Wedding Etiquette Forum

Is it ok to plan your own bridal shower?

So unfortunately my MOH can't throw me a bridal shower since she doesn't have a place or a job, nor would I think she even would have the desire to if she could. I still really want to have a bridal shower for the memories (I don't really care about gifts).  Would it be ridiculous to help my mom plan my own bridal shower?


EDIT: Wow glad I asked, I have only been to one before so I didn't really know. I see the "gift grabby" image that it could put off, though originally I wasn't thinking that at all.  As mentioned previously I don't even want gift,s I just wanted the experience of getting everyone together to mingle and have a nice time.  Oh well I'll live without one!
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Re: Is it ok to plan your own bridal shower?

  • beardownbchsbeardownbchs member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited January 2013
    Yes, it would be ridiculous and rude. Lots of brides don't get showers. You only get one if someone - doesn't have to be your MOH - throws one for you. 

    Also, per etiquette, your mom shouldn't be throwing you one either. I think this has lightened up lately, but it depends on your area and circle. 

    But please, for the love of god, do NOT throw yourself a shower, or even be involved in planning IF someone is kind enough to throw one for you. 

    EDIT: Please - also do not go trolling around shopping for someone to throw a shower for you. I'm not saying you are, but I've seen it happen. The "woe is me, I'm so neglected, no one loves me enough to throw me a shower" attitude is even more disgusting than throwing yourself a shower. 
  • I didn't have a shower. I really don't think this is one of those things you will look back on missing all that terribly. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • If you really want everyone to get together for a party maybe host a brunch at your place or something like that? Just call it brunch rather than a bridal shower and maybe trim the guestlist down from what would have been invited to a shower.
  • edited January 2013
    Absolutely not ok!  Bridal showers are to be hosted for you, if someone is able to do so, but they are not a requirement. Hosting your own shower and/or bachelorette party is a huge faux pas.  It is not common for your mother to host one either.

    If you were to be hosting your own, even though you say no gifts, it is perceived as being "gift grabby" by many.
  • Not in any way shape or form is that okay. You sound as if you're considering asking your mom to help throw it, because if she had offered I don't see why you'd be sitting here wishing you were having one. If she wants to, that's kind of okay, but you should have no involvement in your own shower. If you were to do that, you'd be lucky to only be spoken badly about behind your back. I would NEVER go shower a bride with gifts who threw the party herself.
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  • In Response to Re: Is it ok to plan your own bridal shower?:
     Also, per etiquette, your mom shouldn't be throwing you one either. I think this has lightened up lately, but it depends on your area and circle.   
    Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE]

    Is this really true?  I know that my mom, FMIL, and Godmother are going to be working together to throw my bridal shower.  
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  • loca4pookloca4pook member
    First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-plan-your-own-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:13ab5442-1a18-4280-ac8e-0fe8ee271d31Post:162ce589-5302-4ce9-9d10-a662e8413ed5">Re: Is it ok to plan your own bridal shower?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to plan your own bridal shower? :  Also, per etiquette, your mom shouldn't be throwing you one either. I think this has lightened up lately, but it depends on your area and circle.    Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE] Is this really true?  I know that my mom, FMIL, and Godmother are going to be working together to throw my bridal shower.  
    Posted by 50ShadesofMe[/QUOTE]

    This might be a regional thing. Around here, everyone I know had one hosted by their mothers or sisters. That seems to be MORE common than anything else.

    If your mom will host it, I am sure that is fine. Like others said, just don't ask.
  • Per etiquette rules, yes. Way back when, when a daughter lived with her parents until she was married, it was her mother's job to make sure she had everything she needed to be a wife. So it was considered rude for a mother to ask people to give her daughter gifts. ..I think.

