bridal shower for a no guest wedding?

MalloryMaddox

My fiance' and I are having a destination wedding without ANY friends or family. We also have decided to not have a reception for when we come back.  My friends still want to throw me a bridal shower, but is that in bad taste?  If not, how could we word the invitation so that it's clear that it will be just the two of us?  I don't want people to think I'm inviting them to a shower and not the wedding or reception.

cengle

Nope, sorry. Everyone invited to any pre-wedding parties need to be invited to the actual wedding. No guests = no shower.

courtney1188

It is in bad taste. Like 'hey, we're not inviting you to the wedding, but we still want presents.'  Even if that's not how you mean it, people will take it that way.

aragx6

Your friends are sweet, but their actions are misguided. Politely tell them that asking people to shower you with gifts is inappropriate unless there's a wedding and thank-you celebration (i.e. reception) to follow.

[Deleted User]

Ditto the others.

Why don't they throw you a party to celebrate your new marriage instead?

MatthewN713

Agreed, definitely in poor taste, although well-intended.

RoMy215

I'm going to disagree a little with the others, but only slightly. 
I think if your friends want to throw you a party, they can throw you a party. So it would be them figuring out the wording on the invitation--not you. BUT you could certainly suggest (or request) that they say no gifts on the invite, or that they not call it a shower in the first place. They could make it a "charity fundraiser" in your honor instead (you pick your favorite charity and instead of gifts, people make donations in your honor).
Maybe like MissySue suggested, they can do it after the fact so that you could share some of your pictures.
Many years ago I had a co-worker who had a destination wedding of sorts. She and then fi had been together for about 10 years. They did not register and did not want a shower; but another co-worker really wanted to throw a shower. We were all clear that this was a destination wedding and that we were not going. But we all ended up having a really nice time at the party. Since many of us worked together it was a nice chance to really chat and catch up outside of the workplace. 

MyNameIsNot

The cardinal rule of pre-wedding parties is that everyone invited must be invited to the wedding.  If you choose not to have guests at your wedding, that means no shower.  Sure, you could do it anyway, or do a charity fundraiser instead, but it would still be incredibly rude.

This is just part of what comes with opting to elope.  

redheadfsu

I'm having a DW with just the two of us too and I agree with the others. Decline the shower. By choosing to elope you choose to give up all the traditional things like showers.

em01092

Yes, politely decline. If your friends still want to give you a gift, cool, but don't have a shower. This will come off as rude. 

When you get back from your DW, maybe your friends could throw you a welcome home party? Or have a housewarming party at your place to get people together and congratulate you, but no matter what, don't expect gifts. like redheadfsu said, this is something you need to live without when you elope. 

thesequel

Thank your friends for their good intentions, but no guests = no shower.  Like PPs said, it looks gift-grabby.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-shower-guest-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2220889e-32d5-41f6-84b3-86caa3b3d14bPost:c03e85d0-52ce-4f1f-b867-539dc468fd35">Re: bridal shower for a no guest wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to disagree a little with the others, but only slightly.  I think if your friends want to throw you a party, they can throw you a party. So it would be them figuring out the wording on the invitation--not you. <strong>BUT you could certainly suggest (or request) that they say no gifts on the invite, or that they not call it a shower in the first place. They could make it a "charity fundraiser" in your honor instead (you pick your favorite charity and instead of gifts, people make donations in your honor).</strong> Maybe like MissySue suggested, they can do it after the fact so that you could share some of your pictures. Many years ago I had a co-worker who had a destination wedding of sorts. She and then fi had been together for about 10 years. They did not register and did not want a shower; but another co-worker really wanted to throw a shower. We were all clear that this was a destination wedding and that we were not going. But we all ended up having a really nice time at the party. Since many of us worked together it was a nice chance to really chat and catch up outside of the workplace. 
Posted by RoMy215[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but what? None of what you wrote is appropriate from an etiquette standpoint. Please don't give advice on the E board unless it's the actual etiquette involved.

