Wedding and Reception..Even Though We Aren't 20-somethings?

KelleyKelz

Hey, ladies.  I love to hear thoughts on this...

I am newly engaged, and am just starting to plan (mostly the general idea, big picture stuff).  I will be 38, and my finance will be 41 on our wedding day.  This is the first wedding for both of us, but I feel like maybe it should be low key (although, I want to celebrate, and don't want it to be very small and low key) because we aren't 20-something (not even early 30-something). I'm not saying I want over the top, just saying is it ok for people who aren't 20 or 30-something to have a "normal" sized wedding and a reception?  What do you think?

Also, I don't feel that a shower is appropriate (one, because we're older), but I know his mom will want to throw one.  Is a shower appropriate?  How can I or can I nicely suggest (once asked of course) that I don't think it's appropriate (or is it)?

The other thing is registries...I don't feel like it's appropriate to do this, but I feel like we should because we will have many people who don't want to give money or gift cards (because they are so impersonal) .  So, first question here is, if you don't have a shower, do you let people know about registries through word of mouth (I'm assuming) if they want to know?  I've always felt like putting registry information in a wedding invitation is tacky, but when I've received registry information in other wedding invitations, I was happy to have it.  My plan at the moment is to NOT include the registry information in the invitation.

Any and all thoughts and suggestions would be appreciated.

island07b2b

I am not expecting a shower. 

I am having a small to medium wedding.  That's what I've always wanted since my 20s.  It's my first wedding and my FH's second.  He would be fine with the JOP but I wanted to have my day.  He understands that and wants me to be happy.  A celebration should be a celebration no matter the age. 

I've no idea about a registry. This is the one aspect of the wedding I feel really weird about because of our ages.  I am maybe considering asking for donations to certain charities/organzations.

If I do set up a registry, I am considering putting it on the invite since I don't know if I am going to have a website. 

adeedrory

perfect venue for sophisticated not 20 something bride that's me www.gardensofparadise.com

Lisa50

Congrats on your engagement!  It seems that you are more worried about what is "normal" than what feels right for you and your fiance. Honestly, once the two of you agree upon a budget, you owe yourselves the time to reflect upon what you really want.

Why turn down a shower if your future mother-in-law wants to host one?  I don't see the harm, if it doesn't come with strings attached.  We did not have a registry -- we'd both been married and divorced with complete households set up -- and still received gifts.  You will receive gifts, either way.

Give yourself a break and do what makes you HAPPY.

linda0823

I'm 48 years old and getting married for the first time, and my attitude is that I have waited long enough for this day that it will be exactly the celebration that my husband-to-be and I dream of.  We are planning a medium-sized wedding and reception, and it is exactly what fits us and our budget.  I am wearing a gorgeous dress with a big train.  I do not subscribe to any rules correlating age with type of wedding.  I think that's actually pretty old-fashioned these days, as so many women are getting married later in life.
As far as registries go, we are registering for our honeymoon -- restaurants, spas, activities. We are also including two charities that we feel strongly about.  There just isn't anything we need for a combined household from two already well-appointed homes.  We should have a give-away shower instead! 
Best of luck and do what feels right for you and your fiancee.
 

QueenElizabeth2

I agree with Lisa50 and others. Have the wedding that will make you and your FI happy.

Congrats on your engagement and happy planning!

RoMy215

I was also 38 when we got married last year (and was bummed that this board didn't exist for most of my planning!). Totally agree with Lisa50. 

My husband wanted to get married- but I knew that I wanted a wedding. I knew that if we didn't have the wedding I'd always wanted, I'd look back with regret. So we had an evening, sit down dinner wedding. And I had a dress with a train, and we registered for gifts. As pp's said--many guests will want to give a gift and it really is helpful to know what you want. Unless everyone really knows you and your taste, it's nice to at least give people an option that helps let them know what you like/want/need. You could probably stand to replace a few things (I had some dishes, but they were old so we opted to replace those and get a set of 10...things like that). 

You do not include registry information in the invitation. If you really don't want a shower, you can create a wedding website or have your attendants and/or family spread the word. 

Just because you're not 23 doesn't mean you shouldn't get the experience you want. 

Congrats and take in every moment!!! 

Geri510

Congrats on your engagement.

I have to agree when others posted that you should have everything that all other brides have - if you want big wedding & can afford it have it, if you want to register do it. Why shouldn't you & your fiance have the wedding that you want regardless of your ages. I couldn't care if you are 20, 40 or 60 - have what you want. It's your day & there is no age to have a wedding that you both want.

In fact I was 44 when I got married for the first time last Nov & my now husband was 40 (his first marriage as well) & I had a shower, we did the registry thing & we had 110 people at our wedding. Just because you're over a certain age doesn't mean that you should be deprived of something that you want especially if you can afford it.

Good luck.

Sue-n-Kevin

I agree with everyone else: do what makes you both happy. I got married for the first time last August and I was 56. We had a lovely reception for 70 people on the grounds of an historic park with a mid 1800's chapel. It suited us (as in it was vintage and so were we, LOL). I had a gown for the ceremony, and a shorter dress for the reception.

