Cheap friends

squeaky123

We had a lovely ceremony and reception at the Players Club 0n Gramercy Park last Saturday. Guest list was about 48, with a DJ and great food for the cocktail hour and dinner.

I can't imagine why, but several guests stiffed us (no gift at all) or gave such an insignificant gift (<$50) that I am totally perplexed. One middle aged single man with a very good job at a securities company gave us 6 DVD's, suitable for a 13 year old boy. BTW, he asked us for an invitation, even though I had not put him on the initial guest list. All the others were fairly close friends and relatives, all of which are New Yorkers, who are familiar NYC costs.

Am I being selfish? Should I not have expected a gift all? In my experience I have always given cash/gift that would come close to covering the reception cost (approx $200/pp)? Were my guest cheapskates?

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cheap-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13473c43-fe78-49fb-bd64-ff0021ca347aPost:c278ec2c-5016-4051-b741-aaed88ae80b2">Cheap friends</a>:
[QUOTE]We had a lovely ceremony and reception at the Players Club 0n Gramercy Park last Saturday. Guest list was about 48, with a DJ and great food for the cocktail hour and dinner. I can't imagine why, but several guests stiffed us (no gift at all) or gave such an insignificant gift (<$50) that I am totally perplexed. One middle aged single man with a very good job at a securities company gave us 6 DVD's, suitable for a 13 year old boy. Am I being selfish? Should I not have expected a gift all? In my experience I have always given cash/gift that would come close to covering the reception cost (approx $200/pp)? Were my guest cheapskates?
Posted by squeaky123[/QUOTE]

<div>Seriously?</div><div>
</div><div>You've got to be kidding.</div>

Mrs.B6302007

Are you the Sunday morning entertainment?

KellyBrian2013

Gifts are just that - gifts. They aren't obligations, they aren't required. Be thankful and gracious that anyone gave you anything.

theluckiest555

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cheap-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13473c43-fe78-49fb-bd64-ff0021ca347aPost:c278ec2c-5016-4051-b741-aaed88ae80b2">Cheap friends</a>:
[QUOTE]We had a lovely ceremony and reception at the Players Club 0n Gramercy Park last Saturday. Guest list was about 48, with a DJ and great food for the cocktail hour and dinner. I can't imagine why, but several guests stiffed us (no gift at all) or gave such an insignificant gift (<$50) that I am totally perplexed. <strong>One middle aged single man with a very good job at a securities company gave us 6 DVD's, suitable for a 13 year old boy.</strong> Am I being selfish? Should I not have expected a gift all? In my experience I have always given cash/gift that would come close to covering the reception cost (approx $200/pp)? Were my guest cheapskates?
Posted by squeaky123[/QUOTE]


I thnk that you have no right to judge any of your guests. Maybe they were experiencing some kind of financial difficulty? You never know. I think that you should try to just be thankful that you got gifts, and see the gifts as someone expressing happiness for your big day. Try not to look at the gifts in terms of dollars and cents.

ggirl2001

Umm I only give $200 if it's someone I'm extremely close to. If I go by myself to the wedding of an acquaintance, it's definitely not going to be $200. I don't know of many people that have $200 to throw around for a gift.

So, this has to be a joke.

sarah0725

You would be better off if you let go of these thoughts. It's up to the guests to decide what kind of gift they want to give you, if any, and it is your job to be gracious about it, no matter what happens. At the end of the day, you have a new husband, and that's what matters.

As for the whole "cover your plate" thing, I know that can be kind of a trope in North NJ/NY/Long Island, but I know that at this point in my life, I can't afford to cover the cost of me and FI at a Long Island wedding. I would hope that the bride and groom would care more about my presence than my present, and that they would be inviting me for the former rather than the latter. Did you have a lovely wedding? Are you glad these people shared your day? That's what matters.

And in the end, you have a new husband and great memories. Don't ruin friendships over wedding gifts.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cheap-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13473c43-fe78-49fb-bd64-ff0021ca347aPost:c278ec2c-5016-4051-b741-aaed88ae80b2">Cheap friends</a>:
[QUOTE] I can't imagine why, but several guests stiffed us (no gift at all) or gave such an insignificant gift (<$50) that I am totally perplexed.[/QUOTE] Gifts are not required and times are tough. It's not fair of you to pass judgment on your guests for what types of gifts they gave or if they didn't give any at all.

