Parent issue

jasmineh7777

That is a really crappy situation. Still, you really shouldn't invite him without her.Weigh your options here. Is it really important to you that he be there? Would he be the one walking you down the aisle? (This sounds doubtful.)If it were me, I would not invite him if it would cause me stress and hurt my mother's feelings. Is it worth it to you to have him there and have to deal with his wife?Maybe you should talk to your mother about this, and other people who know the situation as well.

leeshab1982

You're welcome

sudslover

In a perfect world, you would be able to talk to your dad and share your feelings and the hurt you have been carrying.  Unfortunately your dad and his wife are a pair.  He doesn't have to walk you down the aisle, and he doesn't deserve a father-daughter dance.  But, somewhere down the road (maybe he will outlive his wife and your mom) and you will want a relationship with him.  Invite him and his wife.  No matter what, you will know that you did the right thing.  If you think there will be drama, have someone available to take care of it for you.  You have every right to have someone escorted away from your wedding or reception.  I wish you all the best.

CurlyQ284

"I would not be happy if my DH picked his adult child over me. Especially one who clearly does not want anything to do with me (even though it is a good reason)." This rubs me the wrong way. I am a stepmom and if for whatever reason, my SD didn't want me at her wedding, yeah that would suck and I'd probably be really upset, but would I ask my DH not to go to his daughters wedding because she hurt my feelings? NO!! That's his CHILD. Even if she is an adult, I couldn't deal with myself if I made DH miss his daughters wedding. Jenn, I think it could go either way, you may regret inviting them both to be polite, but you might regret having them both there. You'll only know in hindsight. It's a tough choice to make. How long have your parents been divorced? Is your mom over it, or is she still really hurt about it? I think that matters too. My aunt and uncle were divorced after 30 years of marriage (no cheating, just split) and I still invited my aunt and her new husband along with my uncle and his new wife. They were all over it and even sat at the same table.

thesuninherhead

He's not choosing her over you in this situation- you are the one who is putting the restrictions on his attendance, not her. Be the better person and invite them both.

thesuninherhead

(or, as fische says, invite neither. It is ridiculously beyond rude of you to only invite him when he is married, regardless of the circumstances of him getting together with his wife, and any arguments around making your mother uncomfortable aren't particularly valid when you'd be ok with having him there by himself- as though removing your stepmother would somehow make your mother comfortable with your father. You need to choose to either invite them both, or invite neither). You are the one who is putting him in the situation of him having to choose you or his wife, through inviting only him when you are aware they are married- this is not him 'choosing' her, it's him standing by his vows for her in not allowing them as a couple to be disrespected by your rude invitation. I would hope that if you and your FI were in the same position and your father invited only your FI, you would decline that invitation, too.)

jamm2019

I understand that you are upset about this whole situation, but what happened between your father, your mother, and this women is their own situation.  You can't hold grudges just because of this one incident 10 or so years ago, and you cant hold your mother's hand for the rest of her life.     In the future if you and your husband decide to have children you will want these people to be apart of their lives no matter what kind of relationship you had with them growing up.   Also your father should respect that it is your wedding day, and not cause drama.  I would maybe meet up with him over lunch without his wife and discuss what you are feeling.  My dad wasn't a big part of my life after my mother and he divorced, and he has done some pretty terrible things.  I still wanted him at my wedding...   Good luck with your decision...

banana468

Yes, your father is now a social unit with the wife.  Just as it's inappropriate for your FI to be invited to a wedding without you, it wouldn't be OK for you to invite your father without his wife.I can understand that what he did was awful but as OOT said, the other woman was an equal participant.  If you're going to start playing the blame game, do it equally.If you don't want him there then don't invite him.  However if you do want him there then he's invited with the wife.  Period.I'd be hurt too but as someone married, I know that my husband comes first - not our parents or our children.

dsouldiva

Whilst I would agree that married couples come as a package in this instance I disagree.  Step parents (especially those who have broken up a marriage through having an affair) should be prepared to step aside when step children get married, if their presence is going to bring uneccesary pain and suffering to all those involved (ex-partners, step children etc).I know people will disagree with me but my stance is, if you don't like it, don't have an affair with a married man/woman especially when there are kids involved.Although in this instance it sounds like your dad is the one not considering your or your mother's feelings, I would not invite either of them, especially if you're already estranged

lyndausvi

Step parents (especially those who have broken up a marriage through having an affair) should be prepared to step aside when step children get married, if their presence is going to bring uneccesary pain and suffering to all those involved (ex-partners, step children etc).What I do not get is it takes 2 to have an affair.  If the wife brings up painful memories why wouldn't the dad alone bring up the same memories?  Seeing as the dad is the one who actually broke up the family, he should be held more accountable than the other woman.

banana468

That's my take as well Lynda.  It isn't just ONE person in the affair.  If you want to send the message that what was done was not OK then write both of them off - not just the other woman.I think that logic is also VERY anti-woman.

lyndausvi

I agree Banana.  I think if you are able to forgive and/or at least want to continue a relationship with your father, than the least you can do is be civil to his wife. (That does not mean you have to be friends with this woman.)When we put more blame on the other woman we are really just transferring the blame from someone we love to someone we do not know.  Let's face it, it's easier to hate someone we do not know than someone we love.

banana468

I agree Lynda.I know we just had a similar discussion over on WP.   It's probably not uncommon to hate the 'other' woman or man but the parents are equal participants. 

dsouldiva

I'm not saying it doesn't take two to tango or that this woman is the scarlet woman and solely to blame, but the guy involved is the OPs Father, and no amount of cheating/arguing/or anything else will change that fact.The FOB's wife is nothing to the OP, the FOB is blood.It's a lose lose situation all round. Either she invites them both and upsets her mum and has to be a gracious host to someone she clearly doesn't care at all for, or she excludes them both.  I think it's about making the choice she feels happiest with and thinks she can live with.

banana468

Unfortunately though it's not just the OP who has to live with the choice.  Her dad's married now so even though it's her wedding reception, it's not just about how she feels.I won't argue that the situation is rather ugly all around - but it needs to be viewed from all angles - not just child's viewpoint.