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When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale

I posted on here once before under a different name, not long after I had gotten engaged. I was excited and had never been to weddings outside of my small town, where we apparently have no etiquette. I did not like the responses I got, so I ignored them and did not come back.

I planned my wedding the way I wanted. I had my BMs and MOH help me plan and get things done, I had them all come to pick out the dresses, and I hosted regular get togethers so they could all get to know each other. I wanted the whole experience.

Well two of the BMs (lets call them A and B) butted heads. It was pretty much over control about everything. I basically told them they needed to get over it and be adults for my day, and still insisted on everyone attending the get togethers.

My wedding was on Saturday and tension between those two was at an all time high. At the rehearsal dinner on Friday, they argued over who would go first (not first first, but first before the other) down the aisle. I then decided it would go by height. 

On Saturday before the ceremony when we're all lining up to go down the aisle, there's a commotion and I see BM A had changed her heels to a higher pair on the way over to the church so she could be taller and go first. At that point, BM B grabs A by the hair and yanks her down to the ground and they proceed to get in a cat fight which ends up tearing my dress at the bottom. Guests can see this happening, it is right as we're about to walk in. A bunch of people jumped up to break up the fight, and of course I told A and B to leave. 

There was a delay and then we did go on with the ceremony. I got to marry the man of my dreams, but the wedding was an embarrassing disaster.
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Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale

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    LOL....I'm so sorry this happened. Please find new friends! Hopefully you can laugh at this later
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    Wow I can't believe anyone would get that worked up over walking order....
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    I love that you came back to tell us how it went!

    My friend and her then fiance kept doing that... hosting get togethers for the bridal party. And yeah she got annoyed if any of us couldn't make it. There was about 4 or 5 of them in a about a year span. It ended well, but there was some drama mixed in, for sure.

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    What does this have to do with etiquette? Unless you're speaking from your friends standpoint....
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    I'm so sorry that they behaved that way at their wedding, but I would have paid money to see a bridesmaid catfight:-)    I hope in a few years you'll be able to look back and laugh.  

    Are you still friends with them?
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    How badly was your dress ripped?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-you-ignore-the-etiquette-board-a-cautionary-tale?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dc6e4e7-0808-47b7-b4f3-7c71bdedab6fPost:d4e6faab-8444-4dd8-8dff-4a83029289c1">Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale</a>:
    [QUOTE]What does this have to do with etiquette? Unless you're speaking from your friends standpoint....
    Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

    <div>I would venture to say her original question under the other name had to do with either selecting a bridal party too early, giving "tasks" to BMs, etc...</div><div>
    </div><div>Sorry this happened...  It's better to see their true colors now rather than later.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-you-ignore-the-etiquette-board-a-cautionary-tale?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dc6e4e7-0808-47b7-b4f3-7c71bdedab6fPost:d4e6faab-8444-4dd8-8dff-4a83029289c1">Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale</a>:
    [QUOTE]What does this have to do with etiquette? Unless you're speaking from your friends standpoint....
    Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm guessing that the OP's original question was something along the lines of "What jobs should I give my BMs?" or "What sort of activities should I plan so my BMs can get to know each other?".  We probably told her that all they need to do is show up on the wedding day in the dress.  And now perhaps she feels that if she didn't have all of these forced BM get togethers, these to girls would not have had the opportunity to get to know (and grow to hate) each other.  I'm just guessing, so OP, feel free to set the record straight.</div><div>
    </div><div>OP, I'm so sorry that this happened.  Some people are just immature and petty, and weddings seem to bring that out in some people.  Hopefully you can look back on this one day and laugh, but I know that it must feel awful right now.</div><div>
    </div><div>I once went ot a wedding where the MOH insisted the groom choose a new BM because she refused to walk with someone shorter than her.  The crazy thing is, the couple accommodated her request and "demoted" the BM to a regular GM.  Some people are just ridiculous.</div>
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    edited February 2013
    Mlg and Libby that was it in a nutshell, thanks for explaining that to allychase for me. I thought my post made sense, but I guess not.

