Babies at wedding

cu97tiger

Please don't flame me, I'm truly at a loss here as to whether I'm doing something wrong.

We are having an adults-only wedding (ages 15+). We have six sets of friends who have babies that will still be breastfeeding at the time of the wedding. To accommodate them, we have asked that they do not bring the babies to the 30 minute ceremony, but the babies are welcome at the cocktail hour and reception.

Is this wrong? The best man and his wife are basically holding us emotionally-hostage saying that he won't be able to stay as long now because the wife will have to miss the ceremony. Have I committed a breach of etiquette?

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-wedding-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a4db796-b21c-47c0-8c49-e0832e729756Post:fbcbb9d9-5f21-4c19-b193-2b7be68f3f08">Re: Babies at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Babies at wedding : This particular baby has not yet been born. She is due five weeks before the wedding. I totally understand her not wanting to leave the baby with anyone. And I never thought about how tough it would be to leave the baby and two year old, then come back for just the baby. Ugh, I feel like an utter b!tch...
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

Aw, I agree with Sucrets.  Talk to them about how they feel with the situation. What would be easier for them: bringing the baby or leaving the baby with a sitter for an hour?  If you're willing to hear them out, I think that's better than just setting a (slightly arbitrary) rule.

mollyehren

Personally I would go either no children or all children. It just makes it easier. I know my friend who is having a baby 7 weeks prior does not want to bring her baby. She sees it as nice for them to have an adults night out while grandma watches the kids for the night

sucrets4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-wedding-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a4db796-b21c-47c0-8c49-e0832e729756Post:ff46d1a4-5f36-4428-9e19-ff1ee84b4512">Re: Babies at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally I would go either no children or all children. It just makes it easier. I know my friend who is having a baby 7 weeks prior does not want to bring her baby. She sees it as nice for them to have an adults night out while grandma watches the kids for the night
Posted by mollyehren[/QUOTE]

<div>The thing is you don't know what that kid is going to be like.  He/she could be a mess and ONLY want mom.  </div><div>
</div><div>So, if you have a choice of going to a wedding and leaving your kid to scream for hours on end or having to stay home since the bride doesn't want kids there, you'll probably stay home.  If you know that it's okay to bring the kid (and that the baby will be fine with you), then it makes it easier on the new parents and the bride and groom get to see their friends.</div>

toothpastechica

lol, If i was the best man or his wife i wouldnt be coming anymore. As people have said....babies that are young enough to be breastfeeding still do have needs that are different from say a 2 year old....if i was told, not only am i not allowed to bring my kid because they might cry (duh kids do that...) but that my husband should be there the whole time without me and the kid. I would be the one feeling like im excluded and being held hostage. If you dont want crying babies...dont invite them, and dont expect thier parents to come or even want to come. I know many many many parents who would not leave a child less then 6 months old with a babysitter who wasnt family for even a short time, and even with family, if they are breastfeeding, depending on thier schedule, your wedding time might not coordinate and they might need to eat in the middle of your ceremony...so should i just get up and leave in the middle to go so i can drive home and feed the kid? I think this thread is a bit rediculous and im not even a parent...just have enough respect for them to not ask them to put me first before thier childrens needs....

hansa11

I have two young kids and I can tell you that it's just not practical for most parents to leave a baby of just a few weeks old with a sitter.  If the baby is breastfed, it probably doesn't take a bottle at that age and it eats a lot and on an unpredictable schedule, so it would be impossible to "time" a feeding with your ceremony.  Even if the baby takes a bottle, if mom is away from baby, she'll have to pump.  If this baby comes to your ceremony, either it will sleep the whole time or mom will be sitting on a park bench somewhere feeding it.  Like another pp said, the crying of babies is less disruptive outside and it's less noisey if mom does need to get up and leave with the baby. 

I understand that it's your decision about whether you want kids at the wedding.  It's just that I think it's rude to say that they can come to one part, but not the other.  I wouldn't be offended if you said no kids, not even breastfeeding infants, period.  That said, if I had a five-week-old, in reality, I probably wouldn't come then for the issues mentioned above.  If I only had my two-and-a-half-year-old, and I were able to find a sitter, I'd happily do so and attend (but just wouldn't be able to stay late on account of the sitter). 

