How etiquette works - long rant

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Etiquette is dictated by society. Just because you don't realize that something is tacky, or because you are personally not offended by it, or because you should be able to get away with whatever makes you happy on your "special day" does NOT make it okay. You don't get to decide that something isn't rude or tacky when it is. People will still talk. Even if tacky crap is okay in your particular family or area, not all your guests (probably) will be immediate family or from your area. Example:Personally, I would not care how it looks or if someone thought it was 'tacky.' It's your day, do whatever you want! Your family and friends who love you will surely understand. (And, for what it's worth, I don't think it is tacky at all. I think it makes perfect sense and if someone in my family did it, I would be perfectly ok with it.)This from a girl who is having 2 wedding receptions - one for the people who aren't invited to the wedding.I read a similar sentiment from a girl who is considering firing her MOH (who is her sister). Sorry, I don't really respect anything you say when you ask how to fire a BM. In fact, I don't think you know anything about etiquette. Sorry, I know I'm preaching to the choir, here. I just can't go on any board that's not P&E anymore.

banana468

And unfortunately some people are aware of etiquette but think that OMG this is totally different this time and this is why OMG she needs to be fired!!!ONE!!

banana468

I see I'm no longer siggy quote worthy :-P

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Haha, yes. The girl who posted about doing something tack-tastic on my month board also responded to me with "but, but, but I'm doing it specifically like THIS so you misunderstood. Everyone I know does it so it's totally fine."And my response was, "And... this is what I still think about that. I hardly think I'm alone. I'm just telling you a different way people will look at it." Plus, you know, public message board and all that.

isnatural4me

I'm conflicted about this post. I agree that two receptions is ridiculous, esp. for the reason given. I also agree that "firing" a BM is not a great idea b/c ur not paying them. But, it is sometimes necessary to rid your life of someone(s) who are making life difficult for you. Tacky is an overused word and it is truly in the eye of the beholder. What's tacky in NY is not necessarily tacky in Wyoming. YOu seem like you're on a high horse. BTW, what the hell is that stuff about facebook supposed to mean? people who use facebook are idiots?

tidetravel

Of course you can go on other boards.  Of course, you'll just be written off as a biitch and no one will listen to what you have to say, but...

banana468

I agree tacky isn't the right word. How about completely inappropriate?

carrieoz_76

Forever ruined by P&E.  Me too! I am totally offended for a friend who was invited to her friend's AHR - which is at 6pm, and they're not serving dinner (apps only).  The bride is not poor - just cheap.  We talk often about how rude it is to invite ppl to a party at dinnertime and not serve dinner.Close friends and family DO care how you treat them, and they DO talk - just not to the bride's face.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

a) The post is in general, though it was inspired by several things I read on another board this morning, ONE of which was trying to fire a MOH who was the girl's sister. You can't exactly get rid of immediate family.b) It's a quote NuggetBrain said during one of the facebook posts. If you've been here long enough, you'll see that people post rants about TMI facebook statuses, etc, every few days. I use facebook. I don't abuse it.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

What's tacky in NY is not necessarily tacky in Wyoming.While I agree to a certain extent, there are things across the board that would be wildly inappropriate in either place, like a BYOB reception, paying an entrance fee to a wedding, or enclosing registry cards in an invitation, among many, many other things.And that was my whole point.

tidetravel

BTW, what the hell is that stuff about facebook supposed to mean?DED.Yeah, MeryMac - are you trying to say people who use FB are idiots?  Or maybe the idiots are people who don't understand "quotes" and sarcasm.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Hijacking my own thread:Stage - WTF is a personal attendant? The wedding I went to last week had 2. I figured it was a way to "include" people who you didn't want to put in the wedding party for whatever reason. Maybe they help the bride with her makeup? The bride also owns a hair salon, so I thought maybe they helped her with her hair? If they had been kids I would have thought they were the people who hold up the dress train or something. FI asked me about it and I really didn't know.But it seems weird to ask someone to have any kind of job for your wedding - like "Oh hey, why not do my makeup for free and I'll put you in the program."

