bachelor party aftermath - smack me straight

sphinx24

I wanted my FI to have a memorable bachelor and didn't want to place limits on what happened there. I didn't want the details after i heard they were doing the strip club because I wasn't thrilled with the idea but hey it's not about me right?

anyway, FI comes home at about 3am talking about the stripper friend that his Best man hooked him up with for the night and how she was feisty since she was told to be physical with him. He gets undressed and turns around and inside i was so angrry. All over his back were livid scratch marks were she had raked her nails and he hadn't noticed! plus i had to put up with stripper smell all night. Should i just shrug it off? I don't want to make a big deal out of it and ruin his night but it really angered me. smack me straight ladies!

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelor-party-aftermath-smack-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:45ca5c11-80df-44b4-ae21-644fe5033997Post:38add0a9-2c99-4e9b-9945-a5ed10dfc01a">bachelor party aftermath - smack me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]I wanted my FI to have a memorable bachelor and didn't want to place limits on what happened there. I didn't want the details after i heard they were doing the strip club because I wasn't thrilled with the idea but hey it's not about me right? anyway, FI comes home at about 3am talking about the stripper friend that his Best man hooked him up with for the night and how she was feisty since she was told to be physical with him. He gets undressed and turns around and inside i was so angrry. All over his back were livid scratch marks were she had raked her nails and he hadn't noticed! plus i had to put up with stripper smell all night. Should i just shrug it off? I don't want to make a big deal out of it and ruin his night but it really angered me. smack me straight ladies!
Posted by sphinx24[/QUOTE]
<p> </p><p>What type of 'stripper' are we talking about here? I would be wanting to clarify that with my FI if I was you, given that most strippers I've come by don't have opportunity to leave scratch marks... </p>

sphinx24

well we live in Canada if that makes a difference. Its completely naked stripping and from what i understand the stripper can touch u but you cannot touch her "technically" but if no one looking . . . .

barbbhoww

Flame me if you want, but I'd be super pissed.  There is a fine line going to strip clubs...I'm not sure i'd be smiling if I heard DH got "special treatment" from one stripper and he had scratches down his back.  How dirty.  I'm not sure he'd be too thrilled if you did the same thing.

weddingbells2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelor-party-aftermath-smack-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:45ca5c11-80df-44b4-ae21-644fe5033997Post:6b8b5460-7403-43d9-841c-2fdde347b722">Re: bachelor party aftermath - smack me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]Flame me if you want, but I'd be super pissed.  There is a fine line going to strip clubs...I'm not sure i'd be smiling if I heard DH got "special treatment" from one stripper and he had scratches down his back.  How dirty.  I'm not sure he'd be too thrilled if you did the same thing.
Posted by barbbhoww[/QUOTE]

<div>Agreed, barb! Flame me along with her, because that's not cool.  If the roles were reversed, I'm sure the guy would be PISSED if the girl came home with marks of any kind from a fiesty and aggressive man.</div>

sphinx24

I guess what bothers me in particular is I did NOT want to know the details because i was not thrilled with the Best Man making sure he got special treatment the whole night with his "friend" the stripper. The scratches are in my face and as much as it pains me to admit i can be a tad possessive I don't like the idea of anyone else leaving marks on my FI .

klm03013

As much as I would love to say that I would just shrug it off and not think about it, I am sure that would bother me, too. Going out with the guys and getting a few lap dances is one thing, but having scratch marks all over you is kind of gross. That said, I don't think I would make a big deal over it with FI- what's done is done. I'm sure this won't be happening again so make him wash the skank stink off and be done with it.

[Deleted User]

How could he not notice that she was putting those scratches on his back? Did they break the skin or were they just red marks? I'm with Sun. I'd want some clarification from FI.

bel138

WTF kind of stripper leaves scratches on you?! I'm honestly trying to think of anything that would put her in a position to do that.

Did you discuss boundaries with your FI before this happened? Did he know you didn't want details? Or physical evidence? That's dirty (and not the good kind).

Mrs.B6302007

I'm with the others - it would bother me and I would want an answer.

On the side, why the heck didn't he shower before getting into bed?  Not to hide anything from you but just to clean up after all that. 

