One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins?

barbiegirl25

What is standard procedure when dealing with 12 and under guests? I can't request that my aunts & uncles bring "no kids" because I am close with my older cousins, who range in age from 16-30, and I'm asking many of them to travel. However, my FI and I also have cousins as young as 4 (2 sets of twins included in this mix) who are spoiled, wild banshee children and require heavy amounts of involved supervision. How can my aunts and uncles enjoy their evening without the whole thing turning into a circus directed by a herd of stampeding ankle biters? Have you guys faced this problem?

salt78

Is this another Halloween AE?

arv266

Short of duck tape there is nothing that you can do.  As the PP stated, your cousins are the responsibility of your Aunt and Uncle.  Their bad behavior is on them, not you. 

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-etiquette-question-can-done-obnoxious-young-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:095920f1-4044-40c9-9dad-c3ea81f669dcPost:73e58ebc-be10-494a-9faf-317877bf9117">Re: One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]Is this another Halloween AE?
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

I don't think so, but now I have that godawful song stuck in my head.

angiebear11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-etiquette-question-can-done-obnoxious-young-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:095920f1-4044-40c9-9dad-c3ea81f669dcPost:e0e64f99-4449-4014-a9e3-a6313544a5bb">One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]What is standard procedure when dealing with 12 and under guests? I can't request that my aunts & uncles bring "no kids" because I am close with my older cousins, who range in age from 16-30, and I'm asking many of them to travel. However, my FI and I also have cousins as young as 4 (2 sets of twins included in this mix) who are spoiled, wild banshee children and require heavy amounts of involved supervision. <strong>How can my aunts and uncles enjoy their evening without the whole thing turning into a circus directed by a herd of stampeding ankle biters?</strong> Have you guys faced this problem?
Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]

Not your problem.  If your aunts and uncles think they wont be able to enjoy their evening with their kids, they wont bring them. 

salt78

Ugh. Me too. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to Re: One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins?:
[QUOTEduck tape
Posted by arv266[/QUOTE]
lol

xyrius

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-etiquette-question-can-done-obnoxious-young-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095920f1-4044-40c9-9dad-c3ea81f669dcPost:e0e64f99-4449-4014-a9e3-a6313544a5bb">One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]What is standard procedure when dealing with 12 and under guests? I can't request that my aunts & uncles bring "no kids" because I am close with my older cousins, who range in age from 16-30, and I'm asking many of them to travel. However, my FI and I also have cousins as young as 4 (2 sets of twins included in this mix) who are spoiled, wild banshee children and require heavy amounts of involved supervision. How can my aunts and uncles enjoy their evening without the <strong>whole thing turning into a circus directed by a herd of stampeding ankle biters</strong>? Have you guys faced this problem?
Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]

hehe, cqtm

priyacfernandez

"Adults Only" reception. It's been done before. I'll be holding mine the same way, with exceptions for my best friends and my older sister.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-etiquette-question-can-done-obnoxious-young-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095920f1-4044-40c9-9dad-c3ea81f669dcPost:c16aff14-dcf7-4792-a602-57ffbf6aae68">Re: One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]"Adults Only" reception. It's been done before. I'll be holding mine the same way, with exceptions for my best friends and my older sister.
Posted by priyacfernandez[/QUOTE]

<div>She already said that she doesn't want to include some and exclude others. </div>

redheadfsu

hire a babysitter? Does your venue have a room that could be used as a daycare area?  Of course make it optional for your guests.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-etiquette-question-can-done-obnoxious-young-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095920f1-4044-40c9-9dad-c3ea81f669dcPost:1fdd8f58-64b5-4765-99c0-d140b1d6fc83">Re: One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]Literally, the parents of one set of 6 year old twins had their children clinically diagnosed with a disorder called "ODD"-- Oppositional Defiant Disorder-- which medically explains why their kids act the way they do. I don't mean to offend anyone, but in my opinion, that is insanity! My parents successfully spanked my ODD right outta me and I turned out fine... 
Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I have a clinically diagnosed anxiety disorder. I wish it was just as easy as smacking it right out of me. 

</div>

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-etiquette-question-can-done-obnoxious-young-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:095920f1-4044-40c9-9dad-c3ea81f669dcPost:1fdd8f58-64b5-4765-99c0-d140b1d6fc83">Re: One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI's aunts and uncles are the classic parents of bad kids who think they are angels. Literally, the parents of one set of 6 year old twins had their children clinically diagnosed with a disorder called "ODD"-- Oppositional Defiant Disorder-- which medically explains why their kids act the way they do. I don't mean to offend anyone, but in my opinion, that is insanity! My parents successfully spanked my ODD right outta me and I turned out fine... anyway, if I know this family like I do, they'll definitely bring the kids and spend the whole night chasing after them and yelling at them until they're screaming and crying. <strong>I am just concerned my FI and I will feel the need to step in and help</strong>...  but I suppose no wedding is perfect and I should just roll with the punches.
Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]

