Venting about FI

MattsPenguin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:526b5f0a-6ac5-4ec1-bcfd-22be2c112a70">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Haha, I just don't think they're very reliable or valid and...well, yes that too.  :-p  BUT I will concede that it's a great tool to open discussion and foster communication.  Just not the end all be all!  When it's used as a tool with people that are open to it, it's great.  But it's mis-used a lot.  Doesn't sound like yours was, which is great!  Ok, I'm totally done now.  DON'T MAKE ME TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

No more discussion.  How about we move on to Polka Dot Reisling?  I found it at our local liquor store.  I just love that bottle.  I have an empty one at home now.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:07158572-0080-4ee5-a1ab-415193b52116">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : No more discussion.  How about we move on to Polka Dot Reisling?  I found it at our local liquor store.  I just love that bottle.  I have an empty one at home now.
Posted by MattsPenguin[/QUOTE]

Mmmmm, that sounds fantastic right now! 

MattsPenguin

Concur.

santana9505

Thank you, jemmini. And everyone else that spoke up for me.

MattsPenguin

Santana - I'm very proud of you for how you've handled all of this discussion.  I agree with everything Jemmini said.   Good luck!!

NuggetBrain

I just want to give you a hug, you must be so frustrated.  I really do hope you go for counseling and if he refuses to go no matter what you tell him or how important you say it is to you, I think that's pretty much all you need to know about his commitment to the relationship.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:de10e83e-cfd2-4455-950f-f565de3f84ce">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you, jemmini. And everyone else that spoke up for me.
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

We all understand how hard it is when you get hit with the wake up stick concerning an element of your relationship (you have handled it well).We really are just trying to help.  I hope you two can work this out. Hopefully, you two just need to learn a few things about how to talk to each other. Good Luck!

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:e2b83eff-12be-4cdc-87ca-dc72f77bf1a0">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]I just want to give you a hug, you must be so frustrated.  I really do hope you go for counseling and if he refuses to go no matter what you tell him or how important you say it is to you, I think that's pretty much all you need to know about his commitment to the relationship.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

I'm very late to thsi but I ditto all this.

santana9505

Thanks ladies. I couldn't imagine leaving FI & wasting away 6 years that we've built together without giving other things a shot like the counseling sessions, etc.
 
First, I think I need to work on how to approach our convorsations and try to get him to see the big picture. It's not just about clothes, work parties, or our wedding. It's completely and totally about our compromises & communication for eachother. I need to get him to speak up about things.

I'm going to try my best!

eorea

I'm late but I just wanted to say good luck. I think you are heading in the right direction, Santana. 

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I wasted six years on my ex...

I had a happy ending though.

Birdie1483

Yeah we're not saying you need to break things off with him because he likes to wear black jeans. We are just saying there are some things you should probably work on and not have your head in the sand about. It sounds like you realize there are some issues you need to work on, so that's good! Sometimes you just need to go back to the basics in a relationship, especially after you've been together for so long and get into the habit of doing things a certain way.

santana9505

I'm completely on board with this being a whole lot more than a pair of jeans.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:e55a1a91-4ab1-4ee4-89d4-128f8d04cd88">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks ladies. I couldn't imagine leaving FI & wasting away 6 years that we've built together without giving other things a shot like the counseling sessions, etc.  <strong> First, I think I need to work on how to approach our convorsations and try to get him to see the big picture. It's not just about clothes, work parties, or our wedding. It's completely and totally about our compromises & communication for eachother.</strong> I need to get him to speak up about things. I'm going to try my best!
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

Yes!  Way to handle all of this like a grown-up - hopefully FI will be as receptive to what you have to say as you've been to us.  One other thing to keep in mind - it's great that you're going to try <em>your</em> best, but he needs to try his best too - don't let him off the hook on that.

And apologies if I was blunt before - I have had several relationships that are similar to the experiences you are describing having with your FI, and those relationships were absolutely toxic for me - I turned myself inside out for others, bending over backwards to be "accommodating" and "accepting," and I wasn't treated fairly in return.  It took a long time for me to really grasp that the people who truly love me for who I am (and not just for what I can do for them) will be willing to make reasonable efforts (putting on a tie, going to a few counseling sessions, etc.) to "meet me in the middle," so to speak. 

Also, as for the six years thing, don't get stuck in a "sunk costs" mindset - spending six years on him doesn't mean he's definitely the right guy for you.  He may be, and I truly hope that he is, but if counseling and your other efforts to get him to communicate fail, don't be afraid to cut your losses (I hope it doesn't come to this, but I don't want you to lose sight of this possibility going forward). 

jsleik

Santana, I'm so impressed with you!  You have really handled this thread really well! 

I agree that this is way more than jeans.  It is about communication and compromise and how you both view those things.  And to talk about perspective, sometimes you need a 3rd party to give you perspective.  Since now you're working on how to talk to your FI about it, here are my thoughts:

My husband and I grew up in different countries and while we knew we loved each other so much, we welcomed the required marriage counseling we had to do.  We even went out and bought some books on mulit-cultural marriages because we knew there were people out there that knew more than we did about making relationships work, and more particularly about our situation.  Asking for help about something you don't know about is scary, but also so smart.  I don't regret a moment of that.  And we didn't do it because of any "problems" but more of a preventative measure.

It sounds like you have identified that communication is an issue.  Why not ask someone who has helped people?  Clearly this is already bugging you or you would not have posted.  It is better to get at the root of this now.  Also, as you heard from other knotties, usually asking for help will make your relationship stronger, which is always a good thing!

Good luck and keep us posted!

mica178

It bothers me that you talk about wasting 6 years if you don't marry FI.  That's a poor way of looking at things.  If something is a bad investment, hanging onto it just because you've had it for six years is stupid.  You should cut your losses and run.  But if you see  that under the muck is something worthwhile, then you should work on fixing things. 

I spent six years with the wrong person, and I am happy that I didn't stick with him just because I had already invested those years.

I'm glad that you are going to work on your relationship.