Daughter of a MOH

hartman3

Hey guys,

I need to see how other women feel about this. I am not an over 40 bride, I'm 25 and recently engaged.  A few months before my engagement my mom's best friend who is 40+ (who's been in  my life forever) got engaged as well. She's been really helpful to me planning my wedding. She gave us all her books and notes when she was at a point where the major stuff for hers was planned.  The down side of this is I'm really frustrated having to share my mom. 

My mom's friend never had a wedding before and has been a little demanding of my mom's time.  My mom has a very stressful career, and is also taking care of my grandmother (82) which is a challenge in itself.  I'm really thankful that my fiance's mom has taken an interest in helping us plan (without being overbearing.) I'm fairly close to my future MIL, my fiance and I live around the corner. My fiance is one of 3 boys so my future MIL likes planning things all the women can do together while the boys are doing stuff. (I usually have to laugh at some of the horror stories I read on the Knot, because that is SO far from the situation i'm in - truely a blessing).
 
Still, I'm a little upset becasue I want my mom's focus on my wedding. We're at the stage where we're trying to chose a venue for our wedding next year, and its taking every saturday morning for the last couple and next couple weekends. I feel like I'm always taking my mom away from everything else she has to do. I've tried to talk to my mom about how I feel and she just responds that she just has a lot to do. I've tried to schedule things Saturday mornings because its free for everyone. I feel like I shouldn't have to compete with anyone for my mom regarding my wedding.

Lisa50

Your mom is perfectly capable of helping with both weddings.  Chillax.  Seriously.

FSForever

It sounds like its not just your Mother's friend but how busy she is that is upsetting you. You already mention that you have to laugh at some of the horror stories because you have the support.  Your Mother is a grown woman and if she can divide her time and make it work you need to let it go.  You are lucky to have so many woman in your life that are supportive and there are a lot bigger issues to deal with.  

Just a little background. My daughter got engaged 6 months after we did and married just 5 months later. We bumped our date 6 mos. because we knew we would have to compromise.  I am not going to lie there were times that both FI and I felt like we were put on the back burner, but we are still having our dream wedding and its all working out. Plus we gained a wonderful SIL. There are a lot of emotions when you are getting married, just don't let them take control over the whole picture. 

hartman3

It DOES take time to chose a venue, and anyone who says it doesn't is careless. We've reasearched online prior to visiting every space, and are only visiting 10% of the spaces we inquired about.  My fiance and I are both conceptual design Architects who really feel that the space is important.  Its not about impressing people, or having something grand, but its about being absolutely perfect. 
I think our situation is just too unique for anyone to understand. Clearly this isn't helping.

hartman3

Also, I dont' know where you guys live, but venues in our area are ALREADY BOOKED for fall of 2013. One of our favorites only has 1 Saturday left in October.  None in Sept. and the only in November is Thanksgiving weekend (NOT an option for us).
I know that many MOH's have a limited commitment, but in my mom's case this is completely different. 40+ brides aren't supposed to bridezillas, but in this case, she is. I'm not sharing my mom.

maglinpa

I agree with PP in that your mother is a grown woman and should be able to prioritize and manage her time.  Unfortunately, you will have to share your Mom if she made a commitment to her friend.  I would suggest talking to your mother and letting her know that you want her to help in your planning and what things are most important to you for her to be a part of and figuring out a way to compromise and make it work.

My mother had a stroke the year before we got engaged and was not able to help at all.  My FI's mother is not a part of his life anymore and I had to do most of the planning and decision making on my own.  It was tough shopping for a dress and picking a venue without her there, but I took a lot of photos and shared them with her before I made final decisions.  I also relied on my BMs and friends to help me.  Perhaps to save her some time you could go and look at all the places, take photos, and then share them with her.  Narrow it down to the top three and then have her look at just those places.  You and your FI will know the place when you walk in whether your mother is there or not.

The ladies on this board are very helpful.  We are coming from a different place--some of us don't have our parents with us and would have given anything to have had the opportunity just to share their time and have them there for our big day.