It's not your problem and if you feel that urge, grab your new husband and have a shot or hit the dance floor.

barbiegirl25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-etiquette-question-can-done-obnoxious-young-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095920f1-4044-40c9-9dad-c3ea81f669dcPost:7eba17f0-4b1b-4260-a569-b406c109ea92">Re: One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins? : Again, not your problem.
Posted by angiebear11[/QUOTE]

I feel like it might become my problem if their antics are disrupting the ceremony or reception. My fiance feels fatherly toward them and is a serial problem-solver so I am concerned he will want to step in. But now I feel like I'm being negative assuming they will act up. I like the idea of a cut-off age but like a PP said, I am inviting families who have children who fall on both sides of the line. Acutally, I hate to say it, but it's really my FI's side of the family I'm worried about!

WildRumpus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-etiquette-question-can-done-obnoxious-young-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095920f1-4044-40c9-9dad-c3ea81f669dcPost:1fdd8f58-64b5-4765-99c0-d140b1d6fc83">Re: One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI's aunts and uncles are the classic parents of bad kids who think they are angels. Literally, the parents of one set of 6 year old twins had their children clinically diagnosed with a disorder called "ODD"-- Oppositional Defiant Disorder-- which medically explains why their kids act the way they do. I don't mean to offend anyone, but in my opinion, that is insanity! <strong>My parents successfully spanked my ODD right outta me and I turned out fine.</strong>.. anyway, if I know this family like I do, they'll definitely bring the kids and spend the whole night chasing after them and yelling at them until they're screaming and crying. I am just concerned my FI and I will feel the need to step in and help...  but I suppose no wedding is perfect and I should just roll with the punches.
Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]

Fantastic idea! I'll be sure to mention that to my sister as an idea for disciplining my 5 year old niece who is autistic. Thanks!

xyrius

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-etiquette-question-can-done-obnoxious-young-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095920f1-4044-40c9-9dad-c3ea81f669dcPost:cd72000b-e219-47ea-8072-93cf3013e04a">Re: One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]Alright alright I forgot how easy it is to get <strong>devoured by wolves</strong> in these forums... I know disorders exist, I have an anxiety disorder myself and used to work closely with autistic chlidren and adults on a daily basis. I know these disorders exist. I had just never heard of a disorder that medically explains why children act disrespectfully to authority figures. Apologies to the offended.
Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]

hardly.  i think you got off incredibly easy actually. 

barbiegirl25

Jill, I was insinuating that when I acted disrespectfully to authority figures at 5 years old, my parents handled it and I thank them for it. I don't think creating a disorder to explain away bad behavior is helpful to anyone. I've done plenty of research on "ODD" and I stand by my belief that it was created to make parents with difficult children feel like it's not their fault. I've taught preschool for 5 years and worked with many special needs children in my career, and the ones diagnosed with "ODD" were suddenly cured when they realized they can't get away with being rude and oppositional in the classroom like they can at home. Autism comes nowhere close to ODD in terms of seriousness and I don't think they should be compared in any way.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-etiquette-question-can-done-obnoxious-young-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095920f1-4044-40c9-9dad-c3ea81f669dcPost:29561a2a-9554-4970-9918-ede1833b71ab">Re: One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins? : I feel like it might become my problem if their antics are disrupting the ceremony or reception. My fiance feels fatherly toward them and is a serial problem-solver so I am concerned he will want to step in. But now I feel like I'm being negative assuming they will act up. I like the idea of a cut-off age but like a PP said, I am inviting families who have children who fall on both sides of the line. Acutally, I hate to say it, but it's really my FI's side of the family I'm worried about!
Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]


So, uh, broken record here - but it's still not your problem.

Unless you're going to march back up the aisle in the middle of your wedding and scold the children, but I don't think you're that stupid.

Listen, I've got some younger cousins who are holy nightmares too.  I feel your pain.  Really, I do.  But they are not your kids = they are not your problem.  If they are acting like assholes during your wedding and starting world war three during your reception, it only makes your aunt and uncle look like idiots and your cousins look like brats.  It has nothing to do with you.  There is nothing you can do.

I've actually yelled at my younger cousins before because they are very disrespectful little jerkwads, but I'm not their mom, so they don't listen (then again, they don't listen to their mother either, whatever).  Just let it go.  Your situation is not special or unique and I don't think someone's going to come up with some magical solution.  If your aunt and uncle want to enjoy themselves, they'll bring a sitter.  If they want to bring the kids, they'll bring the kids.  Try not to worry about it because there are a ton of other things you can plan in your wedding that you DO have control over.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-etiquette-question-can-done-obnoxious-young-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095920f1-4044-40c9-9dad-c3ea81f669dcPost:63dee837-78ac-477a-a932-48478c7b136e">Re: One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE] I've done plenty of research on "ODD" and I stand by my belief that it was created to make parents with difficult children feel like it's not their fault.
Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>WebMD?</div><div>
</div><div>Seriously though...if you think you were "devoured", you haven't seen anything.

