Serious: Anyone still up?

louisvillebride21

I really really need to talk about something. I just got a very upsetting call from my friend. Is anyone still up?

mrstarawalsh

I'm up... I know you don't know me but what's up?

ricksang

I am here what's up?

louisvillebride21

I don't care if I know you, I need SOMEONE. I met this girl last semester and we've become so close, so quick. Some irrelevant facts about her. She's a lesbian (important later), she's a 3 time Iraqi/Afgan vet. She's a biomedical engineer major. She got a grant this summer through NASA. She's AMAZING. She makes me laugh more than anyone else I've ever met. Tonight she calls me...she was staying at her friends house. Her friends husband comes into the living room, gets on top of her...and proceeds to get off in her mouth. She calls my absolutly hysterical. It takes her a good 10 min to get the story out. I think I say all the right things, but she's reacting just like it sounds like most rape victims do. She wont tell anyone but me becausee she thinks no one will believe her, theres no rape kit because it was in her mouth. It will break up a family. I couldn't convince her it wasn't her fault. I think that's because she's this super tough vet and all she could do was lay there with this 200 pd man on top of her. She didn't even attempt to fight back, she was paralyzed. I KNOW its nto right for ANY woman to be raped. For some reason its hitting me worse because she's a lesbian. I don't know why, but it is. WTH do I do???

ricksang

OMG so he held her down and forced oral sex on her?! You have to try to talk her into going to the police. This guy is clearly dangerous.

mrstarawalsh

Dude, that's horrible. As a rape victim myself I can say that she's probably scared as hell and feels very "dirty" right now. It's hard not to blame yourself when something like this happends. All you can do is encourage her to go to the police. They can try to swab her mouth to see if there's any residue and get DNA from it. They can also tell if she had been struggling (ie. brusies on her arms, neck, etc). Just be there for her, tell her that you're there, reassure her that YOU believe her (that's very very important that someone believes her). Other than that there's not much else you can do. I'm so sorry she's gone through this.

louisvillebride21

Yes, that's what I got from it. To make matters worse, her friend and husband have a child together. What's to say he isn't doing this to his child? I just...I don't knwo what to do. She said that she told me but she can't tell anyone else.

anna.oskar

You need to tell her that what he did is unacceptable and if she doesn't tell someone she will regret it if she ever hears in the future that she could have spared someone else the same or worse pain by telling.

anna.oskar

As a vet myself, we "learn" to deal with things for the greater good.  She needs to report him now and to be told that now is not the time to shelter others to keep the peace.

louisvillebride21

I'm very sorry you've gone through that. Never having experienced anything close to this myself, I just can't understand feeling like its your fault. I mean, we're always told by media that it isn't our fault. What changes at that time to make you think it is? I'm asking out of genuine curiosity. I just need to make this all better for her. God. I just.. man...

lins7883

She needs to go to the police.  Now.  And yes, it will most likely break up a family - but would anyone really want to be married to a man who would do this to anyone?  I would want myself and my kids (if there are children) away as quickly as possible...that to me is a huge warning sign of what he is capable of.

louisvillebride21

Anna, she was on her way to her parents house...after stopping by her hosue to get the things her mom had told her to bring the next time she came home. She said thinking about something else, normal, is her way of 'dealing'. I wanted to say that she needs to to keep someone else from going through it, but I was scared to say that. I didn't want to make her feel any more guilty than she already did.

louisvillebride21

There was no getting her to go to the police tonight. I had to back off from that. She was driving to her parents house and was starting to hyperventilate. I was worried she was going to wreck. I'm across the state with FI and I can't get to her right now. I would have driven her there myself had I been with her.

anna.oskar

Tell her it.  It might make her pissed off at you, but I'm willing to bet it'll be short-lived.  I've blocked out things a time or two myself and the only way to break that shield is to be truthful and forceful.

louisvillebride21

Now, I've met her parents and her mom really seems to love me. She even told me to 'watch out' for her and to 'take care of her'. She says she can't tell her parents. Do I risk our friendship and tell them anyways, or is that really her thing to do?

