Future-Monster-In-Laws?

sunkissed_2006

How do i uninvite a already uninvited guest?...
My future-father-in-law has a new girlfriend (which is fine with me) but a few months ago I made a statement that this was a FAMILY event only and to not include people I had not already approved of. NOT ONLY did the FFIL dismiss my wishes but his mother, my future-grandmother-in-law, has also made a statement that this new girlfriend is to attend the wedding. The other issue is that 2 of the FFIL's ex-wives will be attending the wedding (one is the biological mother of the groom, the other helped raise him through high school and the groom asked that she be invited). I can not handle any more drama than what has already presented itself...so anyone....
PLEASE HELP ME!!!

thank you!!
-bride in distress!

Stackeye210

If the groom feels strongly about this, he is the one that needs to be talking to his dad and family about this.  You'll have much less stress if you just stay out of it and let him handle his family on this one.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-monster-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3bb64b76-db36-4ef2-bb01-fcaa2d5c1a7dPost:bf8517be-2814-489a-ad56-0976369b541c">Future-Monster-In-Laws?</a>:
[QUOTE]How do i uninvite a already uninvited guest?... My future-father-in-law has a new girlfriend (which is fine with me) but a few months ago I made a statement <strong>that this was a FAMILY event only and to not include people I had not already approved of</strong>. NOT ONLY did the FFIL dismiss my wishes but his mother, my future-grandmother-in-law, has also made a statement that this new girlfriend is to attend the wedding. The other issue is that 2 of the FFIL's ex-wives will be attending the wedding (one is the biological mother of the groom, the other helped raise him through high school and the groom asked that she be invited). I can not handle any more drama than what has already presented itself...so anyone.... PLEASE HELP ME!!! thank you!! -bride in distress!
Posted by sunkissed_2006[/QUOTE]

Why can't she be invited? The bolded part is a really dumb reason. If the groom's father is dating someone, you don't need to "approve" her - just invite her because she is his significant other.

And presumably the ex-wives, FFIL and gf are all adults, so they can be in charge of acting like grown-ups during the wedding.

ohwhynot

Have you sent out invitations?  I honestly think your FFIL should get a +1.   He can probably use some moral support with his 2 ex wives there! 

Really, though:  there's nothing in your post that indicates why this would cause more drama. 

sunkissed_2006

the FFIL and the FGIL are both very selfish and have been making movements throughout the entire wedding planning process to try and have things go their way instead of respecting our wishes. the groom is in the military so he does not get a chance to come home often to address the situation. the father has proven before that he can not act like an adult by what he says to not only me but his son, his ex-wives, as well as being excessivly controlling towards the new girlfriend. my only problem is that he has thus far not been respectul towards his son's feelings or my own. that is the part that i have a problem with.
if he had not shown his a$$ prior to the invitations being sent out i would not have a problem with the girlfriend coming but due to his behavior and how he addresses me more often than not i just feel that he does not see how hurtful his actions, words, and decisions can be at times.

a bit dramatic, yes, but when dealing with this dramatic family as well as my own (who is going through a divorce) the emotions tend to run high.
feedback is greatly appreciated but there are reasons for why i did not want to invite the new girlfriend.

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-monster-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3bb64b76-db36-4ef2-bb01-fcaa2d5c1a7dPost:1166bcbb-d1c6-4c88-9232-9bbad4c18d59">Re: Future-Monster-In-Laws?</a>:
[QUOTE]the FFIL and the FGIL are both very selfish and have been making movements throughout the entire wedding planning process to try and have things go their way instead of respecting our wishes. the groom is in the military so he does not get a chance to come home often to address the situation.<strong> the father has proven before that he can not act like an adult</strong> by what he says to not only me but his son, his ex-wives, as well as being <strong>excessivly controlling towards the new girlfriend</strong>. my only problem is that <strong>he has thus far not been respectul towards his son's feelings</strong> or my own. that is the part that i have a problem with. <strong>if he had not shown his a$$</strong> prior to the invitations being sent out i would not have a problem with the girlfriend coming but due to <strong>his behavior</strong> and <strong>how he addresses me</strong> more often than not i just feel that he does not see how hurtful<strong> his actions, words, and decisions</strong> can be at times. a bit dramatic, yes, but when dealing with this dramatic family as well as my own (who is going through a divorce) the emotions tend to run high. feedback is greatly appreciated but there are reasons for why i did not want to invite the new girlfriend.
Posted by sunkissed_2006[/QUOTE]

From these statements, I can see why you might have a problem with FFIL coming, but what the hell did his girlfriend do to you?

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-monster-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3bb64b76-db36-4ef2-bb01-fcaa2d5c1a7dPost:1166bcbb-d1c6-4c88-9232-9bbad4c18d59">Re: Future-Monster-In-Laws?</a>:
[QUOTE]the FFIL and the FGIL are both very selfish and have been making movements throughout the entire wedding planning process to try and have things go their way instead of respecting our wishes. the groom is in the military so he does not get a chance to come home often to address the situation. <strong>the father has proven before that he can not act like an adult by what he says to not only me but his son, his ex-wives, as well as being excessivly controlling towards the new girlfriend</strong>. my only problem is that he has thus far not been respectul towards his son's feelings or my own. that is the part that i have a problem with. if he had not shown his a$$ prior to the invitations being sent out i would not have a problem with the girlfriend coming but due to his behavior and how he addresses me more often than not i just feel that he does not see how hurtful his actions, words, and decisions can be at times. a bit dramatic, yes, but when dealing with this dramatic family as well as my own (who is going through a divorce) the emotions tend to run high. feedback is greatly appreciated but there are reasons for why i did not want to invite the new girlfriend.
Posted by sunkissed_2006[/QUOTE]

I don't see how whether his girlfriend is there or not makes much of a difference to him being an ass then. I still say that you should invite her.

