who's wedding is it anyway?

MrsGilliatt

So I'm looking for opinions - personal experiences etc here....

my fiance has twin sisters - and I truly do adore them both - they are actually bridesmaids and all.  Here is my issue...every time I turn around, each one of them indicates they've invited their friends to my bach party - and even worse - my wedding.

for instance - "hey I invited *name removed* to your bachelorette party - she's stoked!"
"Hey I told *names removed* they could all come to your reception towards the end of dinner"


Now repeat this sentiment about 3 times a week and we're getting closer to how often, and with how many different names, I have heard these statements. 

Now - here is some more insight.  My bachelorette party isn't a balls out head to every weenie dangling bar north of toledo kind of shindig - it's a sit down dinner that my MOH is paying for - with an invited guest list - with RSVP's required (not just regrets only even).  If we hit the bars after (which we plan to) I still don't feel the need to host strangers with my crew - I understand we'll be attending public places - but I don't understand the mentality of these girls thinking they should invite their friends out for my party.  I mean - they have each other - they have a boat load of other girls their age in my group of friends/family - (age diff = them26 me29) and they go to the bars like 8 days a week - can't they devote one night to their future sister in law without a drunken entourage??

On top of this - my wedding is at the Colony Club - we are paying triple digits per head - and the colony club has made it abundantly clear that inviting guests after dinner is not only not allowed - it's tackier than a glue stick.  I agree.  I would never say "ooh join us after dinner" without the understanding that they were invited to the entire day and were paid for as an attending guest. 

On TOP OF THAT...one of the sisters is set to house sit for us while away on our honeymoon for 2 weeks following our wedding - we have dogs...she is now claiming that her friends are staying with her...here...at my home. 

I don't understand this kind of disrespect.  I didn't invite these people to my home, my wedding or any of the events leading up to it - MAINLY BECAUSE THEY ARE STRANGERS but also because this stuff isn't cheap.  I am entirely uncomfortable with strangers in my home (when massive fireworks were just made legal) while I'm out of the country.  I'm even more uncomfortable with strangers drinking at my reception on the most important day of my life.

HELP!!!!

I spoke briefly to my fiance about it and he seems to think none of this will actually happen - 'oh my sisters wouldn't invite someone to your party' but just watch.  After it happens it's too late to change - would I be a bridezilla for kicking strangers out of my wedding?  Does that turn my fmil and fsils off?  Do I care!?  HELLLLPPP!!!!!

mpickl

How old are these girls? Do they understand what a wedding is, how much time and money goes in to each and every guest? 

It sounds like the plot of a bad wedding movie! I think you need to figure out if they are actually inviting the people they said they did (and if said strangers would show up at a wedding without a proper invitation). If this is their idea of a joke, let them know you don't find it funny. If it isn't, explain to them that both the wedding and the bach. party are invite-only and you have the last say on who is invited -- because, as you said, you don't want to be surrounded by strangers!

As for the house sitting... That would freak me out as well. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all by telling her no guests in the house.

Wow... and please update us on what happens. This seems so bizarre! 

bee&bee

It's all about boundaries!!!.  Set boundaries for when the girl is house sitting.  It's your house, your rules. 

Same goes with the wedding stuff. Tell them that guests after dinner are not allowed, My mom started to do that to me too and I was like, no can do.   As far as the Bachlorette party, explain that only guests that recieve invitations are going to be there.  You want a small initmate dinner, not a huge crew of people.  I'm sure if you explain things they will understand (usually).   Stand your ground and don't back down. If you back down on one thing they will keep pushing the issue.

Good luck, I don't envy your position at all! 

vk2204

They are your FI's sisters, let him handle it. Regardless if he thinks it will happen or not, he needs to say something to them.

For your bachelorette party, if the twins friends want to go to the bar, then you can't really control that but you don't have to host anything for them.

For the wedding, make sure your FI tells them they cannot bring people in after dinner. I would tell them that if your venue finds out they will charge you something ridiculous.

And for the house sitting, I know for me personally, I would probably let the sister be allowed to have one friend stay with her; just so she isn't alone. But make it clear that you aren't comfortable with a bunch of people in your home.

Good luck!

KBLDC2012

If you are close with them then you need to tell them exactly what you just wrote in your post. The fact that your MOH is paying for dinner should be enough to explain or reexplain to them why they can't invite their own guests (plus I assume there will be a reservation with the number of seats done by the MOH). If they are super upset about it then just ask them to ask their friends to skip the dinner and keep that part intimate. When you are at the bar, you don't need to worry about the other people, just enjoy your friends.

for the recepetion- of course the venue is going to tell you it's not allowed bc they will lose money. I think it's not that uncommon that some people get invited like through friends to come to weddings after dinner (we had prob like 3-5people but we were asked about it ahead of time). I only think it's tacky if you or your FI are the one's saying, come but not until after dinner. However, I wouldn't want a lot of strangers showing up to my wedding. So again, you should have an open convo with the sisters about how you feel. maybe tell them they can only invite a couple, if it's a big deal use the excuse about the hall being strict.

