Couples Party

sondheimsnob

My fiancee and I are planning to have a very intimate wedding in April in New York where we live (intimate b/c it's very costly to have a wedding here).  However, we want to celebrate with all of our friends and family by having a party in New Orleans (where the majority of them are from) around Christmas.  Is it rude if we only invite people to the party and not to the wedding?

Brie2010

Would the party be Christmas 2009, before the wedding, or Christmas 2010, after the wedding?But, yeah, it's rude to invite people to any kind of reception and not a ceremony.  It comes across as gift grabby.

ExpatPumpkin

I think that if you add up the cost of a small wedding in NYC plus a large party in New Orleans you'll find that you can scratch the party and just invite everyone to your wedding in NYC.

aerinpegadrak

It's not uncommon to have a very small destination wedding and a larger (and usually more casual) at-home reception.  However, it sounds like you're planning a small at-home wedding and a larger destination reception...  Why not just plan the whole wedding in New Orleans?  Planning a wedding from a distance is a little harder than planning one at home, but not that much.I fail to see how either of these is a "couples party," though.

sondheimsnob

We actually live in New York, but are both originally from New Orleans.  Our New York wedding, which would be a destination wedding for our families, would be limited to 75 people, but we would like to also have some kind of celebration around Christmas 2009 when we are home with our extended family and friends who we can not invite.

Brie2010

We actually live in New York, but are both originally from New Orleans. Our New York wedding, which would be a destination wedding for our families, would be limited to 75 people, but we would like to also have some kind of celebration around Christmas 2009 when we are home with our extended family and friends who we can not invite.This is a bad idea.  Since this party would be BEFORE your actual wedding, it would be the functional equivalent of throwing yourselves an engagement party, which is a huge faux pas.Lots of people have family all over the country--you have to pick your destination and hope people travel.  Have ONE wedding, in NY, and invite your whole family.  If they can't come, they can't come.  Your current plan seems incredibly gift grabby.

janedoe1113a

75 people is not an intimate wedding.

MeaghanandMichael

OK 75 people is not thaaat intimate. I mean, if you said 20 people to one wedding and then the other 125 to another I could understand. This just sounds like 2 weddings and gift grabby.

mocha beans

Small and intimate=/=75 person guest list.  How will you be saving any money by throwing a wedding that size in NYC and then a party in New Orleans?  Can't you just up the guest list to NYC and skip New Orleans?  I can't imagine the cost would be that much, even in NYC.  Or why not just have the wedding in New Orleans?At home receptions are more acceptable for a true DW, where everyone travels, and typically the costs of that travel are higher.  New Orleans to NYC doesn't seem like it would really be that much for your guests.

aerinpegadrak

Yeah, I still don't see why you can't just do the one wedding in New Orleans.  If it's a cost issue, then just about anywhere is cheaper to get married than New York City, and holding a small-ish wedding in NYC and then a big wedding in NOLA isn't going to cost any less than just a slightly bigger wedding in NOLA.  In fact, it will probably cost more.

mrsLesGrossman

I had a DW overseas and live in NY.  We invited everyone to the DW.  A lot of people came and we were surprised that they traveled.  We had another reception for the guests that couldn't travel after we got back to NY, also invited everyone that traveled to the wedding.  I think if you do it this way, people will be understanding.  Having the party in New Orleans before does seem odd even though you are doing it around the holidays.  Can you do the same after your spring holiday, if it is after the wedding? 

mwhitson14

Do people not know the meaning of the word intimate anymore?75 people is not very intimate.

mrsLesGrossman

BTW, I think seventy five is intimate, depending on the couple's customs.  Our wedding was huge and our AHR had sixty five people. 

mocha beans

Yes, if you want a  NOLA reception, than it's polite to invite guests to both NYC and NOLA.  Or you can have an intimate (ie. a dozen-ish or less) wedding in NYC, and then invite the huge list to NOLA.

tidetravel

An intimate DW would imply only immediate family/close friends. Then you could have a larger AHR later to include those that couldn't come to the wedding. However, 75 people for a wedding is not an intimate number, and you will offend a lot of people that didn't get an invite to the wedding if you try to do a reception in NOLA at a later time. You would basically be telling them, "hey, sorry you weren't important enough to come to my wedding, but please come celebrate with us at a later time, and bring a gift."

MeaghanandMichael

btw, are you a huge West Side Story fan? Or does the snob part imply you are partial to only Into the Woods?

mrsLesGrossman

No, no, the snob implies that she is a new NYer, another reason I hate implants. 

