NWR: Adopting a child

jilybeans4

CHILD, not baby.Anyone here have experience with family or friends adopting a younger child? I've never known anyone who didn't adopt their child as an infant, but I'm curious about things such as:- if it is easier to do this in the US than adopting a baby- if an older child (I'm thinking 3-5 years old) is able to adjust well to a new family without having a lot of problems from losing their first family - assuming they are mentally/physically healthy otherwise- whether or not you would consider this and why or why not?I think I do want children...but the idea of having a baby kind of freaks me out. I have no interest in being pregnant, I worry about crying/messiness/being up all night, and it just doesn't appeal to me at all. Babies don't do it for me. But I think younger children are fun and the things I envision when I think of motherhood all involve things like playing together, baking cookies, reading stories, trips to the pumpkin patch, etc (obviously there are more) with a child who can laugh and talk while enjoying these things with me and DH. FWIW, I have no idea what DH would think of this. Somehow, given that he a bit more traditional than I am, I have a feeling this would take some convincing. But he's back and forth about having kids at ALL so IDK if thats even the issue at this point!I know there are a lot of children out there who need homes and love that are NOT babies...but I feel like I don't hear about them in my personal life or even really in the news. Anyway, hope this wasn't too confusing of a question. I look forward to hearing your thoughts : )

salt78

You know older kids still cry, keep you up, are messy, time consuming, etc. It sounds like you would be a good aunt though.

NuggetBrain

You do know there will still be crying and messiness and being up all night with 3-5 year olds, right?

julezlee

From what I know, it's much harder for a child to get adopted than a baby.  People generally like adopting babies.  I think it would be great if you decided to adopt a child.  A lot of kids end up getting passed around foster homes because they don't get adopted. 

NuggetBrain

DAMNIT SALT GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!1111OMGZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Kati0105

It sounds like you would be a good aunt though.::snort::

gkb0910

I have no personal or family experience with this, but I've heard that most people want to adopt a baby, and older children have more trouble being adopted.  I think if this is something you and your husband want to do, it's great to give older children a home.

danieliza1127

I have friends who worked in the child protective/foster care/adoptions field but otherwise my knowledge is pretty limited.  I would assume that kids that age would have some issues, because if they're up for adoption at that age it probably means they were removed from their parents for neglect or abuse of some sort.  Or if they've been up for adoption since birth and are now 3-5, I would want to know why no one else scooped them up.I think the things you envisioned about baking and reading stories and what not are all the fun things people think of when they think of being parents.  But just because you skip baby-hood doesn't mean all problems go away and everything is easy.  Toddlers are very difficult too.  Especially ones who don't know you and won't respect your authority right away, and probably won't trust you right away.I'm not saying no one should adopt older kids.  People should absolutely.  Those kids needs good and loving homes.  What I'm saying is, it's not all easy peasy just because you've skipped the baby years, especially when you add in all the other factors like where the kid came from and his/her biological parents/family and how long they've been in the "system".

bbyckes

 I have family members who adopted a member of their famil because their parent(s) were unable to provide adequately for them, but no experience with adopting someone who isn't a relative. I think it may be a little easier, if easier means not as long of a wait. I think children are especially resilient and adapt to most changes as long as the transition is a positive one and the environment is a good fit.I would totally consider this.  Next year, after the wedding, FI and I are going to foster - get certified, etc.  I would love to adopt.  We'll see if this is in our future.

angiebear11

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound judgmental, but you're reasons for wanting to adopt just seem... wrong (I can't think of another word) to me. Having a baby/child isn't supposed to be all fun and games.

