Advice for an awkward situation?

olivehim

I work in an office of about 15 women.  Another one of the ladies is getting married next month.  I always figured I wouldn't be invited because she always mentioned that she's having a very small wedding.  We all went to lunch today and they were talking about her shower.  I was like "Oh, when is it?"  So another co-worker said "No problem, I'll forward the Evite on to you."  Then the awkwardness ensued.  She approached me later to explain that she couldn't invite everyone from the office in order to keep the size down.  It sounds like just I and one other girl (maybe one other) are not invited to the wedding and thus not the shower either.  I know I should be a big girl and deal with it but a part of me is hurt.  I haven't worked with her as long as some of the other girls, but I really like this person and wanted to be able to celebrate with her.  Another part of me wants to be resentful (which is normal, I guess) but that's not really in my nature.  She explained that for etiquette reasons, she didn't feel she could invite me to the shower if I wasn't invited to the wedding but I could come if I want to (gee, thanks).  I'm not inviting anyone from the office to our wedding because I figured if I can't invite all of them then I shouldn't go and pick and choose a few and end up hurting other's feelings.  That's just me.  Others in the office brought it up to me later and agreed that it was strange that I'm not invited. How would you handle this if you were me? Would you have done what she did - invite some and not others? I'm just kind of feeling sick to my stomach.  These are the types of things that are difficult to forget and we work in such close proximity.  I'm trying my best to brush it off but I still feel icky about it. Thanks for your help!

tpender13

In that situation, I wouldn't invite some coworkers and not others. But I would try to shrug it off, as not easy as it may be. You may not have THIS problem with your guest list since you invited nobody from work, but I'll bet there will be guest list issues somewhere else that you'll have to deal with in planning your wedding.

Sucky times.

honeybear25

Yeah I could see where you were hurt because it should really be an all or none situation.  I would try to focus on the fact that you had already assumed you weren't invited.  You weren't upset by it then and so focusing on how it didn't matter then may help.  It does suck that some were and some weren't but guestlist issues suck for all involved.  I have had just about every rsvp add someone on because "they didn't recieve their invite yet"........... but they obviously didn't even consider that maybe x person didn't make the list.  Which makes me feel like I underevaluated their status and should they have made the list?  So in all reality she probably feels worse.  I would try to talk to her and express that you were a bit taken back but no biggie because you know what it's like planning a wedding and then move forward. And who knows maybe she'll find some wiggle room.  

graysquirrel

I'm sorry that happened to you. It sounds like it would make a good episode of The Office (maybe there was one, I dunno). But you were right in thinking that it should be an all or nothing type of deal. If it were me I would not go to the shower or get her any gifts. Or you could go and make her feel even worse JK. 

Steph0871

Women suck.    I'm sorry you feel bad, but honestly?  She's not required to invite everyone, I don't think... Although, it was extremely rude of them to talk about the shower in front of you if you weren't invited.

Do you hang out with her outside of work? Have you ever been to her house or vice versa?  Have you met her Fiance? Has she met yours? 

Those were the questions I used when I figured out who to invite to the wedding from work.  It's not the same situation, though, because I work in a department of 300+ at the U, but my office is about 40 people.  

I actually just asked a similar question a few days ago: http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wr-inviting-coworkers

olivehim

"Do you hang out with her outside of work? Have you ever been to her house or vice versa?  Have you met her Fiance? Has she met yours?"

No, we don't hang out outside of work, but I know she doesn't hang out with most of the others either.  She has met my fiance and I know hers because he works near our office and visits frequently.  We've been to other office weddings together and always have so much fun (or so I thought).  I absolutely realize she doesn't have to invite me - maybe she hates me, I've considered that - though I honestly can't think why that would be.  I get that she's not supposed to talk about the wedding if she's not inviting everyone and she's been pretty good about it.  I just feel crappy because all of my other coworkers whom I adore will get to have great times together and will undoubtedly be talking about it for days on end afterward.  Boo hoo - I'm just feeling sorry for myself   Consider this though, if you may be inviting some from the office and not others.  We who are left behind can feel very hurt and left out - especially sensitive women like myself.  But that is my problem, I know.  I need to grow a backbone already!!  Thanks for listening and giving advice - it's like therapy only cheaper!

