A Tiff W/My MOH (vent/NWR)

amlewis83

So, here the short of it: We have been great friends for almost 3 years. Went out to dinner to catch up last night, and, at the end, she tells me she feels our friendship is one-sided because I don't drive.A little more: I was in a severe car accident a decade ago that left me scared to drive. I know I am dependent on others for a lot, and it hard on me and them yadda yadda. MOH and I have almost always lived about 1/2 hour away from each other. We used to hang out a few times a month. Lately, it has been more like once a month. I didn't think anything of it because I am with FI and work opposite shift of her. It hurts me that she thinks because I don't go to see her, it is a half sided friendship. She never asks me to do something else, somewhere else. FI would gladly take me out to see her if I asked, but she never brings it up. Also, I don't know what is really out there, so she would have to suggest it, not me. And this is what I really don't get...what if I did drive, and did go out there, would she not still visit my area the ONCE a month I ask her for dinner or drinks or whatever? I could understand more if I expected her to come see me every week, but I don't. It just hurt me she felt this way. If roles were reversed I'd hope not to feel like that and I told her so.Side note: she lived like 3 blocks away for 6 months and I only saw her once or twice that whole time. She says that's only 6 months of are whole friendship, but my point is why is this all falling on my shoulders? Okay, vent over.

goheels05

Ouch. 

salt78

[i] FI would gladly take me out to see her if I asked, but she never brings it up.[/i] I'm not saying she is completely in the right, but why don't YOU ever bring it up? You could instigate the hanging out also.

danieliza1127

Well she probably never asks you to come to her because she knows you can't or that it would be a hardship.Have you sought counseling about your fear of driving?  It seems very strange to me that 10 years later you won't drive because of an accident 10 years ago.  That's not normal and it's not healthy and it obviously is creating difficulties in your relationships.Sometimes people just feel the way they feel.  I can understand how she feels.  My best friend lives 3 hours away and has only been down to see me once in the 2 years I've been living back home.  I go up there all the time.  It does hurt my feelings that she doesn't make any effort to come here, even though I know it's hard for her because she has 2 kids.  So what I'm saying is, even though your friend knows it's hard for you to come see her because you won't drive, she still has the right to be hurt or upset by it.

Nebb

My best friend doesnt drive, and sometimes I find it very frustrating to have to pick her up wherever she is and then drive her home at the end of the night. I will sometimes cancel plans or not make plans at all because I honestly dont feel like being a chaufeur (duno how to spell that). How often are you asking her to do stuff? Do you call and ask if you can go over and suggest your FI drive you so she knwos that option is there?

crfische

I'm in the boat where I think you should go to counseling to get over your fear of driving.Ten years is a long time to not work on that.  

J&K10910

Well, it's not like you have to say "let's hang out in your town here doing this!"  You could just say "hey, my FI would be happy to drive me over there if there's something you'd like to do there."Honestly, I'd get a little tired of always having to be the one to drive an hour round trip to see you too.  Especially if your FI is perfectly willing to drive you there.

temerityjane

I was in a horrific wreck more than 10 years ago now, and it took me almost a year to start driving again. If I go for a period without driving (like when I was away at school), it's almost impossible for me to start again. Unfamiliar areas are even worse. I moved here to AZ in March, and I think I've driven my car maybe 2 or 3 times since then. I can't do it. I just can't. I can't. I definitely understand where you're coming from.However, even though I don't know anyone here and I work at home and I really have no reason to go anywhere without Buddy so he always drives, I've realized that this is just no way to live. This absolutely cannot continue. I second whoever said counseling. As soon as I have medical insurance, it is going to be just about the first thing I do. It sucks that your friend said that, and it seems a bit petty and that maybe there are underlying issues. But coming from someone in the same position, you've got to find a way over it. So do I.

ThePinkSuperhero

I'm in the boat where I think you should go to counseling to get over your fear of driving.  Ten years is a long time to not work on that. Agreed.  It's not fair to expect other people to get over their annoyance about it when you haven't worked to get over the fear.

tidetravel

Sounds like there is more to the story than maybe you even know.  Friendships often fall more on the shoulders of one person than the other.  I have one friend that I know I have to drive to visit, because I know she doesn't like to drive on the beltway.  I don't mind - that's just the dynamic of the relationship  I also have a friend that pretty much has to come visit me because I hate driving in downtown DC.  I know that it frusterates her sometimes, but it is what it is.Sounds like you all have some talking to do.

SwedishChick2011

Also, I don't know what is really out there, so she would have to suggest it, not me. I think this is just an excuse.  You could still suggest getting together, whether it's for a movie or dinner or whatever.  Or you could just say "Hey, do you want to go do something?" and see what she says.  Maybe she really isn't a good friend, but you won't know if you never initiate anything.  Also, side note - are you open to start driving again?  At some point, you will need to get over this fear. 

crfische

If you don't know what's out there, read a newspaper. Watch TV, GOOGLE. In this day in age, it is not acceptable to say you don't know what's out there.

bbyckes

I can see where your friend is coming from.  It can be taxing to have to chaffeur someone around.  The driver has to do double the driving.  Come pick you up, go to the venue, drive you home and then drive themself home.  That's a lot.It doesn't seem like it's all falling on your shoulders, but on everyone else's.I suggest counseling also.  Not only to get over your fear, but to have independence. 

