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Wedding Etiquette Forum
elle621
member
How do I address my in-laws??
Hi ladies!
I'm sure this has been asked before and a lot of you have probably dealt with it, so I'd love to hear your thoughts. Sorry, it's a bit long....
I have no idea how to address my future in-laws. My fiance has a long last name, so I've always called them Mr. and Mrs. "X". When my fiance talks to me about them, he'll call them Mom and Dad, i.e. "Dad finally saw that movie and really liked it." And, I know from talking with my FMIL that she'd want "Mom" and thinks it's weird (and somewhat disrespectful) that her son-in-law doesn't call her that.
Now on to my side of the family. My mom is extremely sensitive about this. My sister is married and calls her MIL Mom. At a family gathering, my sister said something like "Can you hand me that Mom?" My mom responded, and my sister said "No, other Mom". I guarantee she's still upset to this day and talks about how SHE was the one who gave birth and took care of her all her life. My dad passed away a few years ago.
Personally, I don't feel comfortable with it but don't want to be rude. What to do?
I'm sure this has been asked before and a lot of you have probably dealt with it, so I'd love to hear your thoughts. Sorry, it's a bit long....
I have no idea how to address my future in-laws. My fiance has a long last name, so I've always called them Mr. and Mrs. "X". When my fiance talks to me about them, he'll call them Mom and Dad, i.e. "Dad finally saw that movie and really liked it." And, I know from talking with my FMIL that she'd want "Mom" and thinks it's weird (and somewhat disrespectful) that her son-in-law doesn't call her that.
Now on to my side of the family. My mom is extremely sensitive about this. My sister is married and calls her MIL Mom. At a family gathering, my sister said something like "Can you hand me that Mom?" My mom responded, and my sister said "No, other Mom". I guarantee she's still upset to this day and talks about how SHE was the one who gave birth and took care of her all her life. My dad passed away a few years ago.
Personally, I don't feel comfortable with it but don't want to be rude. What to do?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How do I address my in-laws??
*Ignore me, I missed the part where you said your FMIL wanted mom, reading comprehension fail*
I refer to my MIL when speaking with her or about her to other people by her first name. When I am talking to my H I call her "Ma"...as in "Ma called" or just say "Your mom called"
My H usually calls my parents Mr. and Mrs. X occassionally he might use their first name, but it makes my H uncomfortable calling them by their first name
FWIW, I call my ILs by their first names, because that's how I've always done it. My H calls my parents by their first names as well.
I personally wouldn't call my ILs mom and dad and would find it weird if H did that with mine. Of course your H refers to his parents as mom and dad when talking about them. That doesn't mean you have to call them that.
ETA: And when I'm talking to H about his family I say "how's AUNTNAME"? Not "how's mom?"
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I now call them by their first names. My FILs would be appalled if I referred to them as Mr. and Mrs. as it's so formal. I don't think I can call them "mom" or "dad", even though I know both of my parents call their respective ILs "mom" and "dad". I just think it would be awkward. Once we have kids, I'll probably call them Nana and Pop, just like my kids will...
It's funny because I always thought that was completely normal...just what you did.
FI, however, is uncomfortable with that and isn't sure of what he'll call my parents. For my Dad, he's pretty sure he'll always call him Mr. ___ because I'm not that close with my Dad, and my FI is definitely not close to him. He lives across the country.
For my Mom, who we're both close to, and will even be living with us for a while after we get married, he might call her Mom, but might just keep calling her Ms. ___.
He wouldn't use first names with either. And neither would I. My mom doesn't want my FI using her first name, so he doesn't have that option. And I would just feel weird calling my Future in laws by their first names. Just a personal thing I guess.
It's really just up to you. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer, as long as it's something you're comfortable with, and something that doesn't make the in-law uncomfortable (for example, maybe they don't want you calling them by their first names).
I do, however, think it's silly for your parents (or anyone's parents) to be upset by you calling your in-laws "Mom" or "Dad". Yes, they are our biological parents and will always be the ones that raised us, but calling our in-laws "Mom" and "Dad" just signifies how we feel like we're part of the same family now.
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We both call our in-laws by their first name. I could never call MIL and FIL "mom and dad." So weird to me. When we first started dating I called them Mr. and Mrs. but over time, I transitioned to first names. They always signed cards to me with their first names and referred to each other to me by their first names.
I think a lot of this is on family tradition and what you're comfortable with. Nicknames can also be helpful.
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[QUOTE] I do, however, think it's silly for your parents (or anyone's parents) to be upset by you calling your in-laws "Mom" or "Dad". Yes, they are our biological parents and will always be the ones that raised us, but calling our in-laws "Mom" and "Dad" just signifies how we feel like we're part of the same family now.
Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]
I would never call anyone Mom and Dad other than my own Mom and Dad. Ever. My husband's parents are his parents, not mine. I'm not sure I will ever think of them as my parents.
Everyone has different comfort levels with this.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I address my in-laws?? : I would never call anyone Mom and Dad other than my own Mom and Dad. Ever. My husband's parents are his parents, not mine. I'm not sure I will ever think of them as my parents. Everyone has different comfort levels with this.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
I'm not saying it's silly <em>not </em>to call them that. It's everyone's personal choice.
I'm just saying that if you wanted to call your in-laws "mom and dad", your parents shouldn't be upset by it. It doesn't mean your in-laws are competing with your real parents, or replacing them. I want to call them "mom" and "dad" because I feel close to them, like parents. That doesn't mean that I love them more than my own parents, you know?
But by no means am I saying that people <em>should</em> call their in-laws that. It's whatever you're comfortable with.
