Venting about FI

ErinG93

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:547c1f61-72a3-457d-92d7-110ca76ba8e5">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Am I an asshole for thinking that I'd drop this dude immediately?  Just me?  Bueller?  F'real.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]



*raises hand hesitantly* I guess I have high expectations. If I said, ' Husband, it would mean a lot to me if you wear slacks and a button up shirt for at least pictures...' My husband would be happy to oblige. It goes both ways, though. If he asked me to do something that meant a lot him and was within reason, I would do it.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:9c50e888-fb16-4de2-827e-4545ab7cac2a">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to clear things up here.... I don't want FI to wear a full out tux or suit. Just a nice black jacket for the cermony. No tie/ no dress shoes/ etc. Black Jacket (to make me happy) Camo underneath (to make him happy) Black Jeans (to make him happy) Black Cowboy Boots (to make him happy) (the only thing I am asking for is the black jacket he refuses to wear) I'd never MAKE him wear anything- it's just what I think he'd look best in. He has a major communication issue- I agree. How do I fix it?<strong> I don't think I'd want to see a mairrage counselor, though.</strong>
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

Why?

YOU don't fix it.  You have to fix it together.  And if he can't even TALK to you about this stuff, I'm sorry, but I don't see the fixing happening without some outside help.

NuggetBrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:9c50e888-fb16-4de2-827e-4545ab7cac2a">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to clear things up here.... I don't want FI to wear a full out tux or suit. Just a nice black jacket for the cermony. No tie/ no dress shoes/ etc. Black Jacket (to make me happy) Camo underneath (to make him happy) Black Jeans (to make him happy) Black Cowboy Boots (to make him happy) (the only thing I am asking for is the black jacket he refuses to wear) I'd never MAKE him wear anything- it's just what I think he'd look best in. He has a major communication issue- I agree. How do I fix it? <strong>I don't think I'd want to see a mairrage counselor, though.
</strong>Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

Why?

Birdie1483

I'm really glad H acts like a grown up

santana9505

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:1571388e-7ef5-4820-bae8-09321546ec42">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : *raises hand hesitantly* I guess I have high expectations. If I said, ' Husband, it would mean a lot to me if you wear slacks and a button up shirt for at least pictures...' My husband would be happy to oblige. It goes both ways, though. If he asked me to do something that meant a lot him and was within reason, I would do it.
Posted by ErinG93[/QUOTE]

I guess I don't have it as easy as you other ladies.

MattsPenguin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:9c50e888-fb16-4de2-827e-4545ab7cac2a">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE] I don't think I'd want to see a mairrage counselor, though.
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

Ummmm . . . too bad?  Does your church require it?  Ours did.  It wasn't anything major.  They just made sure that we had discussed things like finances, children, etc.  And then a Meyers-Briggs personality test.

NuggetBrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:31b73450-863d-4e68-bea8-3189675bdca6">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Lol, I'm pretty sure he started watching the Mentalist JUST because the lead guy wears them all the time. 
Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]

OH MY GOD I LOVE THE MENTALIST PATRICK JANE 4 LYFE.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:9c50e888-fb16-4de2-827e-4545ab7cac2a">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to clear things up here.... I don't want FI to wear a full out tux or suit. Just a nice black jacket for the cermony. No tie/ no dress shoes/ etc. Black Jacket (to make me happy) Camo underneath (to make him happy) Black Jeans (to make him happy) Black Cowboy Boots (to make him happy) (the only thing I am asking for is the black jacket he refuses to wear) I'd never MAKE him wear anything- it's just what I think he'd look best in. <strong>He has a major communication issue- I agree. How do I fix it? I don't think I'd want to see a mairrage counselor, though.
</strong>Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

Well, get marriage counseling books. But you two really need to talk talk talk this out.

I'm not trying to be mean, but unless you BOTH fix this...divorce or an unhappy marriage is in the future.

lbarr088

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:9c50e888-fb16-4de2-827e-4545ab7cac2a">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to clear things up here.... I don't want FI to wear a full out tux or suit. Just a nice black jacket for the cermony. No tie/ no dress shoes/ etc. Black Jacket (to make me happy) Camo underneath (to make him happy) Black Jeans (to make him happy) Black Cowboy Boots (to make him happy) (the only thing I am asking for is the black jacket he refuses to wear) I'd never MAKE him wear anything- it's just what I think he'd look best in.<strong> He has a major communication issue- I agree. How do I fix it? I don't think I'd want to see a mairrage counselor, though.</strong>
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

