Engagement Ring Woes...NO CLUE what to do.

katiedupree

My boyfriend was originally going to propose to me around January 2012 while we were still living in another state. Some big changes happened before he could propose and so now he is waiting until we are settled in our home state before he proposes. The reason this is important is because this means I have NO IDEA how long he has been sitting on this ring. Also, the ring is from a pawn shop. I know this because it is the exact ring from a picture he showed me when he was shopping. The problem? 

I found the ring the other day and I do not like it. At the time I saw the picture, I was just so excited that he was actually looking that I think it seemed like I liked that ring. In my defense, it looked a lot better in the picture.

So now I don't know what to do because technically he bought the ring that he thought I really liked and i have no idea if returning/ exchanging is even an option. The only thing I have going for me is that this thing has massive amounts of stones in the band and is probably at least 2 sizes too big (you know I had to try that sucker on when I found it!). I feel really bad that I don't like it but he didn't really do a whole lot of consulting with me since I want as much of it as possible to be a surprise. I dont think he really consulted any freinds or family either. The only thing I said was that I wanted something unique and it is....just not my kind of unique. ugh....I'm a bad person.

Please help! what do I do besides crawl under a rock and die?

Peledreamsofrain

Well, since it sounds like you have to take it in to a jewler to get it resized anyway, you could always discuss modifying it at that time too. There's limits of course, but things can be done. Then there's always the fact that it will grow on you, and once you are married, you can take it off. It's the wedding band that really matters. But definitely give it a chance. I expected a regular engagement ring, and was caught really off guard when I got a family heirloom ring that was a black onyx shield with a diamond. I mourned the cookie cutter ideal that I had in my mind for a bit, then fell madly in love with my ring. I wouldn't trade it for anything, its so classy and unique.

vanityink

Well first, I wouldn't say "I hate the ring you picked out" or anything like that. I'm sure he worked very hard to save up/find something unique for you.

If you absolutely loathe it, however, maybe use the "too big" thing to your advantage to go look some more?

In any case, if you're fiance-to-be is ok with you returning it, I imagine the pawn shop has other rings. They would probably let you do a straight swap for a ring that's about the same price (or let you buy one that's more expensive. I did this at a jewelry store ones with a present my grandfather sent me that I could never see myself wearing. They wouldn't take returns generally, but since i was looking to return it and get something $100 more, they let me return the bracelet and get the new one without a problem. I mean, more money for them).

itzMS

You sound like a peach and incredibly ungrateful. Are you sure your boyfriend has delayed proposing to you for 10 months soley because you are "getting settled"? I wouldn't want to propose to you, either.

I call MUD on this.

katiedupree

Thanks, you two! I really appreciate your help. The last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings because I know he really wanted to get something I would love. It's really my fault for not communicating better. Your advice has made it easier to for me to avoid hurting his feelings. : ]

katiedupree

Does anyone know how to make these things anonymous? I'm super embarassed by this issue and cant tell if changing my settings worked. Also, it doesnt seem that I can delete this post. 

KellyBrian2013

In Response to Re:Engagement Ring Woes...NO CLUE what to do.:[QUOTE]My boyfriend was originally going to propose to me around January 2012 while we were still living in another state. Some big changes happened before he could propose and so now he is waiting until we are settled in our home state before he proposes. The reason this is important is because this means I have NO IDEA how long he has been sitting on this ring. Also, the ring is from a pawn shop. I know this because it is the exact ring from a picture he showed me when he was shopping. The problem?nbsp;I found the ring the other day and I do not like it. At the time I saw the picture, I was just so excited that he was actually looking that I think it seemed like I liked that ring. In my defense, it looked a lot better in the picture.So now I don't know what to do because technically he bought the ring that he thought I really liked and i have no idea if returning/ exchanging is even an option. The only thing I have going for me is that this thing has massive amounts of stones in the band and is probably at least 2 sizes too big you know I had to try that sucker on when I found it!. I feel really bad that I don't like it but he didn't really do a whole lot of consulting with me since I want as much of it as possible to be a surprise. I dont think he really consulted any freinds or family either. The only thing I said was that I wanted something unique and it is....just not my kind of unique. ugh....I'm a bad person.Please help! what do I do besides crawl under a rock and die? Posted by katiedupree[/QUOTE]

KellyBrian2013

In Response to Re:Engagement Ring Woes...NO CLUE what to do.:[QUOTE]Does anyone know how to make these things anonymous? I'm super embarassed by this issue and cant tell if changing my settings worked. Also, it doesnt seem that I can delete this post.nbsp; Posted by katiedupree[/QUOTE]

