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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Sending invitations to terminally ill people
Hello -
This question is in response to a crisis that my future monster-in-law created (another long story for another board) where she sent her requirement of 30 guests she wants at our 80 person wedding on 6-30-12(for which we already signed the contract for) ....
My question is this: a couple people on the list are individuals who will most definitely not be able to come. 1 has ALS and is already taking a turn for the worse (and knowing that disease, I don't see her being able to make it) and the other is very elderly and gets sick on and off (and lives a few states away). The future MIL says that they should an invitation anyway because they will send a gift. My thing is that if they are this sick/frail, then it's pretty obvious they won't be able to make it and then it's basically a gift solicitation (which is particularly rude to someone who doesn't hasn't seen the groom in years and doesn't have much time left on earth).
What's the better way to go? Should we send an invite or do you guys think it's inappropriate? I won't get fresh if you side with the scary MIL 
Thanks in advance.
Thanks in advance.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Sending invitations to terminally ill people
[QUOTE]I'd rather get an invitation and see i was invited than not get an invitation just because I was sick. Even if you know the person can't make it, if you want them there, let them know by sending them an invitation.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
This. It has nothing to do with gift socilication. I sent invites to many people who I knew wouldn't be able to come to my wedding but I for sure wanted them to know that I wanted them there.
If your FIL's are helping to pay for the wedding are they putting strings on the money? Like inviting too many people, etc?
[QUOTE]N<strong>ot sending an invitation to someone who is terminally ill (who you'd want there) is the same as saying 'you're with one foot in the grave already, you don't count anymore'. </strong>Very offensive. But what your FMIL said 'we have to do it, because they will send gifts' is very tacky. Does your FMIL pay for the wedding? If she doesn't, you can ask her to cut down her list a little.
Posted by Elinetrouwt[/QUOTE]
Yeah, this. I'm pretty sure those guests will be very touched to receive an invitation, even if they can't come or send a gift. It's nice to be thought of.
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We sent a couple to people in similar situations. They weren't able to attend because of health reasons, but they were happy to be invited. Oh, and both lived for quite a while after the wedding, one is still alive! (Not that that has anything to do with their invitation status.)
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[QUOTE]Not sending an invitation to someone who is terminally ill (who you'd want there) is the same as saying 'you're with one foot in the grave already, you don't count anymore'. Very offensive. But what your FMIL said 'we have to do it, because they will send gifts' is very tacky. Does your FMIL pay for the wedding? If she doesn't, you can ask her to cut down her list a little.
Posted by Elinetrouwt[/QUOTE]
That's what I was thinking. It makes it sound like you expect them pretty much to be dead and gone by the time the wedding come.
</div><div>This here is the only part that really matters. Their being sick doesn't really change the fact that they just aren't close enough.
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This happened with my grandfather. His sister's grandson got married and only he was invited. He was 83 years old, in poor health and did not drive. He was not invited with a guest nor was any of his children invited. So how was he supposed to get there? Total gift grab. When I saw this I said not to send a gift, but my aunt had already sent one. It really bothered me.
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[QUOTE]I would invite as well. I hate being left out because I live in England and people forget about me I think it would be even worse if you were ill.
Posted by NCV2[/QUOTE]
Definitely this, and what other PPs said. I sent invitations to people that I knew wouldn't be able to come, like my BM's FI who is deployed right now. Obviously he can't come but I wanted to extend the invitation anyway.
[QUOTE]As many posters said, invite them if you'd have invited them otherwise. You wouldn't have, so you don't. Sit down with your FI and your FMIL and explain that you have a very small venue, that can only hold a certain amount of people, and that you want an intimate atmosphere. Tell her she can only invite X (insert a number that you feel is reasonable here, 20? 15?) people, so she will need to trim down her list. Be firm about it.
Posted by Elinetrouwt[/QUOTE] There is a side issue in regards to the # that she wants. She is divorced and wants a certain # of people but doesn't count her ex-husband's requests into the allocated # of guests that she can have attend. There are also people that are close to us that we consider friends of the family that she is also not considering... but that's un related.
Some of you had mentioned that if they weren't already going to be invited if they were healthy, not to send them an invitation. I am going to go based on this.... I think even though it may dissapoint them to not be invited, it will be a lot less rude. On the contrary, my grandmother is 82, has a few health conditions like lymphedema in her legs and takes medication that would make taking the flight back to NY from CA very impossible... so I know she can't make it but she's definitely getting an invitation. Thanks for your help - I feel a lot better about my decision!
Are these people you would invite if your FMIL didn't give you the list? Is she paying for stuff? If she's not, you get to invite who you want.