Wedding Etiquette Forum

Crazy FSIL!

2

Re: Crazy FSIL!

  • After reading the other posts, I apologize, my post was a bit harsh...however I do stand by the fact that in your OP is sounded very selfish that you only cared about your precious wedding and not the well being of your FSIL.
  • If her parents are in denial, there is not much you can do. She will keep using as long as people let her. So sorry & you two should go to group meeting to try to handle your emotions. If I was in your position i would not invite her. Good luck.

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    Married 9/15/11

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  • CubsGirl, you probably should have read the other posts.Your response was ignorant and rude. We have done a lot for her and made plenty of sacrifices including putting our own jobs in jeopardy. Now she doesn't want help, isn't gonna get help. So what I was told from my own counselor was to make sure that the rest of us continue to have normal functioning safe lives. We can't put our lives on hold or have things damaged by someone who is unwilling to get their own help.Now if you think I'm so "selfish" and only care about our wedding I really wish you'd take the time to get to know the situation and all that's been put into FSIL.You are more than welcome to message me and I'd love to tell you the whole story. Then maybe you wouldn't be so quick to judge based on a quick vent-like post I made.
  • J&K what exactly are those meetings?And yes I understand my original post isn't 100% clear. I'll take fault for that.I hope everyone understands my intentions at this point.
  • No, I apologized, but of course I am going to judge based on the OP. I said I hadn't read anything other than the first post, and after reading the entire thread I acknoweldged I was harsh, however you did sound like a selfish brat in your OP.
  • hmc, an alanon meeting or other therapist may be a great way to start.  I'd try to convince your FI that he needs to do this too.  It's one of the hardest things to deal with but those who have loved ones with substance abuse issues need to know that what they have been doing is the opposite of helping.  
  • I find it interesting that you are still calling me selfish and a brat even though you are apologizing.I understand my post was quick and focused on my wedding. I should have posted more about where we are at with my FSIL.Regardless if I sound selfish or like a brat, the way you responded makes you look just as stupid.
  • Banana and J&K I think group meetings or family counseling, not including FSIL since she does not want to attend, would be really helpful.I never really thought about that. I will bring it up :) I really think my FI would benefit greatly. I know he's torn up and tries not show it.
  • salt78salt78 member
    5000 Comments
    [i]I'd try to convince your FI that he needs to do this too.[/i] This. I think any family member involved here could greatly benefit from Al-Anon meetings. You should pass this info on to your FI and maybe he can speak with his parents about it as well.
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  • Is there a website or anything? Or it's just something to look up locally?
  • I think you may be able to look it up on a website or even in the yellow pages.   When in doubt, I bet local hospitals may have that kind of information.
  • salt78salt78 member
    5000 Comments
    www.al-anon.alateen.org Good luck with everything. I hope FSIL eventually gets the help she sounds like she so desperately needs.
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  • Alanon meetings are fairly universal, like AA meetings, I'm actually surprised you haven't heard of them.  Also, if there are any open AA meetings you could go to one of those and just observe.
  • True.Well this advice is 10x more helpful then I thought it would be.Again, I wasn't meaning it was about our wedding and no one cares about the addiction. Its been a long, long process and I know that we can't alter our lives because someone else refuses to change.Right now I guess we will have to see what happens in the next couple of months. I do think she needs to know that if this is what she chooses to do she can't be invited to our wedding. I guess for FI's sake I'm holding off for a bit.
  • Thanks for the website, I will share with him when he gets off work. And I will say I guess I too was being in denial even thinking it'd be okay to invite her to the wedding. Guess my question should have been how to handle telling her she isn't invited.Thanks everyone :)
  • I understand my post was quick and focused on my wedding. I should have posted more about where we are at with my FSIL.You can't expect people to know everything about the situation if you don't tell them. Like I said, I was judging based on the OP, which, is typically what you do on a message board, you post a question, which in your case was "How do I deal with my crazy drug addict FSIL at my wedding?" Instead, if you had asked something like "My FSIL is a drug addict, and we've tried to get her help, she has done XYZ at previous family functions and I'm not sure if I want to deal with that on our wedding day...." It wouldn't have sounded like you only cared about her embarrassing you on your wedding day.Anyways, good luck with everything.
  • Cubs, the other thing you do with a message board is to scroll through the posts to make sure you didn't miss other important details.
