Wedding Etiquette Forum

Declining hosting a bridal shower - need help!

Hi ladies, I need some advice. Apologize in advance for the length.

My roommate from college is getting married in November (3 weeks after my wedding date). We are extremely close and now that we're both planning, we talk a few times a week and it's all very fun.

She sent out an email to everyone in the BP with introductions, and her MOH immediately began planning her shower. I replied to all (but the bride) and said how excited I was to be a part of her wedding day, but because of the timing, my current budget and that her wedding will my third out of state wedding this year, I will not be able to attend the pre-wedding parties.

They've continued to copy me on all the emails, and I have stayed out of it, but did send one response about the guest list because the bride and I had discussed it and they were talking about doing something I knew she would not be comfortable with (inviting guests to the shower not invited to the wedding - EEK!), and this morning I woke up to this gem in my inbox:

"ok so here is the deal
shower;
july 30th 11 to 2 at the XXX in XXX
it is being catered, hope everyone is ok with spliting the cost 8 ways"

Yes, that 8 ways includes me. No, I'm not comfortable hosting a shower I can't attend, and really can't afford right now. Please help me respond gracefully!

Re: Declining hosting a bridal shower - need help!

  • edited May 2011
    Just reply that with your own wedding around the corner, you simply can't afford to help host a party you aren't even attending. 
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  • It sounds like you were up front with them from the beginning about what you could help with, so I would just remind them that you cannot contribute to the shower or any other parties they plan and that your schedule is tight because of your other obligations.  

    Good luck!
  • edited May 2011
    IIMO if you didn't know about having to pay for this in advance, meaning at the time she had asked you to be in her WP or soon after. I would just state something like what you previously had told her and that it wasn't mentioned until now that she was hoping that you were to help pay and nor were you asked. That if you had known about this "expense" you could have "planned on it" in your monthly budgeting but being sprung on you now  there is no way you would be able to help pay for it. I would leave the whole part of not being there out since she knows(?) this already.

    She did leave your rebuttle open when she put the word hope in there "I hope everyone is ok with splitting the cost 8 ways"
  • I agree with other posters reminding the MOH that you already said you can't do this (they phrased it better) but wanted to add that for that email, I would reply only to the MOH, not reply all. No need to make it more awkward than it already is.

    Is there anyway you can contribute to a joint gift, if they do that, so at least there is something?
  • Sounds like it's time for a polite but firm response.

    "as previously stated, with my own wedding around the corner I just don't have room in my budget and as such will not be able to attend or cover the cost of any pre-wedding events. Have a great time at the shower. Signed, you."
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  • I'd definitely respond and politely explain that it is not in your budget as you had outlined (perhaps cite the date of the first email?) and that the shower will need to be split 7 ways.  
  • I think responding as PPs suggested is the proper thing to do, as long as you respond specifically to the MOH and don't involve the bride in any of it.
  • If you still have your original message in your 'sent' mailbox, you could forward it again to the MOH, with the note that 'as you had mentioned in the previous e-mail below, you won't be able to help finance the shower.'


  • jcamm11jcamm11 member
    100 Comments
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_declining-hosting-bridal-shower-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:454185a5-24e8-4b6f-9703-fdc8f23695adPost:4ed54577-82fc-4dff-bd22-713e68816535">Re: Declining hosting a bridal shower - need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sounds like it's time for a polite but firm response. "as previously stated, with my own wedding around the corner I just don't have room in my budget and as such will not be able to attend or cover the cost of any pre-wedding events. Have a great time at the shower. Signed, you."
    Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

    This exactly.  The only thing I might take out is "as previously stated", otherwise, I would say just copy, paste, and send this back to the MOH
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  • I can KINDA give her the benefit of the doubt because "not attending" might not mean "not hosting" but since you're not attending for financial reasons, yeah. "Hi! Hope everything's going well. So when I said I wouldn't be able to attend I meant I wouldn't be able to help host, either. With my own wedding and travelling to this wedding, I really can't pitch in extra money. But if you need me to help with organizing I will definitely do what I can."
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  • Thanks ladies. They all know I can't come, so I think I am going to say that I'm just not comfortable hosting a shower I can't attend, and it's really not in my budget to attend, but I would be happy to contribute to a joint bridesmaid gift if that's the route they're planning on going.

    I still can't get over the "let's split it 8 ways" when she never asked a) if everyone was comfortable contributing and b) what their budget was. She also doesn't say what the total cost is, so I'm sort of glad I can't participate - it could be $50  or it could be $200 - who the heck knows?




  • cpfwvucpfwvu member
    10 Comments
    Another option would be to send the MOH a note saying that you're sorry you can't participate and enclose a contribution for whatever you can afford (like maybe $35 or $50?). That would be a gracious gesture on your part. I think you're definitely within your rights to decline anything at all since you have been up front about it. It's just another goodwill option, in case you do have a little $$ to spare. Of course, if you only sent like, $10, they might think you were being a smart@#$ about it, so I guess the amount does matter.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_declining-hosting-bridal-shower-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:454185a5-24e8-4b6f-9703-fdc8f23695adPost:b6e3198b-379f-47a5-911f-bd6356644274">Re: Declining hosting a bridal shower - need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can KINDA give her the benefit of the doubt because "not attending" might not mean "not hosting" but since you're not attending for financial reasons, yeah. <strong>"Hi! Hope everything's going well. So when I said I wouldn't be able to attend I meant I wouldn't be able to help host, either. With my own wedding and travelling to this wedding, I really can't pitch in extra money. But if you need me to help with organizing I will definitely do what I can."</strong>
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

    <div>I like this response.  It has empathy (so you don't sound evil) yet is polite and firm.</div>
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