My marriage is imploding (long)

becunning2

That must have been horrible and awful, and I'm so sorry.

It's good that he admitted it and is willing to see therapists and that you're willing to work with him.  I'm sure something like this causes you to see your husband entirely differently.

For some people, this would be a deal breaker.  Everyone has boundaries that can't be crossed while maintaining a relationship.  These boundaries are different for everyone.  If this is something you can get past, work on it.  If you know deep in your gut that it's not something you can get past, it's not your fault either.  The only response you could give someone who was being nosy is that, "The relationship crossed a boundary I couldn't accept, and I'd rather not talk about it." 

Marriage is a lot of work, and a lot of compromise and a lot of forgiveness.  But sometimes, there are just bottom lines that are uncrossable.  A bestiality fetish might be one of those things for some people, for others, it might be an affair with a family member.  It depends on the person.  You have to do what is right for YOU.

garcias1

At this point, it might be a really good time to try to focus on the positive, namely the positive aspects of his personality.  Obviously what you found is disturbing, but the way that he responded to the situation really points to a lot of really good personality traits that he has.  So focus on these personality traits: the fact that he is facing this problem head on and is willing to get help.  While some of his personality traits may be less than ideal, it seems like he makes up for it in all other areas.  As long as he is actively trying to resolve the situation, I would say stand by him (and get help for yourself).  From my perspective, his good qualities are outnumbering the bad right now.

pearLimejello

Thank you everyone. We have therapy planned for the next few weeks to work through some issues. You are right, only I can let this end my marriage. It's one of those things where you start to wonder what else he might be looking at in the meantime. And if he says no, do I believe that? I'm trying to change my plans so we don't have to go see his parents, four days of "where is our grandbaby " is more than I can handle. I will try to compartmentalize for that time if I need to.


Jill- Wow. And if you really want to know, I can give you the website.

Beachy730

I don't really have anything more to add that the others didn't already say.  But I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I wish you luck and the strength to deal with what you have ahead of you. 

As for visiting his parents, can you stay in a hotel so that you aren't surrounded by them the whole time?  Or is your H willing to not go there for Thanksgiving now? 

tpender13

I don't really have any new advice to give. I just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you, and I hope you can work through this.

decobelle

Did you change your ID on here? Because this seems like an unusual topic for a first time poster.

Anysunrise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-imploding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0432beb4-b49a-4120-9c25-bbb14a0b6c60Post:df978740-2c09-4692-bc24-746a1b9c664a">Re: My marriage is imploding (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Did you change your ID on here? Because this seems like an unusual topic for a first time poster.
Posted by decobelle[/QUOTE]

Read the first line of her post.

sb9411

I think that it is a very good idea to get out of your plans to visit his family. That could be really overwhelming. You have to not only help him along with this whole thing, but really preserve yourself in the process. I'm sorr you are dealing with this.

pearLimejello

Celles- I've never thought about that. Although I'm not trhilled about what happened, I guess if I had to choose, D/S would be best. I think that if he was watching something where the next step is to go out and actually act out, I would be more freaked out. Lord knows, I will not be doing what he was watching, ever. That really is an excellent point, we will have to talk about that. 

In other news, I'm really annoyed I never will be able to get a dog now.

emilyinchile

Dude, I'd be pissed about not having a dog - you have my sympathies on that one!

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-imploding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0432beb4-b49a-4120-9c25-bbb14a0b6c60Post:cecd9350-0fdc-4b82-9a2d-088cadec49b5">Re: My marriage is imploding (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In other news, I'm really annoyed I never will be able to get a dog now.
Posted by pearLimejello[/QUOTE]

<div>o_0</div>

alixzafiris

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-imploding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0432beb4-b49a-4120-9c25-bbb14a0b6c60Post:3e0145c2-8101-4331-82f4-c3073f6fcbd2">Re: My marriage is imploding (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My marriage is imploding (long) : o_0
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

Agreed. That totally makes me think mud.

Kaylakuma

Time and time again I see people who find out their spouses sexual fantasies AFTER marriage. It makes no sense to me. To me, this is the fault of both partners in the relationship that there is no trust. Why did you not talk about these things before getting married, moving in together and sharing personal devices like computers? I think you need to take a very long sit down with him and discuss your boundaries, how you both feel about these things and you'd do well to tell him your sexual fantasies as well if you haven't already.

tinydancer842

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-imploding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0432beb4-b49a-4120-9c25-bbb14a0b6c60Post:14caa6a2-8e20-4b23-b213-849fe709f27b">Re: My marriage is imploding (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Time and time again I see people who find out their spouses sexual fantasies AFTER marriage. It makes no sense to me. To me, this is the fault of both partners in the relationship that there is no trust. <strong>Why did you not talk about these things before getting married</strong>, moving in together and sharing personal devices like computers? I think you need to take a very long sit down with him and discuss your boundaries, how you both feel about these things and you'd do well to tell him your sexual fantasies as well if you haven't already.
Posted by Kaylakuma[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't think many people want to discuss they are into bestiality no matter how open they are about their sexuality. </div><div>
</div><div>You may have to accept that this is who he is & this is what turns him on. Even if he stops watching it -- it doesn't mean it still doesn't turn him on. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

2dBride

To be blunt, people are not responsible for what turns them on, only for what they choose to do about it.  As advice columnist Dan Savage put it, "Kink and variance seem to be a natural, intrinsic aspect of male sexuality."  My only quibble is that they seem also to be a natural, intrinsic aspect of female sexuality, too.

In this instance, I would suspect that the reason he didn't tell you before was that a) he knew it would upset you, and b) he's never planned to do anything about it, other than looking at porn, anyway.  And if you get him to a therapist, the likelihood is that the therapist will only tell him not to worry about his unusual interests, since he is not planning on doing anything about them.

What should you do?  Tell him to be more careful about erasing his browsing history, if you don't want to run across that porn again.  But giving up on the marriage because of it would be silly.  As Dan Savage also says, "Dump the honest foot fetishist and you will marry the dishonest necrophiliac.”  In other words, if you dump the guy because he was honest about having peculiar (even disgusting) but harmless fantasies, you open yourself up to getting involved with another guy who seems more "normal" only because he's less honest about what turns him on.

Oh, and to echo a PP, this seems like it is definitely a D/s type of fantasy.  You and he could experiment with a bit of fantasy D/s.  You could find that both of you enjoy it.