Mrs.B6302007

You're having an outdoor ceremony?  There will be planes, birds, vehicles, etc making noise so no one will notice a baby should it happen to make a little squeak or two.

Leaving the baby with the sitter for an hour is doable but then they have to drive home to get the baby and turn around and come back for the reception?  Plus take the chance that the 2 year old might flip out when mom and dad come back home for 10 minutes and then leave again? THat's not convenient for them or the sitter so I can see why they are planning on leaving early because it sounds like they're just going to leave the baby with the sitter and then be home in time for the next feeding.


ETA: and I see that either my internet or TK is acting up because there are several responses that weren't there a minute ago that have already covered this.

Kimbus22

I'm a lurker but as a new mom this is very interesting to me.

I agree you have the right to decide if you want kids there or not.  But it does seem rude to invite some children to some parts of the wedding and not others.  And also quite annoying.  Especially at 5 weeks old.  My son wasn't breastfed but there is NO way I would have left him with anyone for any period of time at 5 weeks old.

My cousin is getting married and she wants an adults only wedding.  I'm not comfortable getting a sitter while I go out of state for the weekend.  So my husband is not going to the wedding.  He'll stay home with my son and I'll go alone.

Try not to worry so much.  People are very understanding about babies.  And really, a wedding is one day.  Even if a baby comes and cries, 50 years from now you're not going to be sitting around pissed off about a baby crying at your wedding.  You most likely will be so nervous/excited about other things you wouldn't notice anyway unless the kid was in the front row screaming it's head off and the parents did nothing to stop it.  Either suck it up and let the babies come to the wedding or just make it adults only and tell anyone with a problem that you're sorry if that means they won't be able to make it.

mfeo24

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-newborn-wedding-crasher/2012/01/01/gIQAdthnEQ_story.html

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-wedding-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a4db796-b21c-47c0-8c49-e0832e729756Post:b083c8b7-161f-4d02-9f30-d82d164e7c30">Re: Babies at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Babies at wedding : It's because babies who are breastfed often don't take bottles so they can't be left with someone else for a long period of time.  Plus issues with the mom's supply, etc, but there's no need to get into that.
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

There are plenty of breastfeeding moms who work. I work with two of them right now. They are gone for 8+ hours a day. It is a personal decision for every mom to make--whether to go back to work or not--but it's not like it's unheard of for a BF mom to take other measures when she's away from her baby, i.e. pumping, etc. If a mom chooses to stay home with her baby and not be away from them at all, then to me, if they are invited without the kid to a wedding, they have a choice to make. But many other mothers make it work all the time, so I don't think it's fair to say that all BF mom can't ever be away from their kids. They can and many make it work all the time. This is why I don't think BF kids need to be an exception.

emilie5

I have a 17 month old, and many of my friends have babies. One of my bridesmaids has a baby and is still breastfeeding, and my fiance's sister also has an infant. I am having no children under 21 at my wedding with the exception of our daughter. They will have to make accomodations. Do not feel bad about your choice. I love my daughter, but babies make noise and I have seen my fair share of children spoil wedding vows. I am having a 'mother's helper' the day of the wedding. She is my babysitter, and she will take care of poopy diapers, feedings, and tantrums. I am paying her to do this so that I can enjoy my day and my daughter. I would not make acceptions. If my bridesmaid or FSIL decided to give me the ultimatum that they wouldn't come if their child wasn't invited, I would say, "Well, I am sorry that you won't be able to come to our wedding". Good luck this is a problem that is seen frequently. Heh... I just had my fiance's grandmother as for a plus 2 for her new boyfriend and her best friend. Weddings = family drama!