    But in my area and circle, I have never been to a shower where the mother wasn't hugely involved. I've even seen one or two when the RSVPs when to the mother's house, not someone else. Some people and some areas are still very against moms throwing showers, but not as much in my area. 
  • In my area/circle the MOB can cohost, but people would most likely think it's gift grabby or just plain weird if she hosted. Just don't go around asking people to throw you a shower. You wouldn't go around asking people to throw you a birthday party, why would a wedding event be any different?
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  • The entire point of a shower is to get gifts.  Nothing else, but to get gifts.   People generally don't like when friends invite them over and ask them to bring a gift.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Did your mom offer?  If so, it's fine, although you shouldn't be helping to plan.  
  • Question: is it okay for the bride to help the host(s) make food for the event? Or help decorate/clean up?
  • Oh wow.  Maybe it is a regional thing.  I know when all of my cousins were married, the RSVP were to my aunts (their mothers).  I would never host one myself, and I know my mom is planning on renting out a catering hall or restaurant for it.  My godmother is going to help organize along with my FMIL.  If it were up to me, I wouldn't have one.  I actually don't like them.
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  • I actually did say that and my parents would not hear of it, either would my godmother or FMIL.  I guess sometimes we just have to suck it up and do things to make other people happy LOL.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-plan-your-own-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13ab5442-1a18-4280-ac8e-0fe8ee271d31Post:58b610bc-ce02-456f-9358-1ea424474684">Re: Is it ok to plan your own bridal shower?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to plan your own bridal shower? : I didn't want a shower either, but everyone else really wanted me to have one. It was easier to just go along with it than argue. I think my mom's feeling would have been hurt. It was nice to see the ladies of the family, and presents are always nice, it won't be as bad as you think.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thanks!  At least I'm not the only one aiming to please LOL.  My mom and FMIL did make a good point.  Both myself and FI live at home, it was a choice we made for both financial and personal reasons, so when we do get our apartment/house/condo (whatever we can afford), we won't have much in terms of household items, so they look at it like its a good way to receive some items for the future place of living.</div>
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  • melb2013melb2013 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited January 2013
    I had to put my foot down with certain people about not having a shower.  There were two people in particular (not my mom though) who REALLY wanted me to have a shower, but I just don't like showers.  I think if people really know you, they will understand you not wanting a shower.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-plan-your-own-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13ab5442-1a18-4280-ac8e-0fe8ee271d31Post:056d958b-c763-43b2-b348-848aaff87a4d">Is it ok to plan your own bridal shower?</a>:
    [QUOTE]So unfortunately my MOH can't throw me a bridal shower since she doesn't have a place or a job, nor would I think she even would have the desire to if she could. I still really want to have a bridal shower for the memories (I don't really care about gifts).  Would it be ridiculous to help my mom plan my own bridal shower?
    Posted by blondii428[/QUOTE]

    <div>You should not have anything to do with a shower beyond providing the hostess with a guest list and coordinating on the date for said shower to be held.</div>
  • My wedding is rather small, and the only people attending are family. My bridal party is my 2 cousins, and my fiances cousin. My family really wants me to have a shower, so I agreed but told my mom NO GIFTS. We can have a get together and have something to eat but no gifts what so ever. I also said if someone realy wants to give me gift i would rather they make a donation to first responder charity (we have cops and firefighters in the family) So maybe you can do that.
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  • Afraid not.  Nor are mothers supposed to host them either.  If you don't have someone to do it for you, unfortunately it means you need to let it go.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-plan-your-own-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13ab5442-1a18-4280-ac8e-0fe8ee271d31Post:c309d0b4-ffde-4f02-a8d8-d07bd76f81bc">Re: Is it ok to plan your own bridal shower?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My wedding is rather small, and the only people attending are family. My bridal party is my 2 cousins, and my fiances cousin. My family really wants me to have a shower, so I agreed but told my mom NO GIFTS. We can have a get together and have something to eat but no gifts what so ever. I also said if someone realy wants to give me gift i would rather they make a donation to first responder charity (we have cops and firefighters in the family) <strong>So maybe you can do that.</strong>
    Posted by nikkiborge[/QUOTE]

