Missing RSVP's = Stress

erinh21

This is my first time posting on The Knot, but I wanted to get a consensus from other brides as to how they did, or would, remedy this situation. We are one week away from our RSVP deadline, and have heard back from less than half of the wedding guest list. Friends have verbally mentioned that they would be in attendance, but have yet to RSVP officially. It's got me, the bride, really down and out and feeling unspecial. Why did we spend all this time and money planning if no one wants to come? Out of 200+ invited, we have 80 RSVPs. A majority of my family has totally flaked, and I just don't get it at all. I reached out to some people to confirm they they even got the invitation, since we live in Philadelphia and have the most unreliable post office service ever. Everyone said, yes, they did receive it. That's it! It makes me want to call the whole thing off. Has anyone else dealt with this or been through it and if so, how did you deal and fix it? I am afraid I am going to have to spend all next weekend hunting people down and getting answers, which is not fun at all. Thanks for your help, in advance, Knotties!

Stackeye210

It's really unfortunate that people don't RSVP promptly, but it happens.  It happens to a lot of brides......so don't get yourself down, or all worked up about it.  I'm sure it isn't personal against you. 

Have FI get a hold of his side of the family and you contact your side.  It will help take some of the stress away if you both work on it together.  Like pp's said though.  Wait until after the RSVP deadline has passed before you start tracking people down. 

Don't let the lack of received RSVP's put a dark spot on your day - just deal with it and move on.  It'll be great and all will be forgotten the day of your wedding

erinh21

Hi there - and thanks everyone for your thoughts! We have to make a partial payment based on headcount to the venue approx. one week after RSVPs are due. That's why I'm antsy to know who is coming - also because there are things we'd like to purchase, but need to know how many tables, people, etc. I am definitely going to wait to start stalking people until after the RSVP deadline has passed. This has me turning into a bridezilla! Rawr!

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_missing-rsvps-stress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:002c5742-217b-461a-96ea-360b6e14ca5ePost:e328e04f-9087-4a66-a0c6-d68ec039eb71">Re: Missing RSVP's = Stress</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi there - and thanks everyone for your thoughts! We have to make a partial payment based on headcount to the venue approx. one week after RSVPs are due. That's why I'm antsy to know who is coming - also because there are things we'd like to purchase, but need to know how many tables, people, etc. I am definitely going to wait to start stalking people until after the RSVP deadline has passed. This has me turning into a bridezilla! Rawr!
Posted by erinh21[/QUOTE]

It would have been less stressful on you now if you had added more cushion time into your RSVP due date but that can't be changed.  Generally 2 weeks is a good cushion.  You can certainly start making phone calls the day after that RSVP date passes.  You'll get it all done, you will.  Breathe.  =-)

LuluP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_missing-rsvps-stress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:002c5742-217b-461a-96ea-360b6e14ca5ePost:e38e76be-612b-4bad-a8a6-f12ca712e353">Re: Missing RSVP's = Stress</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Missing RSVP's = Stress : It would have been less stressful on you now if you had added more cushion time into your RSVP due date but that can't be changed.  Generally 2 weeks is a good cushion.  You can certainly start making phone calls the day after that RSVP date passes.  You'll get it all done, you will.  Breathe.  =-)
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

That works sometimes... but other times it just doesn't. My venue requires a headcount for more than 30 ppl 25 days before the event. Having the RSVP date more than a month before is a little much (implies B-list to many). So, I also only have 5 days. I know it's tight, but can't be helped!

[Deleted User]

Ditto all of the other good advice. Yes, it is definitely frustrating, but there is nothing you can do about it. There were some people we never heard from and I had a hard time tracking down. We had to give the final count 2 wks before and so we just scratched anyone we hadn't heard from or gotten ahold of. It sucks, but it is just life. We did notify our reception venue and a few extra plates were prepared in case a few people showed up out of the blue. This, fortunately, did not happen, but we were sort of prepared.

PharmacyBride

My sister and I invited the same number of people to our weddings.. but she had about 260 and I expect about 210.  I am not bummed in the least bit.. because now I get to spoil my guests even more.  With the money I am saving- I am adding late night buffet (sliders and stuff) for the last hour of the reception!

Don't take the declines personally.. people are busy and don't have extra $ to spend on attending a wedding.  It doesn't mean they don't care.. it just means life gets in the way.

Cheer up and congratulations!