[QUOTE]Am I being selfish? [/QUOTE]  yes

[QUOTE]Should I not have expected a gift all? [/QUOTE] exactly

[QUOTE]In my experience I have always given cash/gift that would come close to covering the reception cost (approx $200/pp)?[/QUOTE]  That's very generous of you but you can't hold everyone to your gift-giving standards.

[QUOTE]Were my guest cheapskates?[/QUOTE] no

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cheap-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:13473c43-fe78-49fb-bd64-ff0021ca347aPost:c278ec2c-5016-4051-b741-aaed88ae80b2">Cheap friends</a>:
[QUOTE]We had a lovely ceremony and reception at the Players Club 0n Gramercy Park last Saturday. Guest list was about 48, with a DJ and great food for the cocktail hour and dinner. I can't imagine why, but several guests stiffed us (no gift at all) or gave such an insignificant gift (<$50) that I am totally perplexed. One middle aged single man with a very good job at a securities company gave us 6 DVD's, suitable for a 13 year old boy. BTW, he asked us for an invitation, even though I had not put him on the initial guest list. All the others were fairly close friends and relatives, all of which are New Yorkers, who are familiar NYC costs. <strong>Am I being selfish?</strong> Should I not have expected a gift all? In my experience I have always given cash/gift that would come close to covering the reception cost (approx $200/pp)? Were my guest cheapskates?
Posted by squeaky123[/QUOTE]
Yes. You have a very bratty attitude about this whole thing. Did you have a wedding to get gifts? Because it sure sounds like it.

CassieeK

Yes, you are being selfish.

loves2shop4shoes

If I told you that it's customary in my family to give gifts that were $10k per couple or more, would you tell me that my other guests were cheap for not giving as much?  NO!  Because while some people might have that kind of money to throw around, that's not a reasonable request for most people.  I understand that I gave you a purposely exaggerated example, but the concept is the same.

Gifts really are in the eye of the beholder.  And gifts are not obligatory.  They're not subject to standards.  The only time you have a right to be pissed about a gift is if someone literally takes a dump into a bag and gives it to you, or includes a card that says "You looked fugly today, what's the deal" or something equally offensive.

So, yeah...you're being a spoiled brat.

redheadfsu

Ditto. OP you sound like such a brat.

Be grateful that people came to your wedding.

katiebeth17

Is this a joke?

lyndausvi

I will be honest.  I would have been surprised if people didn't give us gifts at our wedding.    Monetary gifts are the norm in our circles.  DH's family is from LI and they are cover your plate people.   So yes, I would have been surprised if most of our guests didn't give us something.  

 Is it wrong I expected gifts?  Yes, but since it's the norm in our circle, it would have t strange.

Now, did I expect  people to cover their plate?  No.   Was I surprised that 2 of our single middle aged male friends didn't give us anything?  Not at all.  Do I go around calling my brother and brother-in-law cheap for not getting us anything?  No.   

Gifts are just that, gifts.   Stop focusing on what you didn't get and focus on what you did.

edited.

sarah0725

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cheap-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13473c43-fe78-49fb-bd64-ff0021ca347aPost:7475b823-80c7-4eec-be97-1c60d42bbf04">Re: Cheap friends</a>:
[QUOTE]I will be honest.  I would have been surprised if people didn't give us gifts at our wedding.    Monetary gifts are the norm in our circles.  DH's family is from LI and they are cover your plate people.   So yes, I would have been surprised if most of our guests didn't give us something.    Is it wrong I expected gifts?  Yes, but since it's the norm in our circle, it would have t strange. Now, did I expect  people to cover their plate?  No.   Was I surprised that 2 of our single middle aged male friends didn't give us anything?  Not at all.  Do I go around calling my brother and brother-in-law cheap for not getting us anything?  No.    Gifts are just that, gifts.   Stop focusing on what you did get and not what you didn't.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

This is the right way to think. Surprise is one thing - we can't help our initial thought reactions to things. It's what we do about it that counts. It sounds like OP is one step away from shaking her guests down for more money. :)

Ghoti

Lots of brats on the boards today. 

squeaky123

This post is not a joke and I am not a brat. I simply asked the question to see what other brides' had experienced.

