Worth a fight?

MidniteSun383

This is going to sound really stupid.  And it is.  My mom and I are fighting over the wedding cake.  My parents are being very very generous and paying for the whole wedding, but have said that if FI and I want things that are more than they want to spend that we'll have to pay.  Which I am absolutely totally fine with.  There is a well known local bakery that makes the most amazing carrot cake that both FI and I love.  It's $665.  My mom thinks that it's good, but way too expensive and we should go someplace else.  We've tried a number of other places and I just don't like the others as well.  From the beginning, I said that I cared about 1. the dress, 2. the cake, and 3. that there is bus so there's no drunk driving and then pretty much gave in to her every suggestion, because she's so excited and loves planning.  She's planned EVERYTHING else-not what I would pick, but all lovely things.  She's already not speaking to me becaue this morning I said I was willing to try other cakes, but I really wanted the one we had already found.  Is it worth it or should I continue to be a doormat?

wadingmoose

Pay for it yourself.  Isn't that the deal?

salt78

Carrot cake makes me want to hurl.

ac_in_dc

My parents are being very very generous and paying for the whole wedding, but have said that if FI and I want things that are more than they want to spend that we'll have to pay.So why don't you just offer to pay for the cake...say this is something you really care about and would like to have control over?Sounds like there's more going on, though, if your mom isn't speaking to you over this...

MidniteSun383

I've suggested paying for it myself.  She won't let me.  Her thought seems to be that what she's willing to pay for should be "good enough" for me.  Maybe she's right, but I'd really like to have the wedding cake that I want.  Maybe I'm being selfish.

tidetravel

Please re-read your post, with special emphasis on this: but have said that if FI and I want things that are more than they want to spend that we'll have to pay.What, exactly, is the problem here?

georgia_bride09

I would offer your guests another choice; everyone doesn't eat carrot cake. Maybe throw in a butter cake layer. If you want the $665 cake, pay for it.

becs11048

Have you tried to offer to pay for the entire cake as your contribution to the wedding, if you are paying it doesn't seem reasonable for her to be upset by it

laurenclaire1386

If you're willing to pay for the cake, then I don't see why she's upset.

anna.oskar

I like carrot cake.  Not enough to spend $665 on it. If mom's paid for everything else, just pay for the cake yoourself since it's important to you.

MidniteSun383

sorry ladies!  I forgot to mention that I've repeatedly offered to pay for the cake (or anything else they felt was too expensive).  They keep saying no.  But also not letting me order what I want.  I feel like I'm 12 right now.And I know some people hate carrot cake, we're also having ice cream sundaes.

tidetravel

"Mom, FI and I really appreciate everything that you have done for us with respect to the wedding.  At the beginning of the planning, you said that if there was something that we wanted that was more than you were willing to spend, that we would have to pay for it.  I love this cake, and having it as our wedding cake is very important to us.  I understand that you think it is too much to spend on cake, which is why we are fully prepared to pay for it ourselves."

ricksang

Pay for the cake. Done and done.

MidniteSun383

tide-that's awesome advice.  I already tried it.  She got really snippy with me and said that I should try more cakes.

laurenclaire1386

She can't keep you from buying the cake.  If you pay for it, there's not a damn thing she can do, but be mad about it.  So I guess it comes down to what's more important: keeping your mom happy or having the cake you want.

Kati0105

I'm in the same situation with my mom.  She is hosting the wedding but has some different priorities/ideas than FI and I.  FI offered to pay for a few things himself, which she took as a slap in the face.  I can see where she is coming from, though, as there is a difference in her mind between hosting our wedding (and paying for everything) versus just giving us a lump sum towards our wedding.  I'm just trying my best to compromise with her and make sure we are both ok with all decisions.

ricksang

I am not buying this story. There has to be more to it.

