Family Crap - Seriously?

squirrly

CN:  My family, while loving in their own weird way, is not supportive in a conventional way & my mom put me over the edge today.I am really, really frustrated with my family (mom, dad, little sister).  I feel like they don't care enough about me to EVER think how anything they say/do to me might feel.  Months ago, mom told me she just wanted to skip my birthday as a family get-together because she was so busy.  In 29 years, she's never skipped anybody's birthday.  When FI and I got engaged, my sister demanded to be the MOH.  I said I only wanted BMs, and she enlisted my mom and my grandmother to guilt trip me and demand, repeatedly, to be the MOH.  I eventually gave in, just to shut her up.  She said she wanted to help with stuff.  I asked her to get some info for me on buses (in July) by October.  She SCREAMED at me when I called her to ask about it last week.  She finally emailed me info today - she made 2 phone calls.  I asked my dad about helping me build an archway (outdoor ceremony), and he told me he had better things to do (he's very handy).  They live an hour from us.  We go down there about every other weekend to help with stuff, whatever they ask.  We recently just helped my sister move back in with my parents.  The last time they came up here to visit, they called me during a work day & asked me to take a 1/2 day of vacation to meet with them.  Prior to that - Christmas 2007.Our wedding is going to be in THEIR hometown.  And FI and I are paying for it.  His parents have offered to pay for the rehearsal.  My parents. . . have offered to show up at the wedding.  Mom randomly tells me if I need anything, just let her know.  But, if I mention anything I could use her help with, she's suddenly too busy.  Too busy to look at websites.  Too busy to make a phone call.  Too busy to give me the address of HER friends that she wants invited (took a month to get that).Today, mom called me about whether she should count FI and in for their family vacation in 2010.  I reminded her that I will be using all of my vacation days for the wedding & honeymoon, and that we're also planning a 1000 mile move next year, so I can't afford it.  She was a little irritated.  I'm just sad, mad, etc. that me/my wedding/etc. are of ZERO importance to them.  I don't expect it to be their first priority.  Or second.  Or third.  But I'd like some indication that they give a crap.  They tell me they love FI.  And, I'm almost 30 and have lived on my own since I was 18.  Sorry this is SO crazy long.  But - anybody got any thoughts for me?

squirrly

Realized I left this out - we did have a birthday thing for me, but it was almost 2 months late. 

niffycat

Parents suck.

katiewhompus

I have a hug!!At least they are going to show up, several posters have been having parents boycott the wedding, I guess that's something right?

RachNRich

I want to give you a hug. Families and be so weird, so strange, so....meh. I feel like I've been in your boat/am in your boat, and my only advise is to say something. They will never know how they are making you feel if you don't let them know.

punkyb2b

Family sucks sometimes.  You and FI now get to create the kind of family you wish yours was. Stop asking them for anything since its just getting you upset and disappointing you.  concentrate on the people who are excited for you.

vgmartinez

Some ppl will tell you to remember that no one cares about your wedding as much as you do, sometimes even family. Just plan the wedding of your dreams since you're paying for it. Don't depend on your sis anymore even since she pushed her way into being MOH. Just let her show up with the rest of your family.

[Deleted User]

I'm so sorry. That does suck really bad. My mom has always been totally supportive of me, but my dad, not so much. He's the type that if given two paths to take, he will always choose the one that shiits on me, or so it seems. I had to realize a while ago that I will never be able to change him or make him consider me to be important. I pretty much just had to become okay with always being second, third or fourth with regard to him. It took years to get to this point and I still have moments where I get pissed and / or jealous over the fact that he so openly cares for my sister and half brother much more than me, but they are few and far between at this point in my life. I just focus on all of the wonderful things in my life and how lucky I am to have such an amazing son and a wonderful FI that loves us both unconditionally. I love my job and pretty much everyone in my life, aside from my dad, is amazingly supportive. Sorry that was so long. My point is, that at some point, you just have to accept people as they are. Not because you are excusing their behavior, but because it's the right thing to do for you. Focus on the great things in your life and know that you are a wonderful person with an amazing, full life ahead of you.