You don't have to go big or small.......do what feels right.

Congrats on finding the right guy!

karladcook

My FI and I are both 44 and this will be a second wedding for both of us...

I am not expecting a shower from anyone...

We will have 70ish guests and a fun reception with drinking and dancing...I want a celebration...plus we have a lot of family coming from out of town.  

I have a dress with a train and a veil...

Do what will make you happy...if that is a small or if it is a big celebration, do it.  It is your day regardless!

ski2play

Welcome to the boards and congradulations on your engagement.  Have the ceremony and the reception that you want to have.  I am 46 (second wedding for me) and my FI is 53 (first wedding for him).  We are having our wedding at a historic castle with 100 guests.  Do what you like, like what you do!

right1thistime

adeedrory - I am sure that a woman who lists her location as indiana wants an LA venue. - reported.

Big celebration ?  Go for it!

Showers? Why not?  Haven't you been to more showers than you can count?  Not that this is tit for tat, but rather, haven't you enjoyed celebrating someone's joy while indulging them a bit?  Why don't you deserve that? 

Registries?  ABSOLUTELY.  You are more difficult to buy for than a couple of 20 somethings just starting out.  You don't need 12 china place settings.  You probably already have 16.  Think about what you and your Fi would enjoy & not necessarily buy for yourself.  Hobby or sports gear, restaurant gift cards, movie nights out, expand your wine cellar, or your liqueur assortment, bedding that is yours as a couple -the whole shebang, items for your gourmet kitchen, a couples cooking lesson or two, a couples massage or spa session, you think of it, you can register for it. 

Registry Info in the invitations?  Wedding invitations = NO, shower invitation are OK. Word of mouth is even better. 

maglinpa

I am 45 and just had my first wedding, DH is 46 and it was his second.  WE had about 100 guests at our weddding/reception, I had the formal dress with veil, and had my Dad in his dress blues as I had envisioned since I even thought about getting married as well as my DH and a few of his groomsmen in their dress blues.  We registered for gifts--mostly replacing those things that were hand-me-downs from my parents and a few items that wanted (i.e. a new smoker, juicer, and new bed linens).  We also had bachelor and bachelorette parties.  His was a day of fishing with his Dad and buddies and mine was a girls night in with karoke, hot tubing, and hanging out.  We had our day and it was all that we wanted and more--ceremony, dinner, drinking, and dancing.  Friends and family are still commenting on what a pretty wedding it was and what a great time they had.

So, as PP have said--have what you want and don't worry about whether it is proper for your age.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate your union with the man you love with friends and family.

KelleyKelz

You ladies are awesome, thanks.  I appreciate all of the feedback.

mejai1

Ok... my feedback is late, but I'm 44 (my second marriage), FI is 47 (his first). We are having the full wedding with about 150 people, wedding party of 4 on each side. If someone wants to throw a shower, I'm there. We are going to register because like one PP said, we're harder to buy for than others.

We have few moments of this magnitude to celebrate. Do it the way you want and don't apologize!!! 

RKwedding2011

  I say go for it and have your dream wedding,  Accept a bridal shower.  They are fun and you deserve it!  I am 43.  Last August I got married.  It was the 2nd marriage for both of us.  I wanted to elope, but my husband wanted a real wedding.  We had an 80 person wedding and reception.  I had a bridal shower.  I had a bachelorete party and my husband had a bachelor party.  It was fun!  Go for it and do everything. There is nothing wrong with being 40 something and having your dream wedding.

Katie

ktwed1

I'm 43 and this will be both of our 2nd marriage. I didn't have a wedding the 1st time around and I'm definately going to have one this time around,dress with a train and all. I don't plan on a shower as most of my family and closest friends are out of state. I don't find any reason for you not have a shower if one is offered. It will be fun. I don't think age matters you should do what you would like to for your wedding. We're going to set up a website for information on the wedding including registry to let guests know. For us this is easiest as most guests are out of state.

MobKaz

Pardon the intrusion.  I usually only post on a few boards.  I became a MOB last summer and am a MOG this summer.  I just thought I would offer a different perspective.

My youngest sibling married at the age of 38.  As a family, we couldn't have been any happier for him and his bride to be than if they were 20-something.  We couldn't wait to host showers or toast them at their reception. 

Their shower was a little different, to be sure, but in a good way!  Because they both had established households, it allowed us all to "think out of the box" and get them more untraditional, perhaps even slightly frivolous gifts.  It also allowed them an opportunity to "upgrade" items, or replace the "his" or "hers" items with items for "them".

A wedding is a joyous occasion and should be celebrated! 

pennylg

We're getting married the day before my 45th birthday, it's my second wedding and his first. We're doing the whole thing, white dress, chapel, etc. I'm finding it so much more fun planning our special day!

My daughter is my MOH, she's away at college and won't be home to host a shower or a girl's night out. Instead of a shower, we decided to have a girl's night out at a local pottery studio.

