Am I wrong to feel so hurt??

skittles1977

Hi,

I am mostly a lurker and changed my profile for this particular question.   I just recently got married on May 14th and everything was perfect except for one tiny detail.., our last dance. 

I'll try to give you a little back-story here without boring you to tears.  You see, I am originally from Southern Kentucky and my husband is from Southern Indiana.  Well ever since I have met his parents, his dad particularly has made comments about where I am from and the stigma that is normally associated with being from Kentucky (no teeth, no shoes, little or no intelligence).  I get that a lot, so yes, I am quite used to it.  I am not happy about it but I take with stride and go on.

Now fast forward to the wedding, my parents of course came up for the big shin-dig.  This was the third time my parents and his parents have seen each other.  To say the least, I am a bit nervous, because I know that these comments will not sit as well with my dad as they do with me. 

As my husband and I approached the dance floor for our final song, I noticed that his family were all gathered around with smiles on their faces.  The DJ started playing "These Are My People," by Rodney Atkins which was not the song we had picked out.  Not that it really matters that they didn't play the song that we intended, but I was a little hurt as I found out that his dad but his friend up to requesting it.  To get my wrong, I find nothing wrong with the song, but I could see the hurt on parents face as this was being played.  They all started laughing and pointing at me and my family while this was being played.  It was all I could do to keep my composure.  Although, I never said anything to anyone and went on like it didn't bother me, I can't help but to still feel a little angered by this.  My parents love my husband, but have voiced the same hurt that I felt that night.

I guess I needed to get this off my chest and get opinions on how you guys would feel if it happened to you?    Am I over-reacting?

kikibaby

That seems incredibly shiity.  Mind you, I have no idea what that song is about, but the pointing and laughing part?  WTF?  It sounds like you handled it well.  I don't think you're wrong to feel hurt.

brookelynpaisley

I couldn't care less what my FIL thinks of me, so I personally would have confronted him after and told him that was hurtful and childish.

sarah0725

Yeah that's pretty awful. What does your H say?

ohwhynot

Pointing and laughing?  Are you sure you're not embellishing just a little? 
It's a crappy enough thing to do, and I'd have my husband call his family out for it, I think, but I'm a little skeptical of "pointing and laughing" just because I've never actually seen adults do that in real life. 

skittles1977

I agree with you both, but at the time I didn't want the stress being my wedding and all.  I guess what bothers me the most is that my family is so hurt by it.

kikibaby

I'm really surprised that you DJ went along with their request, too. 

skittles1977

Yes, I am surprised about the DJ, but I did tell him he could take requests.  As for the embellishment, they were all a little hammered and his dad tends to act a little sh!tty when he drinks.

ohwhynot

If your family is upset by it, you can ask for an apology on their behalf.  Be prepared to have your inlaws tell you to lighten up, get a sense of humor, it was just a joke, etc.   Your husband should back you up, too:  some "jokes" are just shitty and cross the line.  This was one of them. 

skittles1977

Sarah- My H kind of agrees with me but doesn't want to approach it with them right now.  I feel, though, that I can't take anymore if another comment is made.

kikibaby

Probably the best way to handle it at this point is to drop it and stop thinking about it.  Let it go, remember all the great stuff about the day.  When your family brings it up, blow it off and they'll soon forget about it, too. 

skittles1977

Kiki, that was what I was thinking.  I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.  Thank you guys for your helpful responses!!

Simply Fated

That was a really horrible move on their part. For anyone who is curious as to what this song is like...

You can listen here and follow along with the lyrics that are included with the video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ly5Nhca-tZY

If you are unable to listen, here is a taste of the lyrics...
Well we grew up down by the railroad tracks
Shootin' b.b.'s at old beer cans
Chokin' on the smoke from a lucky strike
Somebody lifted off of his old man
We were football flunkies
Southern rock junkies
Crankin' up the stereo
Singin' loud and proud to gimme three steps
Simple Man, and Curtis Lowe
We were good you know

We got some discount knowledge at the junior college
Where we majored in beer and girls
It was all real funny 'til we ran out of money
And they threw us out into the world
Yeah the kids that thought they'd run this town
Ain't runnin' much of anything
We're just lovin' and laughin'
And bustin' our asses
And we call it all livin' the dream

[Chorus]

These are my people
This is where I come from
We're givin' this life everything we've got and then some
It ain't always pretty
But it's real
That's the way we were made
Wouldn't have it any other way
These are my people

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/rodneyatkins/thesearemypeople.html

The song ius meant to be fun, but if they meant it to be played offensively, then that was very low of them.