I have many friends who are not rich, but they do go out several times  week and drops wads of money on food and drink. They all have jobs and are not wanting for anything. So why is it so different in terms of giving a wedding gift?


My cousin came in from Toronto for the wedding, she gave a small gift which I loved. Another relative came in from Philly, and even though she is on a fixed income, she apologized for giving me a vase she got at her wedding in 1954. A l;lovely gesture and I love my aunt for making the effort to come at age 80.


I did not want a shower, I have everything in life that I need. But, if I were asked to join in the most important event in a couples' life, I would not give Ace Ventura type DVD's as a gift.  Just saying...

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cheap-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13473c43-fe78-49fb-bd64-ff0021ca347aPost:9aa447a9-0815-40a8-821d-e9cc146657c3">Re: Cheap friends</a>:
[QUOTE]This post is not a joke and I am not a brat. I simply asked the question to see what other brides' had experienced. I have many friends who are not rich, but they do go out several times  week and drops wads of money on food and drink. They all have jobs and are not wanting for anything. So why is it so different in terms of giving a wedding gift? My cousin came in from Toronto for the wedding, she gave a small gift which I loved. Another relative came in from Philly, and even though she is on a fixed income, she apologized for giving me a vase she got at her wedding in 1954. A l;lovely gesture and I love my aunt for making the effort to come at age 80. I did not want a shower, I have everything in life that I need. But, if I were asked to join in the most important event in a couples' life, I would not give Ace Ventura type DVD's as a gift.  Just saying...
Posted by squeaky123[/QUOTE]

<div>You are whining after your wedding about not getting enough gifts and you think a gift for you should be a priorty over their own entertainment, and you have the audacity to say that you are not a brat?</div><div>
</div><div>Methinks you need to go look up brat in the dictionary.  </div>

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cheap-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13473c43-fe78-49fb-bd64-ff0021ca347aPost:9aa447a9-0815-40a8-821d-e9cc146657c3">Re: Cheap friends</a>:
[QUOTE]This post is not a joke and I am not a brat. I simply asked the question to see what other brides' had experienced. I have many friends who are not rich, but they do go out several times  week and drops wads of money on food and drink. They all have jobs and are not wanting for anything. So why is it so different in terms of giving a wedding gift? My cousin came in from Toronto for the wedding, she gave a small gift which I loved. Another relative came in from Philly, and even though she is on a fixed income, she apologized for giving me a vase she got at her wedding in 1954. A l;lovely gesture and I love my aunt for making the effort to come at age 80. I did not want a shower, I have everything in life that I need. But, if I were asked to join in the most important event in a couples' life, I would not give Ace Ventura type DVD's as a gift.  Just saying...
Posted by squeaky123[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think every bride has a "WTF kind of gift?" is this story to tell.    Maybe because you only had 48 people it sticks out more.  Really, it's not that uncommon.  All you can do is laugh about it.

</div>

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cheap-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13473c43-fe78-49fb-bd64-ff0021ca347aPost:9aa447a9-0815-40a8-821d-e9cc146657c3">Re: Cheap friends</a>:
[QUOTE]This post is not a joke and I am not a brat. I simply asked the question to see what other brides' had experienced.<strong> I have many friends who are not rich, but they do go out several times  week and drops wads of money on food and drink. They all have jobs and are not wanting for anything. So why is it so different in terms of giving a wedding gift?</strong> My cousin came in from Toronto for the wedding, she gave a small gift which I loved. Another relative came in from Philly, and even though she is on a fixed income, she apologized for giving me a vase she got at her wedding in 1954. A l;lovely gesture and I love my aunt for making the effort to come at age 80. I did not want a shower, I have everything in life that I need. But, if I were asked to join in the most important event in a couples' life, I would not give Ace Ventura type DVD's as a gift.  Just saying...
Posted by squeaky123[/QUOTE]

Because it's none of your business what they spend their money on.  So what if they go out all the time?  It's THEIR money to spend how they wish.  It doesn't mean that they have to give every spare cent to you just because you got married

FI and I are pretty comfortable, but a friend of his got married and was being a complete douchewad about it and continually talking about how much their parents spent on the wedding and how much they were expecting in gifts.  That really offended us, so we didn't give them a penny.  You know why?  Because they acted like the world revolved around them because they were getting married.  Had they shown a little more humility and grace, perhaps we would have been inclined to give them something.  But I'm sorry, whiney brats who demand MY money aren't going to get crap from me...

