Sensitive Topic/ Question- LONG

clbartnicki

Last night I went over my MOH's house for a girls night. While there she told me that her and her DH started trying to get pregnant this month. Previously, she had always told me that was going to start sometime next summer (my wedding is in June). I was a little taken aback just because if she did get pregnant this month it would put her at 7 months pregnant for my June wedding. 

I am trying to not let this bother me at all, and to just be thrilled for her as I just want her to be happy, but this sudden change in plans worries me a littlle. My BM's dresses are from JCrew, all of the girls have already purchased them and they are no longer available. If she is 6-7 months pregnant at the time of my wedding there is no way she is going to fit into her dress...what am I going to do? I didn't let her know at all that I had any concerns. I just told her how happy I was for them because I truely am.

I talked to FI when I got home and  he is all upset because he thinks that it's selfish on her behalf since she committed to being my MOH. She won't fit into the dress, she won't be able to enjoy herself at my bachelorette party or wedding. And now it's just something else for me to worry about/ deal with.

Have any of you girls been in a situation like this? Do you think my concerns are valid? How would you handle the dress issue?

kmt_cas

hmmm....that's a really really interesting question.  On the one hand, she shouldn't have to alter her life to work around your wedding.  On the otherhand, you're absolutely right that she committed to be your MOH and it seems like the dress is going to make that near impossible.

Honestly, there really isn't anything you can say to her that would be appropriate, IMO.  She has already purchased the dress, so that's a done deal.  Maybe there is a similar style dress that could accommodate "the bump" that she could wear and still take part in all the festivities.  And don't stress about the bachelorette party!  She may not be able to drink with you, but she sure as hell can wear all sorts of penis props and laugh along with the rest of you.

She isn't pregnant yet, don't stress until she actually is pregnant.  If she does get pregnant, just be happy for her and try to accommodate.  Personally, I'd be a little ticked too, but when you think about it, it is her life and starting a family isn't something anyone else should have a say in.  I know that might not be ideal, but sometimes you have to work with what you got! 

FtMrskram

I think you should just be happy for her.  Our wedding days are the most important days in OUR lives, but it is not for everybody else.  Most likely if she starts trying now, it will take some time so there may not be any issue of fitting into her dress.  If she can not fit into her dress and you really want her in your wedding, you will make things work.  She can wear a different dress since she is the MOH and she will not look out of place.

As far as enjoying herself...you don't have to be drinking to enjoy yourself.  She may be over joyed at the fact she is carrying her child and this you should be happy for her!!!  I don't think is should be your concern to worry about her having fun...

She commited to your wedding, but she is also commited to living her life with her husband and wants to move on to the next step.  You can't stop somebody from moving forward.  You just have to be happy for her.

clbartnicki

Thanks, KMT, I  definitely don't want to say anything to her. I'm going to just let things be until necessary. She told me that she *could* be pregnant already.

I was thinking that JCrew has one other dress that is a similar style in the same color- do you think that I should just take the intitative once she tells me she is pregnant to buy the dress in a much bigger size and keep it until she realizes she won't fit in the original?

clbartnicki

FTMrs, I am truely happy for her. Really, I am. I just don't think it would be something that I would do if I were a MOH- I would just wait a few more months. But that's just me.

clbartnicki

The more I think about it, the more I think the part that bothers me is that she was the one that really pushed for those specific dresses from JCrew. If she had thought about starting to try to get pregnant when we were dress shopping- I wish she would have told me that she wanted to hold off of buying the dress and/or going with another company that can be more accomomdating to a belly.

livandrich

I am sure this seems totally overwhelming and like it will change everything about your wedding right now, but trust me that on the day of your wedding, the dress your MOH is wearing will have not be important in any way.  This is a huge thing to wrap your mind around (the fact that your BFF may soon have a child and things will drastically change), but I want to be honest and say that I think you are getting un-necessarily stressed.  If her dress doesn't fit, it is not YOUR problem, and she seems like a responsible adult who will think of an alternative.  She probably pushed for these dresses at first because she truly wanted to wear them, and now life has changed things the way it always does.  I would not waste one more ounce of time or energy worrying about this.  If she is indeed pregnant at the time of your wedding, the two of you will find a gorgeous dress that complements everyone else, and being pregnant will not interfere with the amount of fun she has at the wedding.  Everything will work out as it should!

