who are younger & in love can grow together & continue to be in love.  I have two great friends who married their high school sweethearts. One married at 22 the other at 19!  I will be the first to admit, I rolled my eyes and was like yeah, ok they will be divorced by 26.  I kept comparing their relationships with the failed relationships I had at a young age.  We are all now on the brink of 27 and they are still happy & married.  If both parties are on the same page, I think you can make it work.  Best of luck! 

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_just-engaged-having-mom-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:a3df5bca-179c-42e8-a309-11d4e88ffd5bPost:fe2f9e3c-caa0-4935-b528-350700f9ebb5">Re: just engaged and having mom issues :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: just engaged and having mom issues :( : I think your very wrong about this. <strong>She is an adult both of drinking age.</strong> My parents were married at 21 and 22, had 2 kids by 24 and have been married for 29 years. <strong> Who says your brains are not fully mature until 25??</strong> I know many 18-25 yr olds that are way more mature than some 26-30 yr olds. Its all about the person. Who cares what your mom thinks, its not her life or her future husband.  Lots of parents just go to the bad and what if's. What it comes down to is that your an adult and you make your own decisions. As far as the divorce "statistics" 25% of adults have had at least one divorce during their lifetime. Which they account to the lower income rates. So in theory you have a higher divorce rate due to income than you do for age.
Posted by BlueBride11[/QUOTE]

Well, if they are both of drinking age, then they are definitely mature enough to get married!

And who says that human brians haven't developed until the age of 25?  Science.  Doctors.  Research. 

I agree very much with MNIN, however, each person is different.  Most people are just saying that there are a lot of changes going on between the ages of 20 and 25/26 and sometimes they spell recipes for disaster when it comes to marriage.  The mother is right is voicing her opinion.  However... perhaps not in public all the time.  And the only way to get it to stop is to have a mature conversation with her, addressing her concerns and addressing your own. 

BlueBride11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_just-engaged-having-mom-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:a3df5bca-179c-42e8-a309-11d4e88ffd5bPost:1b9f00f8-57ca-4a84-aef8-9371876e6133">Re: just engaged and having mom issues :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: just engaged and having mom issues :( : Well, if they are both of drinking age, then they are definitely mature enough to get married! And who says that human brians haven't developed until the age of 25?  Science.  Doctors.  Research.  I agree very much with MNIN, however, each person is different.  Most people are just saying that there are a lot of changes going on between the ages of 20 and 25/26 and sometimes they spell recipes for disaster when it comes to marriage.  The mother is right is voicing her opinion.  However... perhaps not in public all the time.  And the only way to get it to stop is to have a mature conversation with her, addressing her concerns and addressing your own. 
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

Did i say that drinking age=maturity? NO i said you are an adult. Which you are as of 18 in the US. And yeah scientifically speaking maybe but that does not mean your not "mature" enough to get married. Some people are in their 30s and not mature enough for commitment. You do not know this person or how mature they are. so just by seeing the age 21 does not mean you know enough to say your too young. My point has been made.

chosen175

Congrats and sorry you've been having such a tough time! 

If your mom isn't paying for any part of the wedding, I say stop involving her.  Tell her that her negativity is ruining the happiest time of your life and therefore you are choosing to take your BM's/sister/cousin/grandmother with you instead.  I don't think your mother means to hurt your feelings, but I also don't think she realizes that she is. 

I had similar issues with my aunt (who raised me and is like a mother) so now she just doesn't get any of the info/details.  She can be surprised like all the other guests.  We had a talk about it and I told her that if she couldn't respect my choices, then I wouldn't  be discussing things with her anymore.  (She's mad that we're doing a DW, and that the ceremony won't be taking place inside a Catholic Church, so it won't be recognized by the Catholic religion... which to her means it's not a "real" marriage.)   Apparently she's ok with not talking about it.  It bugs me, but that's what she chose.

lkm2006

I'm 21 (will be 22 next month) and getting married in November.  I also have been with FI (we started dating when I was 16).  It would completely drive me crazy if someone told me I was too young to get married.  

I'm not a child, I realize marriage is a life time commitment and I don't think it should be entered in lightly.   Personally, I think I take marriage more seriously than half of the 30 somethings do. 

I would like to say check back with me in 20 years to all of those who disagree.

lkm2006

whoops.. I meant to say I have also been with FI 5 years.. I promise I'm educated!

HeatherBell89

Don't worry about all the people telling you that you are too young. Maturity is the issue, not age!

On another note, I wonder if all these people telling you that you are to young would turn down a proposal to the man of their dreams in their early 20s. Im guessing not. They just think that since that isn't what they did, it's not right.

Every person matures differently, if you are sure of your decision, go for it girl!!

redheadfsu

Oh god, ok yes there were some negative responses. But many were just so OP could understand mom was trying (in a bad way) to give advice & look out for her daughter.

Op has never addressed whether mom is paying. All those giving "don't worry about being young" are not providing advice about how to handle mom. OP like I said b/f, if mom is not paying leave her out of details (or elope & cancel the big party if she is paying for it.)

sgervais88

Guess I'll add my two cents....

I am 20 and have been with FI since we were both 15 years old. We will be 22 and 21 when we get married. We dated for four years before getting engaged.

We realized that we are young, and therefore decided to wait two and a half years for a wedding. We know we want to be together; the reason for our long engagement isn't because we are unsure. Just thought I would clarify that. However, we know the statistics, and we know that as you mature, your personality changes. Lots of things change. So we are planning on a long engagement to insure that, even though we will be young, we will know we are mature enough and financially stable enough to get married.

