Uninvited!!!

amcmahon4020

Hello Fellow Knotties,

My etiquette dilemma is sort of a childish one, so please forgive me. I recently got engaged and am getting married in October.  A friend of mine also got engaged and is getting married in January. I received an invitation to her wedding about a week ago. At first, I couldn't understand why there was such a long gap between the ceremony and the reception, and then it hit me-she did not invite me to dinner.

While I understand that everyone has a budget, I think this is terribly tacky. I would rather NOT receive an invite at all. Instead, she wants me to show up with gifts, throw me out and expect me to find something to do across town for five hours, and then come back when everyone starts to leave.

I think I am so hurt because when she was pregnant two years ago, I went to great personal expense to throw her a small baby shower. I did it because I wanted to, and it was a surprise for her. We've never been terribly close, but she never thanked me for it.

To make matters worse, I had every intention of inviting her, her fiance and their child and feeding all three at my wedding. I feel hurt. What do I do?

Thanks,

-a-

opalsky007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:37afe4ac-a9e2-4c68-baa0-ab79e2d0adb0Post:c4038a76-57e9-4075-8e4f-5e427d7d8605">Uninvited!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello Fellow Knotties, My etiquette dilemma is sort of a childish one, so please forgive me. I recently got engaged and am getting married in October.  A friend of mine also got engaged and is getting married in January. I received an invitation to her wedding about a week ago. At first, I couldn't understand why there was such a long gap between the ceremony and the reception, and then it hit me-she did not invite me to dinner. While I understand that everyone has a budget, I think this is terribly tacky . I would rather NOT receive an invite at all. Instead, she wants me to show up with gifts, throw me out and expect me to find something to do across town for five hours, and then come back when everyone starts to leave. I think I am so hurt because when she was pregnant two years ago, I went to great personal expense to throw her a small baby shower. I did it because I wanted to, and it was a surprise for her. We've never been terribly close, but she never thanked me for it. To make matters worse, I had every intention of inviting her, her fiance and their child and feeding all three at my wedding. I feel hurt. What do I do? Thanks, -a-
Posted by amcmahon4020[/QUOTE]

<div>Are you sure she didn't invite you to dinner? Did your invite specifically say dance only or something?</div><div>
</div><div>While we don't consider it polite, there are a lot of reasons that people have gaps. I hope this is just a misunderstanding on your part and that you have been invited to the entire reception.</div>

ohwhynot

I'd like to see this invitation. 

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:37afe4ac-a9e2-4c68-baa0-ab79e2d0adb0Post:c4038a76-57e9-4075-8e4f-5e427d7d8605">Uninvited!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello Fellow Knotties, My etiquette dilemma is sort of a childish one, so please forgive me. I recently got engaged and am getting married in October.  A friend of mine also got engaged and is getting married in January. I received an invitation to her wedding about a week ago. At first, I couldn't understand why there was such a long gap between the ceremony and the reception, and then it hit me-she did not invite me to dinner. While I understand that everyone has a budget, I think this is terribly tacky . I would rather NOT receive an invite at all. Instead, she wants me to show up with gifts, throw me out and expect me to find something to do across town for five hours, and then come back when everyone starts to leave. I think I am so hurt because when she was pregnant two years ago, I went to great personal expense to throw her a small baby shower. I did it because I wanted to, and it was a surprise for her. We've never been terribly close, but she never thanked me for it. To make matters worse, I had every intention of inviting her, her fiance and their child and feeding all three at my wedding. I feel hurt. What do I do? Thanks, -a-
Posted by amcmahon4020[/QUOTE]

Yep, you're right.  It's terribly rude to do this.  If it bothers you that much, just decline.

crfische

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvgi7P97lu0

zippityb

Uninvited was one of my favorite NES games.

emilyinchile

Ditto Opal. There are people who have gaps between the ceremony and dinner - it's not something I've seen in person, and it's not great etiquette, but it happens. Are you sure it isn't that?

If they haven't invited you to dinner, then that's rude. However, you shouldn't be basing your decisions of who to invite to your own wedding on who invited you to theirs. Base it on the relationships you have with people. If this invitation is a symptom of a deteriorating relationship then you might not invite her and her family, but don't just erase them from the guest list out of spite. See how you feel in August of next year when you're sending out invitations.

LesPaul

Just decline the invitation, send them a nice congratulatory greeting card, and be done with it.

Calypso1977

some people do have 5 hour gaps to do pictures, or because they have to have an evening reception or a certain venue.  are you sure that you arent going to be wandering with the entire guest list looking for something to do?  did it say "dance only"?

amcmahon4020

Thanks everyone!

For those who wanted to see the invitation, here is what the text says:

" Ceremony at 2pm at XYZ Venue, RECEPTION/DANCE at 9pm at the same venue."

There were no meal option cards, no RSVP cards. I could understand a break of say, maybe three or four hours for photographs, but this seems excessive?!

-a-

Mrs.B6302007

Maybe they're not doing a meal at all?? (which is really a bad idea)

ETA: or just doing a meal for family and WP?? (which is also a bad idea)

I'd decline.