ricksang

I understand her not wanting to go to the police. At least try to get her to get some type of help. I wonder how many other friends this man has done this to.

mrstarawalsh

I think the best way to describe it is that you've lost control of something so precious to you that you assume it's your fault... IDK how else to describe it. I always go with the "what ifs" in my head. What if I wasn't in that spot that day? What if I hadn't have worn that short dress? What if I had done what my mom had asked me and gone with her? The list goes on and on. Just be there for her, encourage her to do the "right" thing. Remind her that there's a small child in the home at risk.

louisvillebride21

WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THIS? I talked to FI and I just lost it. I can't understand it. I know there isn't understanding it....but what the hell?

anna.oskar

try to get her to at least swab her mouth.  Tell her it's just in case she does decide to notify the authorities. If she's as smart as you say, no doubt, then she'll understand the importance of dna evidence "just in case".

louisvillebride21

I'll try to get her to. Although I'm afraid its too late. I think the first thing I would have done is to scrub my mouth till it bled.

louisvillebride21

Yeah, she's alrady brushed 40 million times.

anna.oskar

true.  vut it's always worth a shot and unless she gargled with peroxide, there should still be trace if she concentrates on mouth areas that are not prone to tissue loss. edge of gums, roof of mouth, uvula if she can manage.

mrstarawalsh

Most rapes are about control. The person who rapes needs to feel that he is in control of someone or something. I'm not surprised she brushed her teeth a million times I feel for her

laladypoet

wow. I wish she hadn't have brushed.that's all I can say except I feel terrible for her

laladypoet

uh, yeah. grammar no good. me talk pretty one day.

colleenspencer

That's horrible and sickening.  That poor girl.  And he was ballsy enough to do this in his own house with his wife and child there?  He wasn't concerned that she'd scream and wake them?  I'd be concerned that the "friend" wouldn't be so shocked to find out what her husband has been up to.

thesuninherhead

Your poor friend. As others have said, she does need to go to the police about this- even if charges don't get laid. If this man believes he has a right to force himself on strangers in his home, I hate to think what he feels he is entitled to with his own wife/children. I would encourage your friend to talk to her mum about what has happened, if I were you. I'm sure that her parents will be better placed to help her with going to the police etc, seeing as they will be with her.

rhodesign

what a sick bastard! I'm so sorry for your friend!DNA can still exist on the toothbrush, so don't give up on that just yet. She needs to tell her friend. Even if she initially doesn't believe her, she needs to know what her husband did.Just sick.

tmm140

That is extremely sad!!! I couldn't imagine what she must be going through.  I agree with everyone else she needs to report it pronto!! People like that don't need to be walking around on the street.  This is such a tough situation and I can see why she wouldn't WANT to report it, she just has too.

Mryan209

O.m.g.While I agree that the "right" thing to do is go to the police, try to view this from different perspectives.  She may have very legit reasons for not wanting to go, one being that police are notoriously un-forgiving when women are raped.  Additionally, if they cannot obtain DNA it will become her word against his and if it were to go to court, many rape victims report the courtroom being almost as bad as the rape itself because not only do you have to relive every second, but the defense will pick you apart.  They don't just bring up that night, they bring up character: number of sexual partners in the past, that kind of stuff.  I do not think you should tell her parents.  Right now she's likely feeling very lost and out of control.  She told you in confidence, don't take that away from her too.  I think you need to encourage her to talk to her parents and seek therapy because sexual abuse has a permanent effect on its victims.  Sorry so long, but this is based on experience and having studied this topic a pretty decent amount. 

louisvillebride21

Thanks for all the kind words ladies. I have decided to not make her go to the cops. I did a little more 'research' last night and I think it would be even more traumatizing. I am going to try to force her to go to our school's rape center to talk to someone. I'm going to be there for her every single step of the way. I just hope she can find the courage to talk to someone about this, especially her friend. I'm terrified for that child.