Bridesmaids and Rehearsal dinner (long*)

Simply Fated

I understand that because you gave them a year notice to take off from work you assume they will take the time off, but, unfortunately for you, you can't dictate what days they choose to take off from work.

Life isn't tit for tat. It's great that you did all those things for them, but you didn't have to. Now you have the chance to be the bigger person here and treat your girls with patience and respect. I hope you embrace this oppurtunity.

rknox88

If for each time the word rehearsal or rehearsal dinner appeared it instead said 'wedding' I could understand your feelings.

They aren't sure they can make it to the wedding
They might be late to the wedding
They are leaving at 4 to try and make the wedding at 6

But the RD? Seriously? As a med student I am sure you realize the stress and work that goes into completing it successfully-do not under any circumstances ask or imply that they should jeopardize their comfort with how they complete their schooling for your wedding.  Remember, no one is ever as excited for your wedding as you are.  You asked these girls to be your BMs because you wanted to share your special day with them.  So share it and quit stressing about the RD.  Share that special time with those who are able to make it.

Mofongo

I really dislike the notion that all bridesmaids do is show up, wear a dress and walk down the aisle. I have been a bridesmaid  nine times and I have never just shown up at the wedding. I was honored to be in my friends weddings and enjoyed being involved and planned parties for them. I was also lucky because all of the brides were very gracious and easy going. My bridesmaids did the same for me.

I also really enjoy rehearsal dinners, to me they are more intimate and personal than the wedding reception.

I lurk on this board occasionally and whenever I have seen this come up, a bunch of 'regulars' jump in and start with 'all they have to do is show up'. I would never approach a friends wedding with that attitude.

OP, I get why you're upset, a year away is plenty of time for them to plan appropriately. My husband is an MD and we were together through residency, it's not that hard to schedule time off, especially in advance. You obviously have no control over what they decide, but can you talk to them about how you feel?

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b96d4b4-cc66-47ec-ad6b-c5267f2d0c0fPost:1be79db9-2808-4414-8b94-db8a6aefcaa6">Re: Bridesmaids and Rehearsal dinner (long*)</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I really dislike the notion that all bridesmaids do is show up, wear a dress and walk down the aisle. I have been a bridesmaid  nine times and I have never just shown up at the wedding. I was honored to be in my friends weddings and enjoyed being involved and planned parties for them.</strong> I was also lucky because all of the brides were very gracious and easy going. My bridesmaids did the same for me. I also really enjoy rehearsal dinners, to me they are more intimate and personal than the wedding reception. I lurk on this board occasionally and whenever I have seen this come up, a bunch of 'regulars' jump in and start with 'all they have to do is show up'. I would never approach a friends wedding with that attitude. OP, I get why you're upset, a year away is plenty of time for them to plan appropriately. My husband is an MD and we were together through residency, it's not that hard to schedule time off, especially in advance. You obviously have no control over what they decide, but can you talk to them about how you feel?
Posted by Mofongo[/QUOTE]

Just because you did more doesn't mean it was required. As a good friend of the bride, yes, you should want to do more and pitch in. For a bride to come out with responsibility cards and having expectations is simply ridiculous, because they're often unreasonable. I hate the fact that brides seem to forget that they're presumably marrying someone who could also help with favors, invitations, etc. If you've been lurking a while, surely you've seen some of the ridiculous tasks brides expect of their bridesmaids. To threaten to ungift a hotel stay over the rehearsal dinner falls into the "ridiculous" category for me.

Mofongo

I don't see where OP said she made responsibility cards or asked for help with favors, etc. I've also never helped a bride with those jobs and  my bridesmaids did not help me with that stuff. You really are making a lot of generalizations. I understand people have lives that don't revolve around standing in a wedding, but I get why the OP is hurt and I don't think she deserved all of the 'bridesmaids only have to show up' responses.

I do agree that she should still pay for the rooms. I may have misread, but I don't see that she actually 'threatened' them with this, but that it was more of a knee jerk reaction thought to her feelings being hurt.

rknox88

Word, Brookelyn.

Should bridesmaids do more than show up? Yeah, probably. Do they have to? No.

