WWYD--WR & $$

RachNRich

Rich's parents have been very generous to us regarding the wedding, amongst other things. They sent us a check (written out to Rich) for the wedding. I suggested we open a joint account for the money we had been given, as it would create relative ease for whomever needed to make a purchase or payment for WR things. He said no--without explanation--and deposited the check into his savings account. After he said no, I dropped the joint account suggestions--and just pay for everything out of my own pocket (i.e. our invitations, and reception deposits), despite him telling me he'd give me money---I hate having to ask for a check from him every.single.time.

Fast forward to now. He just hands me a sweet card from his parents from his trip home for Christmas. The card indicates that our gift this year is a join gift; they have offered to send us on a vacation/honeymoon of our choice once my health improves. I was thrilled. Rich then tells me he has a check for $1k in his wallet. I suggest, again, a joint account. He again says no.

I'm not trying to be money-grubby. But this is the second gift from his parents to us that he just deposits into his own accounts.

I'm afraid to keep bringing it up---I fear he may think all I want is the money. After all, he makes 6 times what I do, and his family is very wealthy--whereas, mine is not. He clams up over money talks, especially when I try to talk about it directly. And FFS...we are getting married in just over two months.

What would you guys do? Any tips on how to address this situation? Should I just STFU about the $ because it's from his family? I swear, I'm at my whit's end...

danieliza1127

I think I would definitely need to sit down and talk with him about the situation.  I would want to know why he's against the joint account ideas when both amounts from his parents where intended to be for the both of you.  If he doesn't trust you with money, I think you'd want to know that.  I think if you approach it from a concerned stand point, not confrontational, it would be better. 

Brie2010

Uh, I'd be really upset about this.

I get the arguments for not having a joint account before the wedding.  I can't tell from your post whether he's reimbursing you for the wedding expenses or not, but if he's not, we'd be having a cometojesus talk pretty soon.

Clamming up over money talks isn't an excuse for him.  Are you just never going to talk about money?  He needs to grow up and learn to deal with this stuff maturely.

Night_Sprite

I would talk to him.  I think if it is an issue for him you need to figure out how to resolve it before the wedding.  If he is putting it into savings but it is for wedding, then it should be addressed, especially because you're paying for wedding related purchases.  These things are for both of you.  

Stackeye210

I think money is an imporant discussion that you should be able to talk about openly.  Maybe he has his reasons and they might be good ones, but you should be able to ask "why".  You should be able to feel good about the response as well. 

SwedishChick2011

It sounds to me like Rich is being pretty controlling about the money.  I think you need to sit down and talk this over because it could become a bigger problem down the road.  I would be very frustrated as well. 

beatlesgirl25

Oh man, that is frustrating. I don't think you need to STFU about it at all. I think you need a joint account anyway, because you are getting married. Do you guys have a plan as to when you are going to open one? I know some people wait until they are married (I did), but in the meantime we shared all monies in our accounts, so we might as well have had one. Money sucks because it is a big deal in relationships but so hard to talk about. I think he's being weird about this.

georgia_bride09

Honestly, with Rich not wanting you to have surgery because of scars and now not wanting to have a joint account with you, the woman he is marrying, he sounds like a major asshole.

I understand that not everyone believes in joint accounts, but since you'd like one, he should at least hear you out and tell you his reasons for not wanting one. It seems to me like he probably doesn't want to give up complete control over his finances (I initially had that problem before we got a joint account), but marriage is all about compromise, so you need to bring it up again and not drop it until either you're satisfied with his reasons for not wanting a joint account or you both come up with a compromise, like a joint account for money like that, but you each keep your own accounts as well.  

mocha beans

Agreed, you definately need to have a sit down with him.

Does he assume you're going to go all haywire shopping spree on him with the money?  Does he think this is how married life is going to be, you have some of your own money, but he has control over the joint money and his own money?  That wouldn't fly with me, at all.  Joint money that is intended as such is something you both should have access to.

tenofcups4me

You need to discuss this with him. It sounds like it's not going to be easy to open up the conversation, but this is ridiculous. And it's setting the pattern for how money is going to be handled in the future. How exactly you approach it really depends on how the two of you handle "serious" conversations. 