Calypso1977

i personally wouldnt have married a man that believed in going to strip clubs while in a committed relationship.  i do consider them to be a form of cheating.

leayn

I've been around strippers for a long time...scratches all over a customers back (BP or not) are not the norm.  Is back scratching something your FI particularly likes?  If the BM knew something like that, it might make more sense.  To leave marks on someone knowing they are going home to their FI is just ridiculous and over the top IMO.  I just think that is kind of weird and would definitely be pissed.  Hmmm....

banana468

Just out of curiosity, was she supposed to do any kind of torture to him?

I only ask because my friend's DH was in a whipped cream wrestling ring at his BP where a stripper beat the crap out of him.  He came home in horrible pain and had to shower because he felt awful. (why your FI didn't is not a good sign).

Another friend (at the same strip club) was whipped by a stripper with a leather belt.  He came home with welts on his back.

Yes, I'd be upset as the FI, but there's a huge difference between hazing the groom and sex acts.  I'd want to find out exactly what happened if those are indeed finger nail marks.

Mrs.B6302007

Oh, and have you put any antiseptic cream on the scratches for him?  I'm probably paranoid about stuff like this but thinking of all the gross things that could be under her skanky nails.....ew.

jajph1974

I would be fuucking pissed if Tim came home with scratches on his back from a totally nude woman (or any woman for that matter).

I also thing it's total bull that he "doesn't remember" how they got there. He needs to jog his memory real quick, man up and give you some answers.

Honestly, if someone scratched you all over your back, how likely are you to forget how it happened?  I think the only reason he said anything at all to you about what happened that night was because there was no way he could hide the scratches and he had to try to placate you with something.

erollis

Scratches on the back are not normal. Other then "stripper smell" and maybe a little smudge of makeup on his shirt is not normal. America also has all nude strip clubs with the same no touch rules. They are not as common though.

The only reason I think he let her get so physical is maybe he was super drunk. That could also be the reason why he told you everything. Being intoxicated can make a person do stupid things but that doesn't make it right. It sounds like he was bragging about how she was acting. Ask him why he told you all this. If he was just being a poopy head (trying to be nice) then I would tear him a new one. But he may have told you about it because he felt a bit guilty or he would like you to get physical like that once in a while.

Talk to him but keep your calm. Do not make it sound as if your accusing him of something or he will never open up.

brookelynpaisley

I have no issues with strips clubs and that would even piss me off. I'm sorry, but if he didn't notice that, he's lying.

sphinx24

well FI does like to be scratched. The only reason i can think that he might not have noticed that she  left welts from that is that he spent the better part of the day paintballing so he was probably feeling all of those welts too.

christyran1228

I'm sorry that happed ... because yeah, I'd be pissed too ... no doubt.  WTF??

And I'll admit that I'm not just a little bit thrilled that my FI thinks strippers are disgusting and doesn't have friends into that kind of crap either to pressure him.

jajph1974

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelor-party-aftermath-smack-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:45ca5c11-80df-44b4-ae21-644fe5033997Post:1cef1c64-5d09-4076-8da8-cf7fc9dd8886">Re: bachelor party aftermath - smack me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]well FI does like to be scratched. The only reason i can think that he might not have noticed that she  left welts from that is that he spent the better part of the day paintballing so he was probably feeling all of those welts too.
Posted by sphinx24[/QUOTE]


If she scratched him hard enough to leave welts, then he definitley knew she was doing it as it was happening.

It sounds a little like you're trying to make excuses for him and I hope that's not the case. You need to get honest answers from him.

jilybeans4

I would be upset too.

I also would have set boundaries with my SO before going to a strip club. My DH went to one for his bachelor party too, and I told him I was fine with it, as long as it involved looking but not touching. A lap dance would have been borderline for me, and anyhting involving leaving lasting physical damage would bother me a lot.