However, lilke I said, people change as they get older. Should we reach our wedding date and feel that we are not ready to get married yet, or are not financially stable enough to do so, then we will post pone our wedding by another year or two.

The above info was just to clarify that although we may be young, like OP, we are not under the impression that marriage is easy and something to be taken lightly. (Also, I don't think OP feels that way either.) Age doesn't equal maturity.

You should definitely sit and down and talk to your mom. Other than your age, is there any other reason why she doesn't want you to get married? If not, you should explain to her that while you are young, you are mature enough to make that kind of commitment.

swim1011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_just-engaged-having-mom-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:a3df5bca-179c-42e8-a309-11d4e88ffd5bPost:6b1ac9ca-561f-469d-af04-83aec5574f22">Re: just engaged and having mom issues :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't worry about all the people telling you that you are too young. Maturity is the issue, not age! <strong>On another note, I wonder if all these people telling you that you are to young would turn down a proposal to the man of their dreams in their early 20s. Im guessing not. They just think that since that isn't what they did, it's not right.</strong> Every person matures differently, if you are sure of your decision, go for it girl!!
Posted by HeatherBell89[/QUOTE]

No, some of these women did exactly that- and ended up divorced bc they were too young when they got married. 

OP, your mom has a point, but she is pushing the issue a bit far.  Sit her down and let her know that you are hurt by the way she won't let this go.  You won't want to hear them, but my two cents are that you should listen to your mom, and wait.  I'm 26 and still feel sometimes like I'm not ready to be married.  And claiming how mature you are is a sign of just how mature you are not. 

pinklebabe

Omg I am having the same issues and it's really hard. My mom feels the same way because she got married young. I have been with my fiance for 5 years and I will be 21 when I get married. We have been through so much together and never broken up. We have grown up together, and we will continue to grow up together. Doesn't it get to a point where you want to shake your mom and be like THIS IS HAPPENING, be happy I am happy. UGH, such a hard situation, my mother has made my engagement very straining. I hope both you and I can deal with this together!

afrances52385

     First of all CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement, I wish you and your fiancee all the happiness.  Secondly you are truely in love, no one can take that away from you.  Some people will go through their whole lives never experiencing that.  The feeling of finding the right one & knowing that you were going to marry this person, no matter how long or short you have known them.  I'm 24, going to be 25, I've know my fiancee a little over a year, we have been dating since september of 2009, he proposed on jan. 9th 2010. You can imaging, a lot of ppl gave me grief.
      You don't have to listen to me or anyone else here, its what you feel in your heart, in your soul.  If anyone has a problem with your decision, you're an adult, you control your life.  If you already tried the sit down w/your mom, & she still won't support you, then don't speak of wedding details w/her.  My mom wants to wear tan to my wedding, I'm a bit harsh w/her, I told her if she is wearing tan than she will not have the anything to do w/my wedding.  Its your day, its your decision, you're allowed to be a little aggressive. 
     You only get married once, usually.  LOL.  Take a stand girlie.  You might have a great relationship w/your mom, but she doesn't if she continues to disrespect you.  No one deserves to be disrespected, especially a BRIDE to BE.
    Congratulations again....Your day will be amazing. 


Avy

[Deleted User]

Well, I'm torn.

On the one hand, I agree with your mom. You are young, and seeing as how you and your FI saw other people, you haven't actually been together 4 years. That's a red flag for me because it's not a 4-year-long committed relationship, it's an on-again, off-again, which usually end in disaster. Also, your mom probably sees it as "why the hell are you marrying your first real boyfriend" kind of thing, and I agree. I will never consider high school relationships to be real (or anything other than hormones), so it isn't really a romantic notion to me to be marrying your HS sweetheart. If anything, it's stupid, mainly because everyone I know who married their HS boyfriend or girlfriend ended up miserable.

On the other hand, I understand where you're coming from. I think plenty of people are mature enough at 21 to know who they want to marry. I met my FI when I was 20 and he was 27, and I knew from the first date that he was the one. We dated for 3 years before he proposed, and I'll be 24 when we marry. And no one ever questioned it because they know me, and know I'm not the type to jump into anything. So, I do get your side of things as well.

So, I guess I don't really have any advice. Do what you want to do, you will anyway.

K8andGreg

I am in a similar situation as you! My fiance and I have been together since we were 15... it's been 7 years. We are 22, and just engaged! We are having a 2 year engagement because we will be finished our degrees in a year. We have some family members who are saying we are too young, and are discouraging. But ultimately, we are the ones who live together, and we are the ones who are making the decision. Our decision to marry only effects our lives, no one elses.

So with your mom being so negative... I would have a conversation with her. Tell here your feelings for your fiance and you understand her concern with age, but you love her and respect her but are asking for her to love and respect you and your decision. After the conversation, take her with you to do wedding stuff and if she is STILL disrespectful, I'd just stop bring her along.

Congrats and don't let her get you down! 

kiky23

Remember most of our Great Grandparents got married at between 16 and 18 and the majority of them stayed together. I feel like if you're younger like myself (21) and you've been dating for several years and even lived together for several years what's the big hardship going to be? Everyone has problems but you have to chose your battles carefully. Don't sweat the small things like he leaves the toilet seat up, worry about the big things and never let bills get in the way. You shouldn't fight all the time it doesn't do any good. If you're stressed have a picnic or something to chill out and do something where it'll help destress you both. As long as you enjoy eachothers company and trust in one another you guys will be fine in my opinion. As for your Mother tell her off. She'll keep walking all over you as long as you let her. Speak up and tell her she's embarassing you and that if she continues to act in that way you arnt going to let her go to these things with you.