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-wedding-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a4db796-b21c-47c0-8c49-e0832e729756Post:3eba0e17-0c8d-40af-8557-4630f3613674">Re: Babies at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]<a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-newborn-wedding-crasher/2012/01/01/gIQAdthnEQ_story.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-newborn-wedding-crasher/2012/01/01/gIQAdthnEQ_story.html</a>
Posted by mfeo24[/QUOTE]

<div>This was a great read, thank you. After reading all your comments and doing some soul-searching, I've decided that it's more important for one of FIs best friends to be at our wedding than to stick to the 'no newborns at the ceremony' rule. I really appreciated your thoughtful comments.</div>

mfeo24

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-wedding-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a4db796-b21c-47c0-8c49-e0832e729756Post:2d095b7e-6c64-4e6a-abef-849be45a24df">Re: Babies at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Babies at wedding : This was a great read, thank you. After reading all your comments and doing some soul-searching, I've decided that it's more important for one of FIs best friends to be at our wedding than to stick to the 'no newborns at the ceremony' rule. I really appreciated your thoughtful comments.
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

::thumbs up::

sucrets4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-wedding-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a4db796-b21c-47c0-8c49-e0832e729756Post:72ea6213-351d-42e8-bd9b-4669e3b9c6a7">Re: Babies at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Babies at wedding : There are plenty of breastfeeding moms who work. I work with two of them right now. They are gone for 8+ hours a day. It is a personal decision for every mom to make--whether to go back to work or not--but it's not like it's unheard of for a BF mom to take other measures when she's away from her baby, i.e. pumping, etc. If a mom chooses to stay home with her baby and not be away from them at all, then to me, if they are invited without the kid to a wedding, they have a choice to make. But many other mothers make it work all the time, so I don't think it's fair to say that all BF mom can't ever be away from their kids. They can and many make it work all the time. This is why I don't think BF kids need to be an exception.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, I know that many BFing moms work.  Thanks.</div><div>
</div><div>However, pumping at a wedding is FAR worse than BFing there.  Have you ever pumped?  It sucks.  It takes time and can be messy and you literally have to let everything hang out while doing it.  Many work places even have a lactation room.  I doubt that a wedding venue would.</div><div>
</div><div>If the OP said "no babies at all", then I can see the all or nothing logic.  But it doesn't work since the OP was asking about no babies for only the ceremony, therefore needing to worry about travelling and all that jazz.  But, the B&G need to be prepared and not upset if the mom or couple choose to not attend at all, and I would think that they would want the Best Man there.</div><div>
</div><div>OP - glad you thought about it - I hope that they are happy and that the baby sleeps through your ceremony.  :-D</div>

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-wedding-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a4db796-b21c-47c0-8c49-e0832e729756Post:e509093b-51c9-4495-bfce-d31085e43a3d">Re: Babies at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Babies at wedding : Yes, I know that many BFing moms work.  Thanks. <strong>However, pumping at a wedding is FAR worse than BFing there.</strong>  Have you ever pumped?  It sucks.  It takes time and can be messy and you literally have to let everything hang out while doing it.  Many work places even have a lactation room.  I doubt that a wedding venue would. If the OP said "no babies at all", then I can see the all or nothing logic.  But it doesn't work since the OP was asking about no babies for only the ceremony, therefore needing to worry about travelling and all that jazz.  But, the B&G need to be prepared and not upset if the mom or couple choose to not attend at all, and I would think that they would want the Best Man there. OP - glad you thought about it - I hope that they are happy and that the baby sleeps through your ceremony.  :-D
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

Yes, I am aware, which is why I also said in my post that as a BF mother (or really just as a mother of a baby in general who doesn't want to be away from her kid), you have to make choices on attending social events. That's part of being a parent. Even if your kids are older, if they aren't invited somewhere and you are, you might choose to stay home, rather than leave them with a sitter. That's part of being a parent. I was simply showing that it's not like all BF mothers just sit at home all day and never leave their child. And I was also giving a reason for why BF infants shouldn't have to be an exception (in general, not aimed at the OP). I never even suggested pumping AT a wedding. But thanks for taking my comments out of context.

sucrets4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-wedding-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a4db796-b21c-47c0-8c49-e0832e729756Post:5118f304-f330-4bb4-996c-1f60b05a3f59">Re: Babies at wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Babies at wedding : Yes, I am aware, which is why I also said in my post that as a BF mother (or really just as a mother of a baby in general who doesn't want to be away from her kid), you have to make choices on attending social events. That's part of being a parent. Even if your kids are older, if they aren't invited somewhere and you are, you might choose to stay home, rather than leave them with a sitter. That's part of being a parent. I was simply showing that it's not like all BF mothers just sit at home all day and never leave their child. And I was also giving a reason for why BF infants shouldn't have to be an exception (in general, not aimed at the OP). I never even suggested pumping AT a wedding. But thanks for taking my comments out of context.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