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Yup, Tide. Across the board. All 25 million people who use facebook are morons. No exceptions!

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

But, it is sometimes necessary to rid your life of someone(s) who are making life difficult for you. Tacky is an overused word and it is truly in the eye of the beholder. What's tacky in NY is not necessarily tacky in Wyoming. This is why we tell people not to pick their bridal party too early, or pick people they "have" to pick. How would you feel if someone asked you to step down from what is supposed to be an honor? I know I'd be crushed if one of my "friends" asked me to do that. And tacky (or not tacky) is not the same thing as proper etiquette. For example, dollar dances are not tacky here. That doesn't mean they follow proper etiquette. It is not polite to ask your guests for money. Did I get shiit for not having a dollar dance because they're so common here? Yup, sure did. But I wasn't about to force my guests to pay for the chance to dance with me.

Kati0105

I don't really get the "in my area" defense either.  In the past year I've been to weddings in LA, NYC, Charlotte, and Austin so I think assuming that people only attend weddings in one specific area of the country is a bit shortsighted.  More than half of our guests will likely be OOT so if we were to do something acceptable only in LA (not sure what this would be, but hypothetically) we'd still be risking offending 50% of our guests.

carrieoz_76

Instead of calling them personal attendants, I think I'll call mine ladies-in-waiting.  To show how much I honor them.  I think they'll love it.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

What's tacky in NY is not necessarily tacky in Wyoming.Not from Wyoming, but why is this the go-to tacky state lately? Etiquette is a pretty universal concept. Be thoughtful and respectful of your guests, under every circumstance. Yup...translates pretty well, even to us backwood, country folk.

tidetravel

But, it is sometimes necessary to rid your life of someone(s) who are making life difficult for youFYI, Natural, the only acceptable reason to fire a BM is if she is committing an act or multiple acts, that are SO terrible that under any other circumstances, you would end the friendship.  Not attending parties or not going dress shopping w/ the bride are not friendship ending moves, and are thus, not "fireable" offenses.

isnatural4me

While I agree to a certain extent, there are things across the board that would be wildly inappropriate in either place, like a BYOB reception, paying an entrance fee to a wedding...Agreed!!! and I hope those weren't things you've heard of people doing.BTW, Tide and others. Re: the facebook quote - blow me. I come on the knot when i have some down time so no i didn't read the facebook thing. I don't know how so many of you manage to be on here 24-7, but I have a job and a wedding to plan so forgive me for not always jumping on every newbie to the knot and insulting everyone's intelligence, manners, or tastes.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Also, the girl I saw post about firing her MOH/sister wanted to do so because her sister holds grudges, made her uncomfortable at her baby shower by holding a grudge, and she's afraid the sister will be giving her the stink-eye in her wedding photos. Her wedding is a year away. Her sister will clearly be at her wedding and in her photos, MOH or not.

tidetravel

Instead of calling them personal attendants, I think I'll call mine ladies-in-waitingI like brideslaves.

ExpatPumpkin

I'm annoyed by people who think etiquette is a set of hoity-toity rules to be followed by the pretentious only... And that because they're so "down to earth" they don't have to follow such rules. Etiquette is simply a code of conduct that ensures everyone's comfort. That's it. It's not about being traditional or pretentious. It's about caring about the comfort of the people around you. In the context of a wedding, it's about be a good hostess.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

BTW, Tide and others. Re: the facebook quote - blow me. I come on the knot when i have some down time so no i didn't read the facebook thing. I don't know how so many of you manage to be on here 24-7, but I have a job and a wedding to plan so forgive me for not always jumping on every newbie to the knot and insulting everyone's intelligence, manners, or tastes. Yeah, that's an excellent display of manners, telling someone to blow you. Kudos.

carrieoz_76

BTW, Tide and others. Re: the facebook quote Seriously you don't have to be on p&e all the time to understand a simile in a sentence similar to an SAT questions.  Pretty basic language skills should have helped you to understand it.