1). You never put any mention of gifts on any invite.
2). I don't see how a charity fundraiser makes any sense in this situation.

Friends always have good intentions, but OP is eloping. You have to make those hard decisions when you decide toget married just FI and you.

SparrowSong

I agree that you should just say you're keeping things low key and not doing showers. It's just not appropriate.

mandi921vh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-shower-guest-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2220889e-32d5-41f6-84b3-86caa3b3d14bPost:c7fc6e82-5453-4ccb-8f24-88fdd2626b1d">Re: bridal shower for a no guest wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm having a DW with just the two of us too and I agree with the others. Decline the shower. <strong>By choosing to elope you choose to give up all the traditional things like showers.</strong>
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly right. </div>

ally_jade

That is difficult. I think if your friends want to get together and celebrate the fact that you are getting married, they should be able to.

I don't think that they should be going around sending invites to other family and aquaintences. Only the core group that thought of it and want it. I say this because my co-workers are having a "bridal shower" brunch for me and another lady I work with as we are both getting married over spring break (destination), They are friends, planned it without my knowledge, and are perfectly aware that I was not looking for gifts or wanting a shower! Some were invited and unable to attend but still wanted to do something sweet.

There is a fine line though...so I would let your friends know that you are having a very intimate ceremony and you don't want people to feel like they should give you gifts. If they still choose to plan a small gathering, can a bride really stop them?

trawas01

I don't think this idea is quite as bad as the previous posters. I have a close friend who works as a teacher and they often throw a bridal shower for a coworker who is getting married even though they aren't invited to the big event. So, personally I think the idea of those not being invited to the wedding can't be involved in other parts of celebrating is a little old fashioned, but thats just me.

If your friends want to throw a shower I'd say let them. Maybe they can turn into more of a "send-off" then a traditional shower. This way it fits more with your elopement.The invites could be along the lines of "X and Y are eloping but we'd love to send them off with love". I wouldn't be offended to be invited to such a event, it gives people an opportunity to celebrate with you and wish you luck. I think its OK, especially because you aren't picking and choosing guests for your wedding, it really is just the two of you thus all your family/friends are in the same boat.

MarcyLT

I like the ideas the others are giving about a post-wedding "shower" or party. Could you friends wait until you get back and throw a "celebrate X and Y's marriage" party?

kgettingmarried

Absolutely not!  Why would someone give you a gift for something they are not allowed to attend?

I had a friend once who got engaged, and then would call me or come over to my house and talk to me incessantly about her wedding.  Naturally, I thought I would be invited to the wedding, since it's rude to talk to someone about wedding plans if they aren't invited.

I then didn't speak to her for a couple of months since she was busy wedding planning, and out of town to visit her FI, and then I found out later that they had actually gotten married and I had no idea it even happened.

So, to this day I think that is the rudest thing someone has ever done regarding a wedding.  I still think she is an idiot, since she doesn't even know it was rude.  I bet she doesn't even remember.  But I do, and they didn't and won't be seeing any type of card or gift from me ever.

kgettingmarried

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-shower-guest-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2220889e-32d5-41f6-84b3-86caa3b3d14bPost:e1f4e39f-03b8-471e-92ff-d86a9e17c564">bridal shower for a no guest wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance' and I are having a destination wedding without ANY friends or family. We also have decided to not have a reception for when we come back.  My friends still want to throw me a bridal shower, but is that in bad taste?  If not, how could we word the invitation so that it's clear that it will be just the two of us?  I don't want people to think I'm inviting them to a shower and not the wedding or reception.
Posted by MalloryMaddox[/QUOTE]

If you are having a destination wedding, WITHOUT any guests, then YES you ARE inviting people to a SHOWER ONLY.

Unless there is some mysterious reception to which everyone is invited that you didn't mention.