    No, actually one can't dictate to would-be gift givers to donate to charity rather than receive gifts.  If someone wants to give a couple a gift, they have to accept it and graciously thank the giver.  THEN they can donate it if one doesn't want to keep it.  But they cannot tell others to donate in lieu of giving them a gift.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-plan-your-own-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13ab5442-1a18-4280-ac8e-0fe8ee271d31Post:c309d0b4-ffde-4f02-a8d8-d07bd76f81bc">Re: Is it ok to plan your own bridal shower?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My wedding is rather small, and the only people attending are family. My bridal party is my 2 cousins, and my fiances cousin. My family really wants me to have a shower, so I agreed but told my mom NO GIFTS. We can have a get together and have something to eat but no gifts what so ever. I<strong> also said if someone realy wants to give me gift i would rather they make a donation to first responder charity</strong> (we have cops and firefighters in the family) So maybe you can do that.
    Posted by nikkiborge[/QUOTE]

    <div>This isn't appropriate. </div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-plan-your-own-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13ab5442-1a18-4280-ac8e-0fe8ee271d31Post:c309d0b4-ffde-4f02-a8d8-d07bd76f81bc">Re: Is it ok to plan your own bridal shower?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My wedding is rather small, and the only people attending are family. My bridal party is my 2 cousins, and my fiances cousin. My family really wants me to have a shower, so I agreed but told my mom NO GIFTS. We can have a get together and have something to eat but no gifts what so ever. I also said if someone realy wants to give me gift i would rather they make a donation to first responder charity (we have cops and firefighters in the family) So maybe you can do that.
    Posted by nikkiborge[/QUOTE]

    <div>You don't get to tell people a.) they can't give you a gift or b.) they have to give to a charity.  It's really rude, and it takes away their enjoyment at getting to give you something to help you start your married life.  The tradition exists because people wanted to be a part of that.  If you don't want to graciously accept whatever they chose to give you, maybe your mom could host a bridal luncheon instead, but if you call it a shower, people will expect to shower you with gifts.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-plan-your-own-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:13ab5442-1a18-4280-ac8e-0fe8ee271d31Post:ea410dd2-ae1b-4d5a-bb46-af65eda1e3b6">Re: Is it ok to plan your own bridal shower?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Per etiquette rules, yes. Way back when, when a daughter lived with her parents until she was married, it was her mother's job to make sure she had everything she needed to be a wife. So it was considered rude for a mother to ask people to give her daughter gifts. ..I think. But in my area and circle, I have never been to a shower where the mother wasn't hugely involved. I've even seen one or two when the RSVPs when to the mother's house, not someone else. Some people and some areas are still very against moms throwing showers, but not as much in my area. 
    Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE]

    I agree. I live in Chicago suburbs and have never even heard of this "no mother" rule until I got to the Knot. Pretty much anyone I have ever known had their shower thrown by their mother (or sisters). This is definitely a regional thing......
  • I personally think the 'no mothers involved' rule is outdated since most brides don't live with their families right up until they switch to living with thier new husband.  

    My MIL and my SIL begged me to let them plan the party, and host it.  My MIL has a gorgeous back yard that she looooooves to throw parties in.  So she set it up like an English tea party, and we all put on nice dresses with big hats.  It was really cute and fun.  And nobody got the vapors over them planning it since my entire bridal party, save my SIL, lived out of town.