LyssaBella

Ok, I agree with both responses. IMO you seem to be more concerned about the dresses than anything. (at least that's how it sounds because you keep mentioning it) They are just dresses. If I were in your shoes, yes I would be a little miffed at first but I think I would get over it kinda fast. If she does become pregnant between now and your wedding day she can find a dress anywhere that would be accommodating to her growing "bump" Does it really have to be from J Crew? She is your MOH and it wouldn't matter if her dress was a little different from the rest of the bridal party. I think this issue is so hard to confront because there are so many conflicting emotions. You are happy for her that she "may" be pregnant and that they are trying. At the same time are you upset because you feel like she is stealing your thunder? Taking the focus off of your wedding day because now she will be more focused on her impending pregnancy?  I would suggest not saying anything to her now. Let this information process a little while longer and wait until there is a pregnancy to discuss it with her. Like a PP said...although our wedding day is one of THE most important days to us, it's not to other people.
GL

foolforfood

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-boston_sensitive-topic-question-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:89Discussion:e9feb2fb-a0ed-4956-abcb-500706b06532Post:c5148e78-e0b2-4bae-adfc-3eefa1fcfa14">Re: Sensitive Topic/ Question- LONG</a>:
[QUOTE]FTMrs, I am truely happy for her. Really, I am. I just don't think it would be something that I would do if I were a MOH- I would just wait a few more months. But that's just me.
Posted by clbartnicki[/QUOTE]

I think you are being pretty ridiculous here.  Here's why:

A)  she isn't even pregnant yet
B) you seem to think that a BM's only function/duty is to stand up at the altar as a dress model
C)  you think that everything (e.g. the birth of a human being!!) should be postponed for the sake of your perfect j.crew wedding

You are losing perspective - BIG TIIME

spuccio

Court, I really don't think you should be upset at all. Hop on over to any of the Nest or  Bump boards and you will see that it takes most couples a while to get pregnant (despite what all of our sex ed teachers in middle school told us!!). Of course, it could happen next month. In which case it would be a wonderful and exciting thing for your best friend and her family. She will still be a part of all of your activities, there for you on your big day. Do you honestly think that the dress situation hasn't crossed her mind? Chances are, she is going to deal with it if/when she gets pregnant. If you make it an issue, it will be an issue. Just be happy for her and figure out the dress thing when you need to. I am sure you will be able to find something lovely for her to wear.

lnarey

I agree with Spuccio and Leah... Right now I'm sure it seems like a disaster because there are a million things on your mind.  If/when it happens, the dress won't be that big of a deal.  You'll figure out an alternative. 

KBackus12

I told my mom how I said to my bridesmaids they weren't alowed to get pregnant. (I meant it completely as a joke, out of the 6 bms  only 1 is married and she's my best friend and I know she doesn't want to have kids anytime soon, the only other one in a longterm relationship is the fi LITTLE sister, NONE of want to have kids ANY time soon and when I said it they all laughed and said thank you) but my mom FREEKED out " you can't tell people when to have kids, blah blah blah your pregnant not getting your brain removed. I carried the christmas tree down the hill in labor with you"  Finally when I calmed her down enough for her to realize I was joking she still said you can do alot while pregnant and think of it this way you have an automatic DD. Long story short- if (any thats a big if) she does get pregnant, she'll be fine. Good seamstresses will beable to fix her dress. or she's the MOH let her wear a different one to stand out. Either way as long as she doesn't give birth in the middle of the dance floor, your wedding will be fine.

