My marriage is imploding (long)

pearLimejello

This is an AE, I am a semi-reg, but the topic that I am about to talk about is rather delicate. 

I've been married a little over a month, and yesterday I found bestiality on my H's computer. So I asked him about it, thinking that he got some weird popup, and he admitted he had been looking at it and was aroused by it ( It's dog sex, and he would look for for ones of women getting mounted, he said how the women lost control aroused him). 

All I can think about is that we have been together for 5 years, and he never told me about this before we got married, so now I'm trapped. I'm married, I want to stand by my vows, but there is literally no trust. On top of that, I have no where to turn for advice, because it's completely taboo to look at those kinds of things. And I worry that if we do separate that the failure of marriage is on me, because I don't want to work it out.

He went to confession yesterday and has a few therapists that we are going to attempt to get appointments with in the near future. He also thinks he might be addicted to porn in general, as he watches with no real desire to watch and out of boredom.  I just have no idea how I am going to get through the holidays. 

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Stackeye210

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.    It sounds like you are taking the right steps in hopefully finding a solution.  This situation is very fresh and I think it's good you aren't making any decisions one way or another.  Just look at your options, but let him take control of fixing this situation.  It's his mess and if he's willing to try to change, then I think you should be there to support him.  Of course in the future if he isn't changing, then I would think about yourself and what you want to do. 

To be honest, the beastiality part is pretty disgusting and I would probably think different of my husband for something like that.  The fact that he was completely honest with you when you asked him about it does sound like he doesn't want to be this way either. 

Give the situation some time and try to be there for your husband to talk to you about his feelings when it comes to this stuff.  Support his therapy. 

You are in no way the failure of the marriage if you can't stick by his side in the end, never forget that. 

Hugs to you.

arbolita

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I'm glad that your H isn't trying to defend or justify his actions, and he really does seem open to getting help and talking to someone about this. 

crfische

What a crappy situation to be in. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now.

I WILL tell you, that if finding this out is not a deal breaker for you, that he does sound like he's willing to work on it and with the right therapist, I believe it is something he can learn to control. It is a lifetime maintenance thing, though, ya know? Porn is an addiction like any other addiction. Some people would probably disagree with me on that, but that's my contention.

You need to take care of yourself, too. Go talk to a professional someone and try to figure out how you're feeling about all of this, too.

mkrupar

You're absolutely right Fische. Porn can be an addiction just like any other. It sounds like he's willing to get help. I'm sorry you had to find out the way you did, but he was honest and came clean. Take each day one at a time. Find a separate therapist for yourself as well. I can see this causing you some trust issues (I know I would have them). If in the end he ends up not changing or it turns out he's unwilling to change, and you decide to separate, know that the failure of the marriage is not on you. Especially if you tried to work this out.

::Hugs:: and GL

waltzingmatilda13

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I agree and think it's a really good thing that your husband owned up to it right away, so he's not really trying to hide it anymore. I think that and the fact that he is willing to go to therapy are some good signs. But you do need to go too because this is as much your problem as his, if you're willing to stick by him and help him work through it.

I think trust is one of those things that needs to be earned, so you need to see if you're wiling to let him earn it back. I think you need to spend some time thinking about what you want and what you can forgive.

Good luck and I hope you know that no matter what happens a relationship is about 2 people and it takes both parties to make it work. If you find that this relationship doesn't work, it's not your fault.

baystateapple

I am so sorry.

None of this is your fault.  I think it's a good sign that your husband is seeking help, and you should look into counseling as well, both as a couple and for yourself, because I'm sure this is really hard on you and you need someone to talk to openly as well.

*HUGS* and best of luck to both of you.

FutureMrsTR

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know that had to be a terrible shock   I think it's a good sign that your H is open to getting help and I agree that you should look into a separate therapist for yourself so you can discuss the feelings you're having about this alone.

And if it turns out he isn't willing to or can't change, then know that ending the marriage wouldn't make you a failure or be your fault.

Stay strong and just take it one day at a time.

:::hugs:::

SarahPLiz

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I will just reiterate what PP's have said about you both getting counseling and that this is not your fault at all. This is a big thing, that I feel like should have come out before you were married. Its almost like you were the victim of a bait and switch scheme, and if you want to terminate the marriage based on that, it is certainly not your fault. 

tidetravel

I wouldn't automatically think "my marriage is over" with the discovery of this.  Yes, it's taboo and disgusting, but it's not like he's actively engaging in the activity.  Rape fantasies are common, but it doesn't mean that people that have them actually WANT to be raped, KWIM? 

How, exactly do you feel that your trust is betrayed?  Because he didn't tell you about it before you were married?  I wouldn't imagine that he would - it seems as though he knows it's wrong and he himself is ashamed.  I would venture to say that your marriage is very strong, if he admitted it to you when you asked and is willing to work through his issues.  Rather than think that you should run away, this is point when you need to stand by him and work through it together for the sake of your marriage.    

ETA:  I just realized that the last part sounded a little preachy.  That's not what I meant - only that I think that this is something that you can work through in your marriage, if you're willing to, and that if it is truly an addiction, your husband will need your support.

redheadfsu

At least he is willing to seek help. You really should see a counselor too. You need to be able to talk to someone.