<div>Do you know a lot about breastfeeding?  Because it doesn't sound like you do.</div><div>
</div><div>If you did, you would know that it's something that is based on supply and demand.  The more baby nurses, the more milk is made.  The less baby nurses, the less milk is made.  Missing a feeding or two that early could potentially affect your supply in the future.  Also, skipping a feeding hurts.  A LOT.  </div><div>
</div><div>So, you said that you didn't mean that a BFing mom should pump at a wedding.  Does that mean that you think that a BFing mom should just stay home?  Because with a 1 month old at an event that's probably around 5 hours, it would hurt and could affect her ability to BF in the future.  I suppose according to your logic, only moms who formula feed their kids get to go out then.  Nice.</div><div>
</div><div>And fwiw, we're not talking about older kids, so I don't get why you would bring it up.</div>

jessicabessica

SummerBride, I agree that babies are not an exception you must make if you're not having kids at your wedding, etiquette-wise.  However, it's nice to make that exception, especially if you want the parents to attend.  Like you said, part of being a parent is choosing to go somewhere without your kid or decline the invitation.  In the situation OP was asking about (and has made a good decision about after getting good advice, IMO), the parents said that they might not be able to attend for very long if their baby couldn't come.  What are you arguing about?

meembrey

Why can't you just hire a babysitter for the ceremony so that the moms will be able to attend the ceremony and not have to worry about their child and there will be no driving back and forth? This way it will be possible for the moms to enjoy even the reception if there is a designated/hired babysitter to watch the kids since you don't want to make noise during the ceremony and everyone will be happy. I understand your ceremony is outside, but surely there is a location where a babysitter could go with the kids.

acrisher

I'm not having children at my wedding ceremony or reception. Of any age. Except for the flower girls, who are my nieces. Other than that, if they're 18 or under, they're not invited. I don't see anything wrong with what you're asking. I just went to a wedding in October where there weren't any children at the ceremony or reception except for the ringbearer, who is the bride's nephew. If you invite one, you have to invite all. Don't your friends have breastpumps and storage bags?!

kboyle1

Have a children's room, ask some of the older children (15-18) if they wouldn't mind watching the babies during the ceremony, if they have experience.  Therefore the babies are still in the building if the parents need to check on them but they are not a disruption to the ceremony.

sweetmustang16

I dont think you did anything wrong here, Im not having any kids at my wedding either, I dont want to deal with any crying babies interrupting the ceremony. And not all parents get up and take their kid out, at least not in my experience. They sit there and try to quiet the kid....saying your vows is a moment you cant get back or do over, and Im not taking any chances of that moment being interrupted. If people cant or wont get a babysitter, then they can stay home.
Maybe you can hire a babysitter to watch kids during the ceremony, that way the best man's wife can attend the ceremony...although I think its stupid that the BM has to leave early. Its not the end of the world to be away from your kids and wife for a 3 hour wedding, and if his wife demands he come home early....well, I feel sorry the BM.
My advice is to stop trying to please everyone else, and focus on you and your fiance, this is your special day!
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I hope it turns out fabulous! 

klh6912

Ridiculous. People probably think that you're a self absorbed fool. Do you not plan on ever having kids? They're unpredictable, but you know what? So is life. Go with the flow, let people bring their kids if they're comfortable doing so, and everyone will be much happier. Otherwise, people never forget a bridezilla. And trying to control every aspect of your day will end up ruining it for you. I will be having a 11 month old, 3 year old and 7 year old IN my wedding, and there will be plenty of babies, toddlers and kids attending. I am having it at a beautiful facility and look forward to seeing kids on the dance floor and enjoying the $700 cake, cause the adults could care less about the cake

msuvet2006

cu97Tiger,

I understand your dilema totally.  We too were thinking of having a no children wedding (aside from my nieces and nephews) but we too were led to believe that people wouldn't come if they couldn't bring their kids.  People will say that the mother will take the crying child out of the area or santuary, but my fiance's friend's wife is the type of person who would breastfeed in public and not take the kid out because she would say that it is all natural and why should she change?  Don't let people make you feel guilty about wanting to ensure that your ceremony remains a quiet affair.