I would have stopped when I heard the song first start playing and let the DJ know that this was not the song you had requested.

But that ship has sailed. I'm sorry hun. I would take the high road and let it go.

karenwjackm

Unfortunately, that ship HAS sailed, (stopping the song at the time) however, if it was me, the next time someone makes a comment like that, I would sternly tell them that it is unappreciated and hurtful, just like their behavior during your last song was hurtful. (Actually, I would probably want to verbally blow up and start crying, but over the years I have learned that people listen to your feelings a bit better if you leave out the yelling part.)
good luck and I'm sorry someone was so hurtful to you and your family.

skittles1977

Karen- Thank you!  I agree but I am normally a pretty calm person but I tend to get offensive when my family is brought in to the situation.  I will make it understood if it happens again!!

susieq87

Wow. You handled that really well. I think I would have flipped if someone acted like that at my wedding, especially when they are your guests!! And I agree w/ PP, I think you need to confront your FIL and tell him it was immature and that it hurt you. If he says anything other than an apology, your H better stick up for you. I would expect no less than that from my new husband. Good luck!

karbar42

Wow, that's really crappy to do Sorry you had that happen.  I think that H is probably the one who should say something to his family about the song and any future comments, to let them know it's not acceptable and it's pretty crappy.

andy71781

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-wrong-feel-hurt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39da6066-647b-487a-a3b2-d877eb9d0981Post:cbec9644-5a05-4ff6-97d3-53a654c25d18">Re: Am I wrong to feel so hurt??</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm really surprised that you DJ went along with their request, too. 
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]
This was my first reaction too.

shellydiane820

This sounds like my worst nightmare in 7th grade.  Pointing and laughing? Really?  Don't be embarrassed, be embarrassed for your inlaws.  That's lame.

NuggetBrain

I would have kicked FIL in the nuts and been all "Oops!  That's just how us stupid redneck Kin-tuck-ee hicks say hi, asshole." 

Birdie1483

Growing up in Southern Indiana and now living on the other side of the river in Kentucky I can definitely say that people from Indiana have no room to talk or make fun of people from Kentucky. Actually, where I live now, we make fun of the people from Indiana as being the hicks!

On that note, I would have been upset too. I would talk to your FIL or if you dont have the guys (i wouldnt) talk to your DH and explain to him how you felt. Maybe he can talk to his family and get them to sincerely appologize and recognize how it makes you feel.

GJones27

That's horrible.  I'm so, so sorry that happened.  I would also make sure to tell the DJ.  He/she needs to know that changing major requests like the last dance without approval from the bride and groom is not cool. 

hd7694

I think that I would have had to tell my new FIL "now that I am married to your son, I guess we are your people now". 

melissamc2

I didn't know the song, so looked at the lyrics.  That was totally sh*t of his family and your husband should tell them exactly how absurdly tasteless it was.

I'm livid FOR you.

If you won't tell them off for it, I'd be happy to send an email for you. 

EDIT:  I just read this to my fiance.  He says "I'm surprised at the fact that her own husband didn't almost have it come to blows over that.  Not only should she feel hurt, he should be enraged that his family used his wedding day to play a joke on her and her family."

CLSchramm

That does really stink. Just comfort yourself in knowing that you are being the adult here by not blowing up at them when you could have. Taking the high road isn't ever easy, but it will definitely put you in a better position later on. Take comfort in that!

I definitely wouldn't try any sort of confrontation, though I would make it clear to your DH that if any sort of comments/scenes are made in the future, he better stand up for his WIFE.

Nebb

Your H sounds like a bit of a pansy if he isnt willing to approach them about something that has obviously upset both you and your family. He isnt willing to have a simple conversation with them about wtf they were thinking when they did this and express that it was not ok?

kelly&wayne

You are definitely NOT wrong to feel hurt.  I would be enraged.  I am annoyed for you on your behalf.  I absolutely agree that your H should have taken it upon himself to say something to his family.  I hope he didn't join in on the immaturity at the time.  I'm sure not!  I hope it doesn't cast a negative light on your whole day.  Hopefully other than this one instance of utter rudeness the rest of your day was perfect! 

squirrly

Another Kentuckian here, and I'm sick of the jokes too.  For anybody out there reading and lurking, please get it through your head - it's offensive. 