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:37afe4ac-a9e2-4c68-baa0-ab79e2d0adb0Post:11914a0a-4a98-4ada-a874-5f8ab0e7d8bd">Re: Uninvited!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone! For those who wanted to see the invitation, here is what the text says: " Ceremony at 2pm at XYZ Venue, RECEPTION/DANCE at 9pm at the same venue." There were no meal option cards, no RSVP cards. I could understand a break of say, maybe three or four hours for photographs, but this seems excessive?! -a-
Posted by amcmahon4020[/QUOTE]

Yep, that was really rude.  Try not to take it personally though - I'd chalk it up to ignorance and a very small budget rather than to a deliberate snub.  Whoever advised this bride was way, way, way wrong.

emilyinchile

Oh. Well that definitely doesn't sound like a meal since it's at 9pm - at least no meal for you. Class-tastic.

NuggetBrain

Decline.  That's bucknasty.

amcmahon4020

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thinks this is classless and tacky!! I thought I was being snobbish or rude for being hurt by this!

I guess what set me off is the fact that they asked for cash AND a gift because 'the items on the registry are only small trinkets.' WTF? Cash AND a gift??! I am not a stingy person-I love to give, it make sme feel good. This just seems super excessive!

opalsky007

That's unfortunate. I'd decline, and send a card or small gift. 

And don't immediately dismiss the idea of inviting them to your wedding. Like Emily said, your friend is being rude, but forgive her for that and think about how close your relationship is. Even if she did something lousy here, is she still someone you want to be friends with, and celebrate on your wedding day? Then invite her. If you'd rather not, then don't.

jeanna85

I would decline or just go to the ceremony and not bring a gift.

akhensley81

Yeah I'd decline the invitation and send her a card.

squirrly

They ASKED for cash?  And a gift?  Heck, either/or would be bad - you don't ASK for that stuff. 

I'd decline.  And then see if you want to invite her based on your friendship with her next year.  Don't let this define your guest list, but I would conveniently have other plans for the day of her wedding.

sarah0725

She asked for cash and a gift on a wedding invitation where she told you to scram while she fed dinner to the more important guests?

I might send her an etiquette book.

Also Squirrly: peach baby!

amcmahon4020

Yes! They included this little poem about how white envelopes should accompany items from the registry!! For your enjoyment:

"On our wedding day,
we don't ask for much.
We'd love to say
all we need is luck.

Our wants and needs
 are small trinkets at Sears.
But the gift that succeeds
will bring is to tears.

A little box with a bow,
wrapped just for us,
and a white envelope
attached with love."

Mrs.B6302007

O.
M.
G.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:37afe4ac-a9e2-4c68-baa0-ab79e2d0adb0Post:8ae76d1e-a618-4a24-b170-32d5defd9093">Re: Uninvited!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Uninvited was one of my favorite NES games.
Posted by zippityb[/QUOTE]

What about your favorite Alannis Morrisette song?

OP, I might clarify with her. "Oh, you guys aren't doing a dinner reception? Then why is your ceremony so early?" At least I would do that to be passive-agressive.

If you're good friends, invite her to your wedding and show her how polite people bahave - graciously.

zippityb

I'd photocopy a picture of my middle finger and put it in the envelope. And poop in the box.

marissa_claire

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:37afe4ac-a9e2-4c68-baa0-ab79e2d0adb0Post:82c7d5ab-a3c9-4cd2-9e8e-a7d326c44bb7">Re: Uninvited!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes! They included this little poem about how white envelopes should accompany items from the registry!! For your enjoyment: "On our wedding day, we don't ask for much. We'd love to say all we need is luck. Our wants and needs  are small trinkets at Sears. But the gift that succeeds will bring is to tears. A little box with a bow, wrapped just for us, and a white envelope attached with love."
Posted by amcmahon4020[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That is gross.  Where was that story about the girl who received an etiquette book anonymously and was furious?  Was that on here or somewhere else?

</div>

tidetravel

I'd just give her the wrapped box and a really pretty bow.  That's what she asked for, right?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:37afe4ac-a9e2-4c68-baa0-ab79e2d0adb0Post:5ec6ea1c-2525-4c60-9053-2df7cf37ff1c">Re: Uninvited!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thinks this is classless and tacky!! I thought I was being snobbish or rude for being hurt by this! I guess what set me off is the fact that they asked for cash AND a gift because 'the items on the registry are only small trinkets.' WTF? Cash AND a gift??! I am not a stingy person-I love to give, it make sme feel good. This just seems super excessive!
Posted by amcmahon4020[/QUOTE]

Whoa, what?! They put that on the invitation?! How was it worded?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:37afe4ac-a9e2-4c68-baa0-ab79e2d0adb0Post:82c7d5ab-a3c9-4cd2-9e8e-a7d326c44bb7">Re: Uninvited!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes! They included this little poem about how white envelopes should accompany items from the registry!! For your enjoyment: "On our wedding day, we don't ask for much. We'd love to say all we need is luck. Our wants and needs  are small trinkets at Sears. But the gift that succeeds will bring is to tears. A little box with a bow, wrapped just for us, and a white envelope attached with love."
Posted by amcmahon4020[/QUOTE]

Why is it that these tactastic poems are always really, really bad? Has no one ever heard of meter?!

Manwaithiel

*mouth drops open*

Wow...

simbidi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:37afe4ac-a9e2-4c68-baa0-ab79e2d0adb0Post:de44293e-7431-4fc0-9d28-37e4f8f80e1b">Re: Uninvited!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd photocopy a picture of my middle finger and put it in the envelope. And poop in the box.
Posted by zippityb[/QUOTE]

Oh yes!  This!!!!

Rosie109

What about a gift haiku? that would be totally badass.