The bestially part would really disturb me. Personally, I think I might just walk away. If your marriage doesn't work out it is not your fault.  I'm sure very few woman would look at their husband the same way if they found this out. GL

kikibaby

All of the advice given is great, so I have nothing to add on that front.  Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through that, though.  Good luck

emilyinchile

Yeah, I'm kind of with Tide. It's sick, and I'd definitely not be happy to find out about something like that, but I also hope that after a bit of time it will seem more like something gross he likes rather than something that totally changes who he is in your eyes. I would imagine that the shock may be the worst part, and if he says he's willing to stop this and get help, hopefully it won't continue to be a problem in your marriage and you'll both be able to move forward.

ichellemay1

I agree with Tide and pp.  IMO your marriage is not over - he's willing to work on it.  Take it one day at a time.  Now, if at some time in the future he is no longer willing and you do decide to end the marriage.  It will not be your fault.

pearLimejello

We are not thinking about divorce, we will go to counseling. The base issue is that he couldn't trust me enough to tell me when I still had options. I won't lie, I'm totally grossed out by what he was watching, but I also understand that it's a deviant behavior and not something he would act out. I also understand it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

I do really appreciate the support, and Tide it wasn't preachy, it's what you feel.

I don't know how I am going to get through Thanksgiving.

andy71781

I'm really glad that you turned here.  Your marriage is not over - this gross habit has nothing to do with you or your marriage really. For some really weird reason, people (guys mostly) like porn.  They are fascinated by it - especially by stuff that they don't see in real life.  But it doesn't have very much to do with their actual lives and the sexual relationships they maintain.

From a moral standpoint I think that what he is watching is disgusting and he should in fact stop.  But he is addicted?  Or does he just like it?  If he's not addicted I think all you need to focus on is telling him how horrible of a business he is supporting by looking at beastiality.

But what you need to realize that for guys its like watching a train accident.  They don't REALLY want this to happen to them or their wives - they are just turned on by a series of images.

This doesn't have very much to do with your marriage at all.  If you two have normal sexual relations - I don't see a problem with it.  The problem would be if he needed to do that to you or have it done in front of him.

Sorry this is rambling.  I hope that you can get through the holidays without imagining him looking at that stuff everytime you see him.  I can see how that woudl be really really hard to do.  Its going to be tough but I hope that you can get over the initial shock of seeing that and come to a realization that its not that bad.

emilyinchile

Drown your sorrows in gravy? Sorry, that's all I got.

I get what you mean about him telling you while you still had options though. In a couple fights we've had since being married, I've sometimes felt like "oh great, and THIS is what I'm stuck with for the rest of my life!" It's not that prior to marriage I didn't think we'd be together forever, but marriage adds an extra layer of importance and permanence, and it's a bit of a mental adjustment that way. I can only imagine that with something big that feeling would be even stronger. I'd probably just keep trying to remember that that feeling is a reaction to finding this out, not necessarily something that you're going to feel from here on out. And like I said, eat lots of gravy and mashed potatoes.

Y I Oughta

Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not trying to be mean. Why were you on his computer searching the depths of his activity. I would think if he knows it's wrong and didn't want you to find out about it he would have hidden it somewhere. Was it in his internet history? Is there maybe a trust issue on your part that you need to work out?

That being said, I think you are handling things appropriately and counseling is a good idea. The simple fact that he admitted it and didn't lie is a step in the right direction.

sarah0725

I think a lot of the previous advice people have given you has been good, but I just want to give you a slightly different perspective (one that I am slighlty uncomfortable about giving with my actual identity, but whatever).

FI likes a kind of porn that is completely benign because it involves consenting adults, but is definitely off the beaten path, and he would be really embarassed if people knew what it was. He's known about it since he was a kid, and he's been hiding it his whole life. A few years ago, before we got engaged, he told me about it one night (he was so upset when he was telling me that I thought he was going to tell me something MUCH worse, like he had killed somebody or been molested or something). I of course told him that it didn't matter, and that I loved him anyway, and it has made our relationship so much stronger in so many ways. This is one of the reasons that I feel pretty secure that he will never cheat on me or hurt me or leave me or any of those things.

This whole experience, though, has changed my mind about a lot of things, and we've talked about sexuality and our urges and turn-ons a lot since then. The main thing I've realized is that FI is wired a lot differently than I am, and I think men in general are. They're visual. Also, sexual attraction in men seems to be a lot more hard wired. I know from just thinking about myself (and I do a lot) that the things that turn me on are a lot more fluid, and are often much more based in the other four senses than in sight. But anyway.