If you are dead-set on not inviting her, you need to talk to your FI. Is he willing to ruin his relationship with his father over this? If so, then that's the decision, and you send the invitation addressed only to FFIL and explain if he RSVPs for the GF too that she isn't invited. But you need to both know that not inviting someone's SO is a potential relationship-ruiner, and it's not fair of you to pressure your FI to do that if he's not prepared for the consequences. If he would rather just invite the GF and avoid the drama, you need to accept that.

ohwhynot

Those are all really crappy reasons, to be perfectly frank.  They have NOTHING to do with the girlfriend herself and everything to do with somehow punishing your fil for being a jerk.   Don't be that person - invite your ffil with a +1 and try not to give it another thought.

Also - think of all the Thanksgivings and other holidays you have to look forward to with your ffil and his girlfriend.  Do you really want to start out your life with your husband's family this way?  By slighting this woman because her boyfriend has been hurtful to you?

texagj

I understand FI is in the military but don't you still have a way to contact him? I really think this needs to be up to him. Its his family and if he doesn't want them to come then he should address it. He may actually want to let this one go and not deal with the drama that will happen if you don't allow her to come.

mgietler76

Listen to OWN, she's a smart woman

JenGin74

It sound to me like you don't want to invite her just to be spiteful to FFIL

banana468

Ditto OWN.  Those are crappy reasons to justify being rude.

FFIL has a GF.  It's appropriate to invite her so just do it.  If anyone get out of line, deal with it that day.

sunkissed_2006

these are all nice/good thoughts
but in reading all of these one thing still bothers me.
what about the assumptions that are being made towards our consideration towards her. she just came into the picture and most of what i guess worries me is that she is going to feel excluded on a day that is very important to me and the groom, and i guess that all of the messages above have brought me to this question.
how do i become comfortable enough with the possibility that she will feel a bit left out (unintentionally might i add, there is no one else on the guest list that she knows except for the FFIL) on a day when everyone should be included?. she attended a rather large event 2 months ago and made it very obvious that she was not including herself in the family. i felt very sorry for her even though i did make it a point to go and try to talk to her and even invited her to come and stand inside with us. i have no choice but to invite her at this point becuase of statements that have been made by the FFIL and i just don't wish to bring more drama. (which i know it seems that i have but in all reality i have been very open with the new girlfriend and have tried my best to make her a part of any conversation that she might be around to have a say-so for, include her in discussions of the groom and our future plans, etc.) but i guess what gets my goat is that the FFIL likes to throw things into my face and i feel that he is now using her in the same manner.
so the question again,
how do i become comfortable enough with the possibility that she will feel a bit left out (unintentionally might i add, there is no one else on the guest list that she knows except for the FFIL) on a day when everyone should be included?

ohwhynot

Sigh.  Okay, I'll take your complete backpedal as genuine and sincere.  Your fi's grandmother is obviously in her corner, so she can hang out with her.  Problem solved!

emilyinchile

She's included by being invited. Not "everyone" should be including in things like family pictures, so she can be a big girl during those times since she is not family. It's really not your problem to babysit her.

banana468

Ditto.

She's included because she's there.  She'll sit with FFIL, he escorts her, dances with her, etc.  That's how she is included.  Make sure to treat them as a couple.

zitiqueen

If you give a guest a +1, you don't get to dictate who the +1 can or can't be.

sarah0725

In addition to all the smart things that everyone has said, it is your job to invite her, because your FI's father should be able to bring his girlfriend, but it's not up to you to follow her around and make sure that she's having a good time. She is a grown woman, and your FFIL's date. She should be able to take care of herself, and if she isn't able to do so, then well, that's between her and her psychologist. You're doing the right thing to invite her.

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-monster-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3bb64b76-db36-4ef2-bb01-fcaa2d5c1a7dPost:24214b87-5c9a-47fd-832b-eacce6424d54">Re: Future-Monster-In-Laws?</a>:
[QUOTE]Listen to OWN, she's a smart woman
Posted by mgietler76[/QUOTE]

This.

jcamm11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-monster-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3bb64b76-db36-4ef2-bb01-fcaa2d5c1a7dPost:3867bfac-2c63-4eb9-bb7d-7a04e60ae836">Re: Future-Monster-In-Laws?</a>:
[QUOTE] As far as her feeling left out.... I don't think she expects to be included in photos or anything. 
Posted by katelynbrian[/QUOTE]

Funny story (sort of).  My best friend, gay male, went to his first love's sister's wedding after they'd been dating like a month.  9 months later his relationship with first love ended.  To this day, he is still angry with first love and his family for having a big, long wedding photo session, and not including him in the photos.