Inviting Friend's New Nasty Husband?

kandibaker

I invited my friend and not her s/o to our wedding. I've known her for 11 years, and I love her to death, but her then boyfriend was bad news. He was controlling where she went and who she spent her time with, holding onto her money, collecting pictures of her friends to masturbate to, and watching her sister have sex. I didn't want this scum at my wedding, and I figured with their not being married and being together less than a year, I could get away with not inviting him.

However, they got married yesterday because she needed health insurance, and he wanted to get his own student loans for college. Now she says that he needs to be invited because he's her husband.

Thoughts?

baystateapple

He should have been invited from the get-go, if they were in a serious relationship.  Yes, now that he's her husband, you need to invite him.

mica178

He needs to be invited.  Sorry.

lyndausvi

You should have invited him all along.  Sorry

kandibaker

They weren't in a serious relationship, or at least that's what she told me. I was told by him that the marriage changes nothing about their relationship. My friend wanted insurance, and he needed college loans based on his income and not his parents'.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-friends-new-nasty-husband-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:123ff965-bc0a-477c-89b7-9e57c5a3dd41Post:3269d38f-bb2f-4838-9782-316f9f166806">Re: Inviting Friend's New Nasty Husband?</a>:
[QUOTE]They weren't in a serious relationship, or at least that's what she told me. I was told by him that the marriage changes nothing about their relationship. My friend wanted insurance, and he needed college loans based on his income and not his parents'.
Posted by kandibaker[/QUOTE]

Doesn't matter.  They're legally married.

mica178

The state of their relationship doesn't matter.  They're married, so they should be treated like other married couples.  If their marriage is a sham, he won't accompany her to social functions, so she might still come alone to your wedding.  However, you do realize that marrying for a greencard is committing fraud, so your accusation of your friend is really serious.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-friends-new-nasty-husband-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:123ff965-bc0a-477c-89b7-9e57c5a3dd41Post:760452cd-c2c1-43b1-97e0-670d3ff58245">Re: Inviting Friend's New Nasty Husband?</a>:
[QUOTE]The state of their relationship doesn't matter.  They're married, so they should be treated like other married couples.  If their marriage is a sham, he won't accompany her to social functions, so she might still come alone to your wedding.  H<strong>owever, you do realize that marrying for a greencard is committing fraud, so your accusation of your friend is really serious.</strong>
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

Yeah, especially so publicly on a forum.

I was thinking the same thing about him (hopefully) not showing up to the wedding.

kandibaker

Accusation? They told me themselves. I wouldn't call that an accusation. I would call it truth. I didn't mention any names. And she put it up on her own public Facebook as well.

I know that he will show up because he doesn't let her go anywhere alone. He doesn't consider the relationship serious, but he doesn't want her doing anything that he doesn't approve of.

Anyway, I guess I got my answer. So glad he has to be there.

bczican77

I agree.. regardless of the state of their relationship, they're married now, so he needs to be invited.  :-(

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-friends-new-nasty-husband-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:123ff965-bc0a-477c-89b7-9e57c5a3dd41Post:2e492ec5-2313-402b-89b3-5f91bef72a38">Re: Inviting Friend's New Nasty Husband?</a>:
[QUOTE]Accusation? They told me themselves. I wouldn't call that an accusation. I would call it truth. I didn't mention any names. And she put it up on her own public Facebook as well. I know that he will show up because he doesn't let her go anywhere alone. He doesn't consider the relationship serious, but he doesn't want her doing anything that he doesn't approve of. Anyway, I guess I got my answer. So glad he has to be there. :/
Posted by kandibaker[/QUOTE]

<div>It sounds like you don't like this girl much either.  </div><div>
</div><div>Why are you inviting her at all?</div>

emilyinchile

Did OP edit her post to change the part about the greencard? I'm not seeing it.

kandibaker

How did you get that I don't like HER? I don't like this RELATIONSHIP. I've known her since we were in middle school. She stuck by my side when I got pregnant in high school when everyone else ditched me. She introduced my fiance and me as well. It was kind of rude to say I don't like her....

kandibaker

How did you get that I don't like HER? I don't like this RELATIONSHIP. I've known her since we were in middle school. She stuck by my side when I got pregnant in high school when everyone else ditched me. She introduced my fiance and me as well. It was kind of rude to say I don't like her...

kandibaker

I never said anything about a greencard.

And oops, posted that last one twice!

emilyinchile

OP, I asked this on the other post you made, but you only seem to be answering here - are her friends and sister ok with what this guy is doing in terms of the pictures and watching the sister have sex?

mica178

Oops, did I misread?  I can't remember if it was for a greencard or for health insurance.  Well, the marriage would be wrong in either case.

I will stand by my statement that they both need to be invited.

nurse.misty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-friends-new-nasty-husband-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:123ff965-bc0a-477c-89b7-9e57c5a3dd41Post:06658027-99c1-4dfb-a484-d855039a41c5">Re: Inviting Friend's New Nasty Husband?</a>:
[QUOTE]Did OP edit her post to change the part about the greencard? I'm not seeing it.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

She must have because I didn't know what everyone was talking about until I saw your post and figured that's what happened.

