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Donation Jar at bar?

cscheelacscheela member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Has anyone encountered this at a wedding reception? My friend suggested this to my FI and I, as she has attended informal weddings where this was done instead of having a cash bar, (which would require us to legally hire a bartender, costing us more than the alcohol itself!!)

I'm just curious if anyone has done this or been to a wedding where this has occured and what they thought of it.
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Re: Donation Jar at bar?

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    ViczaesarViczaesar member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_donation-jar-at-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1082a3d9-6396-46d3-90d2-f5663143c815Post:72141ec6-4e08-42dc-a98f-aeaca6fc42bb">Donation Jar at bar?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Has anyone encountered this at a wedding reception? My friend suggested this to my FI and I, as she has attended informal weddings where this was done instead of having a cash bar, (which would require us to legally hire a bartender, costing us more than the alcohol itself!!) <strong>I'm just curious if anyone has done this or been to a wedding where this has occured and what they thought of it.</strong>
    Posted by cscheela[/QUOTE]
    No, thankfully.  It's horribly rude and inappropriate.



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    cscheelacscheela member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_donation-jar-at-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1082a3d9-6396-46d3-90d2-f5663143c815Post:01ddf8c6-74fa-4bc1-899b-b5869b4a5ada">Re: Donation Jar at bar?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Even Darth Vader thinks that's tacky. 
    Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]


    hehhehehehe
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    SachaBeeSachaBee member
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    edited August 2012
    I'm not sure what you mean by having to hire a bartender for a cash bar and that costing more... I might be brainfarting here. Are you saying you would not have a full bar and would ask for donations? Or ask for donations to support the cost of the bartender?
    Either way, no.
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    cscheelacscheela member
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    We plan on having an open bar, to which we were suggested by our friend to accept donations to help cover costs. Apparently she has been to a few like this.

    Where we live a registered bartender must serve alcohol if it is being sold, but bartender is not required if not being sold. Cost for hiring bartender for reception would be more than the cost of the alcohol we have purchased.

    I am  looking for more honest opinions on this because I have never been to a reception where this occurred.
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    Kristin789Kristin789 member
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    Whhhhhat?  Never heard of this.  Hope to never hear of it again.
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    Summer2011BrideSummer2011Bride member
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    edited August 2012
    No. Your guests should not have to help foot the bill for your wedding. You are hosting them. In fact they shouldn't have to pay for anything at your wedding. It's OK to have a dry wedding or only host beer and wine if you want to cut down on liquor costs, but asking your guests to chip in is never OK.


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    jessicabessicajessicabessica member
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    You're not a charity and your wedding is not a fundraiser.  Don't ask for donations.
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    Let me get this straight.   You are buying the alcohol on your own.  

    Are you actually suggesting asking for donations to pay for the bar from your guests?  Meaning you will be the one getting the money, not the venue.

    That's just tacky.   Why not just put out donations jars at the tables so they guests can help pay for the food?

    Cash bars where the venue profits is one thing.  Cash for a bar that goes directly to the couple is something else.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    MrsGandthebeagMrsGandthebeag member
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    No, it's rude.  But, my question is, how are the guests going to get their drinks if there's no bartender?  Are you just going to set a bunch of beers out on a bar and have people help themselves?  I must be missing something.  
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    amymaysaamymaysa
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    No, just not...pay for the alcohol yourselves and odn't ask guests to donate to help cover the cost of your wedding
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    AceTTAceTT
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_donation-jar-at-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1082a3d9-6396-46d3-90d2-f5663143c815Post:67e029eb-2670-459a-9168-8b648f46ab1f">Re: Donation Jar at bar?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You're not a charity and your wedding is not a fundraiser.  Don't ask for donations.
    Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]


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    daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
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    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_donation-jar-at-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1082a3d9-6396-46d3-90d2-f5663143c815Post:a8657000-a798-4ff0-9cea-1e629fe9234a">Re: Donation Jar at bar?</a>:
    [QUOTE]No, it's rude.  But, my question is, how are the guests going to get their drinks if there's no bartender?  Are you just going to set a bunch of beers out on a bar and have people help themselves?  I must be missing something.  
    Posted by MrsGandthebeag[/QUOTE]

    I think what OP is saying is that they don't want to have a cash bar, because they have to purchase liability/permits.  If they are not <em>selling</em> the drinks, but offering them for free, no permit needed.  So OP was asking if she could offer the drinks for free with a "donation" rather than a charge.

