Possibly controversial...

andyandhillary

I was talking with a friend the other day about people getting married in places of worship that they do not believe/participate in.  What do you think of this?Just recently I realized that it somewhat offends me when people get married in churches when they will not say if they are "Christian" or not.  I'm not saying everyone needs to profess their faith and there is no real way to prevent this without prying into the very personal relationship people have with higher beings, but it bothers me.  I have one friend who insults Christianity frequently and rips on anyone who is religious and yet where does she want to get married?  A church.  I feel like there are certain places that deserve respect.  Memorials, cemeteries, places of worship, etc.  Anyone else feel like this?  (P.S. I'm posting and running but I'll write back tomorrow morning!)

Ciaram22

I really don't care what a persons beliefs are and where they get married. If you are not religious you can have your ceremony in a church if that is what you want. Who really cares. Yes maybe they deserve respect but you can't ask someone who isn't of that religion or belief system to respect something that they don't believe in.I didn't get married in a church but if I had I'm not religious and have only been to church a handful of times in my life.

MissSarah786

Tim and I don't follow a religion, so we did not get married in a church. Our ceremony was performed by a mentor of ours and the only mention of religion was from my grandmother who did a reading. Some people want that pretty wedding day, which often involves a church.

andyandhillary

I get that but as a Christian, if I found a temple I liked I would think it rude of myself to get married there.  And if you don't believe in anything at all, can't you respect the people who do?  Just as in return (though it rarely happens) you would expect them to respect your choice? 

brookelynpaisley

I personally would not be able to get married in a church - I simply don't believe. If DH were religious, we'd have to find a compromise. I don't understand why people would want to get married in a church when they have no attachment to religion. I certainly think it's weird that someone who is actually outright criticial of religion would marry in a church. I guess some girls just have that vision for their pretty princess day.

tidetravel

I'm not Christian, so I didn't get married in a church. I think it's kind of a slap in the face if someone not of a particular faith chooses to get married in a church. Churches are not backdrops for pretty pictures, nor are they there to provide cheap indoor seating for your ceremony.

mandysmear

I got married in an old mansion because I didn't feel right about getting married in a church.  However I also didn't want to get married in a hall or banquet room either.  To me, it's just a building.  But, I am not religious.  So to a religious person it's a house of worship and is sacred.

andyandhillary

"Churches are not backdrops for pretty pictures, nor are they there to provide cheap indoor seating for your ceremony."That is what I wanted to say but wasn't quite sure how.  Thanks!

amalama

I can see how it would be kind of disrespectful, but I honestly don't think I would pay that much attention.Also, people can be religious without belonging to a particular church or attending church. I don't assume that I know how each of my friends feel about God, so if one of them that does not attend church wants to get married in one, then it may just be because they are religious and want that involved in their ceremony. I don't think any church would let you use their building and have a non-religious ceremony, so I don't understand why a not religous person would choose to do that. Obviously in the case of your friend, you do know that she is not religious, so that doesn't really apply to her. But I don't know if it would offend me so much as I just think it is kind of silly.

qwerty777

I was raised Catholic but no longer believe anything anymore.  We were looking at getting married in a church (FI is atheist, as are his parents and sister) but we decided against it.  The only reason we were going to is because my parents and all of my aunts and uncles are Catholic, and I know my parents are disappointed that I'm not getting married in a church, even though they know I never attend mass anymore, nor do I believe in anything related to Christianity.

anna.oskar

My church only allows members to be married in the sanctuary.  Non-members from affiliate churches are allowed to use the small side chapel.  I also do not understand the posts I read about people "shopping" for a church.  Yes, my church is beautiful.  But it is also where I was baptized, and where my parents and grandparents were married.  Even if it was the trashiest church in town, I'd still be getting married there because of what it means to me and my family.

tidetravel

Amalama - IMO there's a difference between being religious, but not practicing, and not religious at all. Unfortunately, I've seen quite a few posts on these boards about people who are looking for a church for their wedding, but don't know where to go, since they don't belong to a church and aren't of a specific religion. And THEN they get upset when churches won't marry them, because they aren't of that faith. Which leads me back to visions of a pretty princess day.

amalama

Anna-The only church I have ever belonged to is in my tiny hometown, and would probably seat less than 100. BF does belonged to a church here, but I really don't like it. Now granted we haven't actually nailed any of this down because we aren't engaged yet, but I assume that we will get married where we live now, so my church is out. And I would really rather not get married at his church (and his is Catholic, which I also don't know if we will do) but we will want a religious wedding. And it is important to him to actually get married in a church (Catholic or not), not just have a religious ceremony somewhere else. So we will probably end up "church shopping". But for us it will probably be more like "pastor shopping" than looking for a pretty building.

amalama

Tide-I agree there is a difference, but I am saying that with some of my friends, I may not know which one it is. So I wouldn't get offended about them wanting a church wedding because they may be religious and just not practicing. Sorry, I don't think I am explaining myself well.

anna.oskar

amalama: actual church shopping is awesome.  If you are honestly looking for a place to call "your church" it is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.  My church would embrace you.  Because you're not looking for just a backdrop for your wedding.

lyndausvi

DH and I were both brought up Catholic.  We choose not to get married in the Catholic church because WE have not embraced the religion after leaving home and thought it was hypocritical of us to get married 'just because'Oddly enough my MIL who has been divorced twice was more upset than my parents who have been married 40 years and goes to church every sunday.  Go figureIf we have children DH really want them to be baptized in the church.  I think I do also, but struggle on the reasons why

mmdpm

Any place can be sacred to people of a given faith.  Have some Wiccan friends who were married in a pine grove, friends married in banquet halls, married at home, in a church, etc.  But to get married in church or place that is held sacred by any given faith just so you can have your pretty princess pictures is disrespectful.Find a venue that is representative of you as a couple or in your faith if you so choose, but don't pick a place that you don't believe in for the aesthetic value or free seating.