TiDa2009

I would assume that it would be easier to adopt a 3-5 yr old than a baby, but not as easy as, say, a 10-12 yr old. I think at that age there's a lot of room to have the child adjust to your family.  It would take some work and I think that a SAH parent (at least for a little while) would be ideal in this situation. I would definitely consider it, so would FI. I think if you contact an adoption agency or check on-line (there's one in Alberta that lists all the children that currently need adopting), they'll be able to tell you more about the older children in the system needing adopting.

danieliza1127

It sounds like you would be a good aunt though.I was thinking that too.  Or a good Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) or Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) or Big Brother/Big Sister.

momofayden

Most people don't adopt children because they want a cute little baby.  Bad comparison but it's the same thing with dogs. Everyone want s a cute little puppy, even puppies a few months old are considerd 'too old'.  I think adopting a child would be awesome. There will be growing pains on both sides but it will be worth it.  It's scarey but see what's out there and what your options are then go from there one step at a time.  And yse there are tons of "older children" wanting a home. 

jilybeans4

Yeah...good points guys. I guess I am kind of making it sound silly....what i mean basically is: I go back and forth about whether or not I want kids, period. A major reason why I go back and forth is that I don't really like babies and can't envision myself taking care of one. I know messes and crying don't go away when they get older, but the communication between an older child and its parent is different than with a screaming baby who can't understand.Since I don't really care for babies, and there ARE a lot of children who are out there that need a loving home... I wonder if adopting an older child might be a good choice. I don't think I'd feel like i was missing out on the baby years, since I dont' want them anyway....and I know a lot of parents WOULD feel that way and thus wouldn't adopt an older child so maybe i'd be helping a child that otherwise wouldn't be helped. If that makes any sense.I know its not all fun and games, but when anyone daydreams about the joy of being a parent, i doubt those daydreams include poopy diapers and screaming toddlers...right? lol...unless I'm really not cut out for this!

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

I've worked with two agencies who do all-age adoptions, so I can offer that perspective at least. FI's cousin and sister also are licensed foster parents. Generally speaking, if a child is being placed for adoption after infancy, it's because something pretty bad happened in their family. They are going to have some issues to work through and deal with. It's very likely that they will also have gone through the foster care system. The agencies I worked for required that our adoptive parents first be foster parents and care for their prospective children first as foster parents. It can be an incredibly frustrating process (FI's cousin and his wife have gone through it for 7 years). They have gone through at least 3 times where the foster child was placed in long-term care with them for over a year, and then taken away because of parental rights or some other glitch in the adoption system. When you're planning on being a parent to a child for the rest of their lives and they get ripped away, it's extremely traumatic (I'm sure you can imagine).Foster children sometimes have some very serious issues to work through. Foster children often believe the reason they were taken from their homes was their fault, not the parents. And if the parents voluntarily give up rights, I'm sure you can imagine what that says to the child. FI's sister has foster children (4 right now, all ages) and they're all going through those issues to varying degrees. Some have behavior issues. Some have emotional issues. The oldest one has been caring for her siblings for a long time and doesn't deal well with another authority coming into their lives and caring for them. I'm not trying to talk you out of doing this, I just want to give you an accurate picture of what may happen. It may be the picture you have in your head (particularly if you get them young enough that they don't remember their birth parents), but the more likely scenario is that it isn't going to be pretty and happy, even a majority of the time, for awhile. I think it takes an exceptionally special person to want to adopt any child who isn't an infant because they're willing to take on some of the emotional issues that these children often come with.Good luck! I think it's an incredible thing that you're considering

salt78

[i]I know its not all fun and games, but when anyone daydreams about the joy of being a parent, i doubt those daydreams include poopy diapers and screaming toddlers..[/i] No, but I wouldn't want to skip over that part either. I figure it's all part of the experience.

SarahnVinny

My best friend and her  three year old son just spent two days at my house and when they left, I looked around and my house was in shambles! That child rearranged my entire house in a matter of 2 days! I have a lot of experience with family adoptions. Many of my Aunts and Uncles have adopted children. Those that adopted "older" kids had an easier time then those wanting babies. The process for all was long and drawn out and at many times heart breaking. .I dont mean to sound rude, but I just dont think your reasons for wanting a child are reasonable. It is not fun and games, baking cookies and playing with mommy and daddy are the oerks of parenthood. There is a lot more involved. 

jilybeans4

Vogt - thanks for all that information. I can't imagine how it would feel to have the child and then have them taken away...that is definitely something we would have to consider before going down that road. Lots to consider. I'm just starting even thinking about this so information is great!

danieliza1127

Yeah, what Vogt said is pretty much everything I was trying to say. 