It's ridiculous that you're paying money from your own account for wedding things when there's money is his account expressly given for that purpose.

danieliza1127

Oh I also want to add, my H and I didn't have joint accounts for a long time.  So I'm not saying that just because you're getting married, you should have joint accounts.  I'm saying, and I think we all agree, he should at least be willing to talk to you about it and tell you his reasons why he doesn't want you to have access to that money.  If you know his reasons, then you can come to a compromise.  If he just says no with no explanation, all you have left to do is think the worst.  Tell him that.

scoetto

I also think this needs to be discussed and resolved ASAP. J had his foot down firm when it came to a joint account, but I didn't want one either. We have joint savings only, with our own individual checking & savings.

What's up with your health & surgery? I missed something...

[Deleted User]

You need to talk with him. You deserve to know why. I can't imagine a reasonable excuse for him not wanting to open an account with money that is for the both of you.

And I hate to say it, but I'm with georgia on this one. I'm not feeling like a Rich fan right now.

betrothed123

I agree with everyone else.  It's a huge red flag that he's not willing to even discuss the option of a joint account with you.  I'd get to the bottom of his reasoning, and I'd do it ASAP.  He may have very sound reasons, and after hearing him out you might agree with him, but he has to be willing to discuss this with you. 

What are you going to do after you get married?  Have you figured that out yet?

RachNRich

He has offered to pay for things along the way---the invitations, for instance, were ordered off of Etsy. I placed the order, so I paid. I don't, at.all., mind paying---but I'm certainly not making big bucks.

The last time I brought up the joint account issue over the money given to us for the wedding---he said no. When pressed about his reasoning---he said he'd rather pay for costs out of his "liquid cash" and leave the money in a savings account to get interest (which, from my understanding, the amount of money we received, in addition to the time it would be in the account, would amount to about $100 in interest---not a really viable reason for interest, but whatever).

I'm not sure if he trusts me with money or not---he hasn't said one way or another, but of course I would like to know one way or another. Out of pocket, I have spent about two grand on WR things, including my dress, his suit, the deposits for the ceremony and reception location, and invitations. I make 9 grand a year as a GA---which isn't much.

Whenever I try to have money related conversations, they always go south quickly. And, they always seem to end up with him reiterating that I needn't be worried about money---because we are fine. It's so utterly frustrating.

beatlesgirl25

Honestly, with Rich not wanting you to have surgery because of scars and now not wanting to have a joint account with you, the woman he is marrying, he sounds like a major asshole.

Oh, I missed this... I really hope this is a misunderstanding. Yeah, he at least owes you an honest conversation about the money stuff. I see nothing wrong with a joint account for at least the wedding money, so you don't have to keep pulling from yours and asking him for checks. 

RachNRich

I'm not much of a Rich fan right now either--and I've let him know it. He's getting in the way of my doctors (in my opinion) because he isn't on board with their decisions. They are doing a lymph node biopsy on Thursday, and he wants me to intervien before and tell them to try other options (i.e. medication) to see if my health improves prior to surgery. But he isn't dealing first hand with my health, and I just want to let the doctors do what they think needs to be done, end of story. I understand he doesn't want me to have a scar on my neck two months prior to a wedding--but I just want to be better---and if an effing scar helps them get me there, then so be it.

As for money issues after the wedding, we haven't had that discussion. He's always paid the rent, and I've always paid the rest (electric, gas, cable/internet). It's worked out well---but I don't know that it's a suitable long-term solution. I'm just looking for the nearest wall to bang my head into.

BecW2be

Tell him you are not worried about the money. You are worried about being treated fairly and as an equal partner once you are married. Then tell him you want 1/2 the wedding money and Christmas money for your account, since you can't have a joint one. If they're your gifts too, then they need to be split equally.

And what's this about surgery and scars? That would halt me about as quickly as his refusal to share money gifts.

