Only Well Behaved Kids Allowed?

TinaS04

I need a little advice.  I would like my wedding to be mainly an adult event.  There are numerous people who will be coming to the wedding who have small children.  I want everyone to have fun and enjoy a night out without kids (plus we do have a tight budget).  However, I have some older cousins (youngest is 14) that I am really close to and I couldn’t imagine getting married without them there.  How do you say “only well behaved children 14 years or older.”  Is that appropriate?  Do you put it on the invitation?  The response card?  Any advice is appreciated

RaptorSLH

You don't say "well behaved." First, it's subjective.  Second, it's insulting.

What you can do is set a clear cut-off: no children at all, up to first cousins only, family only, children of the wedding party only, whatever.   

To invite only certain people, be careful how you address things: John and Jane and Timmy Doe, not John Doe and Family, or John Doe +1.  Then, if someone RSVPs for children who were not invited, you tell that specific person that the invitaton was for so-and-so only, we hope that person will be able to make it, but we'll understand if they're not.

twotimemob

My sister-in-law would say that her 2-year-old is well behaved.  I would say not.

RaptorSLH

As a side note, you may find having kids isn't as big a problem as you think.  I had a 14 month and a 4 week old at mine.  I was nervous about it going in - my husband and I had considered not allowing them at all.  But on the wedding day, the only time I noticed them was to see that yet another relative was taking a turn at entertaining them.

If you do decide to invite them, let the parents know what accommodations are, or are not, available (entertainment, dinner, nap space, "child proofed" facilities, etc.)  That way they're prepared with what they need, or if its easier to hire a sitter.

Jen4948

You can't put "well-behaved" on invitations, but you can let the parents of children you are inviting (it sounds like they'll all be family) know about whatever accommodations you're providing.  If anyone RSVPs yes for uninvited children, then you call them and let them know not to bring the children because unfortunately, you cannot accommodate them.  And you stand firm.

Cortney1982

Invite all children of immediate family members only.  Splitting up families is not a good idea, and you don't want family missing out on your wedding because they couldn't or wouldn't make child care arrangements. 

Just because a child is younger does not make them ill-behaved.  Kids over 14 can be problematic at times.  We had a 1 year old who didn't cry one bit, and plenty of other kids 6-12 that were all well behaved.   When it was time to be quiet they were quiet, and when the party started they got to have fun and move around and burn off energy.

Summer2011Bride

It's up to you and FI whether or not you want to invite children. However, you can't put anything about "well behaved kids only" anywhere--I wouldn't even pass that by word of mouth. like a PP said, it's subjective and insulting.

I want to reiterate inviting by circle or having a clear cut-off. You could just do children of immediate family if you want or even extend that to just family children (not children of friends, co-workers, etc). I also think it's fine to say you're inviting all aunts, uncles, and cousins, and then this would include the cousins you want there. That could also be a cut-off.

lyndausvi

even well behaved kids have an off day.

Well-behaved is also subjective.

Not a very a good idea.

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_only-well-behaved-kids-allowed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a2189e4-7f92-4cd2-9bdc-308b1c6fbaf9Post:d8d93c81-b9a4-470a-a733-bcbc0d8d2c13">Re: Only Well Behaved Kids Allowed?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's up to you and FI whether or not you want to invite children. <strong>However, you can't put anything about "well behaved kids only" anywhere--I wouldn't even pass that by word of mouth. </strong>like a PP said, it's subjective and insulting. I want to reiterate inviting by circle or having a clear cut-off. You could just do children of immediate family if you want or even extend that to just family children (not children of friends, co-workers, etc). I also think it's fine to say you're inviting all aunts, uncles, and cousins, and then this would include the cousins you want there. That could also be a cut-off.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>That is worth repeating a million times.</div><div>
</div><div>Kids are NEVER all or nothing. You can avoid family-drama by inviting kids in very clear groups, but <strong><em>never</em><span style="font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span"> have the group be "well-behaved" kids only.   That's about as bad as "cute kids," "popular kids," or "intelligent kids" only  (it'll offend a lot of people).</span></strong></div>