    They ripped the lace train of my dress almost clean off, I haven't spoken to them since. I am pretty sure I am going to ask them to pay for the cost to have it repaired (if it even can be). I don't care that I won't ever need to wear it again or what the etiquette is on that, I want them to pay.
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    Are you all 12? I can't fathom being friends with people who would do this.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-you-ignore-the-etiquette-board-a-cautionary-tale?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dc6e4e7-0808-47b7-b4f3-7c71bdedab6fPost:196853ed-da36-428c-a13d-226a36f96045">Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale : Please don't, you're just being petty.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

    <div>I already said I'm going to. Really? They ripped my dress while rolling around on the floor trying to kill each other, and I'M being petty? Whatever.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-you-ignore-the-etiquette-board-a-cautionary-tale?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dc6e4e7-0808-47b7-b4f3-7c71bdedab6fPost:217aa92e-9738-4d3a-9914-1565121cf801">Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale : I already said I'm going to. Really? They ripped my dress while rolling around on the floor trying to kill each other, and I'M being petty? Whatever.
    Posted by MerceMe223[/QUOTE]




    I'm on your team....what if you wanted to save the dress for your sister, or daughter? Even.if you don't....you bought it when it was in tact,.they ruined it. They SHOULD pay. If they broke a vase in your home, the right thing to do would be to replace it
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-you-ignore-the-etiquette-board-a-cautionary-tale?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dc6e4e7-0808-47b7-b4f3-7c71bdedab6fPost:217aa92e-9738-4d3a-9914-1565121cf801">Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale : I already said I'm going to. Really? They ripped my dress while rolling around on the floor trying to kill each other, and I'M being petty? Whatever.
    Posted by MerceMe223[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Remember what happened the last time you didn't listen to advice from the E board?</div><div>
    </div><div>Just sayin'.

    </div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-you-ignore-the-etiquette-board-a-cautionary-tale?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dc6e4e7-0808-47b7-b4f3-7c71bdedab6fPost:001ffdf2-7a7c-4206-892d-bcaaa04b0642">Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale : Remember what happened the last time you didn't listen to advice from the E board? Just sayin'.
    Posted by kristbot[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah, but the difference this time is I have no plan of continuing a friendship with these two girls now. Why would I? We're 30 and in a wedding, and they decided to fight like trashy drunk teenagers at a house party. I may not be "up" on etiquette, but I have enough sense to know that when the trash is full, you take it out. </div><div>
    </div><div>I am the third generation in my family to wear this dress, with very slight modifications. The plan WAS to pass it down. </div>
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    I'm with Lia. Cut them out of your life and be done with it.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-you-ignore-the-etiquette-board-a-cautionary-tale?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dc6e4e7-0808-47b7-b4f3-7c71bdedab6fPost:09fd9e4a-d3c0-4b5d-bd8a-0adc483b1477">Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale :  I am the third generation in my family to wear this dress, with very slight modifications. The plan WAS to pass it down. 
    Posted by MerceMe223[/QUOTE]

    And I think that makes a HUGE difference. I would have them pay for repairs because of it being an important dress, but you didn't mention that in your original post about the dress.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-you-ignore-the-etiquette-board-a-cautionary-tale?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dc6e4e7-0808-47b7-b4f3-7c71bdedab6fPost:09fd9e4a-d3c0-4b5d-bd8a-0adc483b1477">Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale : Yeah, but the difference this time is I have no plan of continuing a friendship with these two girls now. Why would I? We're 30 and in a wedding, and they decided to fight like trashy drunk teenagers at a house party. I may not be "up" on etiquette, but I have enough sense to know that when the trash is full, you take it out.  <strong>I am the third generation in my family to wear this dress, with very slight modifications. The plan WAS to pass it down.</strong> 
    Posted by MerceMe223[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>You never mentioned this until right now. Obviously it makes a difference and you would have gotten very different responses if you had told us. If you don't give all the information upfront then you're not going to get the best possible advice.

