Sending invitations to terminally ill people

misstomrstodr

Hello - 

This question is in response to a crisis that my future monster-in-law created (another long story for another board) where she sent her requirement of 30 guests she wants at our 80 person wedding on 6-30-12(for which we already signed the contract for) .... 

My question is this: a couple people on the list are individuals who will most definitely not be able to come. 1 has ALS and is already taking a turn for the worse (and knowing that disease, I don't see her being able to make it) and the other is very elderly and gets sick on and off (and lives a few states away). The future MIL says that they should an invitation anyway because they will send a gift. My thing is that if they are this sick/frail, then it's pretty obvious they won't be able to make it and then it's basically a gift solicitation (which is particularly rude to someone who doesn't hasn't seen the groom in years and doesn't have much time left on earth). 

What's the better way to go? Should we send an invite or do you guys think it's inappropriate? I won't get fresh if you side with the scary MIL Thanks in advance.

misstomrstodr

my computer literally flipped out (I'm on Google Chrome and it froze). So I really apologize for the 4 duplicate posts. I don't know how to delete them but I'll try to figure out...thanks for your patience

Simply Fated

I'd rather get an invitation and see i was invited than not get an invitation just because I was sick. Even if you know the person can't make it, if you want them there, let them know by sending them an invitation.

j_jaye

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sending-invitations-terminally-ill-people-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:413ffbd9-0a6b-4d7f-bcdd-dc52307d2f02Post:d3a0ae16-0c91-4a76-b634-4c4a30495dbc">Re: Sending invitations to terminally ill people</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd rather get an invitation and see i was invited than not get an invitation just because I was sick. Even if you know the person can't make it, if you want them there, let them know by sending them an invitation.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

This. It has nothing to do with gift socilication. I sent invites to many people who I knew wouldn't be able to come to my wedding but I for sure wanted them to know that I wanted them there.

Elinetrouwt

Not sending an invitation to someone who is terminally ill (who you'd want there) is the same as saying 'you're with one foot in the grave already, you don't count anymore'. Very offensive. But what your FMIL said 'we have to do it, because they will send gifts' is very tacky.

Does your FMIL pay for the wedding? If she doesn't, you can ask her to cut down her list a little.

kmmssg

Send invitations based on relationship and who you hope can attend your wedding.  If these 2 ill people would be invited because you and FI want them there then you should invite them.  If you never would have considered inviting them in the first place since your wedding is so small, then Fi needs to chat with his mom about this.

If your FIL's are helping to pay for the wedding are they putting strings on the money?  Like inviting too many people, etc?

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sending-invitations-terminally-ill-people-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:413ffbd9-0a6b-4d7f-bcdd-dc52307d2f02Post:42406a55-4655-4176-83f9-00b6213016c7">Re: Sending invitations to terminally ill people</a>:
[QUOTE]N<strong>ot sending an invitation to someone who is terminally ill (who you'd want there) is the same as saying 'you're with one foot in the grave already, you don't count anymore'. </strong>Very offensive. But what your FMIL said 'we have to do it, because they will send gifts' is very tacky. Does your FMIL pay for the wedding? If she doesn't, you can ask her to cut down her list a little.
Posted by Elinetrouwt[/QUOTE]

Yeah, this.  I'm pretty sure those guests will be very touched to receive an invitation, even if they can't come or send a gift.  It's nice to be thought of.

mica178

I'd send the invitation.

We sent a couple to people in similar situations.  They weren't able to attend because of health reasons, but they were happy to be invited.  Oh, and both lived for quite a while after the wedding, one is still alive!  (Not that that has anything to do with their invitation status.)

PetalPockets2012

Send the invitation. If you would be inviting them if they were well, invite them.

[Deleted User]

Send them an invitation - let them know they were invited and thought of as someone you wanted to be a part of your special day.  My cousin did not invite my Great Aunt simply because she could not travel and it reflected poorly on her with the family.  I already know she won't be able to travel to my wedding, but I will be making sure she gets an invite.

achiduck

Ditto Eline.. send them the invite.

Also, your FMIL is wrong, just because someone receives an invitation doesn't automatically mean they will send a gift. Gifts are not required -even from those that do attend the wedding.

J&K10910

I'd send the invites under normal circumstances...except that I wouldn't in your case, because your FMIL is on some crazy bullshiit and you need to let her know exactly how many people she can dictate on the invite list.  Unless, of course, she's paying.

lyndausvi

I sent an invitation to my terminally ill cousin.  He couldn't make to the wedding, but  his wife did.  I can't imagine not inviting him just because he was ill.   That just seems so wrong.  He passed away a few months later.

I also sent invitations to a 102 year old and a 96 year old. Both in so-so health.  The 101 year old did not make it, but the 96 year old did.  She die a few months later also.  I was so happy she was at my wedding.  We have some of the last photographs of her alive.

[Deleted User]

I would invite as well.  I hate being left out because I live in England and people forget about me I think it would be even worse if you were ill.  

RaptorSLH

Incidentally, the same etiquette applies to people you know have other plans, or won't be able to make it due to school/work/travel/budget/pregnancy etc.  If you would want them there, invite them, and they will know they were thought of.  Don't invite them if you wouldn't want them, because plans might change, and you could have more guests than you bargained for.  Gifts don't figure into it.

sparent2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sending-invitations-terminally-ill-people-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:413ffbd9-0a6b-4d7f-bcdd-dc52307d2f02Post:42406a55-4655-4176-83f9-00b6213016c7">Re: Sending invitations to terminally ill people</a>:
[QUOTE]Not sending an invitation to someone who is terminally ill (who you'd want there) is the same as saying 'you're with one foot in the grave already, you don't count anymore'. Very offensive. But what your FMIL said 'we have to do it, because they will send gifts' is very tacky. Does your FMIL pay for the wedding? If she doesn't, you can ask her to cut down her list a little.
Posted by Elinetrouwt[/QUOTE]

That's what I was thinking. It makes it sound like you expect them pretty much to be dead and gone by the time the wedding come.