You picked these girls and gave them gifts-you have to lay with those decisions. 

But seriously, there is going to be so much stuff stressing you out surrounding your wedding just let this one go.  Save you energy for the really important part-the honeymoon

brookelynpaisley

Dear Mofongo, I present to you evidence from the OP:

They are aware of the responsibilities that come with being BMs.  She gave us responsibility cards.
This implies to me that since they were given responsibility cards at a previous wedding, they know what is expected and she's expecting the same.

I don't think it is fair for us to pay for thier rooms and they don't even show up to the rehearsal dinner. 
She's outright saying she thinks she can reneg on a previous offer to pay for rooms if they're not at the RD.

BrideJackie11

The reason we picked June 11 had to do with the three of our schedules.  Every year the new interns start July 1st.  You are not supposed to take vacation the last 2 weeks of June or first 2 weeks of July.  I am because I let them know in advance.  Yes, I agree that they do not have to do the same but I asked them about this when I asked them about being BMs.   To me, it is not about rehearsing because all of you have pointed out that you can walk down the aisle fine and it's not that hard.  It is about being there with me the night before the biggest day of my life.  What I meant by all they have to do is show up at the RD was they aren't taking on additional financial obligations by being there for the RD.  The only reason they have not come is that they aren't willing to take the day off.  I agree I can't force them to do this, nor I shouldn't be worrying about this at this time but it upset me for them to inform me of this in the way that they did and felt like why would I pay for their room when they come later than the RD on Friday night.  It's not that hard to inform the department and get a day off as some of us on here know.  The call schedule is made every 6 months as well.  They aren't jepardizing their medical school education.  We have all already graduated.

strlzfan11

If the call schedule is made six months out, doesn't that give them about 5 months to decide what they want to do in terms of requesting  day off?

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b96d4b4-cc66-47ec-ad6b-c5267f2d0c0fPost:361a0d0a-408a-461d-94fe-85700f5661be">Re: Bridesmaids and Rehearsal dinner (long*)</a>:
[QUOTE]The reason we picked June 11 had to do with the three of our schedules.  Every year the new interns start July 1st.  You are not supposed to take vacation the last 2 weeks of June or first 2 weeks of July.  I am because I let them know in advance.  Yes, I agree that they do not have to do the same but I asked them about this when I asked them about being BMs.   To me, it is not about rehearsing because all of you have pointed out that you can walk down the aisle fine and it's not that hard.  It is about being there with me the night before the biggest day of my life.  What I meant by all they have to do is show up at the RD was they aren't taking on additional financial obligations by being there for the RD.  The only reason they have not come is that they aren't willing to take the day off.  I agree I can't force them to do this, nor I shouldn't be worrying about this at this time but it upset me for them to inform me of this in the way that they did and felt like why would I pay for their room when they come later than the RD on Friday night.  It's not that hard to inform the department and get a day off as some of us on here know.  The call schedule is made every 6 months as well.  They aren't jepardizing their medical school education.  We have all already graduated.
Posted by BrideJackie11[/QUOTE]

While I understand wanting them to be there and asking them to strongly consider at least trying to fly out 2 hours earlier, you can't force them to do so and if they don't or can't, it doesn't make them bad friends.  It just means they have a different priority for the day before your wedding than you do. 

I would still want to pay for their rooms on Friday night for two reasons - 1, because that was the arrangement, and 2, because I would sleep better knowing they were already in town and could get up & start getting ready asap on Saturday morning with no potential flight delays to stress about.

And - you weren't attacked.  Not even close.  Telling you that your attitude is selfish is just factual.  If they had thrown in extra adjectives, I could see your point of view, but you're wearing your feelings on your sleeve here. 