 

msuvet2006

Ok, its not easy to leave a young baby, but why is the father giving her an altramatum about this?  'Its all of us or nothing'.  Are you close to both of them or are you only friends with the father?  If so why is it a big deal if his wife doesn't come to the ceremony?  Are they really that clingy of a couple that he can't spend 30 minutes away from her??

bematthe311

Some parents need to have the epiphany that not everyone loves their spawn. (And to the self righteous parents who will jump down my throat for this - overly entitled parents lead to overly entitled children. When a couple gets married it is THEIR DAY. Period. No one should ever bully or guilt the couple for wanting THEIR day to go as planned. If a parent doesn't want to leave schnookums alone for 30 minutes, then I suppose said parent doesn't have to attend. My fiance and I are having a no children rule, and we accept the fact that this might mean a couple people who may have attended now won't. Simple as that. And for us, it's not just about the noise babies make. Just because you successfully comingled your DNA with your significant other does not mean the world bends to you.

So, here is how a rational person should look at this:
If you're the parent of a baby/child whom you don't want to find a sitter for during the wedding, you don't have to attend. The couple made that choice, and you should shrug and say, "meh, makes sense. Oh well."
If you're the couple who does not want children at their wedding, realize that some people who might otherwise have attended now will not. Just shrug and say "meh, makes sense. I understand. oh well."

Also on the topic of a parent having to drive back and forth because the baby is coming to the reception but not the ceremony - why not try an on site sitter? When my friend got married, one of the bridesmaids had a 1 yr old who was the flower girl. Grandmother was there to tend to little Gracie before and after her flower girl duties were done. (The venue was a church, so Grandmother and Gracie had a delightful time in the church's nursrey playroom while mother and father got a chance to remember the joys of a child free life.).

bematthe311

An additional note to the offended parents: I don't like children. Never have. I'm down right terrified of them. When one comes near me, I freeze up and want to get as far away as possible or have a panic attack. But I suppose the bride has no right to ask for her wedding day to be panic attack free in fear of people thinking of her as a "self absorbed fool?"

acgraham63

This is YOUR wedding. I agree with you 100%. I agree with the no childern rule if that is what you prefer. My daughter was married outside. The grooms best man and wife brought their baby. She cried during the ceremony and because the wife did not want to miss the any of the ceremony she never even bothered to move away. Needless to say, I was extremely annoyed as was my daughter. It was just rude. This was not the first time I witnessed this. Children do not have to be included in everything. You can't do the videography over is there happens to be a crying baby in your venue. Even if the parent removes the crying baby unless they leave the building you will in all probability still be able to hear the crying. Have your wedding exactly the way you want it. Your real friends will understand and agree that the day IS about YOU and your GROOM, and not their babies or childern, crying or not. Plan your wedding and trust your gut.  

Brookcity

I don't understand, if the baby is only going to be five weeks old why don't the mother just stay home and the best man come to the wedding. Is he not allowed to be away from his wife for an hour to go to his best friends wedding. I dont think your wrong at all. It doesn't even seem like a that big of a deal.

vickywil5

I think it is everyone's choice to have children at their wedding or not, but if they don't they can't expect everyone to make all different arrangements because you don't want children there, as you wont change your arrangements to cater for them you shouldn't expect them to.
If I was invited to a wedding and a had a baby I would say baby comes as well, as you want me there so why should I have to sort childminding out.

leismf88

I had the exact same thing happen to me but we actually said the babies can come to the ceremony but its an adult reception so no children allowed because if you say yes to one you have to say yes to all because what a huge fight it will cause and yes we have some people mad at us but  you have to put your foot down this is you and your grooms day! & I dont know about your reception but ours is from 730 to 1230 at night what normal human being would want an infant out that late at night? I know I wouldnt. No one should say anything and I personally find it rude if they even do say anything about your decision on an adult reception. Just stay strong and put your foot down about this one and enjoy your day! 

BethandSan

I'm a former babysitter...and I love kids, but I think it is entirely reasonable for you to not want babies or kids who may cause a ruckus in the ceremony.  That said, you need to provide a babysitter in a child-proofed room during the ceremony.  When I was recently speaking to some cousins of mine who have children at a family wedding, they said that was actually preferable for them because then they don't have to worry or feel awkward about their child making alot of noise during your special moment.