SarahnVinny

perks*

ffmaid

I know a few people who have adopted kids or who were adopted as kids not babies. The older the kid is the easier it is to adopt a kid. But the first few years make a lot of difference in early education and long term phyciatric reprecussions. So if the kid is abused or druggy parents or other reasons why ending up in system as toddlers or older they are likely to have lifelong issues that are significant. Cute and cuddly healthy babbies get adopted right awy. Troubled drug addicted 17 year olds do not. There is a spectrum of kids wanting love and the warm guidance of a good home However parenting is not all decorating sugar cookies and playing with duplos it is also being up at night with a sick kid ect. Constant taking care of guiding and teaching a kid.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

I know messes and crying don't go away when they get older, but the communication between an older child and its parent is different than with a screaming baby who can't understand.This might be an accurate picture for a child who has been in a loving family for a long time, but the reality is that a lot of kids who are through the foster system at a young age aren't able to communicate well. They may be in a group situation where they can't get the kind of attention they require. Or it may be that they move between foster homes so often they can't develop a bond with their foster parents. When I worked at my first agency, we figured that each of our foster kids had gone through 18 foster homes by the time they were 15. I'm sure that varies from state to state, agency to agency. But the reality is that foster care doesn't last a long time in a lot of cases (FI's sister has been doing it for 6 months and has already had 9 children in her home). Communication to a lot of those kids involves yelling, screaming, crying, hurting themselves or others, destructive behavior, wetting their pants on purpose, throwing things, etc. In my opinion, that's much worse than a baby who cries when one of his needs needs to be met and stops when you meet it. You may be loving a child all you can and meeting every one of his needs and he still may throw an absolute fit just to get attention because he's never had anyone consistently show attention his whole life.Kids who haven't had attention also test their foster/adoptive parents. They'll be as bad as humanly possible just to see what it will take to get them to give up like their birth parents did. Not all kids are like that, of course (some kids will do anything in the world to please their parents so they don't get sent away), but these kids won't have a healthy sense of good behavior, effective communication, or what is right and wrong.

jackie8582

Although I think adopting an "older" child is a great idea. I think you want to for all the wrong reasons. Thinkgs don't get easier as they get older, there are just new bumps in the road. Crying, no sleep, and messiness just get traded for additude, worring when they are out, and still messy!

jilybeans4

Thanks Dani : ) I got that too. I know the examples of baking cookies and playing games are a huge over-simplification. I want to have a family... I just am trying to figure out how to get there. It is a terrible example, but I have had 2 dogs in my life. One I got as a puppy, and one as an adult. I love them both fiercely, but I am so happy i skipped over puppyhood with my second dog. I didn't miss the pooping on the floor, excessive barking, and craziness of a puppy. I loved my puppy...but I love my (2 years old at the time) dog just as much. Not only that, but I have found that adopting him and giving him a home is SO rewarding... I am thankful every day that I found this dog who is so deserving of my love and am able to love and care for him the way he should have been all along. I know it is not the same...but this is what I think of when I imagine adopting a little bit older child. That the parts I don't care to do will be over...but the love and family that I want to share with a child will still be there, with a child that may not have found that otherwise. I could be totally off base though...parenthood is still a somewhat new consideration for me (and DH for that matter).

SarahnVinny

jilybean* your heart is definately in the right place and i think it is a great thing you are exploring. I hope everything works out for you and given the time (which I think you need to figure things out) you will be a great Mom. Goodluck*