You can't delete it and it would be rude to do so, as people have taken the time to answer you. Future brides may have a similar question or issue, and your responses may be of benefit to then.

gurrlballa10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-ring-woesno-clue-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:11e0a102-327a-4fa2-9a5f-2cd2b53154daPost:366d2cd4-44d8-4062-9e0f-b78005ae94b5">Re:Engagement Ring Woes...NO CLUE what to do.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Engagement Ring Woes...NO CLUE what to do.: You can't delete it and it would be rude to do so, as people have taken the time to answer you. Future brides may have a similar question or issue, and your responses may be of benefit to then.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

I think it's because it has her full name in it.  I actually don't think this one is trying to DD, she just didn't think about her SN.

katiedupree

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-ring-woesno-clue-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:11e0a102-327a-4fa2-9a5f-2cd2b53154daPost:366d2cd4-44d8-4062-9e0f-b78005ae94b5">Re:Engagement Ring Woes...NO CLUE what to do.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Engagement Ring Woes...NO CLUE what to do.: You can't delete it and it would be rude to do so, as people have taken the time to answer you. Future brides may have a similar question or issue, and your responses may be of benefit to then.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

<div>You're right, that would be rude. I'm sorry. I really appreciate the help from everyone. I just really would prefer to be anonymous and cannot figure out how to change my settings. : (</div>

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-ring-woesno-clue-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:11e0a102-327a-4fa2-9a5f-2cd2b53154daPost:2fee8687-7a27-4fde-b840-c8af07632db4">Re: Engagement Ring Woes...NO CLUE what to do.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engagement Ring Woes...NO CLUE what to do. : I asked for help, not your misguided opinion. Clearly, I already feel really bad and embarassed about this issue. You don't know anything about me, my boyfriend or our relationship; so I'd appreciate it if you keep your judgements about someone who is seeking guidance to yourself. The fact that you would make such a comment suggests that you are quite a peach yourself. Perhaps you should take a look in the mirror and realize the branch in your own eye before you go scoffing at the splinter in another's. Please do not comment on anymore of my posts.   
Posted by katiedupree[/QUOTE]

Katie, I can empathize with the situation, but just to forewarn you, ladies here tell you how they feel and make no bones about telling you their opinion- especially if you ask. Don't take anything personally. You're right- they don't know you or your situation. Sometimes they do judge, but I'm sure you've been guilty of that too time and time again.

If you don't like brash comments, just don't post, and if you know that there's a person who always seems to make negative comments, stay away from the boards they post on. They can hurt your feelings sometimes, but just as they don't know you, you don't know them (they don't have to be part of your life! yippee!)

BUT back to your original dilemma- He thought it was the prettiest ring for you; even if its not your style, he probably put some work into finding just the right one. Even though you aren't crazy about the style, keep that in the back of your mind. And, as other PP's said, there are more possibilities that can come up when you go to re-size.

s-aries8990

AAND once your username is created, you can't change it. Maybe create another account?

katiedupree

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-ring-woesno-clue-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:11e0a102-327a-4fa2-9a5f-2cd2b53154daPost:c55e4dad-2d77-427e-a7ea-8703a86386e3">Re: Engagement Ring Woes...NO CLUE what to do.</a>:
[QUOTE]AAND once your username is created, you can't change it. Maybe create another account?
Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

<div>well that sticks. Thanks for your help on ALL of my issues haha. I truly appreciate it.  </div>

amyelise25

Does he know that you know that a ring exists?  If you aren't supposed to know that a ring exists maybe you can mention to him casually that you have come up with some more specific ideas for what you'd like and then provice better guidance.  He may take this opportunity to return the ring and find something different and more your style before the big moment. 

He may still be bummed that he picked the wrong thing, but it maybe less so this way. 

Vireyda

I wasn't keen on the ring FI picked for me either, but it actually grew on me.  We eventually replaced it with something that suited me more, but I was/am surprised at how reluctant I felt to put my original e-ring aside.  I still wear it occasionally too, either on my right hand or when I've had to leave my newer ring at the jeweller for sizing or whatnot.  Definitely give the ring a chance.

katiedupree

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-ring-woesno-clue-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:11e0a102-327a-4fa2-9a5f-2cd2b53154daPost:363d25f0-229a-41a6-824b-db4488489036">Re: Engagement Ring Woes...NO CLUE what to do.</a>:
[QUOTE]Does he know that you know that a ring exists?  If you aren't supposed to know that a ring exists maybe you can mention to him casually that you have come up with some more specific ideas for what you'd like and then provice better guidance.  He may take this opportunity to return the ring and find something different and more your style before the big moment.  He may still be bummed that he picked the wrong thing, but it maybe less so this way. 
Posted by amyelise25[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>He told me he's been sitting on it for a while. long story.   

