My boyfriend won't allow my only sibling to be part of our wedding party

brookelynpaisley

You could have you brother on your side, but I see a bigger problem here. I believe weddings are a marriage of not just two people, but two families. I would be very upset if I had a brother and my husband refused to have him on his side. My sister has asked her FSIL to be on her side, and if DH had a sister, I would have asked her. I think there's more to it than just putting your brother on your side.

FWIW, I'm not much of a fan of mixed gender "sides" for wedding parties for myself. I also don't feel it should always be the go-to solution.

Pirata13

I think his stance is over the top and like the others said, maybe a red flag, but to be honest, I wouldn't force FI to have my brother in the wedding since they had never really met at the time we chose our BP or they had a couple times. (My bro lives in another state.) We wanted a small wedding party, and even though I easily could have chosen another girlfriend if he'd wanted to ask my brother, he never brought it up and neither did I. And asking him to stand up on my side, not my style. So he and a male cousin I am close to are being ushers at the church. My SIL and one of his SILs are doing readings.  I think it's a little extreme that he would say he'd rather not get married than be uncomfortable and feel forced, but at the same time, would you be happy if you felt forced to do something for your wedding? I know you say you'd include his sisters or whatnot if he wanted, but if you're not really close to them, then why? PPs are right, it should be the people close to each person standing up for them. 

Honestly, I'd be upset if FI insisted that his SILs be in the wedding just because his brothers are or whatever. You should definitely talk about this with a counselor before you get engaged--you clearly have two different opinions on this. But FI might be questioning why you'd do it just because he said so.  Just playing devil's advocate here. And FWIW, FI & I picked our BP without consulting each other or asking if it was "ok".  What we decided together was how many would be in the party, which was 3 each. He picked his, I picked mine, and we decided on all the others (readers, etc) together.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I asked my brother to be a bridesman.

However, my FI was willing to have my brother stand on his side, even though they aren't close, just because I wanted my brother in the wedding party.

kirstenr

I already commented, but I had another thought and I'll just post a new response.

I think the whole "you get to pick your own side" thing is pretty antiquated.  It's technically true, but if you're entering into a marriage, you're hopefully trying to blend your lives into one cohesive unit, therefore the people important to you should be important to him, and vice versa. Of course you each have your choices, and those should be honored.  Unless one member of the couple has a HUGE problem with one of the attendants, they really shouldn't be able to veto the idea.  I think that's crap.

I asked my FI what his feelings were on having his two sisters stand up in the wedding, since he's already including his two brothers.  He said he'd love to, but didn't want to pressure me.  And I told him that all I need to know is that it's important to the person I love that these girls stand up for us on our day-- they're going to be in the wedding, and they'll be on my side because I tend to like girls with girls, guys with guys.  

So, I guess that's all now.  I was thinking of this after I signed off and wanted to come back.

Kristin789

Joy replied and said this:  "You boyfriend is correct in that he should get to pick his nearest and dearest for his side.  You can do the same.  And, one of them is allowed to be male."

That's right.

Your boyfriend gets to choose who will serve as the grooms' attendants, and he should pick his closest friends who have been with him through thick and thin.  Your brother is NOT one of his closest friends, so he's not eligible to stand up for the groom.

YOU get to choose who will serve as the bride's attendants, and you should pick your closest friends.  If your brother has been a close friend to you, then he should stand up for you ON YOUR SIDE.

melliott09

I don't have any brothers, but I know if they weren't going to be GM, they would most likely feel strange standing my my BM. Not having one, I can't say for sure and PP's are suggesting him stand on your side. You have to make the decision as to whether he would feel out of place or not.

On the other hand, if your BF is this adamant about NOT having someone involved in the wedding that you care so much about, this may be a sign that in the future, he will not meet you half way on situations which would need compromise. This may be a sign that you guys need to work on your relationship prior to getting married. I hope your not thinking he will "change his ways" once you are married. That doesn't happen.

KVS620

I have to dissagree with most of the people here. I think you're being a bit bratty here. They are his groomsmen. Not yours. And do you really think it's right that he may have to choose your brother over some of his closest friends. And do you think your brother is going to be hurt because he's not a groomsmen? It's not as if he can't be a groomsmen he can't come to the wedding. When people say he needs to pick his battles, well so do you. Grow up a little here. This isn't a red flag. It's one of the few things that a groom gets to choose....let him choose and find another thing you can include your brother in.

janedoe1113a

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_boyfriend-wont-allow-only-sibling-part-of-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:23cf960a-7baf-4e3d-bb8b-762b39c69719Post:63fc1df9-ef6c-47b4-8a40-7e585d7d2ad9">Re: My boyfriend won't allow my only sibling to be part of our wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]I have to dissagree with most of the people here. I think you're being a bit bratty here. They are his groomsmen. Not yours. And do you really think it's right that he may have to choose your brother over some of his closest friends. And do you think your brother is going to be hurt because he's not a groomsmen? It's not as if he can't be a groomsmen he can't come to the wedding. When people say he needs to pick his battles, well so do you. Grow up a little here. This isn't a red flag. It's one of the few things that a groom gets to choose....let him choose and find another thing you can include your brother in.
Posted by KVS620[/QUOTE]

Most people are saying the red flag is that he said he would rather not getting married than have her brother as a GM.  That's a little extreme. 

She's also not asking him to pick her bro over some of his friends.  She just wanted to add him to his friends.

I'm all for pick your own sides, but I think when it comes to family, there needs to be some compromise.

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My boyfriend won't allow my only sibling to be part of our wedding party : <strong>Most people are saying the red flag is that he said he would rather not getting married than have her brother as a GM.</strong>  That's a little extreme.  She's also not asking him to pick her bro over some of his friends.  She just wanted to add him to his friends. I'm all for pick your own sides, but I think when it comes to family, there needs to be some compromise.
Posted by navybaby1113[/QUOTE]

Yes, that's exactly the problem.

EiffelAnne04

FI and I are looking to the BP as a whole collective group of people that "we" are close to.  We haven't asked anyone yet because it's far too soon in the planning process, but we sat down and decided together who was going to stand up next to us on our wedding day.  The only people that we picked separately were the Maid of Honor and Best Man.  Everyone else was a team decision.

JessicaRichardson85

HUGE BIG FAT WARNING SIGNS ... get out while you still can, in my experience men like that just get worse the longer you are with them -.-

My FI and I both have each other's siblings in our parties because we both agree on the importance of family in our lives. Sure, you don't get to chose his men but his reaction and lack of concern for what is important to you would make me walk away.

Relationships are all about compromise

JanoBean75

I hope he meant he'd rather not have a big wedding at all than have your brother on his side...but that's still a very immature way to react.

Still, I'm having my brother on my side and FI is having his sister on his side. Sure we could switch them, but FI and my brother aren't close and while I'm friends with his sister (that's how we met), we're not as close as they are.

It's okay to have mix gender BPs.