<div>RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE.  </div><div>
</div><div>In all seriousness communication is both ways.  If he shuts down while you talk, then it's your issue as well.  IF you don't want to see a counselor because ya'll clearly need to get your sheitt together, I wonder how serious you are?  (I'm not trying to be judgey but I'd do anything to fix a problem with FI... including counseling if it had to happen)</div>

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:9c50e888-fb16-4de2-827e-4545ab7cac2a">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to clear things up here.... I don't want FI to wear a full out tux or suit. Just a nice black jacket for the cermony. No tie/ no dress shoes/ etc. Black Jacket (to make me happy) Camo underneath (to make him happy) Black Jeans (to make him happy) Black Cowboy Boots (to make him happy) (the only thing I am asking for is the black jacket he refuses to wear) I'd never MAKE him wear anything- it's just what I think he'd look best in. He has a major communication issue- I agree. How do I fix it?<strong> I don't think I'd want to see a mairrage counselor, though.</strong>
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but you must.  You just have to.

And I apologize for saying this - but if I was ever dating a guy who behaved this way we never would have made it to an engagement.  It just wouldn't happen.  If he can't handle wearing something nice for a formal occasion - like a work party or a wedding - there is definitely something else at work there.  And whatever it is, I'd want no part in it.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:0ae2cb7c-ec51-4f17-939a-7f5a78098855">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Ummmm . . . too bad?  Does your church require it?  Ours did.  It wasn't anything major.  They just made sure that we had discussed things like finances, children, etc.  <strong>And then a Meyers-Briggs personality test.</strong>
Posted by MattsPenguin[/QUOTE]

That's interesting.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:649945d9-a3ef-4a2a-ae9e-7ea187ff7f47">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm really glad H acts like a grown up
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

Same here.  That was kind of a requirement for me in a husband...

NuggetBrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:5070a411-b046-46b2-8d4a-cdcb6a327931">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : I guess I don't have it as easy as you other ladies.
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

It has nothing to do with us having it easy.  All of our husbands have issues or quirks that we wish they didn't have, but those are minor.  You have a MAJOR communication and respect issue here, and that's concerning. That's not something you can just ignore and hope it goes away. It won't.

MattsPenguin

J&K - the personality test and results were SOOOO interesting.  It explained a lot about how we already acted.  Like how Matt is the disciplinarian, and I'm the big softie (with our dog).  And I think it just gave each of us an idea of where the other was coming from.  To me it was the best part of our premarital couseling.

kcscejal

Your relationship doesn't sound very healthy.  If you're unwilling to speak to a counselor and work your issues out now when something much bigger than attire becomes the issue it will destroy the relationship.  You will be completely miserable.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:69bed089-dc0a-47b8-acfc-135372281fbb">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]J&K - the personality test and results were SOOOO interesting.  It explained a lot about how we already acted.  Like how Matt is the disciplinarian, and I'm the big softie (with our dog).  And I think it just gave each of us an idea of where the other was coming from.  To me it was the best part of our premarital couseling.
Posted by MattsPenguin[/QUOTE]

SEe I would have hated it.  But I'm glad you liked it! 

dumdumfroggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:9c50e888-fb16-4de2-827e-4545ab7cac2a">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to clear things up here.... I don't want FI to wear a full out tux or suit. Just a nice black jacket for the cermony. No tie/ no dress shoes/ etc. Black Jacket (to make me happy) Camo underneath (to make him happy) Black Jeans (to make him happy) Black Cowboy Boots (to make him happy) (the only thing I am asking for is the black jacket he refuses to wear) I'd never MAKE him wear anything- it's just what I think he'd look best in. He has a major communication issue- I agree. How do I fix it? I don't think I'd want to see a mairrage counselor, though.
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I'd say if you're not going to compromise on the jacket, then we'll do a solid color shirt instead.</div><div>
</div><div>So, either, black jeans with solid color shirt.</div><div>
</div><div>Or, black jeans, jacket and camo shirt.</div><div>
</div><div>I still think you have lots more communication issues to work on though.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>ETA:  Andplusalso, counseling isn't a bad thing.  It may help you two work on your communication issues.</div>

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:e51a1b61-eecf-46bf-9a9e-bf260cceea6d">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : I'm sorry, but you must.  You just have to. And I apologize for saying this - but if I was ever dating a guy who behaved this way we never would have made it to an engagement.  It just wouldn't happen.  <strong>If he can't handle wearing something nice for a formal occasion - like a work party or a wedding - there is definitely something else at work there.</strong>  And whatever it is, I'd want no part in it.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

Personally, I think it's really, really disrespectful and arrogant to flagrantly violate a (reasonable) dress code for no reason other than your own stubbornness, so my guess is that arrogance and a general lack of respect is what's at work there (at least, that was my experience with my t-shirt-wearing ex).