Brie2010

Not being able to talk freely about money is a huge red flag, IMO.  I think it's incredibly inconsiderate that he's making you pay all of this out of your tiny GA salary. 

To me, it's not about the money, it's about the fact that a) he can't communicate clearly with you about very real major issues and b) he's putting you in a bad financial situation seemingly without a second thought.  Red.  Flag.

danieliza1127

So basically he wants to be in total control of the money and he wants you to come ask him for money when you need it, old school-like.  You need to decide if you're okay with living your married life like that.  If you aren't, you need to sit down and address it with him now, before you get married. 

If it usually goes south, pander to him a little bit.  Prop him up, tell him how much you appreciate how financially sound he is and stroke his ego about how good he is with money, and then move into talking about how the two of you will  handle money and expenses moving forward and especially after the wedding.  Sometimes it's all about how you go into the conversation.

vallyhoo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-wr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4219d3e4-0740-491b-972c-68004c2eaf7cPost:674124c7-e433-4a2a-93ff-2e2d20f13515">Re: WWYD--WR & $$</a>:
[QUOTE]He has offered to pay for things along the way---the invitations, for instance, were ordered off of Etsy. I placed the order, so I paid. I don't, at.all., mind paying---but I'm certainly not making big bucks. The last time I brought up the joint account issue over the money given to us for the wedding---he said no. When pressed about his reasoning---he said he'd rather pay for costs out of his "liquid cash" and leave the money in a savings account to get interest (which, from my understanding, the amount of money we received, in addition to the time it would be in the account, would amount to about $100 in interest---not a really viable reason for interest, but whatever). I'm not sure if he trusts me with money or not---he hasn't said one way or another, but of course I would like to know one way or another. Out of pocket, I have spent about two grand on WR things, including my dress, his suit, the deposits for the ceremony and reception location, and invitations. I make 9 grand a year as a GA---which isn't much. Whenever I try to have money related conversations, they always go south quickly. And, they always seem to end up with him reiterating that I needn't be worried about money---because we are fine. It's so utterly frustrating.
Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]

This sounds like he is using money as a form of power over you. I know we don't know the entire story, but that's just the gist I'm getting.

lilgina64

Maybe this stems from how his dad handles the money? I'm willing to bet that if his father made the bulk of the family "fortune" that he probably saw his dad always handle the finances and his mom just always asked for money when she wanted it. I hate to make assumptions, but are they "old money" or "new money"? I had a friend who came from "old money" and his mom was telling me that when she married his dad it was a whole debacle of having seperate finances and getting an "allowance"....

I'd say just sit him down and ask him how he thinks that money should be handled. Then if you disagree with whatever he says, tell him that you need to find a middle ground.

you will eventually make more money. but that isn't the point. Finances work best when you both know whats going on. None of this "tell the little woman we're all set for $$" stuff.

meanwhile, I hope your not too scared about surgery and I'm hear if you need an ear(eye?) to listen(read?)!!

bbyckes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-wr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4219d3e4-0740-491b-972c-68004c2eaf7cPost:f49843ec-930b-4922-ad88-1e94b9d11e76">Re: WWYD--WR & $$</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell him you are not worried about the money. You are worried about being treated fairly and as an equal partner once you are married. Then tell him you want 1/2 the wedding money and Christmas money for your account, since you can't have a joint one. If they're your gifts too, then they need to be split equally.
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

I like this approach.  Have a discussion about equality and fairness, not about money.

I won't judge Rich, because we haven't heard his side of things, but it sounds like he's used to getting his way.  Was he previously married? 

pinkpinot

Rach, I obviously don't know you but when I read your post, I see red flags everywhere.  I'm so sorry your going through all of this but your FI sounds selfish. Does he realize that when you are married you will become a joint economic unit? His unwillingness to share an account just speaks volumes about him to me.