MeaghanandMichael

well E, I know nothing about that being the die hard Boston girl that I am... annoyed she already left though

mrsLesGrossman

That is because the ones who move to Boston are cool.  My friend moved to Boston after being there for under grad and never left.  She is a really good friend and stayed because of the laid back but interesting people.  I can't stand when people post and don't answer. 

mocha beans

Me too, E, me too.

MeaghanandMichael

laid back but interesting people. Yeah, I find this to be absolutely true. This with a heaping side of asshole-ness. But that's what keeps it interesting for me. I can't take the constant comparison game I find in NYC. I am sure it is a rather limited experince but saying things like, "oh I got married on MV," in NYC, seem to get me a, "oh well my sister got married in the Hamptons." instead of a Boston, "cool, what a partaaaay, but you're kind of a douche for making your guests travel."

mrsLesGrossman

I think there is that perception of being douchy if it isn't your lifestyle or how you grew up.  I hear someone got married on MV or the East End(you're fakin the funk or are noveau riche if you call it "the Hamptons"), I just think oh cool.  It is the same for us that a lot of the family was cool about us marrying in Haifa but our Tel Aviv family thought it was showy, if that makes sense. 

MeaghanandMichael

Yeah definitely... who knows. I will probably give NYC way more of a go now though that I moved to Norwalk and H works in Darien. No reason not to and it is fabulous. Must go places?

mrsLesGrossman

The house that we are taking on lien from the client is in Darien.  Must see here?  There is everything to see here!  Shopping, spas, shopping, restaurants, shopping, sports events, shopping, night life, shopping, museums, and uh, shopping.  Say you remember that really amazing margarita and taco from your last trip in Mexico, you can get to an authentic tortilla factory and get that.  If you wanted that limited edition perfume from Chanel, right here.  You wanted to have a custom barrel of wine to bottle for the holidays, we have a winery right here.  There is so much to do, just look at an event calendar here and you'll see so much even on a Tuesday. 

MeaghanandMichael

welll duh everything is there. I was hoping for an E exclusive tour of what's what. Just tell me a great tequila bar and I am good to go.

mrsLesGrossman

I'll give you a tour.  Just tell me what you are into and no problem.  There is a nice tequila tasting menu at the Grand.  They give you chocolate and other things for pairing, very nice.  Once, we saw Lindsey Lohan and her woman there spinning. 

MeaghanandMichael

hellz yeah now you are talking. I am going to talk to H about doing a weekend there... maaaybe a day since we are so picky about leaving the dogs. My brother can watch them though. I will page if we get serious. I went a few months ago and did really touristy things like McSorleys. It was fun for 2:00pm but by 7:00pm I was just beat. We went to a great little dive in the village around 2:00am though and got free beer and pizza. Crocidile Lounge I think it was.

mrsLesGrossman

The way I tell people where to go is based on their style, budget, and time.  Tell me what you are looking to do the weekend you come and I'll give you info.  There are hotels here that will dog sit.  You should make a night of it since you can't do much in a day. 

MeaghanandMichael

Thanks doll, I am kinda pumped about it now. Just finding the time will be the biggie. I work Saturdays so Friday nights are out. Like you said though, Tuesdays are big so Sundays should be great as well if we decide to go on my version of the weekend.

mrsLesGrossman

Find the time before it gets freezing.  It is fun in kind of cold weather when the dessert truck has Valrhona hot chocolate but sometimes it makes you want to just stay home. 

sondheimsnob

First of all, thank you everyone for you input!  My fiancee and I have a lot to think about.  I know 75 does not seem like an intimate number but my fiancee and I are both from large close families (my fiancee's sister just got married and had a wedding with nearly 300 people) and after cutting down everyone but our immediate relatives and closest friends we are still at 96, so we still have some figuring out to do.  It's not that we want gifts from everyone, we just want to celebrate our marriage with all of our friends.  We've considered doing the ceremony in New Orleans, but with our work schedules it is really not feasible.  We have lived in New York together for the last two years, we fell in love here and have built a life here.  Also, we are both women and while we will still more than likely have to go out of state to get our official license, we would like to do this as close to the wedding day as possible and it is a lot easier to hop on a train to CT from New York.MeaghanandMichael, yes I am actually a huge fan of West Side Story, the original Broadway cast recording is what got me interested in the theatre.  Follies is also my favorite show of all time, but the name actually was just a joke that continued on and has yet to die (and it actually helped me get a job once so that's cool. (= )mrsLesGrossman, I felt like your comment was a little rude.  New York is a city of implants and we all love it for it different reasons.