What to do with "daddy dearest"...oh- and intro, too :)

KathiC

Hello everyone! I've been lurking for a while, and think it is finally time to make a formal intro. I am 42- first marriage for me, 2nd for FI, getting married sept this year...plans are coming along fine (holy crap is this expensive!!!), and I am marrying the greatest guy in the world...so sorry for the rest of you, I'm keeping him all to myself, lol.

Anyway, long story short, here is my drama...I mean, dilema:

I have not ever had the closest relationship with my father, who lives out of state, and has for many years. Until recently, I was inviting him to the wedding, but he would not be "giving me away", although I had decided I would do the father-daughter dance w/ him just to sort of "do the right thing". At anyrate, there was some family squabble that ensued more recently (from about sept until now), and I decided I wouldnt even invite him to the wedding (who could I possibly sit him with?- do you break up the rest of the family so some sit w/ my mom, and some sit w/ him??? Anyway, He was giving me the silent treatment until a couple of weeks ago, when he used my neices phone (his grand-daughter) to call me, knowing that i wouldn't answer if it was him...not that he offered any appology for his juvenile behavior- no he just pretended like everything was just hunky-dory...really, this is how he operates. Truthfully, I think he found out about the STD's that went out, and realized he didn't get one...Soooo...my question is...do I invite him? If I do, do I have to dance with him? Who do I sit him and his long-term GF w/? He can be such a miserable person, and stuck up SOB sometimes, I honestly don't know what to do with him if he does come, and, sadly, I really don't even know if I want him there. I am the ony female in our family with 3 other brothers...what to do- what to do???
Thanks!

Lisa50

Welcome to the boards, Kathy.  Congratulations on your engagement.  Before I answer the questions, I'm going out on a limb and say you're being driven by a lot of assumptions of how weddings should go, rather than really thinking out what YOU want your celebration to be.  So, before I take a stab at your questions, mine is: Do you know what you want?  I don't mean for that to sound snippy, but you sound really confused.

Here we go ...

Do I invite him? That's a decision only you can make.  I'll play the devil's advocate here and answer "No.  Do not invite him."

If I do, do I have to dance with him?  If you invite him, no you do not have to dance with him.  Why would you "have to" do that?
 
Who do I sit him and his long-term GF w/?  Don't worry about where they sit.  Let them seat themselves and be done with it.  If you invite him at all.

I am the ony female in our family with 3 other brothers...what to do- what to do???  I have no idea what this means, other than you are the only woman (daughter) and you either have 3 or 4 brothers ("other brothers").  Please explain. Thanks!

KathiC

OK, let me elaborate a little further, as I can assure you I am not at all confused.

I planned to invite him out of obligation, it's not like I haven't spoken to him, or don't have any relationship at all with him, it has simply always been a little strained. My brothers have had varying degrees of closeness to him as well. I thought it would be better to be the bigger person, if you understand. While I may not want him to be there, it may still be the right thing to do, I'm sure I'm not the only person who has faced this dilemma.

As far as my mentioning that I am the only female child in the family, it was meant to explain that as the only daughter, and over 40 at that, this is the only opportunity for him to have the opportunities that are usually presented to the father of the bride, such as the dance, etc.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_40-plus-brides_what-to-do-with-daddy-dearestoh-and-intro-too?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:69dea60c-2319-4015-8380-4a5cc0f18476Discussion:57a18646-a8e7-4c40-a4ce-7543135a0dfePost:e2d626ce-3b78-4b3d-80bc-27a4a92015a9">Re: What to do with "daddy dearest"...oh- and intro, too :)</a>:
[QUOTE]OK, let me elaborate a little further, as I can assure you I am not at all confused. I planned to invite him out of obligation, it's not like I haven't spoken to him, or don't have any relationship at all with him, it has simply always been a little strained. My brothers have had varying degrees of closeness to him as well. I thought it would be better to be the bigger person, if you understand. While I may not want him to be there, it may still be the right thing to do, I'm sure I'm not the only person who has faced this dilemma. As far as my mentioning that I am the only female child in the family, it was meant to explain that <strong>as the only daughter, and over 40 at that, this is the only opportunity for him to have the opportunities that are usually presented to the father of the bride, such as the dance, etc.
</strong>Posted by KathiC[/QUOTE]

Okay, I'm getting it.  In my humble opinion, you need not put yourself through the torture of a dance with a man you cannot stomach. Many a reception has come and gone without a father/daughter dance, mine included. This is your wedding, you don't owe anyone -- <em>not anyone</em> -- an invitation, a dance, nothing. I promise you, it is a fabulous feeling to build a wedding and reception celebration which reflects your happiness.

I believe, once you free yourself of restrictive, old school expectations (obligations, to use your language) and allow yourself the luxury of celebrating your wedding day in a way that makes you and your fiance happy, you will begin to work through some of these issues.  This is about you and your soon-to-be husband. No one else.

Honestly, though, do you feel you can think about yourself in favorable terms, as a woman (a human being, not a "female") who deserves to begin married life with a wedding celebration full of joy and happiness? You definitely owe yourself that much.  Good luck!

KathiC

Thank you both for your interesting insight!

denisefleming

Kathi,

I certainly second the others' view that you do not need to feel guilty about the father-daughter dance, etc. 

However, assuming that your father is a decent person and assuming that you may someday have more of a relationship with him, I WOULD invite him.  This recommendation would of course go right out the window if he cannot be civil, etc.  Being at your wedding is something that you cannot re-do.  My own mom walked out on my first wedding (she was upset that I was marrying HIM).  Nearly 27 years later, it still hurts that she was not there.  Now, this time around, she may not be well enough to be in attendance.  This is something that is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I would personally hate to make a decision that I may regret later.  You can always talk to your dad about expectations and designate someone (one of your brothers?) to help usher him out if he upsets you during the wedding.

Just my two cents...