SwedishChick2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-wr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4219d3e4-0740-491b-972c-68004c2eaf7cPost:737a8026-3592-4c2e-b50d-ae8d65569712">Re: WWYD--WR & $$</a>:
[QUOTE] understand he doesn't want me to have a scar on my neck two months prior to a wedding--but I just want to be better---and if an effing scar helps them get me there, then so be it. Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]
W.T.F.  Who cares if there's a scar on your neck for your wedding?  It probably won't even be noticeable, and even if it is, so what?  Seriously, he's being a diick right now.   

squirrly

I'd tell him you need to have an open, honest, complete conversation regarding finances, ASAP.  I'd make a list on paper of all the things you need/want to know, get resolved, etc. prior to the conversation so that you can't forget them or get brushed off in the moment. 

FI and I don't have a joint account right now.  Neither of us has suggested it.  To me, it doesn't really make sense given all the other financial things we have going, but we're also open about money stuff. 

And, I'm with the others.  This thing of him not wanting you to follow the best advice of your doctors PLUS being shady about money makes me not his biggest fan today.  Not at all. 

Here's the thing - his co-workers still don't know about you, right?  It REALLY sounds to me like he wants to be entirely in control, keep you in his pocket, and very tightly manage what you know/do/etc.  I would throw a hissy, personally.

salt78

I hate to say this because you know I love you, but this has enormous red flags all over it.

I'd be livid over this if I were you and you should not have to feel bad about discussing these things with him.

RachNRich

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-wr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4219d3e4-0740-491b-972c-68004c2eaf7cPost:a6cb8818-9e3d-4d32-8f46-276a312da298">Re: WWYD--WR & $$</a>:
[QUOTE]So basically he wants to be in total control of the money and he wants you to come ask him for money when you need it, old school-like.  You need to decide if you're okay with living your married life like that.  If you aren't, you need to sit down and address it with him now, before you get married. 
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]


This is how I see it too--and I think it's ridiculous. I feel like a 5 year-old everytime another payment comes due, and I have to ask for money. I've mentioned, on more than one occation, that it makes me feel awful to stand there, hand out, asking for money to pay for something. I hate.hate.hate. having to ask for money for anything.

The $ with his parents...well, is from both of them I guess. They both were in the same profession, and had wonderful retirement funds that have set them for life. I have no idea how life was growing up--but his parents do not seem like the type to set "allowances" for one another, but I could be way off.

Rich has never been married before---nor has he lived, for any length of time, with a significant other.

I think I will just write all of my thoughts/feelings down in an email---I'm often better with thoughts when I put them down in writting than I am with talking out loud.

Thanks for all of the wonderful advice; I really can't ignore this problem anymore.

Brie2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-wr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4219d3e4-0740-491b-972c-68004c2eaf7cPost:0c501679-c10f-4fd5-9dd5-693f08318317">Re: WWYD--WR & $$</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's the thing - his co-workers still don't know about you, right?  It REALLY sounds to me like he wants to be entirely in control, keep you in his pocket, and very tightly manage what you know/do/etc.  I would throw a hissy, personally.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

I'm with squirrly.

The hiding your relationship from co-workers thing is a red flag to me as well.  It seems like he's kind of immature, in that he's not willing/able to discuss money seriously or be held accountable for your relationship.

lilgina64

In Rich's defence, although I'm not his biggest fan right now either....
We learn bad habits from our parents, no matter how good they are as people. (this includes how we manage finances, like i said how do his parents relate on money?)
He's probably concerned about the scar because it's your wedding day, he wants everything to be perfect, etc etc.

I'd sit him down. have a long honest talk, with definite bullet points to talk to. oh and mention that photoshop is a wonderful thing But mostly with the talking thing. Sorry Rach, hope this works out. please follow up with us!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Full disclosure - FI and I do not have a joint account. However, we are not opposed to one in the future, especially for house saving, etc. I would not be marrying someone I didn't trust not to blow all our joint money, and vice verse.

Money is one of those things that's horribly uncomfortable to talk about, but will fester and become a major source of contention later on, more so than it is now.

I would schedule a time to talk about wedding things, and bring it up then, when he's a captive audience, and really get to the bottom of it. If you can't, you might want to consider professional mediation.

Money and sex are the two biggest issues in marriage. The ones people don't want to talk about. (And yes, kids, but that usually relates to money or sex!)