    </div>
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    Now since she's come back with such a perfect answer for why the dress needs to be fixed, I'm thinking MIUD.
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    MUD

    but if it isnt, how on earth would you actually make them pay?  that would be the most comical small claims suit ever.  it would probably cost you more to file in small claims than the repair would actually cost.
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    If it is indeed a dress to be passed down, you can ask them to pay for the damage, but I doubt they actually will. Anybody with any class 1. would never have done that to begin with, and 2. would already have offered to pay for your dress.  I think you are better off just cutting them out of your life and moving forward. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    I'm amazed that no one else sees the giant neon FAKE sign hovering over this post. Weird.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-you-ignore-the-etiquette-board-a-cautionary-tale?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dc6e4e7-0808-47b7-b4f3-7c71bdedab6fPost:806df08a-a617-4153-bc9b-824bb48e3bd3">Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale</a>:
    [QUOTE]MUD but if it isnt, how on earth would you actually make them pay?  that would be the most comical small claims suit ever.  it would probably cost you more to file in small claims than the repair would actually cost.
    Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

    <div>When you're done high-fiving yourself, maybe go back and try to find where I said I'm going to make them pay. You will find that I said I am going to ASK. There is a difference.</div><div>
    </div><div>One had offered in a voicemail to pay for all or part, the other did not. I am going to ASK if the first is serious, then ASK the second if she is willing to contribute. </div><div>
    </div><div>Assume. Break it down.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-you-ignore-the-etiquette-board-a-cautionary-tale?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dc6e4e7-0808-47b7-b4f3-7c71bdedab6fPost:5650714d-ca42-4baa-ad06-28bc344284d6">Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale : When you're done high-fiving yourself, maybe go back and try to find where I said I'm going to make them pay. You will find that I said I am going to ASK. There is a difference. One had offered in a voicemail to pay for all or part, the other did not. I am going to ASK if the first is serious, then ASK the second if she is willing to contribute.  Assume. Break it down.
    Posted by MerceMe223[/QUOTE]

    nothing wrong with asking them to pay. I dont think you are holding out for them to pay, but i see no harm in ASKING for them to pay. I wouldnt go to court over it (which it doesnt sound like you want to do anyway). Regardless is the dress is new or passed down, they SHOULD offer to fix it. like someone else said, if they had any class (which the obviously dont) they would have already offered. Even if it is new, how does anyone know if you wanted to start your own tradition of passing down your dress? it has to start somewhere.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-you-ignore-the-etiquette-board-a-cautionary-tale?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dc6e4e7-0808-47b7-b4f3-7c71bdedab6fPost:5650714d-ca42-4baa-ad06-28bc344284d6">Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale : When you're done high-fiving yourself, maybe go back and try to find where I said I'm going to make them pay. You will find that I said I am going to ASK. There is a difference. One had offered in a voicemail to pay for all or part, the other did not. I am going to ASK if the first is serious, then ASK the second if she is willing to contribute. <strong> Assume. Break it down.</strong>
    Posted by MerceMe223[/QUOTE]

    Slow your roll dude, we can ONLY assume and speculate. When you leave details out, we have to take your post at face value.

    Ditto PP's regarding not getting your hopes up over this.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-you-ignore-the-etiquette-board-a-cautionary-tale?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dc6e4e7-0808-47b7-b4f3-7c71bdedab6fPost:5650714d-ca42-4baa-ad06-28bc344284d6">Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale : When you're done high-fiving yourself, maybe go back and try to find where I said I'm going to make them pay. You will find that I said I am going to ASK. There is a difference. One had offered in a voicemail to pay for all or part, the other did not. I am going to ASK if the first is serious, then ASK the second if she is willing to contribute.  Assume. Break it down.
    Posted by MerceMe223[/QUOTE]

    No reason to get snarky. You left out key details so technically you made an @$$ out of the PPs by making them assume.