</div>

barbiegirl25

Clarification-- if I do go the route of a "kids" area at the reception venue or hotel, does that mean for both the ceremony and reception, or just the reception?

arv266

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-etiquette-question-can-done-obnoxious-young-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095920f1-4044-40c9-9dad-c3ea81f669dcPost:4f326ace-717b-4196-ae6c-1dcde5444427">Re: One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]Clarification-- if I do go the route of a "kids" area at the reception venue or hotel, does that mean for both the ceremony and reception, or just the reception?
Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]

If we tell you just the reception, you will then give us <strong>clarification</strong> on how your cousins cannot sit still for the ceremony, and how this will be disruptive.....

Honestly, if you are going through all of this to ensure that your aunt and uncle enjoy themselves at your wedding, then consider not inviting any children at all.  Do you think that because the kids are not in the room causing a fuss, that their parents will be more relaxed?  And if they behave so terribly with their parents, how can you expect an outside party to keep them in check?

DavidandAmyClark

Although at this point I would be concerned that you said the "parents think that they are angels."  I think the only way to bring up the babysitter idea without offending the little angel's parents would be to create an age cut off and not invited children under X age.
By offering care the parents can travel with the kiddos, and they won't be at the wedding event.  Although I don't know how well that might go over.  I could see someone being offended.... I don't have kids so I can't say for sure.  

Istremene

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-etiquette-question-can-done-obnoxious-young-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:095920f1-4044-40c9-9dad-c3ea81f669dcPost:48daf7b6-83ba-43fa-9ffe-5076a65593ee">Re: One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]hire a babysitter? Does your venue have a room that could be used as a daycare area?  Of course make it optional for your guests.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]


This is my recommendation.

missy68

Try reading a DSM-IVR for some research on whether it's real or not and what the criteria is before making a statement like that.

squirrly

Honestly, a lot of parents aren't going to use child care.  And, if they think their kids are great they're not going to use it either.  Instead of spending money on that, I'd invite the kids and hire a security guard.  If the kids are too rowdy, the security guard can warn them and their parents.  If they persist, he can escort the whole crew out.  Just tell your aunt/uncle the guard is a requirement since it's an art museum and that'll be that. 

Kristin789

In my area, everyone who brings young kids drops them off at the Kids Room at the ceremony location on the way in, and picks them up on the way out.

Then when they get to the reception venue, they drop off the kids at the Kids Room, and pick them up when they leave.

The Kids Room is controlled by four or five women who are trained in kid care, and the kids enjoy a kids meal of chicken fingers and fries, then age appropriate fun activities through the evening.

EVERYBODY does this.  I'm trying to think of a wedding + reception I've been to in the last 10 years that had kids in the actual ceremony sanctuary or the actual reception rooom, and I can't think of one.

And about this:

/>> I am just concerned my FI and I will feel the need to step in and help...

Absolutely not.  Your venue will have a full security staff on duty, and they have a tiered system of taking care of this.  If these kids can't be controlled in a controlled space, the security staff will remove them.  They can't take the chance that a kid will knock over a sculpture or put his hands on a painting.

squirrly

Kristen, so that means that THE PEOPLE IN YOUR CIRCLE AND AGE GROUP DO THAT.  Not that everyone everywhere does.  With all the posts on the knot about kids, do you REALLY believe that the entire world banishes humans under 18 to the children's room?

Oh, and a lot of weddings aren't in churches, too. 

Seriously, I get that you want to give useful advice.  Why do you refuse to do so?

J&K10910

If ODD didn't exist, I wouldn't have a job.  So...does that mean my job doesn't exist?

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-etiquette-question-can-done-obnoxious-young-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:095920f1-4044-40c9-9dad-c3ea81f669dcPost:03e514f5-bc6f-4a0d-afd8-25265db752b6">Re: One more etiquette question... what can be done about my obnoxious young cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]Short of duck tape there is nothing that you can do.  As the PP stated, your cousins are the responsibility of your Aunt and Uncle.  Their bad behavior is on them, not you. 
Posted by arv266[/QUOTE]

arv266 ... You crack me up!  <strong>Duct tape fixes everything.</strong>  That and Windex.  LOL!

SineadHickey

Mental disorders exist. I have one. But lets not pretend that parents dont regularly use disorders to explain their childrens behavior away, rather than finding alternative parenting methods. Kids are being over medicated because of this. Let's not jump all over the OP. Things like autism and anxiety is not the same as a 6 year old having a defiance disorder. That's just kids who aren't being controlled.