Ainslie325

I wouldn't have any concerns over one of my girls beginning her family, whether that announcement was a deviation from her original plan or not. I'd be happy for her, and would help find a new gown that could accommodate a baby bump. 

As far as the dress issue is concerned, it sounds like you are feeling a bit chagrined that you let someone else influence your choice so much when maybe you would have preferred another style for your group.  To me, that's a separate issue from her pregnancy. 

Shazzie116

I really don't think you should worry. As PP have said, she isn't even pregnant yet, and if she does conceive before the wedding, there are other dress options. Since she's MOH, she could easily wear a different dress in the same or a complementary color. And she will enjoy the festivities just as much as everyone else, sans alcohol. 

Also, you may not know if her doctor advised her to start trying earlier or if plans just changed for her and her DH. It is incredibly unlikely that she has any intention of stealing thunder or messing with your plans. Either way, it's their life and you can't be upset if it seems to disrupt your plans. Just be the great supportive friend that you are. If she gets pregnant, she'll need your support as much as you would like hers. 

eouellet

If I were your MOH, I'd be so upset to think that one of my best friends couldn't be totally and without-a-doubt happy for me if my husband and I were trying to start a family.  To let a silly dress take away from your excitement for your friend is kind of silly and immature, I'm sorry.  Plus, plenty of MOHs wear different dresses from the rest of the BMs anyway - when/if she does in fact get pregnant and she knows how far along she might be by the time of your wedding, you two can see what your options are - have the dress altered, by a new one in a similar color/style, etc.  Not a big deal AT ALL.

clbartnicki

Thank you ladies for all of your well thought out responses. If in fact she is pregnant, and doesn't fit into her dress, we'll just figure something else (new dress, different color, whatever). Never in any way did I want it to come off that I wasn't happy for her, it just came as a big surprise that their plans changed, etc. I was just wondering if anyone had been in a similar situation.

FFF, the fact that you think I only want my BF to stand up at the altar and model for my perfect JCrew wedding is the most crazy accusation I have ever heard of. You obviously don't know me at all. I know what MOH duties entail as I was her MOH at her wedding last year, but thanks for being so nice.

foolforfood

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-boston_sensitive-topic-question-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:89Discussion:e9feb2fb-a0ed-4956-abcb-500706b06532Post:e35e821f-c95e-4a84-8ff5-eaa0d26fc63e">Re: Sensitive Topic/ Question- LONG</a>:
[QUOTE]FFF, the fact that you think I only want my BF to stand up at the altar and model for my perfect JCrew wedding is the most crazy accusation I have ever heard of. You obviously don't know me at all. I know what MOH duties entail as I was her MOH at her wedding last year, but thanks for being so nice.
Posted by clbartnicki[/QUOTE]

You're right - I don't know you froma  hole in the wall.  Therefore, I can only respond based on what you have chosen to post here.  I double checked and confirmed that the only complaint you have expressed is a prego BM fitting into her dress.  You did NOT mention the fact that she may not be able to drink herself to oblivion at your Bparty, dance all night at yoru wedding, or help you with DIY projects, etc etc.  In the span of THREE posts, you ONLY mentioned the dress issue, so therefore I have no choice but to assume that fitting into a lovely j.crew dress is one of your top priorities for a BM. 

I understand this planning stage is difficult for many brides, but you came here asking for responses, so you got them.  You are not the first bride to have a possibly prego BM.  One of mine had to drop out b/c of a pregnancy and I accepted that and moved on w/out any harsh feelings.

BTW, you're very welcome. 

