MOH Issues

mcdosen

So my MOH and I have been best friends for quite a few years.  However, since high school I have lived in AZ while she went to school in WA and now lives in Paris.  We have slowly drifted apart a bit and have become stronger in our (opposite) views.  I feel that she is always attacking the military and the Catholic church, while my FI and I are apart of both of these things. Additionally, she has only met the FI several times because of the distance issue but i have a really gut feeling that she either doesn't like him, or doesn't like that I'm getting married. I think it might be that she feels I am too young(21), or because we were always partners in crime. It has gotten to where I don't talk wedding with her, along with politics, or religion. 

Also, some of my BMs have all decided that they are saving for the wedding by putting away $5 a week.  They call it their "Sandwhich savings," because its us bringing lunch instead of buying it one day a week.  I would want to mention this to her since I think its a good idea, but I feel like on top of everything else it will go over extremley poor.

  I don't know how I should handle this situation... I know I should talk to her but I don't want to make it awkward, and I dont want her to get mad.  I just know that I'm angry, and if she is also agry then it is going to be a mess...:[



When she was in the states we would talk frequently

hearthemelody

Here is my question:

What result do you want?

You say you need to speak to her, but what outcome do you wish for? Do you wish for her to save money for your wedding, or speak to you in a friendly way? Do you want her to approve of your religion, or your FH?

Without knowing your goal, it is difficult to proceed.

amymaysa

I wouldn't share the money saving idea with her...it's nice some of your group came up with that idea, but she doesn't need to be told how to save her money. She's an adult.

It is sometimes hard when we have different views on things as our friends, that being said, it's part of life. Just dont' talk to her about those topics.

crash2729

Don't tell your MOH how to save to attend your wedding. She'll figure it out. 

Also, hopefully she can put all the differences of opinions aside and be there for you during this process. 

mbody

Why do you want to mention what your other BMs are doing to save money? Honestly, if someone suggested a way for me to save money for their wedding, I'd give it a huge eyeroll. So, yeah, don't tell her about that. She'll figure out a way to save on her own if she needs to.

Adults can agree to disagree on certain topics. My bff of 24 years and I don't see eye to eye on religion and it's never ever caused an issue. We don't talk about it, we don't bad mouth the other's view, and we respect each other. Just avoid getting into deep discussions about those topics.

Now, does she actually have a problem with your FI or are you just *thinking* she does. I don't think I'd want a BM who doesn't support my future marriage. 

LetsHikeToday

I guess I'm confused as to why you would suggest she save $5 a day for your wedding when it seems the problems between the two of you are based on political and religious views. What does saving money have to do with church and the military? I'd be pissed if my friend told me to save $5 a week for her wedding.

lyndausvi

what is the question here?

It's not unusual for 2 adults to develop different views on things like the military, religion, politics, etc.   Some adults just drift apart because of these differences.  Others can work pass them.  Only you can decide if what you want to.

As far as the money thing.   Unless she was part of ungoing conversation, I would think it would be strange for someone to randomly tell me how other people are saving money for the wedding.

specialk84

One of my dear friends is a Republican and Catholic. I am a Democrat and a Unitarian. We still manage to be friends, and we still talk about politics and religion, among other things. Neither of us is trying to change the other's mind. Perhaps you could either avoid the offending topics all together or learn to debate without it turning into a screaming match.

As for the BMs saving money, I would be offended if you told me to start saving for your wedding. I am an adult. I know how to budget. Quite frankly, the suggestion that I start saving now (even if I already was saving) would make me think you had unrealistic expectations.

chumlee7478

My best friend and MOH is non-political and Buddhist.  I was raised Democratic and Roman Catholic (though now I belong to a Unitarian church).  We get along just fine, and it's never been an issue between us.  We get along because of our differences, not in spite of our differences.  What's important to her isn't to me, and vice versa, so that doesn't cause fights.  It sounds like you want your MOH's approval on your FI and lifestyle choices.  If that's the case, what happens if she doesn't offer her approval? Will you still want to be friends with her? Part of being a good friend or partner is sometimes seeing where agreeing to disagree is the best road to take.  You can still be friends with her if she doesn't love everything you do, and vice versa. 

As for the money thing, I wouldn't mention it. It's a great idea, but if someone told me how to save my money for their wedding, I wouldn't be able to hold back a snarky comment.  She's a grown woman, she can choose to save her money however she wants.  What works for you and your other BMs may not work for her.

mcdosen

Ok the money thing isn't actually a real concern.  I've actually already set aside money to have her there if she otherwise can't be.  It was more of a telling her what they were doing cause we were all friends.  I shouldnt have listed this with a problem I'm having with her, Its more of an inclussion thing and I was just wondering but its fine.  I'm obviously not doing this.