Lastly, the house: I agree about strangers being there, but maybe she doesn't like to sleep at houses alone? does she live alone now? again maybe set some expectations with her about it.

JUST breath Most of the ladies on here know how it feels for family and friends to impose or do innappropriate things but take a step back and re-evaluate how bad everything really is and if it's worth having an arguement over? I am not saying that anything you mentioned isn't bad but I can tell you from experience, if you are friends with the sisters, don't go through your fiance bc he may not understand and end up making the situation worse on both sides.  
These things can be super frustrating things will get better and your wedding will be great!

MrsGilliatt

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_whos-wedding-is-it-anyway?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:88Discussion:07cab336-be64-4e91-b68f-eb1758e0f0bcPost:37cc0cff-d958-4754-985a-c35dc23674a8">Re: who's wedding is it anyway?</a>:
[QUOTE]How old are these girls? Do they understand what a wedding is, how much time and money goes in to each and every guest?  It sounds like the plot of a bad wedding movie! I think you need to figure out if they are actually inviting the people they said they did (and if said strangers would show up at a wedding without a proper invitation). If this is their idea of a joke, let them know you don't find it funny. If it isn't, explain to them that both the wedding and the bach. party are invite-only and you have the last say on who is invited -- because, as you said, you don't want to be surrounded by strangers! As for the house sitting... That would freak me out as well. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all by telling her no guests in the house. Wow... and please update us on what happens. This seems so bizarre! 
Posted by mpickl[/QUOTE]

They are going to be 26 - I am 29...

MrsGilliatt

I guess I'm not as upset about the idea of having all of their friends around - I'm more upset that they feel like they can tell me what is happening at my own wedding/parties.  I think that is probably more disrespectful than anything.

I missed a key part of this puzzle - anytime they mention they've invited someone to my wedding/party - they do it in front of other people - quite often the person they've invited whom I'm meeting for the first time...

Example:  My birthday was last week. We kept it low-key because my brother's wedding was the next day and everyone was very busy/focused on that out of town affair...so my fiance just took me for dinner and drinks at our local pub - his sister text me happy birthday and I mentioned where we were and she showed up with her friend - who I've never met.. Fine and dandy...it's a public place - but we were at a private dinner - at any rate - this is when she introduced me to her friend - and then mentioned "ooh I told her about your wedding, she's gonna come up after dinner - can't wait" and her friend is staring at me like "oooh yeah I'ma drink alllll your boooooze."  So effing disrespectful in my opinion.

That's only the beginning - but it was a good example of how uncomfortable they make me.  They walk all over me - and I'm not going to stand for it.

As for some of the other responses about the house - YES - I told her that her friend (whom I've known for a long time) would be welcome to sleep over if she felt uncomfortable there alone - but the fact is we have 3 dogs - 1 great dane, 1 pit/shepherd and one that is small, and she has stayed at our place when we're away for a weekend here or there - by herself without complaint.  My concern is that she is spreading the word about when we'll be gone - and I know the crowd she hangs out with - not your typical 25/26/27 year olds - or at least not what I was doing at that age.  She lives with her mom - and she doesn't have a car...leading to my next issue I am SURE (oh God that just hit me....I have to pack our car keys don't I?!)

kikirst33

YIKES....

26 is way to old for them to be behaving like this.  I understand that they may be excited but that does not exuse that type of behavior.

I think you need to tal again with your FI about this and perhaps sit down with FI and his sisters to let them know that this is your wedding and that they have made you uncomfortable by inviting strangers to your wedding.  If you want you could also share the cost issues (either tell them the exact $ or an idea of the $) so that they can understand this is not like inviting them out to hang at the bar.

Good luck!

Meegles4

1. They are being rude.

2. Just because they're being rude, doesn't mean you can kick them out of your WP. They're your FSILs. Kicking them out is going to cause more drama.

3. Your FI needs to have a serious talk with them and tell them to cut it out. Even if he thinks they're all talk. He should tell them to stop fooling around. If he's not OK with doing this, then you have bigger problems.

Side note: People who aren't invited to the wedding shouldn't be invited to the b-party. It's rude to only invite people to the dancing and not dinner. Use these lines with the FSILs. Over and over, as much is necessary for them to get it. Also, if you feel the need, tell them there will be security checking names at the door and their friends will be turned away.