Night_Sprite

If you want, you can list her in the program as a BM without telling her.  =)I'm sorry they're crappy.  FI's family pulls some of this stuff.  I think you have a few options:1. Assert yourself and talk to them about their behavior.2. Realize they won't change and don't prioritize their bad behavior.3. Think about how you're starting your own family and make sure that you and FI don't treat each other or your new family like that.You deserve better.

squirrly

I'm really afraid of saying anything.  My dad has a temper & I'm certain he'd tell me to grow up, shut up, suck it up, etc.  I'd end up feeling worse at the end.  FI has been saying all along that they don't treat me the way they should.  FI's parents have FLOWN down here to see us every 6 months since we started dating.  I had to beg and plead to get my parents to go to dinner with FI's when they were here at Easter.  Granted, it was a tough time - my grandfather was in hospice & my grandmother wasn't doing super well either.  But - we went to dinner 10 minutes from their house.  They have to eat.  When they were here earlier this month, we took them to my dad's parents to see the horses on the farm.  My dad came down & was surprisingly cool that day, but not mom.  And my sister didn't ask off work in time.  (I kinda think she didn't ask at all.) 

missy68

I'm sorry to hear that squirrly.  It frustrates me; I have no words of wisdom (it's almost as if your roles are reversed). Just, I guess, concentrate on building your new family with your FI. Let it embrace the concepts you cherish and wish you had with your family. Create new traditions and concepts. Maybe step away from yours for a bit.Good thoughts sent your way.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Ugh, that sucks. Do they really, really just hate to drive? If they visit other relatives within an hour or two of the house, I'd be more pissed off. But if they're super homebodies, that might just be their style. My dad has never visited me in the 6+ years I've lived in Los Angeles and my mom has come twice (once to tell me she was getting married). It's 2500 miles and they both hate to travel, but it still annoys me, especially since my dad has planned 2 trips to Vegas and 2 trips to see his sister in Utah in that time.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I agree with cew about trying to accept people how they are, even if they're not all that great. It still sucks, but not expecting anything from them, period, after a while will make you feel less stabby towards them.

Nik1202

You sound just like me, same situation, same exact senerio. Mom could give a shiit..On my own since 17. I just stop tlaking to them for a while when they pissss me off

squirrly

Yeah, they go see my dad's parents who are 45 minutes away.  I get my mom not driving up here.  But, seriously, my sister used to come to my town once a month to see her friend who she was a BM for last month.  I always found out via the new FB pics she'd post that she was here.  We've given her an open invite to call & come by.  Helll, she has a dammn key to my house!I'm hoping that maybe getting it all out here & hearing that it's not my problem/my fault/etc. will make me feel better.  Maybe not enough to tell my dad off, which is what FI is advocating, but enough to get over it & be more like Cew. 

squirrly

Oh - my mom can't drive this far b/c she has Parkinson's.  Her foot shakes on the gas pedal. 

cbvcru67

My mom is like this.   She guilt trips me about never coming home  (5 hour drive), but when I DO make a special trip to see her, she's busy and has to work that weekend because she offered to take so-and-so's shift or volunteered for some thing, or some friend's kid has a volleyball game she thought she might like to see.  After she blows me off even though i planned to come home for like 3 months, she once had the gall to tell me that she was hurt I didn't spend enough time with her when I visited and that I left her home alone (with my dad and brother!) all night the ONE night of 4 I was with them.  The other three nights she went to bed early bc she had those other commitments in the mornings.The weird part - she was genuinely hurt.So what I'm saying I guess, it that your mom probably does love you.  But if she is this off all the time, she may just be very socially unaware.  My mom totally misses most social cues, tells jokes in poor taste and as far as I'm concerned, generally acts like a spoiled 14 year old.  (She once told me to "Chill! Whatever, ok?"!!))  That being said, she dedicated her entire life to me and my siblings when we were children - and I know she did as well as she could to take care of us and make us feel loved - even if it didn't always work!  Some people are just off.  I can't put my finger on it, but if you can accept that she's just in her own world, you will feel alot better.  Not always good, but better than you would if you continue to scrutinize things with her, ya know?  On the flip side, its almost like a free pass for her to do whatever she wants without consequences, but then again by now I know better than to count on her for big ticket stuff.

[Deleted User]

It sucks, and it may not be the best thing to do, but it works for me. You can't be disappointed if you never really expected anything in the first place. While we are on the subject of mother guilt, I just remembered this little gem: when I was first creating our wedding website, my mom looked at it and had a complete meltdown because the ratio of pictures of her to pictures of FI's family was not exactly even. That was fun.