</div>

dannie134

I can understand your situation - my husband picked out my ring without any input from me, in my case the first time I saw it was when he proposed.  It turned out to look different on my finger than I think even he was expecting (my skinny fingers make the ring look a little bulky), and so it is definitely not what I would have picked.

I was so thrilled that he was proposing, though, that I reacted more to him than to the specific ring.  And ultimately I love him, and I love that he picked the ring out, and I love what it symbolizes, so in my case I've decided to love the ring itself even if it's not what I would have picked if I'd made the choice myself.

You have a choice to make, and if you want you can try to drop hints or talk to him about it, but I would honestly be worried that he'd see that as you being ungrateful or not loving something that he carefully chose for you.  It might be better off in the long run to wait, wear it for the first years of your marriage, and talk about re-setting it either when you get it resized or maybe at a landmark anniversary in the future.

Good luck!

casyme

if you're going to take the traditional passive role in this -- HE buys the ring and you are waiting until HE decides to give you the ring -- then you're stuck.  (That's one of the many reasons why the traditional passive role for women sucks!!)  Telling him you want to exchange the ring, no matter how nicely you do it, is going to hurt his feelings very deeply, because you will be questioning his taste, and I'm sure he spent a lot of time thinking about what to get you. 

I think the only thing you can do is tell him now, before he whips out that ring, is that you've decided that you don't want any engagement ring at all (and mean it!)  He can take it back or pawn it.  It's really freeing not to have an engagement ring -- then go shopping for wedding bands with him and find something you really like!  And spend the extra money on your wedding or something else you both need. 

Julie2013

Katie, I have a similar ring story. When he decided to propose, my then-FI (now husband of 14 years) took his mother ring shopping with him. She convinced him that every woman wants lots and lots of diamonds and shine. I hated the ring from the second I saw it, but I wouldn't have dreamed of telling him so. It became impractical to wear due to it catching on things and I kept accidently scratching my kids with it, so it has been tucked away in a jewelry box for most of the last 14 years. I couldn't even wear the wedding band alone due to it being designed to tuck into the huge engagement ring. When my husband saw the kids scratched from it and me get my hand caught in something so bad that my finger swelled up and turned black-and-blue, he was fine with it landing in the jewelry box. For our vow renewal next year, I look forward to getting a new wedding band that I get to help pick out. We plan to take the original set and make jewelry for our 4 kids out of it. We hope they think it's special to have a part of their parents' original wedding ring set.

If I had to do it all over again, I'd still wear the set he gave me just so as not to hurt his feelings. I only quit wearing it when it became impractical and even he suggested not wearing it regularly any more. You will both make sacrifices in your future life together in favor of not hurting each others feelings. If I were you, I'd make this one yours.

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-ring-woesno-clue-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:11e0a102-327a-4fa2-9a5f-2cd2b53154daPost:c57d3aa2-9b4a-4339-82bb-e73e1e7c9cf2">Re: Engagement Ring Woes...NO CLUE what to do.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engagement Ring Woes...NO CLUE what to do. : Katie, I can empathize with the situation, but just to forewarn you, ladies here tell you how they feel and make no bones about telling you their opinion- especially if you ask. Don't take anything personally. You're right- they don't know you or your situation. Sometimes they do judge, but I'm sure you've been guilty of that too time and time again. If you don't like brash comments, just don't post, and if you know that there's a person who always seems to make negative comments, stay away from the boards they post on. They can hurt your feelings sometimes, but just as they don't know you, you don't know them (they don't have to be part of your life! yippee!) BUT back to your original dilemma- He thought it was the prettiest ring for you; even if its not your style, he probably put some work into finding just the right one. Even though you aren't crazy about the style, keep that in the back of your mind. And, as other PP's said, there are more possibilities that can come up when you go to re-size.
Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

Thanks. It just really irritates me when women can't just discuss issues with the man they're going to spend the rest of their lives with. IF he ever proposes to Katie, she should accept the ring with appreciation and gratitude, and move on from there.

Is it really so hard to take FI with you to the jeweler and say something like "FI, I love you, but this setting is not quite my taste. Will you help me select a new setting?"

Instead, the OP wants to "crawl under a rock and die". Come on...<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />

melb2013

I don't understand why you don't just talk to him.  He's going to be a little upset, but he'd be more upset if he wasted money on a ring you didn't like.  My best friend's mother had her husband take the engagement ring back that he originally picked out.  I told my FI when we started talking about marriage that I wanted us to pick a ring together.  We went shopping and picked out a beautiful ring, that I completely adore, together.

katiedupree

I want to thank everyone again who has offered me advice on this topic so far. I am not sure what I am going to do yet, but you all have given me a lot on insight into this issue. I have a lot to consider. 