SwedishChick2011

I understand how you feel.  DH and I paid for most of our wedding, but both sets of parents still wanted some things a certain way.  For example, my mom had a fit over my dress because she thought it was too low cut (which it wasn't).  And I was like, "sorry mom, but I paid for it, and it's going to be what I want."  Parents can be really unreasonable sometimes.

georgia_bride09

And I know some people hate carrot cake, we're also having ice cream sundaes.Honestly, as a guest, I would not eat dessert and I'm a dessert person. I prefer cake at weddings; I would really offer another choice of cake with the carrot.As for your parents not LETTING you pay for the cake: do they control your bank account? As an adult, you should be able to spend your money as you see fit. How old are you?  

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Why don't you get a small carrot cake for the groom's cake (which should be much cheaper) and get a less expensive cake for the big one you'll serve to guests?

eastunder1

"Mom, I am dead set on this cake.  This will be my wedding cake.  I respect that you don't love it, so I will pay for it myself. "  

MidniteSun383

Laurenclaire-  You're absolutely right.  I was just hoping to be able to have both.  Thanks!Kati-  I've done really well with compromising until this, for the most part I've just let her do whatever she wants.  But now it's become a thing of principle.  Maybe I should give in-at least I got the dress and the bus. 

eastunder1

Ditto whoever else said there has to be more to the story than this.  

tidetravel

I have a feeling this isn't the first thing she's steam-rolled you into, and it won't be the last.  Unfortunately, $ = strings.  The only way to avoid this is to pay for the wedding yourselves.Is turning down their money an option?  Personally, I would rather cut what I needed and pay for the wedding that I want, rather than have a wedding financed by others that's nothing along the lines of my vision.Perhaps she thinks you are bluffing?  I would stand your ground, and if it were me, I would make an issue over this.  (simply because standing up now means less issues in the future).  Just be prepared for any backlash that may come out of it.  

louisvillebride21

I really, really, really hate when parents do this. I know I got extremely lucky in that my parents gave me a set amount of money and said 'have fun!'. The general consensus is that who pays-says, but I don't buy that. It is your wedding. If you want this damn cake and you're willing to pay for it yourself, then get your damn cake. You shouldn't have to settle for only having 2 things out of your (and your FI) wedding that you want. Its complete bullshiit in my book.

becs11048

I like the idea of having the carrot cake as a grooms cake You can say you are doing a cake for your FI as his surprise wedding gift, that way it is outside what your parents are paying for/deciding on As a guest, I would not be very excited about carrot cake and you want to keep in mind that if people can't handle dairy they won't be able to enjoy either of the desserts you are currently thinking of having, most can get away with traditional wedding cake

MidniteSun383

I'm 26.  And yes, I know I'm being a doormat.  For some reason, I let my parents walk all over me.  It's insane and I know it.  By not "letting" me, I mean that it's not what they want.  Of course I could go over to the bakery and put down a deposit, but it's only going to cause an even worse fight, because I decided to do it behind her back.  My mom is a very proper and traditional person who believes that the bride's parents should host and therefore pay for the entire wedding. 

ricksang

It's just cake and it shouldnot be this big of a god damn deal.

Kati0105

I also think you need to think about it like this (or at least this is what I told FI to try to help him understand): if you bought your FI a really nice watch that cost $200 and he said "wow, Midnite, while I appreciate the sentiment I'm going to return it and use the $200 get the $300 xbox I really want" wouldn't your feelings be hurt?  It's not an exact analogy obviously but I'm pretty sure this is how my mom (and yours from how it sounds) feels about us wanting to "upgrade" their generous contributions.

louisvillebride21

That came out way more emphatic than I meant it to. I do think that who pays gets a great deal of say in things, but my idea is that at the end of the day, you're the one getting married and you deserve to be happy with what's going on. My mom always says, "If you're going to sell the cow, you can't keep the milk". But others are right, if you're not getting anything you want, you should look into paying for things yourself.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

If not a groom's cake, maybe see if they could do a cupcake tower? Would that be cheaper? You could even alternate carrot cake and some other flavor of cupcake.