Wedding Etiquette Forum
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To invite, or not to invite?!

Hello everyone! I'm new, so go easy on me ;) We just got engaged on 9/11/09 and planning for a May 2010 wedding. We are starting to make our guest list and I need help with something!We are only inviting "and guest" or "plus one" if the couple has been dating a long time, are engaged, or are married. In doing this, we hope to avoid "randoms" at our wedding and avoid paying a bunch of money for people we don't even know.Here is my dilemma- I have a group of three girlfriends that I am extremely close with (we are all close with each other- not just me individually with each of them). Two are single, and one has a long-term boyfriend who I do not get along with at all. I know that going by our rules on who to invite, he should be invited, however I am wondering if I can get away with inviting just her since my other two girlfriends will be there alone and since she is very close with the two of them.Please let me know what you think! I appreciate the help in advance!
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Re: To invite, or not to invite?!

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    I replied in the thread below this.It's rude to delete posts.  I had written out a whole answer and went to post it and the Knot ate it because you DD'd. 
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    You should invite him.  Anyway, who knows - maybe she'll have seen the light and broken up with him by the time your wedding rolls around.  Also, you shouldn't DD, even if it's right after you post the thread.  Just sayin'.
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    You have to invite him.  It would be really rude on your part not to.And then that's something that BOTH of them get to hold over your head - the rudeness on your part of not inviting him.FWIW, one of our GM was dating someone we affectionately called, "Psychohosebeast".  She had an ax to grind against me and said disparaging things but she was the GM's sig other and she came.  And guess what?  She stayed on her best behavior and there were no issues with her.
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    You have to invite him if you are inviting other long term couples. Do you really think on your wedding day you are going to care about this one guy? There are much bigger fish to fry my dear.
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    No, you can't "get away" with not inviting her boyfriend just because you don't like him.
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    You need to invite him. You don't get to bend your rules on what a "social unit" is to exclude people you don't like. You most likely won't even notice he's there anyway. You'll be playing the part of the bride and will be plenty busy. Personally, I think it's crappy to invite single guests alone, but that's me. I planned and based our guest list on everyone bringing a date.
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    Invite him. If I had a long term BF that you knew and you didn't invite him, I'd be irritated and maybe just bring him anyway. Plus, the chances of you actually having to see him or converse with him are slim.
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    No. You can't not invite him simply because you don't approve of him.
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    You know the rules, so you have your answer.
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    long-term.... you should invite. Very rude if you do not. If invited alone, she probably would decline your invite. (i would)

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    Ditto what everyone has said, including the DD part.I have two guests attending whose S/O's are complete d-bags and nobody likes them (including me). But they were still invited. Also, these two guests will have their family and best friends there to have fun with... it doesn't mean that they still would not want their S/Os there as well. Sorry, no way around this one. Plus, if you start picking and choosing S/O's now, you're going to get yourself into trouble with the rest of the guest list down the line.