Kristin789

Well, you’ve sent your invitations WAY too early, and your guests are waiting until the appropriate time to respond as they have done for years with other weddings.

It's pretentious for you to send your invitations several months in advance and demand an RSVP a MONTH before you should have sent out the invitations.  If your venue has suggested this timeline to you, they are clearly manipulating you.

The venue needs a "soft number" (how many have responded + how many more you really think will come) about two weeks prior to the event, and then a "hard number" (how many are really coming) one week in advance.

No venue needs any kind of RSVP number by October 1 for a wedding on December 4:

Your wedding is December 4.

So your invitations go in the mail on October 30 (six weeks before) -- not early August.

And your RSVP date is November 13 (three weeks before)

See below:Q.How far in advance should you send invitations? What is the proper date to ask for the reply card?
A. Invitations should go out six weeks before the wedding -- that gives guests plenty of time to clear their schedules for the day and make travel arrangements if they are out-of-towners. It also lets you make the RSVP date a little earlier -- say three weeks before the wedding date -- so you can get a final head count and start making a seating chart (if you'll have one) before the final-week-before-the-wedding crunch begins.

LuluP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_missing-rsvps-stress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:002c5742-217b-461a-96ea-360b6e14ca5ePost:877ede99-c1ab-455e-977e-8cf32420f9a1">Re: Missing RSVP's = Stress</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, you’ve sent your invitations WAY too early, and your guests are waiting until the appropriate time to respond as they have done for years with other weddings. It's pretentious for you to send your invitations several months in advance and demand an RSVP a MONTH before you should have sent out the invitations.  If your venue has suggested this timeline to you, they are clearly manipulating you. The venue needs a "soft number" (how many have responded + how many more you really think will come) about two weeks prior to the event, and then a "hard number" (how many are really coming) one week in advance. No venue needs any kind of RSVP number by October 1 for a wedding on December 4: Your wedding is December 4. So your invitations go in the mail on  October 30  (six weeks before) -- not early August. And your RSVP date is  November 13  (three weeks before) See below: Q. How far in advance should you send invitations? What is the proper date to ask for the reply card? A. Invitations should go out six weeks before the wedding -- that gives guests plenty of time to clear their schedules for the day and make travel arrangements if they are out-of-towners. It also lets you make the RSVP date a little earlier -- say three weeks before the wedding date -- so you can get a final head count and start making a seating chart (if you'll have one) before the final-week-before-the-wedding crunch begins.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Oh I missed the December thing. That is mega early for December. Our RSVP date is October 20th, and mine is November 20th. I still thought that was early, but the venue wants numbers (like, menu choices, not soft numbers) by the end of October due to the size of our party.

erinh21

Kristin789,
You, my dear girl, are the exact reason I didn't want to - ever - post on the Knot. I'm going to clue you in on something....it's 2010, not 1910. Weddings have evolved into an entirely different animal altogether and while some traditional etiquette rules have stuck around, they are generally merely suggestions as each wedding and each bride are dealing with a different set of circumstances. Please don't call me pretentious as I promise you I am nothing of the sort and in fact, find you to be pretentious and very demeaning given your online Knottie persona. Our wedding is December 4th, but our venue is non-traditional and military affiliated, thus, there are a stricter set of rules and regulations with regards to our event that I must adhere to. Since I don't owe the Etiquette Police an explanation as to why I did things the way I did, I'll draw the line there. I hope you get a clue, and I'm glad you aren't a guest at MY wedding. Judgemental jerks aren't allowed.

squirrly

erin, Kristen gets on my nerves too, but in this case, she's headed in the right direction regarding the timeline.  Military venue or no (and my H is Army, so I understand more than you might think), it's about what's feasible for your guests. 

What's generally recommended is for invites to go out 6 - 10 weeks before the wedding, with an RSVP date of no more than 4 weeks before the wedding.

In any case - on the second business day after the RSVP deadline, start making calls when you get home from work.  Leave a message any time you don't get an answer.  Divide the list up with your mom, your FI, and your FMIL, if possible, for some assistance.  Maybe even a BM or two can come over and assist, if you truly have lots of calls to make. 

In the interim, call your venue.  Find out if you can give them a + or - count:  150 confirmed, with another 30 yet to respond.  That way they know the floor and the max number of people they need to feed.  They might not agree to it, but it can't hurt to ask.  If they can accept that, it might buy you another week or so for the stragglers who don't answer their phone or don't yet know if they can take off of work.