SlothGoals

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_only-well-behaved-kids-allowed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a2189e4-7f92-4cd2-9bdc-308b1c6fbaf9Post:a9dd9b01-47f9-4db6-a46b-1ca9be1817fd">Re: Only Well Behaved Kids Allowed?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Only Well Behaved Kids Allowed? : That is worth repeating a million times. Kids are NEVER all or nothing. You can avoid family-drama by inviting kids in very clear groups, but <strong>never  have the group be "well-behaved" kids only.   That's about as bad as "cute kids," "popular kids," or "intelligent kids" only  (it'll offend a lot of people).</strong>
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

<div>This times 1 000 000.</div>

Avion22

We had lots of children at our wedding (about 12 kids between 6 months and 10 years in our 80-person wedding), and honestly they were barely noticeable.   We had coloring books and crayons for the younger ones, but the parents kept everyone under control.    I think people assume that just because kids are young that they can't be well-behaved.   I think you'll be surprised. 

libby2483

It would be extremely rude to put anything like this on an invitation. Just put the names of people invited on the envelope. Like PPs have said, it is best to establish a clear cut off like age or circle all cousins are invited, but no cousin's kids are invited. I also agree with PPs who said children will likely not "bother" you as much as you think. We had about fifteen kids under the age of twelve at our wedding. Some of these kids are often badly behaved. We had zero problems at our wedding, and we didn't even provide coloring books or anything. Kids entertained themselves by dancing and going in the photo booth. The only crying of the evening was at 11:00 at night when my cousin told her six year old daughter it was time to go, and her daughter didn't want to stop ddancing.

freebread03

OP do you really think its ok to put "well-behaved" on an invitation?  Like PPs said, its completely subjective, and frankly quite offensive.  You think that someone is going to say "oh little suzie isn't well behaved so I'm not brining her?"  Not likely.  Just invite who you want to invite with no indication of behavior status.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_only-well-behaved-kids-allowed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a2189e4-7f92-4cd2-9bdc-308b1c6fbaf9Post:b6c1eeaa-ded6-4487-9fec-6ee875cc9a45">Re: Only Well Behaved Kids Allowed?</a>:
[QUOTE]invite all kids, provide a separate room with a few baby-sitters and less expensive kid friendly food.  The kids still get invited, you don't hurt anyone's feelings, and you still get to have a mainly adult event. I disagree with this.  It is equally nasty to inflict Little Damien on the well-behaved children. All kids aren't created equal, either.  Adults often forget this.  There isn't a great deal of difference between a twenty-year-old and a twenty-three-year old, but there is between a five-year-old and a two-year-old. Older kids often end up as de facto babysitters for the younger ones.  Tweens and teens won't appreciate being stuffed into another room with  a babysitter and coloring books. Many parents will not leave their children, regardless of age, with someone they don't know.  Not every child NEEDS a "kid's meal."  Look at what your younger relatives eat at family gatherings. Does your nine-year old cousin Claire eat chicken fingers and chocolate pudding at Thanksgiving, or turkey and pumpkin pie?  Serve baby food to the TODDLERS.  Give the kids who can handle a knife and fork what their parents are eating.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

One other thing you didn't mention:  The badly-behaved kids in this situation often bully the other kids, and the hired babysitters can't always be counted upon to put a stop to it.  Sometimes they do only to be biiitched out by Momma and Pappa Bears (the kinds who won't discipline their children themselves but have fits when anyone else does, and who think their kids are always "cute," "adorable," "charming," and "right."  Bad situation all around.

algeary

We are having an adult only wedding with the exception of a couple 17 year olds and one 12 yr old. They are first cousins of my FI. I'm not having my 3 yr old (will be almost 5) at the ceremony or reception. So when my friends with kids ask me about my daughters role in the wedding I politely say, kids aren't invited to the wedding, including mine. Gets the message out there. I personally don't think children belong at weddings. It's my preference.