KBackus12

Leah6180-  Oh I've heard this story every year my entire life, and have never lived it down.  My sister was 2 and throwing a hissy fit, kicking & screaming while my parents were trying to cut down a xmas tree so my dad was trying to carry her and my mom had to carry the tree. Somehow I've always been blaimed for her being in labor and carrying the tree instead of my sister for not behaving! 

jenvalet

Honestly, who cares.  2 of my 3 bridesmaids ended up getting pregnant.  One of mine ended up getting panels sewn into her dress.  Not a big deal at all.   When the day comes, you won't be the least bit concerned about what dress she's wearing.   Be happy for your friend.

clbartnicki

Thanks, Leah! I appreciate it.
 
Whenever I read a post when someone is asking for advice, I give my opinion in a nice way. I never try to go out of my way to be mean to someone.

foolforfood

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-boston_sensitive-topic-question-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:89Discussion:e9feb2fb-a0ed-4956-abcb-500706b06532Post:7733cd71-4d8b-4f45-8710-f0c0f7cc1063">Re: Sensitive Topic/ Question- LONG</a>:
[QUOTE]Just for the record--I am totally over the whole sarcastic passive aggressive response.  I believe that if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it at all. Or say it nicer. Calling it "honesty" does not give you carte blanche to be nasty. This board is meant to be a resource, not a place to chastise people. Yes, she asked for advice, but that is not an excuse for posters attacking her. 
Posted by leah6180[/QUOTE]

Actually, I did not intend to be passive agresssive or sarcastic.  I think what I said was pretty direct and to the point.  I think you and the OP may take issue with me calling her "ridiculous".  If that word is too harsh, I take it back.  Instead, I will say that she is "losing perspective."  And if that's not good enough for you, then I will just reiterate what I said in Cliff Notes form:

MOH is not even pregnant yet; and there's more to being a BM than fitting into a dress.

ETA:  in fact, the OP was the first one to make an attempt at sarcasm when she thanked me for my help. 

Krystalynne21

Courtney...I understand why you are upset, and I can see your point of view. That being said, it isn't an issue that you can control.  You will be able to work around it, and like Spuccio said, it may take her a looooong time to get pregnant.  Your wedding party may not be exactly the way you envisioned it, but it will still be YOUR wedding and you will look beautiful regardless  

junelley

To be honest, I probably wouldn't be this concerned if my MoH might be pregnant on my wedding day.  I think that whlie the wedding is important day for the brides, they shouldn't expect other people to place your wedding above their own lives, whether they are commited to be a MoH or not.  (Their lives trump over this, imo.)  You can't control it, and no one should wait for your wedding to be over to get pregnant.  Life goes on for others while you plan your wedding.  I understand that it would cause inconvenience and ruin a little bit of the planning, but I think things can be worked out.  I'd be more concerned of whether MoH would be able to attend my wedding at all, than if she'd be able to fit into a dress.

Just relax and be happy for your MoH. I don't think you nor your FI should be upset at her.  Your wedding will be great  whether she's pregnant or not.  It is frustrating that the plan might not be going the way you expected, but don't worry until she's really pregnant, then you can find a solution to work it out.

eouellet

I have to agree with FFF - I haven't seen any nasty responses to or attacks on the OP.  I think every bride gets caught up with wedding planning at some point during the process and loses a bit of perspective, and all of the responses are just providing OP with that perspective (albeit some in a more direct manner than others.)

foolforfood

Good grief, I thought I was stuck in an alternate universe for a minute.  The OP thinks her MOH is"selfish" for letting a pregnancy interrupt the OP's wedding ....

.....and I'm the bad guy??  Joey Lawrence would "woah?!?!" this one to death....

Do you honestly think your 1 day affair should force your dear friend to postpone a major part of her life?  I respectfully disagree with that.

The OP and others can obviously disagree with my views, but don't call me out for being mean.  It's the pot calling the kettle black.  

jthennigar

CL - I honestly believe you are happy for your friend and "get" that she's not going to postpone her life for your wedding (even if she originally told you she wouldn't start trying till later).

Part of your original post was concern that your MOH will now no longer be able to enjoy herself at all the wedding events.  however, I think you should just remind yourself that just because she's pregnant and thus can't drink, she will STILL enjoy herself at your shower, bachelorette, and wedding because she is your friend and is happy for you.