Take a step back, work on something else wedding related, and don't even worry about this until after Halloween.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b96d4b4-cc66-47ec-ad6b-c5267f2d0c0fPost:8519676d-fde9-4790-b8ab-0aa285bdbe0c">Re: Bridesmaids and Rehearsal dinner (long*)</a>:
[QUOTE]Dear Mofongo, I present to you evidence from the OP: They are aware of the responsibilities that come with being BMs.  She gave us responsibility cards. This implies to me that since they were given responsibility cards at a previous wedding, they know what is expected and she's expecting the same. I don't think it is fair for us to pay for thier rooms and they don't even show up to the rehearsal dinner.   She's outright saying she thinks she can reneg on a previous offer to pay for rooms if they're not at the RD.
Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]

You quoted only a portion of the OP's post and left out the critical part; the part about responsibility cards was the OP describing what she received when she was a bridesmaid for one of the girls in question; the OP did not give her bridesmaids any cards and says she advised the girls that they needed to be there for the rehearsal when asking them to be bridesmaids.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b96d4b4-cc66-47ec-ad6b-c5267f2d0c0fPost:30958e16-ba32-41ce-b5b2-b9624c220191">Re: Bridesmaids and Rehearsal dinner (long*)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids and Rehearsal dinner (long*) : You quoted only a portion of the OP's post and left out the critical part; the part about responsibility cards was the OP describing what she received when she was a bridesmaid for one of the girls in question; the OP did not give her bridesmaids any cards and says she advised the girls that they needed to be there for the rehearsal when asking them to be bridesmaids.
Posted by vegasgroom[/QUOTE]

And by stating, "They gave me responsibility cards," It implies that if one bride (who is now a BM) gave this card, that the now BM should understand what's required of her.  Otherwise, stating that detail wasn't necessary in the first place.

aprilhaynes

What I hear is a very inflexible set of expectations for your friends. While they are willing to go the extra mile for you, as evidenced by the fact that they are taking the weekend to fly to your wedding and stand up for you, I think you might want to go easy on them, or find a way that works for their current life situation a bit more comfortably.

As other posters have remarked, it is also clear that you need to let go of some things. If you did not want to pay for things for them, you should not have offered. It would be very selfish and immature to now take that away, just because meeting your timeline is hard for them to do. Furthermore, it is unreasonable and unfair to hold anything nice that you have done for them previously over their heads, as if they "owe you" now.

I'm sorry you're disappointed. But I think you're out of line here.

shortee426

vegasgroom = bridejackie11's FI?

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b96d4b4-cc66-47ec-ad6b-c5267f2d0c0fPost:52b0f937-4ed0-477f-8d3e-8162745d049e">Re: Bridesmaids and Rehearsal dinner (long*)</a>:
[QUOTE]vegasgroom = bridejackie11's FI?
Posted by shortee426[/QUOTE]

That's me; I didn't start posting until after I asked her though since I didn't want her to know it was coming soon.

Just for the sake of the thread, after seeing some of the responses and getting an idea how those who aren't the bride might think if put in the same situation, I told her I think she should just consider it a non-issue and not think about it; we enjoy our time, if all the BM's are there to have fun with us for the whole time then they are, if they're not, then they're not, we have fun with whomever is around us at each event leading up to the wedding either way and those that miss it miss out.  There will be no promises taken back, we're not goign to send them to Motel 6 and McDonalds for dinner when they arrive, if they make the rehearsal then fine, if not we'll see them that night; she's just emotional right now what with graduating med school, getting engaged, having to plan a destination wedding and starting six day a week work all in the span of a month.  I'm playing the devil's advocate when needed during our planning and keeping things on track. :)

Not that I can't see her side of course, she did tell all the girls explicitly that she wanted them there for the rehearsal when asking them to be bridesmaids and that she'd pay for their expenses to ensure they could be, but people are people and you don't always get what you want; coming close is still pretty good.  She asked them right after we got engaged when they had probably pushed any thoughts of having a new job to start at in a month out of their heads and were excited to be done with school, to be asked to be BM's and to accept, so minor details were not in their train of thoughts. 

I'm getting her mind off it with much more critical things to worry about like what kind of champagne to have for the toast and wondering how many bottles of Patron the groomsmen and I might consume the night before.

wadingmoose

Your wedding is a year away.

At this moment you sound like a very, very young control freak.

Theresa626

You are angry and I totally understand.  But, I don't know that there's much you can do at this point.  All you can really do is keep emphasizing to them how much it hurts your feeling that they are not there.  If they still don't come, you're just going to have to take it in stride.  Remember, at least you will save money on their dinner at the rehearsal.