    Oh, and OP, please don't :)

    ETA: I reread the OP and now I'm not sure.  OP, you should definitely hire a bartender.  It will very likely save you money, too - a good bartender will pour a proper drink, whereas a guest will likely pour heavy and thus go through your booze a lot faster.
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    englishemilyenglishemily
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    I would rather just have a cash bar than this tbh (from a guest point of view).
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    cscheelacscheela member
    First Comment
    As I mentioned in my posts, we are already planning on having an open bar. In our area it is customary to have a cash bar or what we call a toonie bar ($2)

    As for the charity or fundraiser comment, I'm pretty sure thats what a gift registry is, not to mention bridal showers??Where you are expected to shower people with gifts? The reason my friend suggested it is because we are letting people know we do not have a gift registry or expect gifts, but many people have been asking us about registries and about how they can gift us, suggesting things like honeymoon registries, so people can just give us money to drink on the beach, but honestly I think its tacky to ask for or expect gifts, or to give people a list!

    So I am going to go ahead with our original idea of having a wishing well for accepting cards. If someone wanted to donate/gift us they could do so there - after all if my friend suggested it so perhaps that is what she has in mind.
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    freebread03freebread03 member
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    It's really not that hard to accept gifts--not having a registry or a shower sends the message that you would like cash, without asking for cash.  And that's ok.

    OP, a gift registry is NOT a charity or a fundraiser--where would you get that idea?  You seem to have some strange views on what is appropriate etiquette wise.  Having a donation jar sitting at the bar is a lot different from a gift registry.  A registry is a suggestion for those who ask on what you might want.  It's not something that is thrown in your guests' faces (like a donation jar).  I don't think you need a "wishing well" to convey that you'd prefer monetary gifts; not registering does just that.
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    Leenie10Leenie10 member
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    I don't even want a tip jar on the bar, never mind a donation jar for me and FI.
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    courtski2004courtski2004 member
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    You should probably not take any advice from this friend. They obviously have a major misunderstanding of rude vs not rude. People WANT to give you a gift at your wedding. They do not want to feel compelled to yank out their wallet at your reception and insert money in a tip jar, no matter where the money is going.
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    jessicabessicajessicabessica member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_donation-jar-at-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1082a3d9-6396-46d3-90d2-f5663143c815Post:0742df22-0968-4660-818c-9d762e214d3a">Re: Donation Jar at bar?</a>:
    [QUOTE]As I mentioned in my posts, we are already planning on having an open bar. In our area it is customary to have a cash bar or what we call a toonie bar ($2) As for the charity or fundraiser comment, I'm pretty sure thats what a gift registry is, not to mention bridal showers??Where you are expected to shower people with gifts? The reason my friend suggested it is because we are letting people know we do not have a gift registry or expect gifts, but many people have been asking us about registries and about how they can gift us, suggesting things like honeymoon registries, so people can just give us money to drink on the beach, but honestly I think its tacky to ask for or expect gifts, or to give people a list! So I am going to go ahead with our original idea of having a wishing well for accepting cards. If someone wanted to donate/gift us they could do so there - after all if my friend suggested it so perhaps that is what she has in mind.
    Posted by cscheela[/QUOTE]

    If you have connected registering and gifts to asking for donations to cover the cost of your bar, I think you are overthinking this. 
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    cscheelacscheela member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_donation-jar-at-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1082a3d9-6396-46d3-90d2-f5663143c815Post:665039d3-f445-4f46-8e9c-cb062fbeb8a5">Re: Donation Jar at bar?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Donation Jar at bar? : Um, no.  A gift is something decided on by the giver and given to the receiver.  It is never required, never expected, and the giver is in control.  A donation is money given to charity or other not-for-profit cause or organization.  Also, it is NEVER okay to solicit money for personal use.  This includes honeymoon and house registries, "donation" jars, and wishing wells.  Guests KNOW that money is appreciated, they don't have to worry about matching it to the size or decor of your home.  Therefore, if they want to give money, they will.  If they don't give it sans wishing well, it's because they don't want to. 
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Yes I agree with not soliciting gifts which is why we are not having a registry. I wanted to have a wishing well for people to put cards if they brought them (we will have an old birdcage decoration with signs saying CARDS and possibly another one saying THANK YOU) but was not under the impression that the term wishing well meant an expectation of money. Its not like we will have a sign saying anything related to money.

    I appreciate the feedback without attacks on my personal character or my wedding. I find it very difficult to post on TheKnot as people seem very eager to assume the worst of people's intention. I was just wondering  if anyone has seen this at a wedding and if they did what they thought of it.
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    cscheelacscheela member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_donation-jar-at-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1082a3d9-6396-46d3-90d2-f5663143c815Post:b8f31569-8810-4a44-915e-ba2004fdc442">Re: Donation Jar at bar?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's really not that hard to accept gifts--not having a registry or a shower sends the message that you would like cash, without asking for cash.  And that's ok. OP, a gift registry is NOT a charity or a fundraiser--where would you get that idea? <strong> You seem to have some strange views on what is appropriate etiquette wise. </strong> Having a donation jar sitting at the bar is a lot different from a gift registry.  A registry is a suggestion for those who ask on what you might want.  It's not something that is thrown in your guests' faces (like a donation jar).  I don't think you need a "wishing well" to convey that you'd prefer monetary gifts; not registering does just that.
    Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]