AbbeyS2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-shower-guest-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2220889e-32d5-41f6-84b3-86caa3b3d14bPost:6e2d55c4-6223-46cd-b2cd-a940e7c7f801">Re: bridal shower for a no guest wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Absolutely not!  Why would someone give you a gift for something they are not allowed to attend? </strong>I had a friend once who got engaged, and then would call me or come over to my house and talk to me incessantly about her wedding.  Naturally, I thought I would be invited to the wedding, since it's rude to talk to someone about wedding plans if they aren't invited. I then didn't speak to her for a couple of months since she was busy wedding planning, and out of town to visit her FI, and then I found out later that they had actually gotten married and I had no idea it even happened. So, to this day I think that is the rudest thing someone has ever done regarding a wedding.  I still think she is an idiot, since she doesn't even know it was rude.  I bet she doesn't even remember.  But I do, and they didn't and won't be seeing any type of card or gift from me ever.
Posted by kgettingmarried[/QUOTE]

It is not that they are not ALLOWED to attend, the OP is eloping - big difference.  They are <strong>choosing</strong> not to invite anyone, not excluding certain people/friends/family members.    What your friend/former friend  did was extremely rude and inexcusable. 

I say if your friends want to throw you a party, then graciously accept.  I hope they all understand that you are in fact eloping, so there are no hurt feelings. 

One of the ladies on the second weddings board had a private ceremony with her DH - that is how they wanted it, and they could not be happier. 

wyney

Decline the shower. 

In all likelihood, some of your friends will be getting you gifts anyway....I don't think a small registry would be inappropriate, but I wouldn't do anything to advertise it.  I give wedding and housewarming and graduation gifts to my friends whether or not I witnessed it; for me, they are celebratory, not congratulatory gifts.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-shower-guest-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2220889e-32d5-41f6-84b3-86caa3b3d14bPost:6f30f4f0-ba01-4c48-a7ec-d32c86d9647a">Re: bridal shower for a no guest wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: bridal shower for a no guest wedding? : It is not that they are not ALLOWED to attend, the OP is eloping - big difference.  <strong>They are choosing not to invite anyone, not excluding certain people/friends/family members. </strong>   What your friend/former friend  did was extremely rude and inexcusable.  I say if your friends want to throw you a party, then graciously accept.  I hope they all understand that you are in fact eloping, so there are no hurt feelings.  One of the ladies on the second weddings board had a private ceremony with her DH - that is how they wanted it, and they could not be happier. 
Posted by AbbeyS2011[/QUOTE]

That's the definition of an elopement. When someone CHOOSES to not involve their family and friends, then they CHOOSE to give up the pre-wedding parties. OP is no exception to the rules.

And those of you talking about coworker showers, those are generally considered the exception to the rule.

OP I would still decline any talk of a shower.

RoMy215

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-shower-guest-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2220889e-32d5-41f6-84b3-86caa3b3d14bPost:6b3162fd-fc9c-4d82-ba46-cf2a6c32a78f">Re: bridal shower for a no guest wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: bridal shower for a no guest wedding? : I'm sorry, but what? None of what you wrote is appropriate from an etiquette standpoint. Please don't give advice on the E board unless it's the actual etiquette involved. 1). You never put any mention of gifts on any invite. 2). I don't see how a charity fundraiser makes any sense in this situation. Friends always have good intentions, but OP is eloping. You have to make those hard decisions when you decide toget married just FI and you.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

1) I sincerely apologize as I was not aware that I was supposed to have read the (etiquette) rule book prior to providing my two cents. Now I know.
2) I do feel like I want to clarify- I was not suggesting a fundraiser. If the op's friends want to have a party, while it may not be appropriate to have a "shower", they CAN have a party if they wish. Since it would be appropriate for the hostess of a traditional shower to note where the bride is registered, they may also note "no gifts". I was merely suggesting that as an alternative to "no gifts", they could put "in lieu of gifts b&g wish you donate to...".