glam70s

What's tacky in NY is not necessarily tacky in Wyoming. My thoughts exactly. I think it also varies according to social circles. I think there are basic things that stay the same in every locale and society (e.g. treat your guests with respect!), but the details can vary widely (cash bar vs. open bar, for example).I think etiquette is a great tool and provides some guidance for those who really don't know what's socially acceptable. But I think that's all it is - guidance, not hard and fast rules. Since opinions on etiquette vary so much, I don't see how anyone could be expected to always follow it. Particularly when the varying opinions are found on the internet coming from people you don't know. Sure, ask for advice, but take it with a grain of salt. The old saying "You can't make everyone happy!" comes to mind.

eastunder1

Sometimes the "omg you can't fire a bridesmaid, ever!!" tunnel vision gets out of control here and that totally cracks my sh*t up when it does.  "This BM hasn't returned my phone calls in three months.  I feel like I don't know them anymore and I don't even want to continue the friendship, can I take her out??"  "Well you should have thought of that!!!  Youre stuck with her now!!!  You'll just have to have someone who doesn't even like you anymore in your wedding party because you asked them omg!!!"   Umm... or.....no?  Hi, common sense.  Sometimes relationships do die off or end, even during *gasp* wedding planing.  Sometimes it is appropriate to sever ties with a BM if neither party wants much to do with the other one anymore.  Three cheers for canned P&E responses.

louisvillebride21

Stage, isn't that what the MOH or mom is 'supposed' to do?

isnatural4me

I am not disagreeing. I think being ridiculous is unacceptable. Based on the story of "firing" the sister over stink eyees---that's just crazy and dumb. But, some people are unreasonable and there are circumstances where you have to do stuff that makes you and others uncomfortable. As for the tacky thing. Dollar dances and inserts of registry info are the norm and expected not only in some regions but in cultures. MY family is caribbean where we have a $1 wine song. I don't give a hot damn about it, but if i played it - perhaps a few of my American friends and FI's fam might raise an eyebrow, but my family wouldn't care. In fact, they will probably remark if its not played. So my point being stop assuming that what is inappropriate for you and those in your circle is inapprpropriate universally.

future-weddedbliss

MeryMac - While I agree with everything that you say, I find you very annoying. You have this air about you like you think you're better that everyone else. It's like you point out other people's flaws just so that we will know how perfect you are. Get over yourself.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

What's tacky in NY is not necessarily tacky in Wyoming. My thoughts exactly. I think it also varies according to social circles. I think there are basic things that stay the same in every locale and society (e.g. treat your guests with respect!), but the details can vary widely (cash bar vs. open bar, for example).I think etiquette is a great tool and provides some guidance for those who really don't know what's socially acceptable. But I think that's all it is - guidance, not hard and fast rules. Since opinions on etiquette vary so much, I don't see how anyone could be expected to always follow it. Particularly when the varying opinions are found on the internet coming from people you don't know. Sure, ask for advice, but take it with a grain of salt. The old saying "You can't make everyone happy!" comes to mind. Wrong. Etiquette does have rules to follow. And the idea isn't to keep people happy, it's to make them comfortable. You're right, you can't make everyone happy, but you can make sure they're respected, comfortable, and hosted properly. I will say it again: what is acceptable is DIFFERENT than what is proper etiquette. Just because you do something ridiculous that is accepted by people in your circle does not mean that you are being courteous.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Stage - the only one I'd feel comfortable ordering to do that stuff for me would be my mom. ;-) I think she'd volunteer anyway. No one came in behind the bride at this wedding.Glam - I'm also of the opinion that stating something is rude/tacky/not proper etiquette on a public message board is more kind than having someone be uniformed, go through with it anyway, and then have people talk behind her back. If she does go through with it - well, at least she's been told some people could take it the wrong way. I also don't think it's worth getting your panties in a bunch over the opinion of internet strangers.But I do hope that maybe, just maybe, a little seed of doubt will begin to appear and that maybe at a later date said poster will begin to question her action/decision. Maybe.