Future Mrs. Pase

CLB- I also believe you are truly happy for your MOH and are just taken back by the situation.  Don't worry - your day will be perfect - even though your dress is discontinued I am sure your MOH will find a dress that complements your BMs if need be.  I was actually looking for a way to find my MOH a dress that is slightly different so that she stood out. 

Also, I am sure your MOH is totally aware that she may be pregnant for your wedding.  She must have her reasons for not wanting to wait.  And if she does get pregnant look at this as a blessing.  One of my BMs has struggled and needed medical help with getting pregnant - I told her that I don't care if she is 3 months or 8 months for my wedding and if she doesn't feel comfortable walking down the aisle or doing certain activities it was up to her but I wanted her in my wedding party and I would be honored if she could do it.  I also thought - if she is pregnant - how cool is that - that in your pictures you can tell her baby - "there's your mommy in my wedding and she's pregnant with you."  If she's your MOH chances are you will be close with her child and now that child is also a part of your special day!

EKobrenski

From reading the posts, I don't get the impression that OP meant to say that she was upset with her MOH for trying to get pregnant.  I think (and I may be wrong) that she meant that she was happy for her and had a few concerns about it.  Rather than discussing it with her MOH and seeming like she wasn't happy or making MOH feel bad, she came here to see how others had dealt with the situation.  There's plenty of times when I know it isn't "right" for me to worry or be upset with someone, but I am. 

jkepros

CL--I can understand your surprise at your MOH's change in plans, although I suspect you would be surprised by that news whether or not you were getting married next summer.  Your best friend deciding to have a baby is HUGE news! 

I think it's normal for people to react to big news by thinking about how it might impact themselves.  Obviously planning your wedding is a huge part of your life right now, and so it's not unusual that your mind skipped to her being your MOH and how her being pregnant might effect how your plans for YOU AND HER on your big day (and the other wedding related events you might have planned). 

I would guess that after a little bit of time you will get used to the idea of your MOH potentially being preggs, and possibly even having a little bump, and you probably won't even remember that you thought anything other than total joy for your friend and her family (I'm not saying you aren't super happy for them now, but you seem to ALSO have some other mixed emotions which is why you might be a little hurt or anxious about it).  In fact, you might even think of some cute creative ways to embrace her being preggs, and make it even more special (I'm picturing a cute bachlorette party t-shirt with an arrow to the tummy labeled "MOH in training" or other such silly thing).

In short, I think you will get over it and it won't cause any problems.

clbartnicki

Thanks, ladies! I appreciate your responses.
 
Ekobs, you were right on- I came here to ask for ppl's opinions because I would NEVER want to give off the vibe to my MOH that I wan't happy for her because I am.

I guess I was just nervous since JCrew dresses sell out of styles and colors (as mine did), and didn't know what we would do if she found out in May that she couldn't fit into the dress.

In hindsight I guess it's not as big of a deal as I originally thought- she can wear a different dress, it's not the end of the world, I just want her there to share the day with me as I did at her wedding last year.

I don't think that my wedding is the end all be all, nor do I think nor want it to be "JCrew perfect". Never did I say that I wanted her to wait until after my wedding to start trying, I was just surprised by her news and wanted to know what others that had been in this type of situation (having a pregnant BM) in regards to the dress.

foolforfood

CL - your post took me off guard, b/c you said that in a reversal of roles, you as the MOH would hold off on TTC until after your friend's wedding.  Your tone implied that your friend should do the same for you. 

And though I may have been more blunt than some, you should realize that the substance of my OP has been shared by most of the PPs.

Before you and Leah start screaming foul over TK meanies, you could just explain your point, as you started to do after the Leah post.  I think we all get it now, so thanks for clarifying your original points.  

BTW, what exactly did I say that warranted the meanie label?  I'm still confused.