I think your FI was wrong for letting that happen, but in the future I think you need to be sure to discuss boundaries in general and especially when you both know he'll be put into a situation. Then if he leaves those boundaries, he's in trouble. It sounds like here, he kind of had a free pass and so unfortunately you can be pissed, but you need to try to let it go because it won't help anything here.

jajph1974

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelor-party-aftermath-smack-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:45ca5c11-80df-44b4-ae21-644fe5033997Post:6abed172-406a-46ef-95b1-0d130b0b59e7">Re: bachelor party aftermath - smack me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]I would be upset too. I also would have set boundaries with my SO before going to a strip club. My DH went to one for his bachelor party too, and I told him I was fine with it, as long as it involved looking but not touching. A lap dance would have been borderline for me, and anyhting involving leaving lasting physical damage would bother me a lot. I think your FI was wrong for letting that happen, but in the future I think you need to be sure to discuss boundaries in general and especially when you both know he'll be put into a situation. Then if he leaves those boundaries, he's in trouble.<strong><font color="#800000"> It sounds like here, he kind of had a free pass and so unfortunately you can be pissed, but you need to try to let it go</font> </strong>because it won't help anything here.
Posted by jilybeans4[/QUOTE]

I don't agree with this at all. The moment they decided to have an exclusive relationship, all free passes become null and void.

Just because she didn't give him a list of do's and donts before he left the house for the night doesn't mean he had a free pass to let a naked woman scratch up his back

sphinx24

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelor-party-aftermath-smack-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:45ca5c11-80df-44b4-ae21-644fe5033997Post:e4335695-2969-403e-9304-44b388c8ba1e">Re: bachelor party aftermath - smack me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: bachelor party aftermath - smack me straight : If she scratched him hard enough to leave welts, then he definitley knew she was doing it as it was happening. It sounds a little like you're trying to make excuses for him and I hope that's not the case. You need to get honest answers from him.
Posted by jajph1974[/QUOTE]

I can appreciate what you are saying. I don't feel like I am making excuses just maybe trying to understand his rationale. He kind of did get a free pass since he knows I don't like lap dances but it is ok to look but since his friends were gung ho and it is his bachelor party I said it was fine, to not go crazy but have a good time. I think we need a clarification about boundaries.

Marrin713

Then he had his shirt off or did she reach up under his shirt to scratch?  If it's the former, why did he have shirt off?  I've never been to a strip club so not sure what happens there.  agree with PP - - slather anti-b lotion on those cuts <shudder>

zippityb

I'd file assault charges if a male stripper did that to me.

hd7694

I am ok with FI going to a strip club with his friends for his bachelor party.  That really doesn't bother me.  IF he came home with scratches down his back he would probably have a black eye to match!   Not really but I would be tempted because I would be pissed off to the extreme.  He wouldn't dare crawl into bed with me smelling like a strip club either.  You really need to talk to FI and find out just how in the hell the scratches occured.  Was he really so trashed that he doesn't remember?  I would think that he would show enough respect to tell you the truth.  If not, then you have bigger issues here.

TNMurray

You have to do what you think is best. If getting all the answers might just upset you more than leave it alone. But if it is burning inside then ask. Jokingly say, you must have had a great time with all those marks on your back. The fact that he came home talking about it means that he doesn't think he did anything wrong because he isn't hiding anything. He would've been quiet as a church mouse if he felt that he crossed the linee.

JadziaDax

I'm sure everything has been said so i'll try to make this short! My fiance has been to strip clubs for friends bachelor parties. I asked him what he thought of the situation. He said the strippers sometimes get very physical and like to "make a show" out of things. He said for his friends bachelor party one of the strippers took the guy on stage and whipped him in front of everyone and was really rough. It was your fiances bachelor party so of course the strippers are going to pay special attention to him. I do agree with asking about the scratch marks in more depth because there is a difference between using a whip and using someone's nails (I just can't help but think of infections, etc. ).
I don't think i'd be too mad though, to be honest.

ricksang

To get scratches on his back, that girl had to be either straddling him or at least hugging him. Why thefuck would he come home and brag about the night?

kikibaby

Wow.  I'm totally ok with strip clubs- H and I have gone together several times- but I would be super pissed at this.  The part where it crosses the line is where the strippers hands are on your FI's bare skin.  Scratch marks or not, that's too much for me.

polichik

Pretty sure that's unacceptable. Have you asked him if anything else happened? It's one thing to not want to torture yourself with details, but it's another to not know exactly how far he crossed over the line.