thesuninherhead

I would never get married in a church, or any other place of faith, if I did not share the faith. It defeats the purpose (not to mention, there are plenty of 'chapels' that are purpose built for weddings and not tied to a particular religion for those people who may want the feeling of a chapel wedding without the religion.

nda_roxybabe

I realize this sounds silly and makes little sense but...It would bug me if someone who does not believe/ participate wanted to get married in a church I was a member of. Now, if they wanted to get married in some church I had no affiliation with it would not bug me.I think if it really matters to a church though they should have it so you can not get married there unless you're a member.

denialante

Ditto qwerty777. It's hard to understand the extreme pressure to get married in a church from parents and extended family. I was raised Catholic too, but both me and my FI are atheists, and although my parents are pretty much aware of this, they tend to ignore this little fact and turn their heads. They want to do what is "right" and what has been done for everyone else. It might sound bad but I don't care either way, and I would get married in the church, but my FI refuses to do so. I don't think it is wrong, but to me, a church is just a building. I don't mean any disrespect by it, that's just how I feel.

Mrs_AF

I am not religous, but Fi was raised Catholic, went to Catholic grade school/high school and has never wanted to get married in a church. But I do plan on going through confirmation. So I guess I really have absolutely nothing to add to this conversation.Sorry.

lyndausvi

Oops.. I forgot to mention I find it offensive to get married in a church if you do not agree with the religion. As I said, I did not get married in 'my' church because I have not embraced them for a while.  I really dislike when other couples want the pretty princess wedding in 'my' church just because it's pretty and do not embrace it's physiology. I emphasize 'my' church, becuase even though I do not agree/support, whatever.... I do not want anyone to take advantage of them either.  Maybe in some way I do embrace them, who knows.? I just know I was felt bad taking my vows not knowing if I'm 100% on board. I really judge others who feel the same way and yet pretend.  

amalama

See I think the parents thing isn't a valid excuse. I understand feeling pressure, but like I said, a wedding in a church is generally a religious ceremony too. I don't understand having a wedding ceremony you don't believe in, and that is definitely not the thing I would choose to compromise with my parents on.

tidetravel

I understand the family pressure, but if I felt strongly about my belief system I would never compromise those beliefs for someone else - even family. DH and I are pagan. Dad wanted us to get married in a unitarian church, because that is what he and my mom did (he's catholic, mom's jewish) - apparently, they accept "everyone.." He was informed very quickly that we aren't Christian, therefore, will not be having a Christian ceremony. He then asked what he was going to tell his sister, since she's super Catholic. Because he couldn't possibly tell her that it was a "Pagan" wedding. I told him that if she chooses to come, I would expect her to respect our beliefs as she would if she attended any other wedding that was not of her faith.

anna.oskar

My church has one heck of required premarital counsel/classes requirement. It definitely makes you have to work before you can get married there.  I can't imagine anyone putting up with all that if they didn't believe in the faith.

tenofcups4me

I was really surprised when DH told me that his first wedding was in a church since he's pretty vehemently against organized religion. But he got married right out of college and as he puts it, "I didn't even think about it then. It was just what people did." That's not to excuse him -- seems to me it's something that people should think about, but I kind of get where he was coming from. I know for certain he would never even consider it now.

Simply Fated

As anna said.. many places of faith will have the couple go through marriage counseling before allowing the couple to be married there. My friends actually were turned away from a  church because they weren't going to their sessions. They ended up getting married in a beautiful church the groom's family was familiar with and had a very kind preacher. That's the thing, though. Besides the church being amazingly gorgeous, the preacher was amazingly kind, not to mention funny. It would have been a shame if he hadn't been able to do the wedding. The actual location seemed insignificant in the grander scheme of things.I do, however, think it's sort-of... well... I don't want to use the word silly, but I can't think of a better word right now so I won't use any word. But I do hope no one lets their parents pressure them into marrying inside a place of worship they do not feel comfortable being married in. Not only does it make a mockery of the church, but it isn't somethng you should ever have to compromise on. Compromising chicken for fish or having *gasp* an uneven bridal party is one thing.. but to go against your faith.. your beliefs... I mean, I can't even imagine that.

kmmssg

Churches are not backdrops for pretty pictures, nor are they there to provide cheap indoor seating for your ceremony.This.  I find it very offensive when a couple who would never set foot in a church for regular worship services starts shopping for the pretty photo backdrop.  I am Christian and I'm not just talking about Christian churches, I'm talking about any faith's place of worship.What really gets me is when I see a post from a bride who is church shopping and is appalled that she has to pay for the church because, "shouldn't this Christian church want to marry us?  Why do they need to charge to much?"  Oh...I don't know - liability insurance, wear and tear on the physical structure itself, maintenance, etc.

dianenjnj

andyandhillaryi understand where you are coming from.  probably there are many reasons people do this.  some  use the church as a "backdrop"...that's the kind i find most offensive.  others do it out of respect for their parents, fi, etc.  not so bad in my book.

dsouldiva

I agree, for me (Christian) I would never consider getting married in a non-religious setting (which, in the UK is often much cheaper) because I don't think marriage is a contract the government has a right to hand out.  So it would be a church or nothing.That said, I've never sat and wondered about the religious beliefs of people getting married in a church, if the vicar/priest is happy to marry them then it's not really my place to judge.Equally I don't think someone's marriage is worth less if it's not a religious ceremony, it just wouldn't work for me.

lyndausvi

because I don't think marriage is a contract the government has a right to hand out. So it would be a church or nothing.So if someone is not religious you do not think they should be able to marry?