The main issue to me is that for every aspect of my life that I really value she is now attacking.  We have always been different, and we worked with it. But I have left both relgion and politics out of our conversations, and she keeps attacking them and because I haven't replied on the issue i feel like i'm getting beaten up .

she recently said somethings like " F*** the Catholic church, who the hell do they think they are. They are just dumb."

shes also said things about people in the military(obviously not paying attention to the fact that I am in the Navy) to the effect that : military personell are corrupt, killers,  socialists(I know there is some truth here, but it was how she presented it.)

I just don't know how to bring this up to her, since we only talk through skype and it doesnt happen frequently because of time differences.  I just want her to respect my beliefs without offending her and making her feel attacked. 

specialk84

Tell her to knock it the fuuck off.

sweetcanadian1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:11818801-db00-4a17-affb-407f7dee8b1cPost:60b987fb-8eee-4a34-8217-fd669bf97750">Re: MOH Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell her to knock it the fuuck off.
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

<div>This. </div><div>
I actually ended a 15 year relationship with my best friend whom i never even got into an arguement with before because of how much every aspect of the wedding had to be about her & her wants. </div><div>
</div><div>Friends will NOT be putting your beliefs down. I have strong opinions but i am always telling my friends they are just my opinions & no way do they have to listen to them nor do they reflect them. I couldn't imagine doing that. 

I think you need to re-evaluate this friendship & talk to her about how hurt you feel before ending it. I did & i got a negative response & decided she wanted to betray me further so i knew i did the right thing. Sometimes that is all you can do. </div>

rebarobert2012

I know this isn't your intent, but she might be offended if you bring up the other bridesmaids saving for your wedding.  She may feel like you are telling her that she needs to save for your wedding, and she might not be thrilled about that suggestion.  I'm sure that she has budgeted money to attend your wedding.

I'm a little confused as to why you asked her to be your MOH in the first place.  It sounds like you have butted heads about issues in the past and that you aren't getting along that well.  But obviously, you must feel close to her if you did ask her, so I would just try to remember the things you love about her.

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:11818801-db00-4a17-affb-407f7dee8b1cPost:60b987fb-8eee-4a34-8217-fd669bf97750">Re: MOH Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell her to knock it the fuuck off.
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

This exactly.  Take your wedding completely out of the picture.  This is a friendship issue and you don't have to stand for having your faith insulted or your profession.  You should deal with this as a friend issue and it does need to be addressed.

It almost seems like she is trying to tick you off.  Get yourself in the right frame of mind and talk to her.  Let her know that your feelings are very hurt by her remarks and it is affecting the friendship.  Tell her that you respect that her opinions of the Catholic Church and the military differ from yours and that those are topics best left out of the friendship. 

I"m a conservative Christian who is also in the military.  I have friends as well as relatives who are Pagan and not to keen on military service.  I respect their right to have those opinions but I won't be insulted either.  I don't insult them, they don't insult me.  It is mutual respect.

Let her know that you don't feel there is mutual respect in your friendship and ask her how you guys can solve that.  Put the ball in her court.

Nothing about this is a wedding issue.

sonya+adam

I agree, just tell her to stop. You need to voice your opinion and let her know that she's upsetting you. I recently ended an 8 year friendship with me [ex]best friend because of how she treated me in our friendship. It came as a shock to her, because I never said anything about it to her during our friendship, until I had finally just had enough. 

You really need to express yourself and talk to her. She may just be oblivious to the fact that it might upset you. When you talk to her, leave your wedding out of it. This isn't a wedding issue, this is a friendship issue.

Also, even if you just wanted to keep her informed as to what the other bridesmaids are doing with the money thing, it might come off as you suggesting that she do it too, even though you aren't. And that might push buttons. I know I'd be peeved.

ebhavens

I had something very similar to this, happen to me.

Don't look at it from a wedding stand point.  Only look at it as a friend stand point.  Your wedding will come and go, but your friendship you will either hurt or make better for the long run. 

If these are issues that are really hurting you, tell her exactly how you feel.  Give her the chance to work at your friendship, and consider your feelings.  If she makes the changes, that will show she really cares.  If she doesn't, that will show you something too.

In regards to money, (i know this isn't a big issue but) I wouldn't set asside money for her.  She accepted the MOH job, and anybody that does accept that honor, should assume they have to at least have money to get to the wedding, and main event's.  You are probably trying to hard for her, and as a friend she should figure this one out on her own.  Unless she comes to you about money, I wouldn't give it a second thought, in regards to paying her way. 

Just my thoughts.  Good luck!