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    invite himI do not understand this thinking process and avoid paying a bunch of money for people we don't even know (not just OP but I see it on here a lot).  If a B&G are inviting friends who are single/still dating, it's practically a given that there will be a few "strangers" at the wedding in the sense that may not know the BF/GF of their guests.  It just comes with the territory.
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    If you have to put "go easy on me" in your question, then you know what the answer is. Invite him! It would be extremely rude not to, and I wouldn't be surprised if your friend didn't come because he wasn't invited. Also, I'm betting your friend would be pissed. I wouldn't want to jeopardize my friendship over something so silly.
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    Yeah, you have to invite him.  I had the same situation with one of my friends- except she has a husband that not only I but my entire family can't stand.  He was still invited.  Maybe you'll be lucky like I was and he won't be able to come due to work issues, but your friend will.  :) 
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    Suck it up and invite him. Like CS said, you probably won't even notice him there anyways. You'll have bigger things to worry about on your wedding day.
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    It is totally rude to not invite him, you might not like him but that is her choice. Don't put her in the position to have to tell him he is invited. That would suck for her, and if she is a good friend why would you do that to her?
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    you got engaged on 9/11? y'all have an interesting sense of, er, romance. p.s. redhead - my h made out with christina hendricks.
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    Your wedding invites are not the appropriate time to pass judgement on your friend's taste in men. Based on your "go easy on me" you already knew this was rude so go with it and include him. He will not ruin your wedding. More than likely you won't even know he is there.
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    The good news is that you shouldn't be writing out invitations until March for a May wedding, so by that time they may be broken up.  But no, you can't not invite someone's serious significant other just because you don't like him, even if her other two best friends will be stag.  Also, come March, they may have boyfriends, too, so then what would you do?
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    Ditto everyone times 100. Like someone said, your wedding is not the place to make a declaration about your friend's taste in men. It's possible that they'll be broken up or he won't be able to go. I promise you won't notice he's there, it's not like you'll have time to really socialize. If I was invited without FI, especially if it was someone I was close to who definitely knows FI, I would be very offended and decline the invite.
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    Thanks for the feedback! And sorry for deleting the original post... like I said, I'm new... but now I know better!To answer a few questions...We have very large families and have almost 200 guests with the single people staying single and not inviting guests. The idea to invite everyone with a plus one may change as we just started planning.As for getting engaged on 9/11 being "strange"... we left for vacation that day and he proposed when we got there as a kickoff to our vacation! He did not propose because it was 9/11, that just happens to be a coincidence!I had gotten mixed reviews about my question from friends and family which is why I brought the question to the boards. I appreciate your honesty and your help with the situation! And I guess you're right - the day of the wedding I won't even be thinking about him!
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    We invited all long-term couples (no definite time requirement...generally if we knew the name of the significant other and knew they'd been together awhile), anyone living together or engaged, and obviously spouses.I "and guest"-ed the single members of the bridal party, anyone traveling a long distance, and anyone who wouldn't really know many people at the wedding. All told, I think I wound up "and guest"-ing about 12 extra people, and so far, only four of those people (out of eight responses from those 12) are actually bringing a guest. I didn't want a bunch of random people, but so far, it's not looking like we'll have many.
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    i think it's extremely rude not to give ANY single person a +1.  to specifically invite some of your friends boyfriends and not others or not give some single people a +1 = not cool.
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    i think it's extremely rude not to give ANY single person a +1So you think people should give all single people +1s and then possibly not be able to afford to invite some of their friends?  I personally would pick my friends over my single friend's fling of the week.
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    my single friend's fling of the week.i think putting it that way sounds really judgemental on your part, and also shows you don't understand what its like to be single
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    Really?  Just because someone's getting married means she's lost all sense of what it's like to be a single person?   That seems to be a bit of a judgmental statement to me. 
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    not "just because she's getting married."  it was referring to not giving her single friends a plus one, so they didnt bring their "fling of the week"i am single (i know, why am i even on this board???) and i would be really offended if someone didnt give me a plus one, bc they felt i would bring a "fling of the week" aka i don't deserve to have a companion/date for the evening, bc i haven't been lucky enough to find someone to spend my life with yet...   having and knowing other people there doesn't make up for not having a date.i DO however totally see and understand the point about trying to keep your costs down, and i certainly dont feel entitled or OWED someone paying for my date.but to phrase it that way "dont  bring a fling of the week" sorry, but it's rude and DOES show a lack of understanding of what its like to be single.  i looked at her profile, and it says shes only 22, so yeah -- she probably doesn't really know what it's like to be a single adult.
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    Kinsey - perhaps you should leave. Personal attacks on posters (especially moderators) are not tolerated here.
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    I had a guest who whined and moaned and carried on throughout my whole engagement about whether or not she'd be able to bring a date (an ex was going to be there and she wanted to prance around with some other guy on her arm).  I waited until the invitations went out to make a decision, since in that time she went through about a half dozen boyfriends.  She did indeed have a boyfriend when my invitations went out, so I included him.They broke up 3 days after my wedding.So yeah, I think "this week's fling" or whatever pretty much sums up a lot of bride's feelings on this issue.  We had a lot of friends we weren't able to invite and I could have had one more friend there had I not had to invite her flavor of the month.
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    And this isn't a lack of understanding about what it's like to be single.I dated a lot when I was single.  Never would I have expected half, no, 3/4 of those guys to be invited as my date to a wedding.  My boyfriend of 3 years was invited as my guest to a wedding.  That was justified.  Another time, I was told I could bring a date to a high school friend's wedding.  I was seeing someone at the time but didn't bring him.  And there were other times I was invited with no date, and that was fine too. 
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