As far as wedding gifts, we don't need a lot so we created a website and shared some less traditional gift ideas (gas and restaurant gift cards with some suggestions of where we like to eat out). We also registered at a few places for some more traditional gifts (new towels, etc) and plan to do a "get together gift" where those who want to can chip in towards a larger item that we really do need (for us it's a snow blower). 

It's your special day, make it memorable for you and your guests in whatever ways you want.

cshuler

Congratulations. I agree with everyone. I will be 45 when I marry for the first time. Make your wedding about you and your FI. Everyone else will come along for the party because they love you both.

73jewels

Kelly - I too am 38 and getting married (later this month!) for the first (and last) time.  I am having a relatively traditional wedding - white dress, sit down saturday night, etc.  I don't think there's anything wrong with doing it as a "older bride", and actually I am embracing the fact that at 38 I hopefully know what I want/like better than I would have at 25, so I think I am less likely to regret it in 20-30 years!

I Was unsure about a shower too, but my friends (and mother who has OFTEN pointed out that she waiting a long time for this!) really wanted to, so I only insisted that it was small, and it wound up being perfect, just very close friends and family members for a sunday brunch.  It was really a nice day.

So I say enjoy, and do whatever feels right to you, but don't feel you need to give anything up due to your age.

FYI, I didn't really know about this board and wish I had found this earlier in the planning process!!!

jennywitkop

I will be 52 and this is mine and my fiance's first wedding.  We are going all out and our family and friends are 100% supportive.  It is a formal wedding and I have said "gowns if desired" to support me as the bride.

mnmsnjas

In reading all the posts, I feel the same way!
We are on wedding #2 for both and both have older kids.
I am doing what I want. I am not having a shower but we are having a girls night.
My mom, a few family members and all my female friends will be having a pamper night. Movies, wine, pedicures, manicures, games, door prizes. Also having pampered chef, candles and michi representatives(they are all friends who sell so it was easy to plan it) But my mom called me a few minutes ago and said why don't we make that your shower, make everything with wedding motif

It makes it fun for everyone and takes the attention off of me! I don't like to be the center.... just a night to celebrate and have fun with the girls!

I am doing some things low key and somethings very traditional! I am still having my dad walk me down the aisle, my son is 20 who would do it, but I want my dad too.
Still doing the traditional dances, whoch I did not do at my last wedding, we did the first dance and couple dance. But I didn't do the father/daughter dance which I have regreted. I don't like being the center hence why I left that out. This year will be so different and have different meaning as my dad has survived cancer and we have had an awful 11 months. DOnt take anything for granted! Do want you want! Don't worry about anyone else!!!!!! It is YOUR day!!!!

My mom is very traditional and doesn't feel I should be doing everything but after I explained to her what I just did to you all, She gets it!

Good luck to you!!! sorry for my long post lol

daisymom0317

I'm a little late in posting, but I just found this website today, and I LOVE it! I, like many of you am marrying for the first time later in life. I will be 40 on my wedding day. My fiance will be 44 and this will be his second marriage. I'm having everything I've dreamed of: the white dress with the train, veil, wedding in a church, and will have my dad walk me down the aisle. My wedding is not until November, 2012, and I've already registered at 3 different places! LOL...I have waited for this day ever since I was a little girl. My parents are paying for everything, and I'm very lucky to not have this burden on myself.
Enjoy yourself! I sure will!

desertmomnm

We were 47 and 49 when we got married and for the first time for both of us.  We had a wedding for about 100.  We did have a shower although it was very small because it was just people who were invited to the wedding and that wasn't many locals.  I did register, but I also dislike putting that info in the invitation.  My rationale for gifts/registry/shower was that having been on our own for so long, our stuff was old and I felt we deserved to get gifts for our wedding too, especially because we had waited so long.  You'll decide.  Congratulations.

oldbride56

I thought I had already posted something on this thread -- lol - talk about older age!!!

My fiance and I are getting married in 6 days!!  He went to the JOP for his first marriage and I had the whole traditional thing when I was 27.  Let me tell you ... I have the same excitement and wanting all the bells and whistles that I did then, but now, I'm 55!

We decided to make our wedding small (40 people) but very traditional.  We are getting  married in the garden of a local museum (if it doesn't rain), then having a regular reception -- planning for it to be a big party!  When I went looking for a dress, I was trying to avoid an "actual" wedding dress, but when I saw my dress (halter, ballgown, long train), I had my "moment" with tears and knew it was the one I had to wear.  The guys are wearing suits, not tuxes.

I make no excuses or apologies for wanting a "real" wedding.  No matter what the age, our hearts are young, our eyes are shining and we're in love.  Why shouldn't we have the same thing the younger brides get?  Congratulations to us all -- let the party begin!!

ladydaisy

It made me so happy to read these responses. Our wedding is in October.  I am 43 and he is 55, both have been previously married. Our plans have grown to more than I ever expected.  I guess I realized over time that I really want a nice celebration and I am trying to set aside that feeling that we are too old or shouldnt do it for some reason. You guys are making me feel like its ok!