I think what I'm saying is that I would approach your H from a place of compassion, rather than disgust or betrayal. He's probably been looking at these pictures and trying to hide it from people for years, at least since he was a teenager, and has probably been dreading the day when people would find out and hate him forever for it. He's probably been trying to hide it from you because he thought you would leave him. I do think that he should have told you and let you make that choice a long time ago, but it is what it is. You know now, and you need to decide what to do with that information. But I think for the most part, he's still the guy you married.

pearLimejello

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-imploding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0432beb4-b49a-4120-9c25-bbb14a0b6c60Post:efefe60e-9d40-43c1-a536-a6408d9915a7">Re: My marriage is imploding (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not trying to be mean. Why were you on his computer searching the depths of his activity. I would think if he knows it's wrong and didn't want you to find out about it he would have hidden it somewhere. Was it in his internet history? </strong>Is there maybe a trust issue on your part that you need to work out? That being said, I think you are handling things appropriately and counseling is a good idea. The simple fact that he admitted it and didn't lie is a step in the right direction.
Posted by Y I Oughta[/QUOTE]

You know how when you type stuff into the browser window it gives you a drop down with things that match the letters? For example, "the" normally will drop down theknot etc etc. I typed in tele and it was on the drop down. He was looking at it on Monday. It wasn't the first time. No, I didn't watch it myself.

FutureMrsTR

As far as getting through the holidays, I would compartmentalize as much as you can.  I'm pretty good at it, but I know some people aren't.  Of course, I'm not the most psychologically healthy person out there so maybe you shouldn't take my advice, but I'm really good at pretending something's not happening to the point where I almost start to believe it.  Again, maybe not a healthy coping mechanism, but for a long weekend?  Might be worth a shot.  Go through the motions, put a smile on your face for your family (or maybe there's someone you can confide in and relieve some of the pressure) and, again, take it one day at a time.

Y I Oughta

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-imploding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0432beb4-b49a-4120-9c25-bbb14a0b6c60Post:08c28570-0dc0-4d49-b0be-05a8a016457e">Re: My marriage is imploding (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My marriage is imploding (long) : You know how when you type stuff into the browser window it gives you a drop down with things that match the letters? For example, "the" normally will drop down theknot etc etc. I typed in tele and it was on the drop down. He was looking at it on Monday. It wasn't the first time. No, I didn't watch it myself.
Posted by pearLimejello[/QUOTE]

That makes sense. Honestly that's how Ifound Fi's porn on my own computer. I really hope the counseling works for you guys.

As for the Holidays, Nothing has changed. He is still the man you fell in love with and married. He may have looked at something you don't agree with (and he knows is wrong), but that doesn't change WHO he is. Try to put it out of your mind and enjoy your first real holiday as a married couple.

NuggetBrain

I am so sorry, for both of you.  The fact that he didn't try to make excuses and that he is willing to go to seek help bodes very well for your marriage.  I don't think I would look at it as a reason to lose trust in him, mainly because of the fact that what he's into is such a "deviant" behavior that I'm not surprised he tried to hide it from you.  Just keep supporting him. 

[Deleted User]

what kind of dog was it?

mica178

Gosh, I'm so sorry.  Ditto what everyone said.  At least he didn't deny the problem and is open to counseling.  Also, I'd consider therapy for you guys as a couple, or even individual therapy just for you.  Finding animal porn on your husband's computer is no small thing, and getting past it and back into a trusting relationship will take work.

srkropf

The fact that he didn't deny it and that he's open to therapy are GREAT signs. Be firm but supportive and I think you will both get through this.

[Deleted User]

I don't have much to add so I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree that it does sound like he's taking the right steps, so ultimately you have to decide if you can move past it and forgive. I don't know that I could look at H the same way if he was watching bestiality, but if you can work through it then all the power to you.

jemmini6

I'm sorry this is happening to you,  I can't imagine what that would be like to discover something like that, but I think you are handling it really well.

As long as he is open to counseling and working through his issues, your marriage is not over.  I think that since he was very open with you when you asked is a good sign that he will likely be committed to getting past this.

All I can really say is that I wish you the best of luck for you and your husband.  Please keep us informed and come back any time you need support.

SarahPLiz

Sarah#s makes a really good point. I know that some of the things that go on in my own head are really taboo, but that also means that I would never ever act on them. Ever. There are things that I find abhorring that can also turn me on. I know that's TMI, but its the honest truth. Everyone is wired differently, and as long as he stops advocating the abuse of animals and isn't abusing them himself, I think a fantasy can stay a fantasy. Of course this is going to take lots of dialogue and maybe some counseling to get through,  but I think you can make it. 

purplepeopleeater11

For getting through Thanksgiving, I would say take it one day at a time.  That's all you really can do.  He's still the man you fell in love with and married.  Maybe to get you through you can think of the reasons you love him and wanted to marry him in the first place.  Remind yourself of all the good things about him and maybe you'll be able to see past this issue for a few days.

squirrly

I don't really think this is something to assume will end your marriage, or that you can no longer trust your husband.  He admitted it when asked, isn't acting this stuff out, and is willing to go to counseling.  Yeah, it's a gross thing to be into, but it could be SO much worse.  And, that doesn't change any of the things about him that you love.

I'm guessing from your post that you're relatively conservative (would a habit of watching normal porn be ok?)  and very overwhelmed by the situation.  I understand that.  But remember that he's still the man you love, and still the man who loves you. 

As for the holidays, this particular issue doesn't need to even come to mind, much less dominate them.  Just relax and enjoy the holidays for what they are, and let this situation work itself out with time and counseling and the like. 

Best of luck!