PetalPockets2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:649945d9-a3ef-4a2a-ae9e-7ea187ff7f47">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm really glad H acts like a grown up
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

Me too.

While FI prefers shorts and t-shirts, he is very nice if I would like him to dress up.

santana9505

We're not marrying in a church so our religion/ etc. doesn't require it. I appreciate all of the feedback I'm getting, though. And no replies are offending me.

Our marriage might look like a "failure" from the outside, but I'd beg to disagree. We may have to work on things like communication (obviously) but we're good for one another in many different aspects.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

How about this, santana.  Forget the camo and the black jeans.  What if your FI insisted on wearing a clown suit with full wig/makeup getup at your wedding?  Or perhaps a loin cloth to your work party?  Would you let that go?

Truly though it's not about the clothes.  He's just saying "screw you, I do what I want no matter how unreasonable it is."  That's terrible.  And very disrespectful.

Wow.  I feel really, really sorry for you.  How majorly frustrating and sad.

MattsPenguin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:a45b4d26-dbae-4fcb-9a24-9f8371714d27">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : SEe I would have hated it.  But I'm glad you liked it! 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

Why would you have hated it?  Have you done one before?  We did one in college.  I'm pretty sure that I got the same answer as this time.  Not sure if I got as good of a description of what my answer meant.

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:ada523e7-2607-4303-8a6d-f3c30a3242ef">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : I'd say if you're not going to compromise on the jacket, then we'll do a solid color shirt instead. So, either, black jeans with solid color shirt. Or, black jeans, jacket and camo shirt. I still think you have lots more communication issues to work on though.
Posted by dumdumfroggie[/QUOTE]

This. Although yes the two of you have a lot of other communication issues to sort through.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:516e59b3-37de-49d0-bc52-f5fc2b9626ed">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Personally, I think it's really, really disrespectful and arrogant to flagrantly violate a (reasonable) dress code for no reason other than your own stubbornness, so my guess is that arrogance and a general lack of respect is what's at work there (at least, that was my experience with my t-shirt-wearing ex).
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

Excellently put.

DodgersBride

Anna- FI doesn't like jeans. He prefers to wear dockers or dress pants all the time. I bought him a pair of jeans when we first started dating and he has maybe wore them a 8 times in 3+ years. He finds them more comfortable than jeans.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:57b851cd-097e-4876-8f7d-789183f1be17">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]We're not marrying in a church so our religion/ etc. doesn't require it. I appreciate all of the feedback I'm getting, though. And no replies are offending me. Our marriage might look like a "failure" from the outside, but I'd beg to disagree. We may have to work on things like communication (obviously) but <strong>we're good for one another in many different aspects.</strong>
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

Yeah?  Care to oblige?

And don't say sex.  Great sex does not a marriage make.

annakb8

Communication is a big fucking deal. 

It's more important that the fact you both enjoy snowmobiling or whatever. 

MattsPenguin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:57b851cd-097e-4876-8f7d-789183f1be17">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]We're not marrying in a church so our religion/ etc. doesn't require it. I appreciate all of the feedback I'm getting, though. And no replies are offending me. Our marriage might look like a "failure" from the outside, but I'd beg to disagree. We may have to work on things like communication (obviously) but we're good for one another in many different aspects.
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

Like the bedroom?  'Cause honey, that doesn't make for a long lasting relationship.

(sorry, not trying to be snarky, just funny.  I had this conversation with a friend the other day and you reminded me of it.)

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:57b851cd-097e-4876-8f7d-789183f1be17">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]We're not marrying in a church so our religion/ etc. doesn't require it. I appreciate all of the feedback I'm getting, though. And no replies are offending me. Our marriage might look like a "failure" from the outside, but I'd beg to disagree. We may have to work on things like communication (obviously) but we're good for one another in many different aspects.
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

But those other aspects aren't enough to make up for a weak foundation.  And, IMO, that's exactly what good communication is. 

H and I had a period before we got married where I felt incredibly unhappy in the relationship.  I was so convinced that weren't actually right for each other, and that he did the things he did that irritated me on purpose.  Then, we got some help working on our communication, and with both of us working together, it completely turned my feelings upside down.  It's really amazing how much good communication changes it--it took me from thinking we were doomed to realizing that we were totally awesome together if we worked on the way we talked to each other.

PetalPockets2012

I love the Mentalist too. (I can't keep up with you fast posters.)

And the last time I took the Meyers Briggs was in college and I was an ISFJ. Random.