Groom's parents--open bar?

Hope61

So, I've read online that one of the things the groom's parents pay for is the bar. And I've read online that the bride's parents pay for the bar. So which is it???  FI's parents have not offered, so I guess I assume my parents will be covering it. But today I was talking with FBIL and he was like "well the groom's parents pay for that, right?" and I was like "welll...maybe, but your parents haven't offered." And I know that that custom was mentioned in the presence of FMIL before we were engaged too... so do I hope they might offer at some point? Or should I have FI ask if they were planning to? We are probably going to go with just a wine/beer bar for about $9/person, as opposed to full bar for $11-15/person.

As an additional point, relevant or not... We're on a limited budget, and my parents' guest list is 48. FIs family is huge and while they are expecting only maybe 70 to come, their list is 138-- which includes old family friends and neighbors and FI's grandma's neighbors too (I'm not kidding here). FI says if more than 70 end up coming he'll ask them to cover the cost of the extra guests.

sister2groom

I think discussing what his parents will or will not pay for with your BIL is pretty rude.

Hope61

Thanks everyone. I guess I should have been more clear on one point--my parents are paying for the wedding themselves, and won't hear of me offering to help, at least not with the big stuff--they say we should save our money for starting off as a newfamily. Also, both our families are very traditional.

[QUOTE]I think discussing what his parents will or will not pay for with your BIL is pretty rude.
Posted by sister2groom[/QUOTE]
Thanks for your input. Fortunately, you do not know the situation and so you wouldn't know how this came up, who started the conversation, how much time (none at all besides what I quoted) was spent discussing this. No wonder people on here are scared of the etiquette board. Sheesh.

futurepivko

It depends on what they WANT to pay for. When my sister got married her MIL made the centerpieces, paid for the rehearsal dinner and something else...I forgot...because she didnt want to pay the bar tab. My in-laws dont want to pay for it either. My MIL is sooo picky about the flowers, that my inlaws offered to pay for them, and the rehearsal dinner.

I dont think there is a "right" or "wrong" in what the inlaws should pay. I would definitely plan on paying, but you do also have over 8  months to get this all settled.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-parents-open-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:368c0c69-d2f7-425a-b873-aaaa8a23cf88Post:39c5abad-e9fb-4c2d-bfee-af468409b75b">Groom's parents--open bar?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I've read online that one of the things the groom's parents pay for is the bar. And I've read online that the bride's parents pay for the bar. So which is it???  FI's parents have not offered, so I guess I assume my parents will be covering it. But today I was talking with FBIL and he was like "well the groom's parents pay for that, right?" and I was like "welll...maybe, but your parents haven't offered." And I know that that custom was mentioned in the presence of FMIL before we were engaged too... so do I hope they might offer at some point? Or should I have FI ask if they were planning to? We are probably going to go with just a wine/beer bar for about $9/person, as opposed to full bar for $11-15/person. As an additional point, relevant or not... We're on a limited budget, and my parents' guest list is 48. FIs family is huge and while they are expecting only maybe 70 to come, their list is 138-- which includes old family friends and neighbors and FI's grandma's neighbors too (I'm not kidding here). FI says if more than 70 end up coming he'll ask them to cover the cost of the extra guests.
Posted by KatieAnne18[/QUOTE]

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-parents-open-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:368c0c69-d2f7-425a-b873-aaaa8a23cf88Post:9d4b5be4-44d0-49c8-bc48-5e77affd6ac6">Re: Groom's parents--open bar?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone. I guess I should have been more clear on one point--my parents are paying for the wedding themselves, and won't hear of me offering to help, at least not with the big stuff--they say we should save our money for starting off as a newfamily. Also, both our families are very traditional. Thanks for your input. Fortunately, you do not know the situation and so you wouldn't know how this came up, who started the conversation, how much time (none at all besides what I quoted) was spent discussing this. No wonder people on here are scared of the etiquette board. Sheesh.
Posted by KatieAnne18[/QUOTE]

strlzfan11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-parents-open-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:368c0c69-d2f7-425a-b873-aaaa8a23cf88Post:9d4b5be4-44d0-49c8-bc48-5e77affd6ac6">Re: Groom's parents--open bar?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone. I guess I should have been more clear on one point--my parents are paying for the wedding themselves, and won't hear of me offering to help, at least not with the big stuff--they say we should save our money for starting off as a newfamily. Also, both our families are very traditional. Thanks for your input. Fortunately, you do not know the situation and so you wouldn't know how this came up, who started the conversation, how much time (none at all besides what I quoted) was spent discussing this. No wonder people on here are scared of the etiquette board. Sheesh.
Posted by KatieAnne18[/QUOTE]

I don't think that anyone responded rudely towards you.  You're right in that we don't know how the conversation came about in regards to your FILs contributing towards the wedding.  With that being said, we can only give advice based on what we actually do know, so please don't get offended when someone advises you not to discuss other people's finances (or financial contributions) with a third party (even if it is their own child), which is actually good advice.

Your parents are being very generous in picking up the tab, but the days of the bride's parents pay for x and groom's parents pay for y are long gone, so expecting your FILs to pay for anything is rude IMO.

Wrkn925

Fis parents owe your parents a cow for your hand in marriage., as long as we're going with tradition.

Don't "sheesh" these ladies, they've offered you some very sound advice.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I don't think circumstances change the fact that discussing private financial matters with someone who isn't involved in said finances is rude.

leah2b

I don't think that traditional rules apply that much anymore and that each family can and should pay if they feel like contributing.  Otherwise you are on your own. I would give FI's family a set amount of guests they can invite based on your parents budget.  While it doesn't have to be completely even, it should be fair to your parents, who are so graciously hosting.  That is, unless finances are not a concern for them.

Hope61

I do thank you all for your advice--you have been very helpful! BTW, the "sheesh" was only in reply to Sister2thegroom who said "I think discussing what his parents will or will not pay for with your BIL is pretty rude." and offered absolutely no other input. Maybe I overreacted slightly since I was tired, but this could have been put much more nicely. And its not like I even initiated said conversation with FBIL... Sorry, I'm on a board devoted to proper etiquette innocently asking for advice and someone just writes a post for the sole purpose of telling me I'm rude???

amazonx42

Telling people they are rude...
is not good manners.  Yes - I recognize the irony here.

Simply quote the etiquette instead.  If you want to tell people how to be polite, be polite, and they are more likely to listen.   "Why were you discussing finances with your BIL?" would have been a great way to discuss this situation.