I can not fathom why the DJ allowed a substitution on your last dance.  Requests are one thing, but to not follow the set list of songs for specific things is another.  And, your IL's behavior is reprehensible.  However, there's nothing you could have done at the time to change things without appearing to be a biitch to everyone in the room.

Your H needs to be supportive, and honestly, if it were me, I'd have a sit down with his parents about it.  Are you planning to have children?  What about when your kids spend a week with his parents and then come home talking about how dumb their other grandparents are? 

Seriously, I wouldn't tolerate this for one more minute.  I'd be adult and civil about it, but I'd tell them I was hurt, my family was hurt, and that until we received an apology, we wouldn't be visiting.  And, until their general attitude about Kentucky changes, we wouldn't be allowing them to spend time with any future grandchildren unsupervised.  And, I'd stand by it. 

My BIL makes snotty comments about Kentucky from time to time.  And I've talked to him, and H has talked to him, and it's better.  So, I speak from some experience.  Getting your feelings hurt repeatedly isn't the way to go.  And, the longer you tolerate it, the harder it will be to get them to change.

jnic0319

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-wrong-feel-hurt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39da6066-647b-487a-a3b2-d877eb9d0981Post:8eec3fdf-5aa8-4620-b3ab-7c33441111d7">Am I wrong to feel so hurt??</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, I am mostly a lurker and changed my profile for this particular question.   I just recently got married on May 14th and everything was perfect except for one tiny detail.., our last dance.  I'll try to give you a little back-story here without boring you to tears.  You see, I am originally from Southern Kentucky and my husband is from Southern Indiana.  Well ever since I have met his parents, his dad particularly has made comments about where I am from and the stigma that is normally associated with being from Kentucky (no teeth, no shoes, little or no intelligence).  I get that a lot, so yes, I am quite used to it.  I am not happy about it but I take with stride and go on. Now fast forward to the wedding, my parents of course came up for the big shin-dig.  This was the third time my parents and his parents have seen each other.  To say the least, I am a bit nervous, because I know that these comments will not sit as well with my dad as they do with me.  As my husband and I approached the dance floor for our final song, I noticed that his family were all gathered around with smiles on their faces.  The DJ started playing "These Are My People," by Rodney Atkins which was not the song we had picked out.  Not that it really matters that they didn't play the song that we intended, but I was a little hurt as I found out that his dad but his friend up to requesting it.  To get my wrong, I find nothing wrong with the song, but I could see the hurt on parents face as this was being played.  They all started laughing and pointing at me and my family while this was being played.  It was all I could do to keep my composure.  Although, I never said anything to anyone and went on like it didn't bother me, I can't help but to still feel a little angered by this.  My parents love my husband, but have voiced the same hurt that I felt that night. I guess I needed to get this off my chest and get opinions on how you guys would feel if it happened to you?    Am I over-reacting?
Posted by skittles1977[/QUOTE]

I get the same treatment from my FI's family.  We are from the same state, but I'm from Western NY and he's from downstate, so apparently I'm a "redkneck."  Whenever I do something they don't agree with, or if the tradition is different than theirs down to the stupidest little things I get "oh that must be a <em>western</em> NY thing, people here don't do that".  I let it fly and bitch to my FI in private.  But, if that happened to me at my wedding you better believe there would have been words and I would not be speaking to his father for a while.  Rude and unacceptable.  I am so sorry!!!

JanoBean75

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-wrong-feel-hurt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39da6066-647b-487a-a3b2-d877eb9d0981Post:e48b82dc-1b53-4cee-9f44-de3328436a7f">Re: Am I wrong to feel so hurt??</a>:
[QUOTE]That's horrible.  I'm so, so sorry that happened.  I would also make sure to tell the DJ.  He/she needs to know that changing major requests like the last dance without approval from the bride and groom is not cool. 
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]

This. And everything Squirrly said.

skittles1977

Thanks everyone for your support!  I have tried to forget about this and move on, but it has stayed with me.  I have to give my husband credit, he hasn't actually stood by and watched this happen.  He has said some things to his family in my defense, but I think they think he is joking.  I sat him down last night and had a long talk with him.  I told him the next time it happens, I am definitely going to say something about this.  So he either needs to make it clear to them or watch out next because I could truly blow a gasket with all this built up inside.  Thanks again for letting me vent!