Bonzo2011

If they are people who would be invited under normal circumstances, then like PP said, invite them. 

I also have some relatives who probably will not be able to travel to my wedding. But if by some miracle they're able to make the trip, I definitely want them there! So, even though we don't expect them to come, they will get the invite, and I know they will appreciate the thought.

misstomrstodr

Thanks everyone for your feedback! I should have elaborated better I guess.... the 2 people that she wants to be invited are not what we would consider close family by any stretch.... they were not people we were going to invite until she sent her list of 30 people. She is only contributing a small amount to the rehearsal dinner and that's it. Nothing to anything else and has been trying to pull some imaginary strings anyway so it's a bit bizarre... I guess my etiquitte question is that if they aren't really close family (and in all honesty, they would NOT be getting an invitation if I knew they weren't sick). It would be different, of course, if they were close to us but I'm talking about a distant cousin. And it's an 80 person wedding so we really don't have the capacity for extended family, which is why we weren't looking to invite that many people anyway. That being said, this is why I was concerned with how it looked if we send the invitation. The elderly woman has a daughter who is well, (a 2nd cousin or something of my future hubs) and she is NOT getting an invitation. They are basically about the same in terms of how many times he's seen them (we've been together 4+ years and I've never met them), which is why I thought sending an invitation to the sick one would be an actual slap in the face if the healthy one isn't getting one.... with this elaboration, do you guys think I should still send an invitation to her? You guys will get the final say - I will defer to you

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE] (and in all honesty, they would NOT be getting an invitation if I knew they weren't sick)[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This here is the only part that really matters.  Their being sick doesn't really change the fact that they just aren't close enough.

</div>

jelybeancg

The elderly woman has a daughter who is well, (a 2nd cousin or something of my future hubs) and she is NOT getting an invitation. They are basically about the same in terms of how many times he's seen them (we've been together 4+ years and I've never met them), which is why I thought sending an invitation to the sick one would be an actual slap in the face if the healthy one isn't getting one.

This happened with my grandfather. His sister's grandson got married and only he was invited. He was 83 years old, in poor health and did not drive. He was not invited with a guest nor was any of his children invited. So how was he supposed to get there? Total gift grab. When I saw this I said not to send a gift, but my aunt had already sent one. It really bothered me.

Elinetrouwt

As many posters said, invite them if you'd have invited them otherwise. You wouldn't have, so you don't.

Sit down with your FI and your FMIL and explain that you have a very small venue, that can only hold a certain amount of people, and that you want an intimate atmosphere. Tell her she can only invite X (insert a number that you feel is reasonable here, 20? 15?) people, so she will need to trim down her list. Be firm about it. 

musicalsunlight

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sending-invitations-terminally-ill-people-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:413ffbd9-0a6b-4d7f-bcdd-dc52307d2f02Post:cd2e36e2-f95b-4a95-ae4f-e6034bf57495">Re: Sending invitations to terminally ill people</a>:
[QUOTE]I would invite as well.  I hate being left out because I live in England and people forget about me I think it would be even worse if you were ill.  
Posted by NCV2[/QUOTE]

Definitely this, and what other PPs said. I sent invitations to people that I knew wouldn't be able to come, like my BM's FI who is deployed right now. Obviously he can't come but I wanted to extend the invitation anyway.

misstomrstodr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sending-invitations-terminally-ill-people-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:413ffbd9-0a6b-4d7f-bcdd-dc52307d2f02Post:81cc7cc1-704b-4dca-b95b-47981c66c9b9">Re: Sending invitations to terminally ill people</a>:
[QUOTE]As many posters said, invite them if you'd have invited them otherwise. You wouldn't have, so you don't. Sit down with your FI and your FMIL and explain that you have a very small venue, that can only hold a certain amount of people, and that you want an intimate atmosphere. Tell her she can only invite X (insert a number that you feel is reasonable here, 20? 15?) people, so she will need to trim down her list. Be firm about it. 
Posted by Elinetrouwt[/QUOTE] There is a side issue in regards to the # that she wants. She is divorced and wants a certain # of people but doesn't count her ex-husband's requests into the allocated # of guests that she can have attend. There are also people that are close to us that we consider friends of the family that she is also not considering... but that's un related.

Some of you had mentioned that if they weren't already going to be invited if they were healthy, not to send them an invitation. I am going to go based on this.... I think even though it may dissapoint them to not be invited, it will be a lot less rude. On the contrary, my grandmother is 82, has a few health conditions like lymphedema in her legs and takes medication that would make taking the flight back to NY from CA very impossible... so I know she can't make it but she's definitely getting an invitation. Thanks for your help - I feel a lot better about my decision!

RaptorSLH

Glad you feel better  

Regarding the guest count, it might be more effective in the case of a divorce to split the list between her and FFIL - he gets 15, she gets 15, your parents together get 30, and 20 for you and FI, like that.  Or let FI decide how to pare her list down to size, based on how close he is to them.

ginadog

My dad is battling cancer and he is on the guest list.  My venue has a 75 person max.  He's trying to stay alive until March to meet his two new grandbabies (both of my sisters are due in March).  I've counted him on the guest list becuase you never know.

Are these people you would invite if your FMIL didn't give you the list?  Is she paying for stuff?  If she's not, you get to invite who you want.