courtney1188

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cheap-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13473c43-fe78-49fb-bd64-ff0021ca347aPost:9aa447a9-0815-40a8-821d-e9cc146657c3">Re: Cheap friends</a>:
[QUOTE]This post is not a joke and I am not a brat. I simply asked the question to see what other brides' had experienced. I have many friends who are not rich, but they do go out several times  week and drops wads of money on food and drink. They all have jobs and are not wanting for anything. So why is it so different in terms of giving a wedding gift? My cousin came in from Toronto for the wedding, she gave a small gift which I loved. Another relative came in from Philly, and even though she is on a fixed income, she apologized for giving me a vase she got at her wedding in 1954. A l;lovely gesture and I love my aunt for making the effort to come at age 80. I did not want a shower, I have everything in life that I need. But, if I were asked to join in the most important event in a couples' life, I would not give Ace Ventura type DVD's as a gift.  Just saying...
Posted by squeaky123[/QUOTE]

Judging how other people spend their money and what kind of gift they give you IS being a brat. Especially when you come on the knot after getting married just to whine about it. Everyone ehre thinks you're being incredibly selfish and bratty, so take the reality check, work on your gratitude levels, and go write some thank you notes to let everyone know how much you appreciate them being a part of your wedding day and being there to support the two of you.

SparrowSong

I'm willing to bet the guy who gave you the DVDs is a crappy gift giver in general. The kind of guy who gifts a shoe rack or a economy package of replacement vacuum bags to his wife/girlfriend for their anniversary.

Queen Jane

Seriously, who passed out the kool-aid?? ETA: I'd be livid if I gave someone $50 of my hard earned money only to have the receiver call it insignificant. Grow up.

DramaGeek

OP, we all get bizarre gifts.  Hell, most of the gifts from H's side went straight to Goodwill, they were that bad.  But we diidn't whine or complain and call them bad gift givers or consider them cheap.  We laughed about it, were thankful for the nice things we did receive, and focused on the fact that we had a great time with all of our guests at our wedding - even the bad gift giving ones.

As far as not giving enough cash, well, that's bratty in my book.  You don't get to dictate how they spend their money.  Be happy for what they did give you and move on.

Cony&Ben

From the Merriam-Webster Dictionary,

gift: something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation

musicalsunlight

Well aren't you just incredibly irritating.

mica178

OP -- I am not from NY, so I am less familiar with the customs there, but in general, you should never expect gifts, and what gifts you do receive should be received graciously.  (Also, remember that it's up to your friends and family to decide if they're going to spend a lot of money going out to eat and less money on gifts for friends.)  Not all gifts I received were to my taste, but I appreciated the sentiment, and I was just happy that the person showed up to celebrate with us. 

redheadfsu

You are a brat, because you are whining that you didn't get gifts/ good enough gifts. Which is what a child does, not a mature adult. The point of the wedding is not gifts. Focus on your marriage & the memories of your wedding, not the material gifts. 

mandalove7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cheap-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13473c43-fe78-49fb-bd64-ff0021ca347aPost:53a13e10-8b00-4be1-abbb-9f187b169200">Re: Cheap friends</a>:
[QUOTE]From the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, gift : something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation
Posted by Cony&Ben[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I LOVE your siggy pic! so cute.</div><div>
</div><div>I agree with the PPs, you are being selfish. I couldn't imagine complaining about my guests on a forum. Be thankful that they came to your wedding and whether you received a gift or not, at the end of the day you are still married. Get over it.

</div>

lazydayz2003

If you say that you did not "want" any gifts than why did you not want a bridal shower? Obviously you wanted the gifts. Perhaps since you have such a braty attitude no one wanted to throw you a shower that could meet your "standards". I think your being very rude to your guests. Imagine how they would feel if they found out what you were saying.....

A wedding is NOT about gifts. It should be a special beautiful day. You made your wedding unsignificant.

ootmother2

Players Club?  No wonder they stiffed you!

Now if you had said the Knickerbocker Club, I would understand.  The last wedding I went to at KC, I gave the couple a Tiffany Vase, nothing huge, about $500