    Denying my future family members the chance to do something they really wanted to do, made them happy, and allowed them to make a great 'welcome to the family' gesture for a new family member, would have made them extremely sad.  They would have only wondered why I didn't think they were good enough, and why I was being such a standoffish b$%*.
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  • In Response to Re:Is it ok to plan your own bridal shower?:[QUOTE]My wedding is rather small, and the only people attending are family. My bridal party is my 2 cousins, and my fiances cousin. My family really wants me to have a shower, so I agreed but told my mom NO GIFTS. We can have a get together and have something to eat but no gifts what so ever. I also said if someone realy wants to give me gift i would rather they make a donation to first responder charity we have cops and firefighters in the family So maybe you can do that. Posted by nikkiborge[/QUOTE]
    If the whole point of a bridal shower is to give gifts, then what's the point of having one?
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  • The point of having one is to spend time with people, talk and just have fun I guess. It's a good time to bond with the women of my future family and have some girl time with everyone. If you ask me the whole tradition of being showered with gifts before a wedding where you get more gifts comes off as 'grabby' as well. I'm my mothers only daughter and if she wants to organize an event for me I'm not going to stand in her way if it makes her happy. Maybe the original poster can loose the title of bridal shower to something less traditional. And I'm sorry but what's the difference between registering ie telling people what you want and from where and providing a list of charities? You're still telling them what you want, in this case I want a donation to be made. At the end of the day it's your wedding darling. None of these people are invited and the ones who you do invite will accept the invitation and come to celebrate. The ones who think its distasteful wont accept and that's one less tummy to fill with food. I understand the need for following tradition but in our society today old traditions aren't easily accommodated with the change in the times. Just have fun and don't stress! You're coming up to one of the happiest days of your life!
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  • "The point of having one is to spend time with people, talk and just have fun I guess." You need to have someone throw you a party where you're the center if attention for this? I absolutely agree she should lose the title "bridal shower." Then SHE can invite people over and host them herself.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-plan-your-own-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13ab5442-1a18-4280-ac8e-0fe8ee271d31Post:f52022df-9e3c-4ed7-9ec2-b2ca2081d432">Re:Is it ok to plan your own bridal shower?</a>:
    [QUOTE]The point of having one is to spend time with people, talk and just have fun I guess. It's a good time to bond with the women of my future family and have some girl time with everyone. If you ask me the whole tradition of being showered with gifts before a wedding where you get more gifts comes off as 'grabby' as well. I'm my mothers only daughter and if she wants to organize an event for me I'm not going to stand in her way if it makes her happy. Maybe the original poster can loose the title of bridal shower to something less traditional. And I'm sorry but what's the difference between registering ie telling people what you want and from where and providing a list of charities? You're still telling them what you want, in this case I want a donation to be made. At the end of the day it's your wedding darling. None of these people are invited and the ones who you do invite will accept the invitation and come to celebrate. The ones who think its distasteful wont accept and that's one less tummy to fill with food. I understand the need for following tradition but <strong>in our society today old traditions aren't easily accommodated </strong>with the change in the times. Just have fun and don't stress! You're coming up to one of the happiest days of your life!
    Posted by nikkiborge[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>So it's okay to be rude because it's easier?</div><div>
    </div><div>Also, can we PLEASE get a sticky on this board explaining that etiquette and tradition are not synonymous? </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-plan-your-own-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13ab5442-1a18-4280-ac8e-0fe8ee271d31Post:f52022df-9e3c-4ed7-9ec2-b2ca2081d432">Re:Is it ok to plan your own bridal shower?</a>:
    [QUOTE]The point of having one is to spend time with people, talk and just have fun I guess. It's a good time to bond with the women of my future family and have some girl time with everyone. If you ask me the whole tradition of being showered with gifts before a wedding where you get more gifts comes off as 'grabby' as well. I'm my mothers only daughter and if she wants to organize an event for me I'm not going to stand in her way if it makes her happy. Maybe the original poster can loose the title of bridal shower to something less traditional. And I'm sorry but what's the difference between registering ie telling people what you want and from where and providing a list of charities? You're still telling them what you want, in this case I want a donation to be made. At the end of the day it's your wedding darling. None of these people are invited and the ones who you do invite will accept the invitation and come to celebrate. The ones who think its distasteful wont accept and that's one less tummy to fill with food. I understand the need for following tradition but in our society today old traditions aren't easily accommodated with the change in the times. Just have fun and don't stress! You're coming up to one of the happiest days of your life!
    Posted by nikkiborge[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Dude these are called bridal luncheons.  It's a different event.  A shower is a gift-giving event.

    </div>
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  • Wow glad I asked, I have only been to one before so I didn't really know. I see the "gift grabby" image that it could put off, though originally I wasn't thinking that at all.  As mentioned previously I don't even want gift,s I just wanted the experience of getting everyone together to mingle and have a nice time.  Oh well I'll live without one!
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