julezlee

My family is very similar. I'm so sorry you have to put up with that kind of BS. It's very hurtful to feel like people just can't give a damn. Neither of my parents even called me for my birthday this year. That was crappy. Know what made it better? I have my own family now with DH

squirrly

I really think my sister is just unable to think about other people.  Mom I think sees me as being very independent, and somehow that equates to feeling-less.  Like I'll just always understand.  Dad. . . might BE feeling-less.  He genuinely expects me to be perfect all the time.  Zero margin for error.  But - I have no clue what his definition of perfect is half the time to even try to live up to it.  My friends wonder how I can be so OK with moving to Boston.  This is why.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Gotcha. The sister thing would really annoy me.My mom's always complaining that she can't afford it. Yet she owns a house and doesn't really work (she tried real estate, now she has a sewing business, but she doesn't have set hours). I have to take time off to visit her and pay the same amount in airfare, but I make it home 1-2 times a year.My dad took his girlfriend and his girlfriend's son to Vegas for his son's 21st birthday. I live 300 miles away so he asked if I could just take 2 days off work and meet them there. I did. My brother didn't get invited on the trip, even if he paid his own way (he invited his sister and BIL to drive down from Salt Lake, though), and he was really pissed about it.I'm like... Uh, I live in a city where there's an OCEAN and I have a spare room for anyone who wants to come. Anyone?Don't get me wrong, my parents were good parents. But everyone's parents are far from perfect. Some more than others.

sucrets4

This totally isn't your fault.  It sucks that they volunteer to do stuff (to make themselves feel better?  to do the 'right' thing?) but then fall through.  I wouldn't even ask anymore.I do have to ask, however, why on earth would you invite your parents friends to a wedding that YOU'RE paying for, especially if your mom didn't give you the addresses in a timely manner?Perhaps it's the biitch in me, but I would have given her a deadline and stuck to it, unless they were people that I wanted there. 

squirrly

Cew, that I didn't have.  My mom definitely doesn't want to be the center of attention.  She wants to make everybody else happy.  I really think she just has blinders when it comes to the fact that I might need/want something from her. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Oh yes, I'm also expected to be the perfect child. But according to my brother, being the screw-up child also has it's downfalls. At least you don't have to live with them (although it seems they treat your sister better). Boston is a beautiful city! I'd love to live there someday (FI's parents live about 20 miles outside the city.) I moved across the country at 21 and I like it much better than if I had gone home after college to sleep on my mom's couch. It's more liberating.

SarahPLiz

I can empathize and sympathize, It is frustrating to seem like an afterthought. My mom and step-dad will plan a trip to drive 6 hours to go see my sister in law (30 minutes from me and FI), but won't tell me they are coming until they get there. Then they call to tell me they are there, and expect me to drop all my plans and come up there to have dinner with them. I always do it, because I miss them, and TBT, that is the only time I see my Step sister and her cute kiddos, even though we live close to them. I do the 6 hour drive for every holiday and other occaision and always check their schedule first before making plans with my hometown friends. I don't understna why they can't call and tell me at least the day before that they are coming here! GRR!! Its just the way your parents are, and if you have expressed to them how neglected and/or frustrated you are and it didn't change anything, then there really is nothing you can do but accept them. There are different love languages, and maybe you just speak different ones.

squirrly

Sucrets, there are 3 couples she wanted invited.  I was going to invite 2 on my own - I was good friends with their daughters growing up, and their daughters (and their SOs) are invited too.  The third couple was apparently very excited to come to the wedding, which is fine.  They only have boys.  Their youngest was BFF with my sis when they were in elementary school, but I wasn't close with any of their kids.  We don't have issues with the guest list (at this point).  Part of me prob thought that if I did that for her, maybe they'd be more interested. 

DRAGONFAERIE7

Ugh- That sucks! I understand: my parents aren't the most supportive...and even though they only live 1 1/2 hours away, they have not once come to visit me: but lay on the guilt trip if I decide not to come there! (also, my parents have been "skipping" my birthday since I was 13- my little bro's and my birthdays are a day apart AND near christmas- so they celebrated HIS and then christmas- so look on the bright side: at least they eventually got to it!)But- I'm thinking about you and try not to let them screw up your wedding and your LIFE with your FI! *sending internet hugs in a non-creepy way*

squirrly

PS - I'm about done with the leftover wine I started on and getting ready to put guava rum and tropical juices in a glass, and then fall in with it.    So, if I get redic later tonight - I appologize in advance.  Thanks for listening and making me feel better, ladies.  It means a lot.

julezlee

My dad's speech at the wedding was all about how I was the perfect daughter, perfect student (this was said multiple times), etc. I just wanted to stand up and scream at him to stop.

squirrly

The only time my dad has said he was proud of me was a letter he gave me at my college graduation.  He apparently tells other people he's proud of me all the time.  Just not ME.I really hope I'm a good mom when I have kids.  I don't want my kids to feel like this one day. 

julezlee

"I really hope I'm a good mom when I have kids. I don't want my kids to feel like this one day." Big time ditto this. So scared I'll end up like my nasty mother.