    Yes, I have never been married before or organized my own wedding before.
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    TheVirginiansTheVirginians member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited August 2012
    Scheela, your original post said that you have never seen this at a wedding.  That means to me, that it is just not done in your area and could come across as a bit crass. 
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    freebread03freebread03 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_donation-jar-at-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1082a3d9-6396-46d3-90d2-f5663143c815Post:c8ac1daa-867a-4785-8fca-2714788e9159">Re: Donation Jar at bar?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Donation Jar at bar? : Yes, I have never been married before or organized my own wedding before.
    Posted by cscheela[/QUOTE]

    <div>I don't think it takes being married or planning a wedding to know that asking your friends and family for money is a bad idea (i.e. having a wishing well as you suggested).  But that's just me.</div>
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    seszayseszay
    First Comment
    FIRST let me start by saying that it all depends on the area that you live in. The last three weddings that I have been to have all had a "donations for booze" jar at the open bar. I never spoke to one person at any of the weddings who was opposed to or offended by it. Everyone was glad to help (especially those who drank enough for 5 people!).
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    doliphandoliphan member
    First Comment
    edited June 2014
    I'm doing a donation bar for my wedding. For those who think it is "rude and inappropriate" to have a donation jar, would you prefer a cash bar, where you overpay for your drinks? And who are you to say what's appropriate? Who made you the queen of wedding etiquette? I'm sure family and friends would be happy to contribute to the bar costs - it allows people to drink all night with a $20 bill or a $50 if they are feeling generous. It's 'pay what you can' rather than charge guests per drink. If anything I think this is MUCH more courteous of your guests and not everyone can afford to foot the bill for everyone's drinking habits. A happy medium and a GREAT idea. All of my friends are thrilled about it.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    @KnotPorscha, zombie thread.

    @Doliphan, this thread is over a year old and most of the posters are gone.

    And sorry, but "who are you to say what's appropriate" ?  Really?  On an etiquette board?  I'd be willing to bet none of your friends are fucking thrilled about it.  It's not their job to pay for the drinks that you are supposed to be providing as a thank-you to them for attending your wedding-it's yours, whether the bar is a cash bar or a donation bar.  Money is not supposed to change hands at the reception.
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    doeydodoeydo member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    doliphan said:
    I'm doing a donation bar for my wedding. For those who think it is "rude and inappropriate" to have a donation jar, would you prefer a cash bar, where you overpay for your drinks? And who are you to say what's appropriate? Who made you the queen of wedding etiquette? I'm sure family and friends would be happy to contribute to the bar costs - it allows people to drink all night with a $20 bill or a $50 if they are feeling generous. It's 'pay what you can' rather than charge guests per drink. If anything I think this is MUCH more courteous of your guests and not everyone can afford to foot the bill for everyone's drinking habits. A happy medium and a GREAT idea. All of my friends are thrilled about it.
    QFP.  @KnotPorscha, zombie thread. 
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    doeydodoeydo member
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    edited June 2014
    ETA  http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/995381/cash-bars-everything-you-need-to-know-in-one-place/p1
    @doliphan you should read the post in the above link.  
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    ViczaesarViczaesar member
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    doliphan said:
    I'm doing a donation bar for my wedding. For those who think it is "rude and inappropriate" to have a donation jar, would you prefer a cash bar, where you overpay for your drinks? Nope.  Both of those options suck butt. And who are you to say what's appropriate? My knowledge of good manners.  Who made you the queen of wedding etiquette? Again, knowledge of good manners. I'm sure family and friends would be happy to contribute to the bar costs - it allows people to drink all night with a $20 bill or a $50 if they are feeling generous. Nope.  It's 'pay what you can' rather than charge guests per drink. False dichotomy.  It should be 'free booze or dry wedding'. If anything I think this is MUCH more courteous of your guests and not everyone can afford to foot the bill for everyone's drinking habits.THEN DON'T HAVE BOOZE.  This is not a difficult concept. A happy medium and a GREAT idea. No, it's not.  All of my friends are thrilled about it.You have absolutely no way of knowing how they really feel about it.




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    LadyMillilLadyMillil member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I went to a wedding that had a donation jar at the bar. The wedding party took turns manning the bar all night. They made any guest that didn't put in a donation, or guests that didn't put in a "big enough" donation feel guilty for "not supporting the bride and groom". All drinks, even water, were at the bar. I was putting myself through grad school at the time and didn't have the money to pay a couple dollars every time I wanted pop or water. I didn't say a word to the bride and groom or the wedding party.

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