     

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    Ok, so thank you for coming back and sharing your story with us.  I'm very sorry you had that happen to you on your wedding day (I would have had a stroke).

    Here's the reality of the situation.  Do you honestly think that two girls who are so base, shameless, classess, and lacking in basic humanity as to ruin someone's wedding dress on their wedding day will do anything to make up for it?

    Look in your heart.  Do you honestly and truely think they would?  Especially after neither of them have already offered?

    So, if you've arrived at the same conclusion that I and a couple other ladies have here, then leave it be.  The only thing you'll gain by asking these two animals is more heartache, high blood pressure, and deep anger.

    Don't let those two do more damage to you than they've already done.  Now is the time for damage control.  Cut them off, cut them out, ignore the fact you've ever talked to them, or knew they existed.  Move forward, rise above, and enjoy your new and freer life without them.

    Is the situation fair to you?  No.  But unfortunately, the phrase 'Life is not fair" is completely true.  Sometimes all you can do in an unfair situation is protect yourself and do the healthiest thing for yourself.
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    I bet Judge Joe Brown would scoop the story up if they didn't want to pay and you felt like suing.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-you-ignore-the-etiquette-board-a-cautionary-tale?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dc6e4e7-0808-47b7-b4f3-7c71bdedab6fPost:4353b1d9-c388-4e37-92d5-1a08bb1738f7">Re: When You Ignore the Etiquette Board: A Cautionary Tale</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, so thank you for coming back and sharing your story with us.  I'm very sorry you had that happen to you on your wedding day (I would have had a stroke). Here's the reality of the situation.  Do you honestly think that two girls who are so base, shameless, classess, and lacking in basic humanity as to ruin someone's wedding dress on their wedding day will do anything to make up for it? Look in your heart.  Do you honestly and truely think they would?  Especially after neither of them have already offered? So, if you've arrived at the same conclusion that I and a couple other ladies have here, then leave it be.  The only thing you'll gain by asking these two animals is more heartache, high blood pressure, and deep anger. Don't let those two do more damage to you than they've already done.  Now is the time for damage control.  Cut them off, cut them out, ignore the fact you've ever talked to them, or knew they existed.  Move forward, rise above, and enjoy your new and freer life without them. Is the situation fair to you?  No.  But unfortunately, the phrase 'Life is not fair" is completely true.  Sometimes all you can do in an unfair situation is protect yourself and do the healthiest thing for yourself.
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This is fair and reasonable advice. I really appreciate the fact that you are able to disagree with my plan without making assumptions or insulting me. </div><div>
    </div><div>It will drive me crazy if I don't at least ask, but it's with the expectation that they will pay little to nothing. If this had happened in some other circumstance where no one was acting crazy, like the dress just got stepped on or something and ripped, I would be sad, but I wouldn't put it on them. It would have been an accident, and we were friends. But the fact is, they were being destructive, and they are no longer my friends. They should pay.

    </div>
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    Do you know what asking them to both pay to fix your dress will turn into? More drama. A whole lot of finger pointing--'SHE is the one who started it, I didn't mess up your dress. SHE should have to pay'. I agree that the hooligans should have to pony up the cash to get your dress fixed, but I would venture to guess that neither of these 'ladies' are willing/able to suck it up and be responsible for their actions.

    About 6 years back, I lived with two 'friends'. I was moving out of town, and they found another place together. Once I got the utility bills from the final month (after I had already moved 2 states away), I contacted each of them to send me a check for their portion of the bills which were in my name. I got nothing. The next time I visited, I tried getting in touch with them and they gave me the run around. I decided to just buck up and take care of the bills on my own since they had proven that they would not come through and pay their share.

    I recommend saving a whole lot of sanity and frustration, and just get it fixed on your own and be done with them. I just don't have faith in people to do the right thing when they've shown their true colors proving that they choose to NOT do the right thing.
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    If your life is full of drama, the mirror is always a good place to look for the source
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