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-ring-woesno-clue-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:11e0a102-327a-4fa2-9a5f-2cd2b53154daPost:6327a4ad-36d7-42b5-886e-3481fc1c46fe">Re: Engagement Ring Woes...NO CLUE what to do.</a>:
[QUOTE]I want to thank everyone again who has offered me advice on this topic so far. I am not sure what I am going to do yet, but you all have given me a lot on insight into this issue. I have a lot to consider. 
Posted by katiedupree[/QUOTE]

Just curious, you said that he said he's been sitting on "it."  But does he know that you know exactly what "it" is or looks like?  Because if he's just saying that he's sitting on the engagement ring in general but he didn't tell you that he got the exact one from the picture you could have an out there too.  You could tell him that you know he got the ring and you're sure it's beautiful and then show him other rings you like and ask if it looks like that because you think that one is beautiful.  It might make him think about what he got and decide to exchange it if what you're pointing at is obviously not similar to what he got.

Just add this to your list of other options from PPs.<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

fmaon06

I had a similar fiasco.  I knew my fiance was looking at engagment rings, and I picked a bunch that had the "infinity" symbol in the band.  When he told me what he had bought, this:

I was distraught.  I am a very sentimental person and doubt that I will ever get another wedding set, which is why I was so upset that it wasn't what I had wished for.  He had bought it one year ago (September 2011), though I didn't receive the ring until January 2012 meaning that the return/exchange date had already passed.

Before I received the ring, I knew that the return date was going to pass, and I was very upset and told my fiance to not inscribe anything on the ring, lest we could not return it.  He told me that he wasn't planning on returning it or exchanging it - that it was the most important purchase of his life and that he tried very hard to get me what he thought I would like.  He was proud that he incorporated curves into the design.

I still have the ring.  I still wear it every day.  I figure that perhaps I can have an interlocking wedding band that will wrap around the engagement ring and create the "infinity" design that I adore so much.  I am still not as ecstatic as I would have been otherwise, but it is definitely not the worst that could have happened.  If you let him know, he might agree with you and you can choose another ring together.  Or maybe you'll just have to grin and bear it, and possibly get a wedding ring that can be what you want in particular.  Best of luck.

ETA: a clearer picture

danielleper03

Many agreements with PP- Don't take the rude and overstepping comments seriously. Some of the opinions on here are WAY overstepping in assumptions about your personal life. Just skip those ones, it's what I do.

Secondly, I have had a strange series of events with my rings (yes rings). My FI's father (in another country on the other side of the world) bought a set as a gift, to be sent to my FI to give me and propose on my birthday. About 3 weeks prior to my birthday, FI got too excited to wait. Got me a temporary from Wal-Mart and asked (I think this is partly because I could tell it would happen on my birthday and he wanted a total surprise). Then we returned it when I got the set from his father. Which was huge. Big setting, baguettes, and little stones around the baguettes. They were a twin set so the band was the exact same without the setting. I wasn't as excited about them as I had hoped I would be because they were not at all what I wanted or liked. But after about 3 days, I loved it. It grew on me.

Sometimes, loving the ring isn't about the way it looks, but about what it comes to mean and represent. Just wait, let it grow on you. You might find that you will love it more than what you would have liked after a while.

Shlby81

Maybe you shouldn't marry him if he can't even figure out your taste in jewelry....... Na I'm kidding. Honestly just talk it out with him. His ego might be slightly hurt but talking things out will bring you closer.

[Deleted User]

I'm sorry, but why do you even already know when exactly he is going to propose??? Shouldn't it be a surprise?? 

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-ring-woesno-clue-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:11e0a102-327a-4fa2-9a5f-2cd2b53154daPost:f2bb1513-0436-4fc6-9d8a-bb9ec9b84189">Re: Engagement Ring Woes...NO CLUE what to do.</a>:
[QUOTE]Seriously? nbsp;She's ungrateful because she doesn't want a ring that she doesn't like but will have to wear for the REST OF HER LIFE? nbsp;And then in your next post, you ask if it's really that hard to tell her FI that she doesn't like the ring? You call OPs post MUD, I call yours newbie trying to biiitchy her way into the cool kids' club.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

She is ungrateful. He hasn't even proposed yet! If and when he does propose, then she should worry her pretty little head and talk to her FI. And, yeah, I think her snooping around to find the ring is really immature. Likewise, so are you for making fun of people who have any less than 22,000 posts...<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />