Parent issue

Jenn&Liam

Hello all,So, I have a rather sticky situation. My parents are divorced, and my father has remarried. All of this happened when I was in my mid-twenties, and I have only met his new wife once or twice. I have nothing in common with this woman, and her being at my wedding will only cause drama. He is refusing to attened unless she is invited; saying they are a "package deal".My fiance and I are paying for the wedding out of our own pocket, and I feel no obligation to pay for the 2 of them to show up while I foot the bill.My father and I have been estranged since the divorce, and we never had a great relationship. I feel like if he is choosing a woman he has know less than a decade over his own child, it is his loss. Thoughts, advice?

Brie2010

He's right.  As much as you don't like her, married couples are a social unit and it's really rude to only invite him.Also, just "having nothing in common with her" is not an offense worthy of not inviting your father's wife.  If she's abused you, then yeah, maybe make an exception.  But just not particularly liking her?  Suck it up and deal.

lyndausvi

Most people agree that married people are a package deal.  I'm sure you will feel the same once you are married.If you do not care about having your father there (and it seems like you don't).  Then just do not invite him.

crfische

He's right, you're wrong.

nda_roxybabe

You wouldn't be offended if I only invited you to my super, awesome party and not your FI? Suck it up and invite them both or live without inviting your father

squirrly

Agreed, he's right & you're wrong.  Why, exactly do you think her being at my wedding will only cause drama?

lpstl

Based upon what you've written, the only person causing drama is you.He's right.

lyndausvi

I'm assuming Dad had an affair and married the woman.  I could be wrong, but that is the only good reason I can think of why there would be drama and she has been estranged from her dad.If that is the case I get why she feels that way.   but it does not change my answer. 

tenofcups4me

Sounds like there's a whole long history here that probably affects the answer... like why have you only met your father's wife once or twice in a decade and been estranged since the divorce? Your father has a very valid point that it's wrong to invite him without her. On the other hand, it sounds like you're looking for a reason to not invite him anyway so there you go...

Princess_Gio

Normally I would agree that they are a package deal, but sometimes there are exeptiones to the rule. Maybe you should go out to lunch/dinner and explain to your father that you are really just consered that by her being there it will really put a damper on the day for not only you, but probably your mother as well. Something like this you just want to share with close family and friends and you want to make it as stress free as possable. If the issue is that you just don't want her there because you don't know/have nothing in common with her, well then you are stuck inviting her.

Jenn&Liam

I guess I should have included; he cheated on my mother with this woman, and I am MUCH closer to my mother than him. I really don't care if he is there or not. Also, this is a really small wedding and he is know for causing drama at events where I invite my mother...I guess I should have mentioned this in the first post...perhaps it does not make any difference... I guess I would feel more obligation to invite her if this were a larger wedding, he didn't cause drama, and I acutally had some sort of relationship with her(she had been a stepmom to me or something).

julezlee

If you don't want him there, then don't invite him. If he's known to cause drama and you invite him without his wife then he'll probably be even more inclined to cause drama.

lpstl

So, do you want validation for not inviting your father? Because it looks like that's your only alternative if you don't want to invite her.

ootmother2

Even under those circumstances, she is still your father's wife and if you invite him, you must invite her.You may choose not to invite him because of this but remember that he was an equal participant in the affair that lead to your parents divorce.  She didn't do it alone.

Simply Fated

You wouldn't invite one married person to your wedding and not their spouse. Your parents are not an exception to this rule. Most adults (most, not all) know how to behave at an event like a wedding. Any drama that you are worried about... well, you might be worried for nothing. Unless you are positive this woman will throw a champagne glass at your head during the ceremony, I'm pretty sure your wedding will be fairly safe from drama."I feel like if he is choosing a woman he has know less than a decade over his own child, it is his loss. "You make it sound like he's only known her for a few weeks or something... but a decade, even less than that, is a long time. Are we talking 8 years or two months?Even so, it doesn't matter. You need to suck it up and invite her... unless you really don't care if your dad attends. On one hand you sound upset that he isn't choosing you, but on the other hand...you are saying you never had a great relationship and have been estranged for awhile, anyway. If you really want him there, invite her.

Princess_Gio

Well now that I have seen that he was cheating on your mother with her, then absolutey do not invite her. If it were me then I would send an invite to him and him alone. If he has a problem with it oh well, if he shows alone then great, but no big deal if he doesn't.

lyndausvi

Well if he is the type to cause drama, wouldn't not having his wife there give him more ammo?You have a few optionsInvite them bothOnly invite him knowing he will not attendNot invite either of them.Only you can decide which is the best option.But I would have to agree with the wife.  I would not be  happy  if my DH picked his adult child over me.  Especially one who clearly does not want anything to do with me (even though it is a good reason).