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If you have a strong dislike to calling them mom and dad, begin the conversation with TACTFULLY mentioning this, then ask what their preferences are.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I address my in-laws?? : I'm not saying it's silly not to call them that. It's everyone's personal choice. I'm just saying that if you wanted to call your in-laws "mom and dad", your parents shouldn't be upset by it. It doesn't mean your in-laws are competing with your real parents, or replacing them. I want to call them "mom" and "dad" because I feel close to them, like parents. That doesn't mean that I love them more than my own parents, you know? But by no means am I saying that people should call their in-laws that. It's whatever you're comfortable with.
Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]
Hmmm... I see what you're saying, but I still think it's okay for Mom or Dad to feel a little slighted. If the children think it might be a bad idea then why isn't it okay for the parents to feel that way?
I think the comfort levels are on all sides of the equation.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I address my in-laws?? : Hmmm... I see what you're saying, but I still think it's okay for Mom or Dad to feel a little slighted. If the children think it might be a bad idea then why isn't it okay for the parents to feel that way? I think the comfort levels are on all sides of the equation.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
Well, I'm not trying to invalidate people's feelings. You're right, if that's how parents feel, then maybe the person should take that into consideration. But it might be solved with just a simple, "I want to call them this, but you know you'll always be my true mom and dad..." kind of talk.
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[QUOTE]My sister had a funny way of doing this with her in-laws. She didn't want to call them mom and dad so they all came up with something different. She calls them Fil (like Phil) and Mil (MIL). I think this could only work out if you have a very laid-back relationship with your future in-laws. I know that I won't be calling my FMIL Mil.
Posted by amyelise25[/QUOTE]
And do they call her her "Dil" ? (like Dill)
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I address my in-laws?? : Hmmm... I see what you're saying, but I still think it's okay for Mom or Dad to feel a little slighted. If the children think it might be a bad idea then why isn't it okay for the parents to feel that way? I think the comfort levels are on all sides of the equation.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
Never ever ever thought I would get jealous, but I did when my daughter got married! She has a very good relationship with her MIL, whom she calls by her first name. But I have to say I was a bit anxious and worried they might get closer than she and I. Not the case, and not likely to happen, but I can see why a mom might get upset if their kids adress in-laws as mom and dad.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I address my in-laws?? : Well, I'm not trying to invalidate people's feelings. You're right, if that's how parents feel, then maybe the person should take that into consideration. But it might be solved with just a simple, "I want to call them this, but you know you'll always be my true mom and dad..." kind of talk.
Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]
That's fair!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I address my in-laws?? : And do they call her her "Dil" ? (like Dill)
Posted by IamTheMommaOfTheBride[/QUOTE]
They should!!! But I don't think they do.
I always called her Mrs. Lastname until we got engaged, but then it felt weird to use that since it would soon be my name too and I didn't want to automatically think of MIL when I heard the name anymore.
We've sort of fallen into a weird limbo of changing the name up frequently. Usually I address her as "mother in law" and she calls me "daughter in law". It kind of has a sarcasticly formal feel to it and is just a running thing we started right after the wedding. Sometimes I'll shorten it to "Mother" - I'm not comfortable calling her mom, but in my head I'm still saying the "in-law", so it works. Other times she'll sign emails/cards "mama first name" since some of H's college buddies jokingly called her that. I'm honestly just waiting til we have kids and so I can comfortably call her grandma/granny/nana first name whatever she chooses.
they were mr. and mrs. x well into our engagement then finally relented to first names, but that took my H basically saying to them, can Calypso call you jane and john?
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I address my in-laws?? : I would never call anyone Mom and Dad other than my own Mom and Dad. Ever. My husband's parents are his parents, not mine. I'm not sure I will ever think of them as my parents. Everyone has different comfort levels with this.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
This. We call each other's parents by their first names.
When we get married, I will ask them what they would like to be called. I have no problem with calling them Mom and Dad or by their first names.
My Ex-BIL never called my parents by any name that I know of except Lisa's parents. My current BIL calls them Mom and Pa (I think he go the "Pa" bit from my niece and nephew, who call him that.)
My brother was upset at first when BIL called our mom "Mom"....
Now I sometimes call MIL "Mama Firstname" and I usually call SMIL "Mrs. Lastname" -- but that's because we're both "Mrs. Lastname" and we get a kick out of it.
WIth Christmas gifts, we usually write, say, "Mom or Dad Lastname" because my mom and SMIL have the same first name, and gifts usually end up sitting under the tree for awhile before we give them, so we lose track of what's what.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I address my in-laws?? : I would never call anyone Mom and Dad other than my own Mom and Dad. Ever. <strong>My husband's parents are his parents, not mine</strong>. I'm not sure I will ever think of them as my parents. Everyone has different comfort levels with this.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
THIS! No one else will ever be mom and dad for me so I'm still trying to figure out what to call FI's parents. His mom will send me cards and emails with all conflicting messages..mom, virginia, mrs. xx. I'm so confused, I just stick with Mrs. xx. She once wrote me an email and said "I guess you can call me Mom now!" and I was so put off by it I actually stopped calling her anything in the emails...HAHA. Guess we'll just see how it goes!
Only my dad was living when we married but he told my exH to call him Bob.
I can't imagine calling another woman Mom. I had a Mom but she's dead and no one ever will get that title
I call FI's parents by their first name and will always. His mom asked to be "mom" and his grandparents asked to be called grandmas. I told them kindly but seriously that I was uncomfortable with that. They seemed to respect that. I'm with some PPs about just waiting it out until the ILs become Grandma and Grandpa LASTNAME.