Guest list issue
My fiance and I are paying for our own wedding. I've always wanted a smaller wedding, but he wants a big wedding. He worked at a bar for 15 years and has had the same group of friends outside of there for 20+ years. Right now our guest list is at 350 (all his friends and my big family) which I am not cool with. I've tried reasoning with him but he pleads with me every time that I can have whatever I want when it comes to the wedding as long as I let him invite whoever he wants. Most of the people, whatever, I'll get over it, but there's about 30 people on that list I've either never met, and he only wants to invite them because they were bar patrons of his 5-10 years ago, and there's a big chunk of his ex's family on the list. She's a horrible person (obviously not invited) but he's known her family all his life and wants to invite a bunch of them (who dont even like me). So how do I get him to see that those 30 people shouldn't be on there? I mean, I'm still close with family members of my ex's, but I'm not inviting any of them. Am I being unreasonable? Not to mention, cutting 30 people would ovbiously be cheaper for us in the long run.
Re: Guest list issue
As for his friends, I would just let it go. They may not even come anyway. And honestly, 30 people out of 350 is not that big of a percentage.
We chose to keep our guest list for our destination wedding short. We capped it at 60. After immediate family was invited, whatever was left was divided by 2 and that's how many "extras" we each got to invite. The only stipulations were no ex's, nobody who didn't like one or the other of us, and nobody (ie my sister) who is a raging alcoholic and would ruin the entire day with her drunk rants and the nasty attitude she gets when she's drunk. Yes. I am excluding my own sister, but that is due to her being unable to control herself.
The fact that your FI is not taking your feelings into consideration definitely warrants a nice, long chat. He should not be forcing you to have a huge wedding if you don't want one just so he can invite his ex's family and people he hasn't seen in 10 years. I say set a cap of whatever you're comfortable with and divide up the # of "extras" after you've put your immediate families on the list. And yes, I would make him choose between the ex's family and me..... but I'm kind of stubborn about that sort of thing.
58 invited
20 can't make it
RSVP Deadline: March 8th
Tough situation! I agree with you and PPs! I would not want either of our exs family at our wedding. There are people on FIs side that I do not know, but not too many. Our list is at 150, and that is basically close friends and family We are also paying for our wedding and are very budget conscious. We can comfortable afford between 130-140 and our mininum is 125. We might still take people off the list but don't want to not reach our 125.
I agree with Chigirl the 30 friends may not even come! If you are worried about budget to talk him down on the guest list show him the numbers. I feel like seeing it on paper (since you are paying for it yourself) puts it all in perspective. Another thing to run by him... those 30 people... are they people you hang out with often? were you invited to their weddings??
Hope it works out!
RSVP Deadline: March 8
I have a large family, I am inviting all of them. While FI has met most, there are some he hasn't met (that I barely even know), and he is okay with it. Why? Because it is what I want.
As for the ex's family that he wants to invite; I can see both sides. I also think it depends on the situation. One of my best friends, a BM in our wedding, dated FI. Her FI is also standing up. If your FI is close with that family, I don't see the problem with them being invited. Now if they are blatently rude to you and unsupportive of your relationship that is another story and I would hope your FI would cut ties.
Another couple we plan on inviting, I used to be good friends with the guy but his wife is the biggest B!tch I have ever met in my entire life. She obviously doesn't like me but we are inviting them anyways, because he is still our friend.
If the budget is an issue, sit down with your FI and come up with a maximum number together. Let him know you just aren't paying for your guests meals and drinks. They will need invitiations, stamps for RSVP's, chair covers, favors, place cards, etc and it all adds up. I am not saying target those specific people but just in general. Because, again, I don't think it is fair for one person to control who can/cannot be invited.
[QUOTE] Because, again, I don't think it is fair for one person to control who can/cannot be invited.
Posted by vk2204[/QUOTE]
But isn't that what HE is trying to do by forcing her to have this huge wedding just so he can invite everyone and their mother? Isn't he basically bribing her by saying she can do whatever she wants as long as these people are left on the guest list, knowing full well that having them there will be uncomfortable for his future wife?
I think this is where compromise has to come in. I don't think either person should get their way 100% - you're going to have to meet in the middle somewhere and each of you are going to have to do a little give and take. Yes, it will be a difficult discussion, but there will be MANY difficult discussions down the road so you may as well start practicing. If you can't compromise on something as trivial as the guest list for your wedding, how can you expect to be able to compromise on bigger things down the road like a house, children, relocations, etc? The "I'll buy you whatever you want as long as you do it MY way" thing isn't going to work when it comes to major, life-altering decisions.
58 invited
20 can't make it
RSVP Deadline: March 8th
Also, I think bribing is completely not the case here. I think what he is doing IS compromising. He is saying 'hey I get to invite these people and you can use your idea for whatever else'. If that is all he is asking out of her then why not give it to him?
If my FI told me I wasn't allowed to invite people he hadn't met before I would probably laugh in his face.
With that being said, we are kind of in a similar situation. Our guest list currently has about 275 people, which may or may not change. Out of that number my FI maybe has 50 total, and that is being generous. We have a budget, and the majority of it is going to be for our reception hall to feed our guests. I can invite all of my guests but I have to be cautious with the other spending to stay in our budget.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2013-weddings_guest-list-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:820178d7-4f43-4671-bcab-c5c2c01eef1eDiscussion:aad218cf-6c5a-40c8-b632-be40efd0a99fPost:b053e36a-d2d5-4809-b332-081b72f9107d">Guest list issue</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are paying for our own wedding. I've always wanted a smaller wedding, but he wants a big wedding. He worked at a bar for 15 years and has had the same group of friends outside of there for 20+ years. Right now our guest list is at 350 (all his friends and my big family) which I am not cool with. I've tried reasoning with him but he pleads with me every time that I can have whatever I want when it comes to the wedding as long as I let him invite whoever he wants. Most of the people, whatever, I'll get over it, but there's about 30 people on that list I've either never met, and he only wants to invite them because they were bar patrons of his 5-10 years ago, and there's a big chunk of his ex's family on the list. She's a horrible person (obviously not invited) but he's known her family all his life and wants to invite a bunch of them (who dont even like me). So how do I get him to see that those 30 people shouldn't be on there? I mean, I'm still close with family members of my ex's, but I'm not inviting any of them. Am I being unreasonable? Not to mention, cutting 30 people would ovbiously be cheaper for us in the long run.
Posted by shanding4787[/QUOTE]
April 2013 September Siggy Challenge
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