  • I do agree with J&K.  Her family needs to stop enabling her and her behavior.  That means out of the house, no more car to borrow, no loaning money....and no wedding invite until she seeks help.I've worked with addicts in a group home.  Most of them never sought help, or thought they had a problem, until they lost literally everything, meaning family and friends and jobs.You and FI's family should probably seek advice on doing an intervention.
  • Instead, if you had asked something like "My FSIL is a drug addict, and we've tried to get her help, she has done XYZ at previous family functions and I'm not sure if I want to deal with that on our wedding day...." No offense Cubs, cause you're normally right on, but she did say something to that effect in the OP.We can't even have our friends around her because she does her crazy things like throwing fits or telling everyone how crappy her life is and starts crying.Don't get me wrong - I do care for her. But we have all tried to get her into rehab, we even took her to California away from here to get help and she refused.She refuses to do anything about her life and just interferes with everyone elses.
  • hmc came on to a wedding planning board and asked how to deal with something that is going to affect her wedding.. why is that so bad?  She also stated in her OP that she has tried to get FSIL help, so she obviously cares about her well being.Cubs- you were in the wrong.  You half asss admitted it, and continued to attack the OP.  How lovely of you.  Now I remember why I used to not like you.
  • My SIL is an alcoholic. She was a BM in my wedding. It was the worst decision ever. She showed up to the wedding drunk and by the time the night was over, she had slapped my sweet, dear MIL in the face and got into a fight with a GM and another BM. She ruined our wedding. She burned many bridges that night including my H's . We no longer speak to her. She refused to get help for her problems and she ended up losing family and friends in the end. My point is, sometimes no matter how much you try to help someone who is an addict, they are going to do whatever the fukc they want to do. The addict does not take into account anyone else's feelings. They just want that next fix and they will hurt anyone who gets in their way. The best thing you can do at the point, is say screw it and look out for your best interest by excluding her from the wedding. I would flat out tell her she isn't allowed at the wedding unless she gets clean.
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  • Okay, I did not scroll your other responses, but my answer still stays the same. Why should you take into consideration her feelings when she sure as hell does not take into consideration your feelings and her family's? I know it is a harsh way of thinking but sometimes harsh is a must.
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  • you were in the wrong. You half asss admitted it, and continued to attack the OP.I did admit I was wrong, I apologized. I don't feel like I was attacking the OP at all, I was pointing out why I made a snap judgement based on her OP. I apologze again if she feels like I was attacking her.
  • Wow Ricks, that sucks and I'm sorry it all happened.But it's a perfect example of what could happen.  She needs help, and won't realize that until she hits rock bottom, which is many times when friends and family say "stay away until you're clean".They need the hard consequences.  Enabling has to stop, like, yesterday.  I understand that FI wants her to be a part of this important day, but it may be better if he starts to accept that she won't be there for him in any meaningful way.
  • Exactly Mocha, and from what I hear, my SIL quit drinking after that because she lost a lot of people that night. I hope OP figures this out :)
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  • I agree.  I think "holding off for now" is another form of enabling, IMO.  I would talk to FI about letting her know now that because of her actions she will not be included in anything.  Your wedding isn't for a while, but there are wedding-related events that are probably already happening (dress shopping etc).  I know your FI wants to help, but avoiding anything isn't helping.
  • Thank you ricksang. That's what me and my FI are worried about. I don't think she should be allowed at our wedding if she hasn't showed any improvement.So at this point I should be thinking more about inviting her only IF she improves and not worry how she'd act at the wedding - because she can't behave she won't be there anyway.
  • True...now is probably the best time to talk, especially so she isn't "surprised" that she isn't invited if/when it comes down to it. Just need to lay it all out and get it over with...oh boy.I don't have any sisters, she was like a sister to me for years. Shopping and hanging out, talking to each other. And now I don't have that. So I know a part of me just wishes she could be at our wedding too but now talking with all of you and understand that no matter how much I miss the old her she can't be a part of this, and other things, if something doesn't change.
  • Yes, bringing it up to her now is much better than later.  This way, she may take the opportunity to seek help, and will have time for it to hopefully stick, at least enough to behave at the wedding.  If you wait until the invites go out and don't send her one, there's no time for her to make any changes.Of course, be prepared for her to continue to refuse any changes or help.  It's sad, but you don't need to bring your lives down with her.  Your wedding should be a special time, not marred by an uncontrollable addict.
  • You don't want to ruin your beautiful day with her sh!t. You know? Talk to her soon. Maybe this will shock her into getting better.
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