aggiebug

My sister adopted a little girl from Russia, when they finally got her she was almost 2 years old.  At first she was quiet and a sad little child, she would not let my sister out of her site for the first month or so.  Now she is a sweet little terror, she has had no issues (beyond language) with adapting to her new family. I know it is different here, but I would think that it if anything they will be healthier and not as far behind other kids their age.  I have also had a family friend that adopted a 5yr old from China who had pretty much the same experiences.My niece never had a family so it was adjusting to a new way of life, not just a new family unit, but it was easy because she got a lot more attention and was immdeiately loved and cared for.  Here with foster parents you may have a little trouble with the attachment issues, but kids at that age are so resilient and just want to be loved and feel safe.   My sister was adopted and I have 2 adopted cousins so my side of the family was so accepting of the situation and did not hesitate with my niece.  My sister's-ILs have never had an adopted child experience and were a little hesitant about it.  I am not sure what made them so cautions, it was almost like they were afraid knowing her would hurt her or my sister's family(weird I know), but now everyone has settled down and she is no different than her brothers (except she is the only girl and spoiled ROTTEN!)  I have thought about adoption myself because I know how special my sister is to me and my family, but I also know my FI would rather try the natural way first which I am fine with.  Who knows I wouldn't mind a blended type family either.I know this is you just testing the water and looking for different ways to start a family, but even if you get them at age 5 you will have a lot of struggles and battles of will, crying, puking, breaking your things,snotty noses to deal with.  The memories you will look back on are the ones where you are playing together or baking cookies etc, but they will be interspersed in a lot of day to day fussing and adapting of your schedule to accomodate THEM.  Children are all hardwork at any age, they type of work just changes.  My mom always said that it took a lot more of her time and  sleep when we got into Jr high and HS. I will completly agree with you that there are some older children wanting to be loved and have a family, and I applaud you at looking into it.  So many people have the fears you have, which is why they prefer to adopt infants.  Good luck and make sure you do some research before you choose someone to help you with the adoption process.

ac_in_dc

Jily, now imagine adopting a dog at like 10-12 months of age that has been abused and neglected its whole life. Still hyper like a puppy without the benefit of early training.Probably a better analogy for you here...

jessiegirl_98

I am a psychologist and work mainly with children in foster care/who have been adopted. First, from a parenting perspective, parenting a child who has been adopted at an older age rather than an infant, is not going to be easier. You have to deal with the trauma that got them to be adoptable in the first place, whether that is neglect, abuse, parent death, etc. Plus, by the time they get to you, most of them have trauma from being in the foster care system. Second, from a psychological perspective, yes, many of these children have issues. If you can imagine, you could be the most resilient person ever and adoption at an older age would be a somewhat traumatic experience. That being said, this does not mean that you shouldn't consider adopting an older child, as many of these kids are absolutely wonderful and just need a loving home. Also, yes, it is much easier (from a logistical perspective) to adopt an older child as most people want babies. Actually, to be honest, most people want healthy, caucasian babies (not my opinion, there is research on this). If you are willing to take a child that is not white and possibly has health or psychological issues, it really wouldn't be hard. All of this being said, you really need to think about this. I was working with a 3 year old who couldn't be left in a room alone or she would break everything in site (even when her foster mom went to the bathroom) and would often hurt herself. Just because they are a bit older, doesn't mean it will be easier. I think you're heart may be in the right place, but there are a lot of things that you need to consider. Chances are if you can't handle (or don't want to handle) a baby, you wouldn't be a great fit for an older child who will have much bigger issues.

jilybeans4

Well, my adult dog didn't come without problems. He knew not to poop on the floor, but he also was very weary of strangers and would bark at and/or nip someone coming in the door. He still is terrible on a leash and is terrified of thunderstorms. He keeps me up all night when there are thunderstorms, breathing his smelly dog breath right in my face because only his mom can make him calm down when he hears thunder. He had mange, a staph infection, and worms when we got him. It took many medications and lots of patience to get him healthy. He wasn't a happy, well adjusted purebred when he walked in the door, but seeing him blossom from an underweight and timid dog to a rolley poley sweetheart (who is still timid, but now welcomes guests into the house) over the last 2 years has been a joy. There is work involved, but its been worth it. I wonder if it would be similar with a human child.

ac_in_dc

Well, no matter how this works out, good luck with your research. I admire your desire to raise a child from toddlerhood...good luck!

jessiegirl_98

I'm sure a human child would be more fulfilling, but also about 1 billion times more work. BTW, I've worked with 8 year olds who peed in fish tanks and smear poo on walls. It's not all roses and you need to prepared.