MrsGilliatt

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_whos-wedding-is-it-anyway?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:88Discussion:07cab336-be64-4e91-b68f-eb1758e0f0bcPost:109518ab-255e-429a-a4ce-43237c929185">Re: who's wedding is it anyway?</a>:
[QUOTE]1. They are being rude. 2. Just because they're being rude, doesn't mean you can kick them out of your WP. They're your FSILs. Kicking them out is going to cause more drama. 3. Your FI needs to have a serious talk with them and tell them to cut it out. Even if he thinks they're all talk. He should tell them to stop fooling around. If he's not OK with doing this, then you have bigger problems. Side note: People who aren't invited to the wedding shouldn't be invited to the b-party. It's rude to only invite people to the dancing and not dinner. Use these lines with the FSILs. Over and over, as much is necessary for them to get it. Also, if you feel the need, tell them there will be security checking names at the door and their friends will be turned away.
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]




I should rephrase! I have never considered kicking anyone out of my wedding party...when I said "kick out of my wedding" I was referring to the act of possibly having to kick out uninvited strangers of my reception!

Fi is willing to talk to them, but as someone else mentioned above we have been close (me and the twins) for several years, and I just wonder if we should do it together so they understand we are in this together!!

Thanks for everyones continued wisdom...ill keep you all updated as this unfolds. 3 months to go so little time to waste!

PhoneCardLady

It sounds like you need a bouncer at the door with a list o invited guests - if they aren't on the list, ce la vie!

spartybride3

haha wow I am so sorry! I would definitely stick your fiance on this one. They have no right to invite their friends to your wedding. Regardless if your fiance thinks it won't actually happen, he should still have a conversation with them about their behavior. If after that you still think its a concern, you could always talk to the venue and see if they have a extra server type person/bouncer that could be at the door and checking off names. I went to a reception on one of the ovation yachts & they had "bouncers" with a guest list. I get that this is a little different, but still. 

What do his parents/mom think???? 

Sue-n-Kevin

You have your hands full.

- No one has the right to invite anyone to your wedding except you and your fiance. Period. You and your fiance should sit them down and explain that while you've all been close for many years, it is YOUR wedding, not their opportunity to invite all their partying friends to an elegant, very expensive venue. Period. This can be said kindly, with exclamation points if you have to. Some people mature late, and that appears to be the case here.

- The bachelorette party is for YOU, not them. While your MOH is planning this, I feel it would be appropriate for your fiance & you to include this in the discussion above. There are boundaries, as said above. Obviously this has not been expressed to them before, but someone has to start some day.

- As for the house sitting, if it is just due to the dogs, I'd consider placing the dogs in a local kennel. To be honest, if you've shut down their "Fun" at the wedding and bachelorette party, I'd be very concerned about what is going to happen to your house while you are away. If they party hardy nearly every night as you've indicated, you have no control over whom they bring to your house, and frankly, I'd think it wise and safer to kennel the dogs and if they have keys, take them away and only give them to them when you choose, and this is not the time to choose.

I won't go so far as to say it's time for you to be the parent they obviously missed when it came to setting boundaries, but that sounds like the situation. If you think there will be any blow-back from your future in-laws, maybe you and your fiance need to feel them out before these conversations. But I'd hope they support your decisions.

It doesn't sound like they are saying these things as a "joke" as your fiance suspects. They are saying them in front of the people they intend to invite........that creates expectations for all.

Good luck.

MrsGilliatt

You hit the nail on the head...parenting was at its low point for these 2. As far as the house sitting goes...our dogs have done very poorly in kennel situations unfortunately. One of them does well and the other shakes like a marraca, while the other eats its own mess....its so not worth the bill. At any rate, I've decided to tell the sister who is housesitting that I've asked my mom a retired cop with an axe to grind 90 of the time to feel free to pop in with wedding gifts as they are being delivered to her house as noted on our registries...I will mention she is fond of one of our dogs totally true and that she will be over often, so don't be wrried because at her age she keeps odd hours....this should help keep the riff raff out of my house, I think. I do have a call with the colony club on Monday to go over some 3 month items, and she heard me mention it, so I'm very calmly going to mention I asked about the after dinner peeps and they said no and that thy will check, so to untell/uninvite every person she thinks will come because there will be security now that I have mentioned it to the cc. This should help. We did say no guests at the bach party, and if their friends show up I will play the buzzed card and ask why they didn't want to party with just me...they have been walking all over me for years, time to have some fun if they mess with me that night I guess. I'm good at being a friendly buzzed person, I don't get mean, so I'm confident I will make myself clear without slipping into anger! All thoughts and sentiments are appreciated....you guys get me! Id say you're all welcome after dinner but....lmao