ThePinkSuperhero

Dad's perfectly right- a married person shouldn't accept an invite where their spouse is being excluded.

squirrly

In light of that, I just wouldn't invite him.  If you do invite him, I think you have to invite her too, though.

niffycat

Oh, and I got some absolutely hysterical pictures of her making faces at me.

Jenn&Liam

Princess_Gio, Yes, it is a small intimate wedding, and I would like to have as little stress as possible. I am still on the fence as to if I want to even invite him. And yes, there is a long complicated history between he and I that is leading to my quandry...

crfische

Your options are twofold. 1) You invite dad and wife. 2) you invite neither. That's the end of this story and your options.

PreppySailor

I understand it may hurt your mom to have "the other woman" there. But it takes two people to cheat, a man and a woman. They're a social unit, does your mom want your dad to be there?

Jenn&Liam

Champ. Supernova, Yeah I guess I am a little worried about regeret on my part, but so far I have not regreted decisions I have made when it comes to him...so yeah. Simply Fated, I guess I am a little hurt(not suprised)that he is choosing her over me. It's nothing new, deep down I guess I just wish he would changed...even tho I know that's not going to happen.   Thanks for all of your thoughts and advice.

Princess_Gio

Personally I think that a wedding should be for mother and father (or someone that you felt was just like a mother or father). Even though you may be an adult now, they are still your parents. That is one thing that will not change. They are coming together to watch their baby grow up to start a family of their own. Bottom line is this is your wedding and you are paying for it. You and your FI are able to do whatever you want. Be nice and send your father an invite (addressed to him only). If he doesn't show, oh well. At least you will still be able to sleep at night knowing you did the right thing.

ootmother2

Gio, please stop giving her bad etiquette advice!OP, your choice, it's an all or none decision.

Brie2010

Bottom line is this is your wedding and you are paying for it. You and your FI are able to do whatever you want.Worst advice in the history of P&E.  So, at my wedding, I can go around murdering people?  Awesome.OP, be the bigger person.  And realize that it takes two to tango--it's not just this woman that broke up your parents' marriage.  Your dad fuucked her, too, so he's just as guilty as she is.Invite both or invite neither.  Period.

jessjo04

Your situation is not unique. Lots of people have evil stepmothers. My stepmother had my father tell me that I was second to her and always would be, when I was about 8 years old. She would scream at me for no reason, then yell at me for crying. Guess what? She was at my wedding, because I wanted my dad to be there. Suck it up and invite your dad and stepmother or invite neither.

skiingstark

My cousin who is like me sis since we are both only children went through this. Her Dad cheated and then married a women who was only a year older then her!! He would not come with out her and she finally decided she rather have her father walk down the aisle instead of not having the spoiled brat girl who happen to marry her dad. It caused huge drama the whole night. So much of the family was stressed out because we were putting out arguments left and right. It was very stressful and not fun at all. Since I did go through the above I now do believe under certain situations you have the right to not invite a both married people.  So you got to way the drama. Is it going into that night mare or will your families be mature.Maybe you can do a private dinner with you father after the wedding to celebrate it with him. If wont come without his wife. But in the end you will have to deiced him with the wife or no him.

leeshab1982

Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} The situation you described definitely stinks.  I see your reasons for being conflicted, but as others have said, you really only have two choices:  invite both of them or don't invite either of them.  Regardless of how they ended up together, they are married now.  Of course your dad is siding with her on this.  She's his wife and I'm sure we'd all expect our FI or DH to do the same.  You might consider thinking about the future and the chance that you might reconcile with your dad and have a better relationship with him down the road.  If so, you will probably regret not having him at your wedding.  It might be best to invite him and just have some close friends or people in your bridal party be on damage control.  If drama ensues, have them handle it.  At least that way you will not be the one that caused any of it.  If you don't invite him (or invite him without her), you will be at fault for any drama that occurs because of that.  I think your focus on the wedding day will be on your husband and your marriage and it'll be pretty easy to ignore any ridiculousness that your dad or his wife might cause.  I’m sorry you’re in this predicament.  I hope it all works out for you.

Jenn&Liam

Leeshab(sp?)Thanks so much for your objectivity. It has given me some much needed perspecitve.None of this process has been easy for me.