wittyschaffy

I think that you need to smile and move on.  She doesn't have to invite everyone in the office.  I agree that it stinks that your co-workers slipped up and put you in the akwardness - but that is their slip up.  Not hers.  For what its worth, it sounds like she really did the right thing.  She knew you weren't going to be on the invite list and she didn't want you to feel obligated to come to a shower for her either.  I can see how that might feel icky to you, but IMO she didn't do anything wrong.  Kill everyone with kindness, make sure you are able to keep your hurt feelings at home and not in the office, and keep truckin' on.

When I was doing my guest list, I invited just a handful of people to my wedding that I worked with but I also told them specifically that I wasn't able to include everyone from the office for various reasons so I would appreciate it if they could sorta keep things on the down low lest anyone get ruffled feathers.  Basically it was the 2 people whom I worked directly for and one other person I was very close to.  I saw absolutely ZERO reason why I had to invite everyone else. 

Steph0871

Yeah. It really does suck that it's most of the group.  I think you're allowed to feel sorry for yourself, as long as you don't make a big deal out of it or confront her.  Think of it this way, too... she probably made up her guest list a year ago.  If you weren't very close at that point, that's probably why you weren't on the list? 

I explained it more in my other post... but basically, I work with people who are all 40+, so I'm not really 'close' to many of my coworkers.  I'm basically inviting one team within the office.  If it causes drama, I really don't care, because I can't stand most of my coworkers anyway

shan87

IMO its an all or nothing. But like Steph Said it depends on your department. I am inviting all of my coworkers from my previous job that were in my department. (9 total and their Guests) whereas the entire building would have been hundreds. I am not inviting anyone from my current job because I haven't been working here long enough to really grow close with anyone.

However, I dont think its fair to invite guests and then tell them oh btw don't tell anyone. Thats tacky and I don't think there should be stipulations with invites. Similar to Brides trying to tell Guests who there Plus 1. If you gave them a plus one (if they don't have a SO that you invited as well) then their Plus one can be anyone they want from their mother to girlfriend to grandma or w/e.

I wouldn't bring any Office drama to this situation though. Just know that what she did was not right and there is nothing you can do about. Just be more mindful of that when you are planning your wedding.

I Want Cake

I'm going to invite a few people from the office with their spouses, but like Steph, I work in a gigantic office and am not close to everyone.  I'm only inviting one of my coworkers because he's playing the processional at the ceremony, since I don't know anyone else I trust to get the song right, then a few of my other coworkers I talk wedding stuff with.  There are bound to be hard feelings, but I'll just deal with it.  FI's going to have a similar problem, since he's only inviting a few people and he works in a pretty small office.

Sorry, Olivehim, I don't have any advice, but I feel you.

MesmrEwe

Consider yourself blessed to not be invited and that you can find a lot more to do with the $200 and the weekend you would have spent to be a guest (gift, dry cleaning, outfit, travel, inviting her to your wedding, work you need to do to get ready for your own wedding, etc.)..  I've been where you're at and it's SO ackward, OTOH, would you rather be at a wedding of someone who TRULY wanted you there or someone who sent you a token invite just because you happen to work together and you'll know no one else there except your co-irkers... 

Hard as it may be, go ahead and let this one go...  Also use it as a reference point for the future when you hear "can I invite this person from this group but not another"...  as "totally rude/tacky/etc. - "everyone treated equal" is a good rule of thumb"

olivehim

Thanks again everyone!  I just needed the weekend to hash it all out in my brain and reflect on the great advice all you girls gave.  The reality is I can't change the fact that I wasn't invited but I do have the power to change how I feel about it and how it will affect my attitude going forward.  I am happy for her and her wonderful FI, they really are great people.  I will be a bit disappointed to not be a part of what's bound to be a beautiful and fun day but I've accepted her decision and will happily move on!