Yes you have to invite him. If she's really your friend you'll just be supportive of her. She's an adult and capable of making her own decisions. You don't have to like her decisions, but you should at least respect them.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-friends-new-nasty-husband-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:123ff965-bc0a-477c-89b7-9e57c5a3dd41Post:9641e505-468d-46d8-b0d9-0dffa9a2b841">Re: Inviting Friend's New Nasty Husband?</a>:
[QUOTE]How did you get that I don't like HER? I don't like this RELATIONSHIP. I've known her since we were in middle school. She stuck by my side when I got pregnant in high school when everyone else ditched me. She introduced my fiance and me as well. It was kind of rude to say I don't like her....
Posted by kandibaker[/QUOTE]

<div>Because of the way you talk about her in this post.  You are completely trashing her.  </div>

kandibaker

DId I make two posts? Oops.

Her family is not okay with it. There was a blind crooked in her sister's window, and he saw her having sex, told my friend about it, and then he continued to watch until they were done.

I never said anything about a greencard.

And I'm not trashing her. She has been one of my best friends for most of my life. This relationship is a tough one for me to deal with as it is with her family and a lot of her friends. She knows how I feel about him, but I still act cival towards him. If saying the truth about a relationship is trashing... then I guess that's what this is.

waltzingmatilda13

It sounds like they are both using each other for different reasons. Whatever is going on you do have to invite them both if you want her there. It's poor etiquette to break up a social unit, so just suck it up and be glad that you don't have to be involved in a long conversation with him. I talked to most people for about 5 minutes because we were so busy saying hi to everyone.

P.S. I also want to know what's going on with the pictures and watching people having sex.  *Nevermind, you answered while I was typing.

Snippylynn

I hate my stepfather, but was it going to solve a damn thing to not invite him to my wedding? Not in the least.  All it would do, in your instance, is to serve to alienate your friend and make her feel as though you are judging her.

What you SHOULD be doing, is trying to help her, provide her with support and understanding (within the realm of reason) and try to help her extricate herself from this situation.

Do any of us LOVE the etiquette on this?  Not always.  But just remember the judgements you can place on someone else's relationship are the same that can be placed upon you.  Would you like it if someone said, "I donät like your H and we're not going to invite him to the wedding.  YOU'RE invited of course!"  Blah.  It's a shitty thing to do no matter how you look at it.

emilyinchile

Ok, you answered the part about the sister, which is just sick - what about the friends. I mean, if I found out my friends BF/H had a picture of me that he used for sexual purposes, I'd be looking into a restraining order. So I'm curious as to whether these women a) know and b) consent to this.

And yes, just be patient when you hit post because it takes a while but does work, and if you hit it again you double post.

TheCranberry

I agree with Snippy.  It sucks, but it would really alienate you from your friend if you don't invite him.  And with this guy, it sounds like she can really use friends around her.

I didn't think you were trashing your friend in this thread, it's just that you don't like her H or the relationship.  Since you say she has been a good friend to you over the years, now is your time to return the favor.  Be there for her and try to think of constructive ways for her to see what this guy is all about, and hopefully she will do something about it.

kandibaker

Forgot about the pictures. No, none of them consent to his having the pictures, but they were posted online publically, so it's out of anyone's control what he does with them at this point.

I would think not inviting a step-father would be way different, but I guess I get it. Time to go extend the invitation.....

emilyinchile

That sucks. And the guy sounds like a total creep, but you're doing the right thing. Plus PPs are right - you will probably find it easier than you think to avoid him at the wedding.

kandibaker

I'm having a very small wedding. Less than 30 people. Oh well!

Moneypenny424

Wow, this guy is a complete d-bag.  Sadly, he needs to be invited.  Support your friend and hopefully she'll come to her senses and ditch this disgusting waste.

NOLAbridealmost

I found this part the most disturbing: 

 "He was controlling where she went and who she spent her time with, holding onto her money"

That is extremely abusive behavior as isolating her is the only way he can maintian control over her.  The money thing is also about control.  I think that maybe you shouldn't be focused on whether or not this warrants an invite to your wedding and focus on making sure your friend is okay.  I would be extremely worried if I were you.

But for what it's worth, I know it's rude but I wouldn't invite him if it were my friend and my wedding.  I would never break up a social unit ordinarily, but this guy seems, frankly, dangerous and predatory. 

pizzanfries4me

Kandibaker - I sent you a PM.

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-friends-new-nasty-husband-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:123ff965-bc0a-477c-89b7-9e57c5a3dd41Post:e7ecf709-c186-4882-bab5-839ce154433c">Re: Inviting Friend's New Nasty Husband?</a>:
[QUOTE]Kandibaker - I sent you a PM.
Posted by pizzanfries4me[/QUOTE]

Which invariably says, "Don't do what these biitches say!!!111 It's your special day!11!!!!!!"