betrothed123

I garee with PPs.  You should get into therapy.  IT's not healthy or normal to still not be driving 10 years later. Also, I've been the driving friend when there was someone who didn't ever want to drive.  It's really annoying, and I would never want to be the one who suggested they hardship someone else to come see me.  However, I didn't want to constasntly be the one going out of their way to see the other person.I've had friendships dissolve because of this.

crfische

Have you ever offered her gas money?Gas is 'spensive.

amlewis83

Don't get me wrong, I do see her point of view. I just wish she would just sometime say "Hey, so and so and I are going to dinner at a new sushi joint out here Sat night, wanna join?" Then, she'd be giving me the chance to find my way and figure it out. We hang out about once a month at my encouragement. I know she loves me and I love her, so I am not mad she brought this up. I just try to the best of my ability to see all my friends. It took me bu surprise. It was awkward ride home.About counseling: How would I go about looking in to that? Honestly, I am marrying a man in the Guard and there will be times he is taken from me and the family we make. I know for that reason, alone, I need to drive.

temerityjane

Even though I said I'm in the same position, your complacency with your situation seems off. Again, I completely sympathsize with you - I KNOW it's been 10+ years since my wreck but everything happened so fast, out of nowhere, my brother, sister and I were all almost killed, the whole experience was so completely bewildering and surreal and what I've held onto from it is that any second at all, an accident could happen. When we take long highway trips, I am often almost crying in the car while Buddy drives due to being so terrified on the highway.But I know this isn't right and I know it's really bad. I HATE it. I hate that Buddy has to turn around and go back out to the base after a long day of work to take me grocery shopping. I hate that I have to ask him to take me to the store to get tampons. I hate that I can't have a midday pick me up Starbucks if I want one. Sometimes, four or five or even more days pass before I realize I haven't set foot outside the house. Setting aside the issue with your friend, this is not, it's NOT, a good way to live.Actually, I think this post has just inspired me to get Buddy to go out driving with me tonight.

banana468

Have you sought counseling over the driving issue?  It's understandable to have anxiety but not seeking counseling for it isn't.  Unless you're living in an area where driving just isn't necessary (like NYC) then some therapy would be a great suggestion. Beyond that, take some time to really think about what she said.  Perhaps she's just wanting you to be the person who wants to be the initiator and plan maker.  Many friends of mine have said that they grow tired of being the one who always drives. 

crfische

Google mental health organizations in your area and see if there is a therapist that you think you would jive with. Are you covered through insurance?What is your area?

salt78

[i]"Hey, so and so and I are going to dinner at a new sushi joint out here Sat night, wanna join?" Then, she'd be giving me the chance to find my way and figure it out.[/i] Yeah but the point is, if you are already encouraging it, why not encourage going somewhere near her so that she doesn't have to drive? Why do you need her permission to hang out in her neck of the woods. If I were her, I'd be thrilled that you bought it up.

danieliza1127

I just wish she would just sometime say "Hey, so and so and I are going to dinner at a new sushi joint out here Sat night, wanna join?" Then, she'd be giving me the chance to find my way and figure it out.Did you tell her that?  I'm sure she never does because she doesn't want to feel obligated to have to come pick you up and she probably assumes (even if it's incorrectly) that you won't have a way there so what's the point?  All you can do now that she told you how she feels is let her know that you would love it if she would invite you to do things in her area and that you would find a way to get there, and also let her know that you're looking into getting help with your driving issues.

crfische

http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/stateresourceguides/NewYork01.asp

SwedishChick2011

About counseling: How would I go about looking in to that? Honestly, I am marrying a man in the Guard and there will be times he is taken from me and the family we make. I know for that reason, alone, I need to drive.You could probably get a referral from your primary doctor.  It's great that you realize that you need to start driving again.  Besides counseling, you can start driving somewhere easy like a parking lot or country road, with you FI in the car.  Then slowly but steadily work your way up to busier streets.   

crfische

http://www.mhanys.org/links/index.phpIf you contact any of those people, let them know what's going on, they will know how to direct you.

crfische

http://www.phobia-anxiety.org/

amlewis83

Backstory on my accident: I spent a month in a coma, almost died, went to a rehab hospital for 2 months, and wasn't even allowed to drive for 18months because of a chance of seizures. This all happened a few months prior to my 16th bday, so I actually have never really learned to drive. I bought a car at 18 and took a few lessons but got totally freaked. Also, I had friends and family take me a few times here and there, but never felt brave enough to go more than a fe wblocks around here. Highway scares me like crazy. My permit expired about a year ago. I need to go get it again and then prob a comco of therapy and driving lessons or FI taking me out may help.

MissLeahM

Why not take a taxi, or check out the bus route. It may be expensive, but I'm sure she's spent alot of money to pick you up and then drive you.

crfische

The last link I posted has some good information.

banana468

That sounds awful!  It's understandable that you're shaken up - but it is also time to do your best to seek therapy regarding the matter.Behavioral therapy and understanding of the situation will work wonders.

Nebb

I just learned how to drive a few years ago, the intimidation of fast cars and accidents kept me from getting my license but I had to for work. My husband would take me out really early in the morning (like 6am) to get used to driving on the road, and we would also practice in the local colleges parking lots. Set yourself up to succeed and dont put yourself in positions where anxiety will ge tthe better of you, it sounds like youd do better learning when there werent many cars around, to start.

amlewis83

Thank you all for you help and suggestions. Fish, thanks for the sites. I am def going to try and get back in to the driving. As for MOH and I...we ended it last night on the fact that I would try and go out her way more often. I guess I just hope she initiates it sometimes.